Why do men assume their wife will become a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with awoman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?

Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.

To be fair, I now one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of ecpexting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

OP, I am curious why you are asking this. Is your DH pressuring you to stay home?

Thankfully no. Unfortunately, there are several women close to me who feel pressured to stay home, even though that's never what they wanted, and their husbands are being completely inflexible. There is also the multitude of threads of women worrying over becoming the default parent, or having to quit their job, or boyfriend/fiance etc has decided that the women in the equation is going to stay home.

Where does this come from, that to many it's not even a thought that they could stay home instead of mom? Especially for younger men, men 50 and younger GenXers and Millenials I can understand in precvious generations where the society was stll so patriarchal.

There have been many good points made regard socialization, men being criticized for staying home the way women are criticized for ether choice, religion, and culture.

And interesting though I consider bogus claims of men being incapable of nurturing. Though I do think there could be an argument for their being a biological drive for a mom to be near her infant.

I guess what are we getting wrong?

I think it’s more insidious than this.
Women carry the infant, so they start off a little more bonded with the infant.
Then women take maternity leave, so they learn how to take care of the baby. Maybe they are nursing as well.
Then when it comes time to go back, it becomes clear that two full throttle careers won’t work. Since the woman is more comfortable with the home stuff, she decides to step back a little.
Since she is home more, more of the home management stuff falls on her. It makes sense.
They decide to have another baby, and there is more to do at home. She is now making less money because she stepped back, and she is more comfortable with the home stuff, so it just makes sense for her to go part time.
He now feels financial pressure to care for two children and a wife working part time. He goes even harder at work (after all, his wife is taking card of the kids), and starts to make more money.
Meanwhile, her job becomes less enjoyable. She is less critical because she works part time, she is tired from doing everything at home, and work becomes only about the income.
Then one day they look at the income. And with his increase in income, her part time income minus childcare for two kids is a very small portion of their take home. It seems like it’s not worth it for the stress it’s putting on the family.
So she quits. Or takes very part time consulting work and becomes a SAHM.

So, did she choose to quit? Did he pressure her into it? I don’t know. But unless both people make a real effort to maintain two working parents, it’s all too easy to fall into the above pattern.

That's just it though. Why is it the assumption that mom will take matenity leave? He lives with the baby too, he can learn about care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with awoman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?

Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.

To be fair, I now one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of ecpexting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

OP, I am curious why you are asking this. Is your DH pressuring you to stay home?

Thankfully no. Unfortunately, there are several women close to me who feel pressured to stay home, even though that's never what they wanted, and their husbands are being completely inflexible. There is also the multitude of threads of women worrying over becoming the default parent, or having to quit their job, or boyfriend/fiance etc has decided that the women in the equation is going to stay home.

Where does this come from, that to many it's not even a thought that they could stay home instead of mom? Especially for younger men, men 50 and younger GenXers and Millenials I can understand in precvious generations where the society was stll so patriarchal.

There have been many good points made regard socialization, men being criticized for staying home the way women are criticized for ether choice, religion, and culture.

And interesting though I consider bogus claims of men being incapable of nurturing. Though I do think there could be an argument for their being a biological drive for a mom to be near her infant.

I guess what are we getting wrong?

I think it’s more insidious than this.
Women carry the infant, so they start off a little more bonded with the infant.
Then women take maternity leave, so they learn how to take care of the baby. Maybe they are nursing as well.
Then when it comes time to go back, it becomes clear that two full throttle careers won’t work. Since the woman is more comfortable with the home stuff, she decides to step back a little.
Since she is home more, more of the home management stuff falls on her. It makes sense.
They decide to have another baby, and there is more to do at home. She is now making less money because she stepped back, and she is more comfortable with the home stuff, so it just makes sense for her to go part time.
He now feels financial pressure to care for two children and a wife working part time. He goes even harder at work (after all, his wife is taking card of the kids), and starts to make more money.
Meanwhile, her job becomes less enjoyable. She is less critical because she works part time, she is tired from doing everything at home, and work becomes only about the income.
Then one day they look at the income. And with his increase in income, her part time income minus childcare for two kids is a very small portion of their take home. It seems like it’s not worth it for the stress it’s putting on the family.
So she quits. Or takes very part time consulting work and becomes a SAHM.

So, did she choose to quit? Did he pressure her into it? I don’t know. But unless both people make a real effort to maintain two working parents, it’s all too easy to fall into the above pattern.

Do you realize how offensive this is. I didn't carry my child. We are bonded. My husband is equally bonded and a great dad. You have a relationship issue.

