DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my DH felt that way about my kids I think I would leave him as it is so damaging for them to be around someone like that.

Same

No, you wouldn't. You would do everything because your life would be 10,000 worse if you left. As has been posted time and time again, both parents have to want all children and if one doesn't then you don't have another. I know more than one woman who has an "oops" pregnancy on purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. Do not inflict this man on DC #2. My daughter has always felt, deep in her bones, that there is something wrong with her relationship with her father. Which translates to her feeling there is something not quite good enough about HER.

Count your blessings and stick with one.

+1

I’m the daughter in this situation and I’ve had low self esteem all my life. I’ve had anorexia since 14.

It really messes with a girl to know that her father doesn’t really love her.

Oh please.

You cannot blame your dad for your anorexia.

In therapy I worked out that I developed anorexia as a way to punish myself because I hate myself. Reply hate myself because my father showed me that I was unwanted/annoying/a burden.

Im in therapy for something else but my therapist wanted to get to the root of my self loathing and she says it’s always something foundational in childhood.

I am sick of blaming parents for all your ills. I was a planned child but my mother died when I was four and my father was in the military. I lived with my aunt, mother's sister, for a year. At age 5 he put me in a boarding school and I spent two years there without seeing him because he was overseas. After that, I saw him as Christmas and spent two months in summer at my aunt's. I turned out fine--no eating disorders, I don't hate my father because he did the best he could.

We make our own decisions as adults and we live with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years.
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly.
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this.
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.

Well toddlers are annoying and some people at the end of the day just don't want to be grabbed out and loud sounds are just miserable.
That being said, there isn't too much of a fix until the get older.
But don't make the mistake of thinking you can't use an ipad or tv to entertain them. I know a lot of parents get really hung up on that and just do yourselves a favor and don't. Your kid's brain won't rot.

I am sure your non profit job is really cool but if you keep it you will be broke. And tbh a job you always dreamed of? meh, once you are underpaid at it for a while you wont' be as thrilled with it. I know it sounds blase but get a new dream. When you decided that was your dream job years back you were a different person. Now you are a wife with 2 kids. You aren't giving up something . You are moving on.
It's normal but you are viewing it as this major life loss. Our kids are in high school now. I laugh at how silly we clung tot stuff like that in the early years.

Start low key entertaining your toddler. Ask them to go find something that is - insert thing here - and bring it to you. Then ask them again. and again. Something like hey can you bring me a teddy bear. Ok they bring you one. Ohhh wait I don't know about this teddy bear. Can you bring me another one? It keeps them occupied and it literally takes no brain power so you can do something else at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years.
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly.
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this.
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.

Well toddlers are annoying and some people at the end of the day just don't want to be grabbed out and loud sounds are just miserable.
That being said, there isn't too much of a fix until the get older.
But don't make the mistake of thinking you can't use an ipad or tv to entertain them. I know a lot of parents get really hung up on that and just do yourselves a favor and don't. Your kid's brain won't rot.

I am sure your non profit job is really cool but if you keep it you will be broke. And tbh a job you always dreamed of? meh, once you are underpaid at it for a while you wont' be as thrilled with it. I know it sounds blase but get a new dream. When you decided that was your dream job years back you were a different person. Now you are a wife with 2 kids. You aren't giving up something . You are moving on.
It's normal but you are viewing it as this major life loss. Our kids are in high school now. I laugh at how silly we clung tot stuff like that in the early years.

Start low key entertaining your toddler. Ask them to go find something that is - insert thing here - and bring it to you. Then ask them again. and again. Something like hey can you bring me a teddy bear. Ok they bring you one. Ohhh wait I don't know about this teddy bear. Can you bring me another one? It keeps them occupied and it literally takes no brain power so you can do something else at the same time.

I agree with all of this.

It seems kind of odd that you and your husband are both so invested in framing this as resentment about the existence of your child when it really seems that a big part of it is resentment over your new job. You took a job that requires a lot more work with no additional income. I mean, basically, you picked up a stressful and time consuming hobby.

Why are you two both saying that it’s the kid and not the job? Is there a lot of guilt over saying that it’s the job?

[Anonymous]

^on the job thing -- OP, if you're at a nonprofit, can you pivot to a trade association or lobbying org with a similar mission/area of focus? There are probably ways to use your skills that pay more and offer better balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m about to turn 52 and despite accomplishing a great deal in my life academically and professionally, I’m still a mess inside and still grapple with the clear truth that my father never wanted me and was highly annoyed by my existence. His attitude of course spilled over to my elder sibling and my mother so basically my entire childhood was deeply lonely, loveless and painful.

It’s really awful the things selfish adult people inflict on innocent children who had no choice about existing. Most kids are VERY aware of their parents feelings - parents who delude themselves otherwise are foolish and cruel.

