Why do men assume their wife will become a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of men want Stepford wives: Disney robots who will cook, clean, take care of children, and have sex, but don’t actually have any wants or needs of their own.

Yep. AI needs to quickly evolve so men can get their perfect robot wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we got married I had a great career and when I got pregnant my husband said that what works for me would work for him and that he was all in. So the decision was up to me but he would fully help make it work and he did. We’ve been married 36 years and he is the same way today.

This sounds good to me. For me it's not about SAHM vs WAHM, it;s the assumption that if there's to be a SAHP it's going to be the wife, if she hasn't put for this idea herself.

Not that poster but my husband would have gladly stayed home. I did not earn enough.

Fair enough which brings us back to women are paid less, and the argument for that is they have kids, quit, and stay home, so men are paid more, they then assume they must be the breadwinner and on the cycle goes. Not attacking you pp. It's just maddening that we as a country can't seem to shake this cycle.

I earned less because of the profession I choose. He choose a profession with the ability to earn more. It was my choice. And, ultimately my choice to stay home. You are bitter and instead of taking it out on others take responsibility. I love not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with a woman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?


Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.


To be fair, I know one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of expecting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

I can tell you why.
Why does the wife stay home
- She makes substantially less than the husband because of career choice.
- She is being paid less than other male counterparts and she is facing the glass ceiling at work
- She is the one who is lactating, who gave birth, who is exhausted, who did not heal from the labor because she did not have maternity leabe
- She is the one who is dealing with toxicity at work and hostile/sexist work environment
- The baby or an older child has special needs and someone needs to be home
- A family member is sick or elderly and she needs to be the care provider
- Childcare is frequently failing and/or her children are failing to thrive mentally, physically or emotionally

Why does the husband stay home
- He is making less substantially less money than the wife
- He has pension from army, police or firefighting and he is retired, while wife has a great career
- He has dreams of starting his own private company or has some gig lined up or he is writing a book
- He has disability that necessitates that he stays at home.

Men stay at home when they need to look after their interests. Women stay home to sacrifice her own interests for the family. If women thought and acted like men, humans would become extinct.

Thank you! At this point, I think women should strongly encourage their daughters to remain child free and focus on their careers for their own sanity. Women shouldn’t have to sacrifice their interests for generations while men selfishly do whatever the hell they want.

I have told my children (DD and DS) that they need to independently afford health insurance, their retirement, childcare, home and college for their children (in that order). Since the policies in US are not family friendly, as parents and hopefully as grandparents, we will need to step up the help our children and grandchildren in ways that makes them flourish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we got married I had a great career and when I got pregnant my husband said that what works for me would work for him and that he was all in. So the decision was up to me but he would fully help make it work and he did. We’ve been married 36 years and he is the same way today.

This sounds good to me. For me it's not about SAHM vs WAHM, it;s the assumption that if there's to be a SAHP it's going to be the wife, if she hasn't put for this idea herself.

Not that poster but my husband would have gladly stayed home. I did not earn enough.

Fair enough which brings us back to women are paid less, and the argument for that is they have kids, quit, and stay home, so men are paid more, they then assume they must be the breadwinner and on the cycle goes. Not attacking you pp. It's just maddening that we as a country can't seem to shake this cycle.

I earned less because of the profession I choose. He choose a profession with the ability to earn more. It was my choice. And, ultimately my choice to stay home. You are bitter and instead of taking it out on others take responsibility. I love not working.

DP. I have done both and PP doesn't sound bitter to me. You, however, seem weirdly defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with awoman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?

Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.

To be fair, I now one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of ecpexting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

OP, I am curious why you are asking this. Is your DH pressuring you to stay home?

Thankfully no. Unfortunately, there are several women close to me who feel pressured to stay home, even though that's never what they wanted, and their husbands are being completely inflexible. There is also the multitude of threads of women worrying over becoming the default parent, or having to quit their job, or boyfriend/fiance etc has decided that the women in the equation is going to stay home.

Where does this come from, that to many it's not even a thought that they could stay home instead of mom? Especially for younger men, men 50 and younger GenXers and Millenials I can understand in precvious generations where the society was stll so patriarchal.

There have been many good points made regard socialization, men being criticized for staying home the way women are criticized for ether choice, religion, and culture.