[Anonymous]

Before we married, I was explicit that I wanted to keep working after kids and DH was on board. Then we had kids and DH begged me to stay home. I cut back, then SAH for a year, then went back PT and am now in a FT+ job because my company was acquired and I couldn’t stay PT. Our lives are hectic and our home is filled with people - nanny, cleaning lady, grandparents helping. Things fall through the cracks, and neither of us is functioning at full capacity in these pandemic times.

I completely understand the simplicity and efficiency of having one parent stay home. It doesn’t matter which; it’s just more efficient to specialize. And my DH is a full co parent, every bit as bonded and nurturing as I am.

[Anonymous]

When we got married I had a great career and when I got pregnant my husband said that what works for me would work for him and that he was all in. So the decision was up to me but he would fully help make it work and he did. We’ve been married 36 years and he is the same way today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we got married I had a great career and when I got pregnant my husband said that what works for me would work for him and that he was all in. So the decision was up to me but he would fully help make it work and he did. We’ve been married 36 years and he is the same way today.

This sounds good to me. For me it's not about SAHM vs WAHM, it;s the assumption that if there's to be a SAHP it's going to be the wife, if she hasn't put for this idea herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before we married, I was explicit that I wanted to keep working after kids and DH was on board. Then we had kids and DH begged me to stay home. I cut back, then SAH for a year, then went back PT and am now in a FT+ job because my company was acquired and I couldn’t stay PT. Our lives are hectic and our home is filled with people - nanny, cleaning lady, grandparents helping. Things fall through the cracks, and neither of us is functioning at full capacity in these pandemic times.

I completely understand the simplicity and efficiency of having one parent stay home. It doesn’t matter which; it’s just more efficient to specialize. And my DH is a full co parent, every bit as bonded and nurturing as I am.

If you don't mind me asking, why did your DH beg you to stay home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we got married I had a great career and when I got pregnant my husband said that what works for me would work for him and that he was all in. So the decision was up to me but he would fully help make it work and he did. We’ve been married 36 years and he is the same way today.

This sounds good to me. For me it's not about SAHM vs WAHM, it;s the assumption that if there's to be a SAHP it's going to be the wife, if she hasn't put for this idea herself.

Not that poster but my husband would have gladly stayed home. I did not earn enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's because they can't wrap their heads around doing what parents in a two-career family need to do to manage a household, which is basically constant toil and a lot of executive functioning. They can't fathom it so they assume SAHM is the only answer.

Call me old fashioned, tell me I’ve set women back, but I had always wanted to be a SAHM since I was a little girl.

I had a career post college for about 8 years, met the man I’ve been married to for 25 years. We had similar life goals and he was supportive of me becoming a SAHM (or I wouldn’t have married him). Was a SAHM for 15 years. Loved it.

DH didn’t assume - his mom worked outside of the home. My MIL was never supportive of me becoming a SAHM and was openly critical, but that’s another story for a new thread!

Your story really isn't for this thread either as you CHOSE to be a SAHM. Your DH didn't assume you would be or pressure you into it.

PP quoted. You have a nasty attitude and poor reading comprehension.

Are you OP who is quoting and then ranting against anyone who dare doesn’t fit your narrative?

My point is that not ALL men assume or expect that their wives will become SAHMs. I wouldn’t marry someone who made assumptions about any of our life choices. All needs to be discussed prior to marriage.

You seem angry. Try to work on managing your own expectations.

DP. Lady, you need to chill. Yours is one of the few angry posts. Stop projecting.

We are discussing why many men assume it is the mother who should stay home with the children. Fact is, the expectation in our society is that if a parent stays home, it will be mom, and many men do expect this.

So many threads get derailed by PPs like you who feel compelled to bore us with your life story and ignore the topic at hand. Or present your individual experience as an argument that no one experiences what the OP is talking about.

[Anonymous]

My mother resented working to support the family. My mil resents that she stayed home.

I told my husband "I'll be resentful in 20 years no matter what. May as well do what works for us now".

I stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother resented working to support the family. My mil resents that she stayed home.

I told my husband "I'll be resentful in 20 years no matter what. May as well do what works for us now".

I stay home.

It sounds to me like you mother and MIL felt forced into choices they would not have made for themselves. You made your own choice. your DH, nor society didn't choose for you.

[Anonymous]

Blame their mothers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with awoman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?

Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.

To be fair, I now one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of ecpexting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

OP, I am curious why you are asking this. Is your DH pressuring you to stay home?

Thankfully no. Unfortunately, there are several women close to me who feel pressured to stay home, even though that's never what they wanted, and their husbands are being completely inflexible. There is also the multitude of threads of women worrying over becoming the default parent, or having to quit their job, or boyfriend/fiance etc has decided that the women in the equation is going to stay home.