Obviously I believe every child should be a much wanted and much loved child so my opinion on people who essentially coerce other people into having children they don’t want is not very high.

OP however you choose to go forward from here, you just need to know that your kid knows it is resented. So keep that in mind while you’re talking to your husband and deciding how to proceed. I should think that serious counseling is the bare minimum that you and your spouse should engage in as you work to meet the needs of the innocent lives you both brought into this world. Your husband has an obligation to work his shit out and figure out how to show loving acceptance to this kid because the breaking happens at a very early age, the attachment disorders are rooted in very early development and while a kid can seem okay on the surface they can be driven in life by this feeling of having been unwanted and that can manifest in serious issues in young adulthood on. And I know from personal experience that the rejecting parent trying to be a buddy later on won’t necessarily heal the pain or overcome that longstanding feeling of being unwanted. What is engraved on our brains in early childhood tends to be what shapes our sense of self and our core personality that shapes how we perceive everyone and everything.

This. You are not alone in this experience, PP, my heart goes out to you. Therapy as an adult or even as a child does not fix this kind of core wound. They say the days are endless but the years fly by and it is true. OP, your DH has issues, likely rooted in his own childhood but your kids are going to be really damaged if he does not work this stuff out. Will he go to individual counseling and family therapy? Does he have something like ADD going on that makes noise, etc, seem especially overwhelming and which could be addressed? Does he do activities one on one with the older child at least? Legos, puzzles, sports? Does he seem to not particularly care about the impact of his behavior in other aspects of life?

I would highly recommend always having a dog, your younger DC needs as much unconditional love as possible.

[Anonymous]

Parenting is hands down the most selfless act imaginable. Atleast it should be. If there’s anything I’ve learned as a parent of little ones during COVID, it’s that so.many.adults (particularly in our area) refuse to give up anything for kids. It’s incredible. I’m pretty certain most generations before us knew that having kids entailed sacrifices, so this will be an interesting experiment to watch this generation grow.

Your husband sounds like a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

OP, you either need FT childcare or a PT job. You can have a FT job with PT childcare and expect that to work. You are setting all of you up for failure.

[Anonymous]

CANT not can

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. Do not inflict this man on DC #2. My daughter has always felt, deep in her bones, that there is something wrong with her relationship with her father. Which translates to her feeling there is something not quite good enough about HER.

Count your blessings and stick with one.

+1

I’m the daughter in this situation and I’ve had low self esteem all my life. I’ve had anorexia since 14.

It really messes with a girl to know that her father doesn’t really love her.

Oh please.

You cannot blame your dad for your anorexia.

In therapy I worked out that I developed anorexia as a way to punish myself because I hate myself. Reply hate myself because my father showed me that I was unwanted/annoying/a burden.

Im in therapy for something else but my therapist wanted to get to the root of my self loathing and she says it’s always something foundational in childhood.

I am sick of blaming parents for all your ills. I was a planned child but my mother died when I was four and my father was in the military. I lived with my aunt, mother's sister, for a year. At age 5 he put me in a boarding school and I spent two years there without seeing him because he was overseas. After that, I saw him as Christmas and spent two months in summer at my aunt's. I turned out fine--no eating disorders, I don't hate my father because he did the best he could.

We make our own decisions as adults and we live with the consequences.

You should definitely be in therapy to understand empathy. The bolded is COMPLETELY different from the PP you are responding to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you either need FT childcare or a PT job. You can have a FT job with PT childcare and expect that to work. You are setting all of you up for failure.

+1 What I did was give up my career so that our lives would be less stressful.

Despite what some woman's magazine tried to sell you, women cannot have it all. Something's gotta give.

OP's DH probably wouldn't be supportive of OP focusing on her career while he pulled back on his career. I don't find that most men would be willing to do that. I offered that same deal to my DH, that I'd be the breadwinner, and he could be the sahp for a bit. That was a no-go for him. Unlike OP, though, I didn't mind at the time pulling back a bit. I was stressed out myself trying to do it all. And this with a nanny, but no family around. It was in part mommy guilt, but also we were all just treading water and constantly fighting.

Even Serena Williams, who probably has a ton of paid help, says women can't have it all.

https://www.businessinsider.com/serena-williams-blunt-retirement-essay-inequity-america-workforce-women-face-2022-8

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. Do not inflict this man on DC #2. My daughter has always felt, deep in her bones, that there is something wrong with her relationship with her father. Which translates to her feeling there is something not quite good enough about HER.

Count your blessings and stick with one.

+1

I’m the daughter in this situation and I’ve had low self esteem all my life. I’ve had anorexia since 14.

It really messes with a girl to know that her father doesn’t really love her.