And interesting though I consider bogus claims of men being incapable of nurturing. Though I do think there could be an argument for their being a biological drive for a mom to be near her infant.

I guess what are we getting wrong?

I think it’s more insidious than this.
Women carry the infant, so they start off a little more bonded with the infant.
Then women take maternity leave, so they learn how to take care of the baby. Maybe they are nursing as well.
Then when it comes time to go back, it becomes clear that two full throttle careers won’t work. Since the woman is more comfortable with the home stuff, she decides to step back a little.
Since she is home more, more of the home management stuff falls on her. It makes sense.
They decide to have another baby, and there is more to do at home. She is now making less money because she stepped back, and she is more comfortable with the home stuff, so it just makes sense for her to go part time.
He now feels financial pressure to care for two children and a wife working part time. He goes even harder at work (after all, his wife is taking card of the kids), and starts to make more money.
Meanwhile, her job becomes less enjoyable. She is less critical because she works part time, she is tired from doing everything at home, and work becomes only about the income.
Then one day they look at the income. And with his increase in income, her part time income minus childcare for two kids is a very small portion of their take home. It seems like it’s not worth it for the stress it’s putting on the family.
So she quits. Or takes very part time consulting work and becomes a SAHM.

So, did she choose to quit? Did he pressure her into it? I don’t know. But unless both people make a real effort to maintain two working parents, it’s all too easy to fall into the above pattern.

That's just it though. Why is it the assumption that mom will take matenity leave? He lives with the baby too, he can learn about care.

Have you had a baby? The mom needs maternity leave to recover. I was okay physically by 8 weeks but not mentally or sleep wise until 12 weeks. Dh did take paternity leave but I still needed it for me... Dh took 6 weeks when the baby was born and then 6 weeks when I went back to work.

Why are you so defensive? I didn't say you didn't need maternity leave. I just challenged your idea that dad'd couldn't bond with babies early on. Whixh since we're on the topic, maybe that's one of the factors, men assume they can't bond with babies so they stay away.

PP isn’t defensive. She just asked you a question bc in your previous post, it literally says “why is it the assumption that mom will take maternity leave?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before we married, I was explicit that I wanted to keep working after kids and DH was on board. Then we had kids and DH begged me to stay home. I cut back, then SAH for a year, then went back PT and am now in a FT+ job because my company was acquired and I couldn’t stay PT. Our lives are hectic and our home is filled with people - nanny, cleaning lady, grandparents helping. Things fall through the cracks, and neither of us is functioning at full capacity in these pandemic times.

I completely understand the simplicity and efficiency of having one parent stay home. It doesn’t matter which; it’s just more efficient to specialize. And my DH is a full co parent, every bit as bonded and nurturing as I am.

If you don't mind me asking, why did your DH beg you to stay home?

He had a SAHM for a mom and he knew that our lives would be smoother and less stressful if I stayed at home. I would be kinda depressed, though, and my job is super interesting and pays well. We throw money at everything from cooking to childcare to housekeeping. It takes a lot of arranging and logistics that are utterly foreign to the happy childhood he had. I know he wishes for a simpler arrangement. But we’re in it together and both happy enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I earned less because of the profession I choose. He choose a profession with the ability to earn more. It was my choice. And, ultimately my choice to stay home. You are bitter and instead of taking it out on others take responsibility. I love not working.

DP. I have done both and PP doesn't sound bitter to me. You, however, seem weirdly defensive.

NP and +1. You say others are bitter, yet you're reading a lot into things that aren't there. You don't have to justify your choices to any of us, but you sure don't sound like a happy woman.

[Anonymous]

Typical DCUM bs again

Again to answer the question

It's because it has been this way for decades
You need to have serious talks before getting married and having kids
There ARE biological differences between men and women with child rearing especially when the kids are young

Now here is the main point, it's hard to break habits. When the kids is say about 3 there needs to be another serious talk about raising the child because by that point the biological insistence of women caring more and men caring less subsides. Otherwise the domestic out of balance will continue. Note most habits are established in the first 6-12 months of a major event. Ladies, if you aren't ok with your husband not pulling his domestic weight you need to communicated from the get go

Also blame work/life balance. For most careers there is an expectation that you will work 50+ hours a week and won't be in and out throughout the day. Hopefully with Covid that is changing. I am in middle management and still work 40 hours a week problem is all my peers are putting more hours to try and get ahead. Why because most upper management folks have a default parent who takes care of domestic and expect total dedication to the company. I say this is bs Work smarter not harder people. If I start being penalized for not being available I will seek work elsewhere. More people have to do this to ever expect there to be true work/life balance.

[Anonymous]

I am a teacher and took time off my career to stay home for a few years. I picked *the perfect* career as I get all those holidays and snow days off with my kids. I started out in law, worked those awful hours for a few years, was bored as h*ll, and after 3 years I quit law and went back to school to get my masters in secondary education and now teach high school social studies. Could not imagine any other career while being a mom by *being with my kids.* I should have listened to my DH who was a teacher from the get-go. It is the best career by far if you want a family.

So, not a SAHM but the next best thing.

[Anonymous]

Male biglaw partner here. My wife is SAHM, it's fairly common for the male partners at the firm to have SAHMs. Female partners are more likely to be divorced.

Women lose respect for their husbands when they stay home. They may not say it out loud, they may not even want to feel that way. Seems to be some type of jealousy/envy that the male partners have SAHM and can focus solely on work while women have to do a second shift at home. That dynamic, more than any other I have seen, accounts for the wage and advancement gap and probably the divorce gap too.

Until women are willing to accept (and men can truly accomplish) the male SAH role, the gap will persist when kids come along.

[Anonymous]

Who gets married without discussing these things first?! Or has a baby without discussing them.

That's your real problem. You married the wrong person, if he is making these types of wild assumptions without consulting you first.

[Anonymous]

Woman NP here. I have no intention of paying more in taxes to give women to stay home for months. This all goes into whether or not to have children. Can you afford them? is the number one question to ask yourself. If you can't afford children without taxpayer help, you do not get to have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Male biglaw partner here. My wife is SAHM, it's fairly common for the male partners at the firm to have SAHMs. Female partners are more likely to be divorced.

Women lose respect for their husbands when they stay home. They may not say it out loud, they may not even want to feel that way. Seems to be some type of jealousy/envy that the male partners have SAHM and can focus solely on work while women have to do a second shift at home. That dynamic, more than any other I have seen, accounts for the wage and advancement gap and probably the divorce gap too.

Until women are willing to accept (and men can truly accomplish) the male SAH role, the gap will persist when kids come along.

This is the reason for the wage gap. It has nothing to do with discrimination and everything to do with parenting roles. Studies confirm this. Men and women make the same until kids come along (women actually make slightly more). The wage gap explodes if mom takes time off, or mommy-tracks.

The way to partially fix this is to subsidize maternity and paternity leave, extend it for 1-2 years, and force men to use some time away. Other countries do this. USA won't for exactly the reason PP above has said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Male biglaw partner here. My wife is SAHM, it's fairly common for the male partners at the firm to have SAHMs. Female partners are more likely to be divorced.

Women lose respect for their husbands when they stay home. They may not say it out loud, they may not even want to feel that way. Seems to be some type of jealousy/envy that the male partners have SAHM and can focus solely on work while women have to do a second shift at home. That dynamic, more than any other I have seen, accounts for the wage and advancement gap and probably the divorce gap too.

Until women are willing to accept (and men can truly accomplish) the male SAH role, the gap will persist when kids come along.

This is the reason for the wage gap. It has nothing to do with discrimination and everything to do with parenting roles. Studies confirm this. Men and women make the same until kids come along (women actually make slightly more). The wage gap explodes if mom takes time off, or mommy-tracks.

The way to partially fix this is to subsidize maternity and paternity leave, extend it for 1-2 years, and force men to use some time away. Other countries do this. USA won't for exactly the reason PP above has said.

100 % the truth. It's so very obvious, but people like the NP poster are so against.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman NP here. I have no intention of paying more in taxes to give women to stay home for months. This all goes into whether or not to have children. Can you afford them? is the number one question to ask yourself. If you can't afford children without taxpayer help, you do not get to have them.

Are you the same NP as the My Husband Wants ME to Quit thread? Sounds like you.


You should know that providing adequate leave to parents leads to benefits in quality of life/ health of parents and child. It also leads to better pay for women.