Oh please.

You cannot blame your dad for your anorexia.

In therapy I worked out that I developed anorexia as a way to punish myself because I hate myself. Reply hate myself because my father showed me that I was unwanted/annoying/a burden.

Im in therapy for something else but my therapist wanted to get to the root of my self loathing and she says it’s always something foundational in childhood.

I am sick of blaming parents for all your ills. I was a planned child but my mother died when I was four and my father was in the military. I lived with my aunt, mother's sister, for a year. At age 5 he put me in a boarding school and I spent two years there without seeing him because he was overseas. After that, I saw him as Christmas and spent two months in summer at my aunt's. I turned out fine--no eating disorders, I don't hate my father because he did the best he could.

We make our own decisions as adults and we live with the consequences.

You should definitely be in therapy to understand empathy. The bolded is COMPLETELY different from the PP you are responding to.

Buzz off! I am a grown woman and I am responsible for my life and choices. Blaming everyone else in your life for your bad choices or choices and actions of your parents is counterproductive.

[Anonymous]

“but this one is just many years long so he says he can’t handle it”

What does this mean? Does he want to divorce and give you full custody?

Parenting is very hard and no one knows what kind of parent they will actually be until they live it, and no one knows what type of dc they will give birth to. But, I do think for most of us who willingly decided/ planned for this, we have to do the right thing and put dc feelings before ours.

So, your dh really needs to reframe his thoughts. I’d say like even set a timer of 15 min and can only focus on the positive of being a dad/ being with them. Start small and hopefully it grows.

Our last just left for college. I’d love a young couple to ask me to babysit a night/weekend day ( for free!) I absolutely was not the most perfect mom, and neither was my dh the perfect dad, but I guess the difference was that we did find moments of pure joy each day - 5 min snuggle, walk in the park, blowing bubbles, making cookies, etc. For me, those moments of joy made all the rest of it/ hard work worth it.

Wishing your family well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you either need FT childcare or a PT job. You can have a FT job with PT childcare and expect that to work. You are setting all of you up for failure.

+1 What I did was give up my career so that our lives would be less stressful.

Despite what some woman's magazine tried to sell you, women cannot have it all. Something's gotta give.

OP's DH probably wouldn't be supportive of OP focusing on her career while he pulled back on his career. I don't find that most men would be willing to do that. I offered that same deal to my DH, that I'd be the breadwinner, and he could be the sahp for a bit. That was a no-go for him. Unlike OP, though, I didn't mind at the time pulling back a bit. I was stressed out myself trying to do it all. And this with a nanny, but no family around. It was in part mommy guilt, but also we were all just treading water and constantly fighting.

Even Serena Williams, who probably has a ton of paid help, says women can't have it all.

https://www.businessinsider.com/serena-williams-blunt-retirement-essay-inequity-america-workforce-women-face-2022-8

Something does gotta give, but it's important for OP to be self aware about what she would be like as a SAHM. It can be less stressful for some, but isolating and depressing for others. I was not happy in that role and the stress of being a working parent full-time is a less bad choice for my family. I do think people underestimate the benefits of "mommy track" (ugh) jobs or flexible/remote work, which can be the best of both worlds -- stimulating and yet good work-life balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years.
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly.
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this.
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.

Well toddlers are annoying and some people at the end of the day just don't want to be grabbed out and loud sounds are just miserable.
That being said, there isn't too much of a fix until the get older.
But don't make the mistake of thinking you can't use an ipad or tv to entertain them. I know a lot of parents get really hung up on that and just do yourselves a favor and don't. Your kid's brain won't rot.

I am sure your non profit job is really cool but if you keep it you will be broke. And tbh a job you always dreamed of? meh, once you are underpaid at it for a while you wont' be as thrilled with it. I know it sounds blase but get a new dream. When you decided that was your dream job years back you were a different person. Now you are a wife with 2 kids. You aren't giving up something . You are moving on.
It's normal but you are viewing it as this major life loss. Our kids are in high school now. I laugh at how silly we clung tot stuff like that in the early years.

Start low key entertaining your toddler. Ask them to go find something that is - insert thing here - and bring it to you. Then ask them again. and again. Something like hey can you bring me a teddy bear. Ok they bring you one. Ohhh wait I don't know about this teddy bear. Can you bring me another one? It keeps them occupied and it literally takes no brain power so you can do something else at the same time.

I agree with all of this.

It seems kind of odd that you and your husband are both so invested in framing this as resentment about the existence of your child when it really seems that a big part of it is resentment over your new job. You took a job that requires a lot more work with no additional income. I mean, basically, you picked up a stressful and time consuming hobby.

Why are you two both saying that it’s the kid and not the job? Is there a lot of guilt over saying that it’s the job?