Where does this come from, that to many it's not even a thought that they could stay home instead of mom? Especially for younger men, men 50 and younger GenXers and Millenials I can understand in precvious generations where the society was stll so patriarchal.

There have been many good points made regard socialization, men being criticized for staying home the way women are criticized for ether choice, religion, and culture.

And interesting though I consider bogus claims of men being incapable of nurturing. Though I do think there could be an argument for their being a biological drive for a mom to be near her infant.

I guess what are we getting wrong?

I think it’s more insidious than this.
Women carry the infant, so they start off a little more bonded with the infant.
Then women take maternity leave, so they learn how to take care of the baby. Maybe they are nursing as well.
Then when it comes time to go back, it becomes clear that two full throttle careers won’t work. Since the woman is more comfortable with the home stuff, she decides to step back a little.
Since she is home more, more of the home management stuff falls on her. It makes sense.
They decide to have another baby, and there is more to do at home. She is now making less money because she stepped back, and she is more comfortable with the home stuff, so it just makes sense for her to go part time.
He now feels financial pressure to care for two children and a wife working part time. He goes even harder at work (after all, his wife is taking card of the kids), and starts to make more money.
Meanwhile, her job becomes less enjoyable. She is less critical because she works part time, she is tired from doing everything at home, and work becomes only about the income.
Then one day they look at the income. And with his increase in income, her part time income minus childcare for two kids is a very small portion of their take home. It seems like it’s not worth it for the stress it’s putting on the family.
So she quits. Or takes very part time consulting work and becomes a SAHM.

So, did she choose to quit? Did he pressure her into it? I don’t know. But unless both people make a real effort to maintain two working parents, it’s all too easy to fall into the above pattern.

That's just it though. Why is it the assumption that mom will take matenity leave? He lives with the baby too, he can learn about care.

Have you had a baby? The mom needs maternity leave to recover. I was okay physically by 8 weeks but not mentally or sleep wise until 12 weeks. Dh did take paternity leave but I still needed it for me... Dh took 6 weeks when the baby was born and then 6 weeks when I went back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we got married I had a great career and when I got pregnant my husband said that what works for me would work for him and that he was all in. So the decision was up to me but he would fully help make it work and he did. We’ve been married 36 years and he is the same way today.

This sounds good to me. For me it's not about SAHM vs WAHM, it;s the assumption that if there's to be a SAHP it's going to be the wife, if she hasn't put for this idea herself.

Not that poster but my husband would have gladly stayed home. I did not earn enough.

Fair enough which brings us back to women are paid less, and the argument for that is they have kids, quit, and stay home, so men are paid more, they then assume they must be the breadwinner and on the cycle goes. Not attacking you pp. It's just maddening that we as a country can't seem to shake this cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a knock on moms that choose to stay home of their own volition.

I'm talking about guys who marry a woman with a career. Guys that get with awoman knowing her career is important to her, that she spent years getting into her position, same as he did, that just assume she'll stay home because he doesn't like daycare or his mom stayed home, and his brother's wife stays home, or because he makes money?

Why is it overwhelmingly the woman who is expected to sacrifice her career ,even if it's not what she wants.

To be fair, I now one dad who altered his career to stay home when his kids were small instead of ecpexting his wife, too, but why is this so rare?

OP, I am curious why you are asking this. Is your DH pressuring you to stay home?

Thankfully no. Unfortunately, there are several women close to me who feel pressured to stay home, even though that's never what they wanted, and their husbands are being completely inflexible. There is also the multitude of threads of women worrying over becoming the default parent, or having to quit their job, or boyfriend/fiance etc has decided that the women in the equation is going to stay home.

Where does this come from, that to many it's not even a thought that they could stay home instead of mom? Especially for younger men, men 50 and younger GenXers and Millenials I can understand in precvious generations where the society was stll so patriarchal.

There have been many good points made regard socialization, men being criticized for staying home the way women are criticized for ether choice, religion, and culture.

And interesting though I consider bogus claims of men being incapable of nurturing. Though I do think there could be an argument for their being a biological drive for a mom to be near her infant.

I guess what are we getting wrong?

I think it’s more insidious than this.
Women carry the infant, so they start off a little more bonded with the infant.
Then women take maternity leave, so they learn how to take care of the baby. Maybe they are nursing as well.
Then when it comes time to go back, it becomes clear that two full throttle careers won’t work. Since the woman is more comfortable with the home stuff, she decides to step back a little.
Since she is home more, more of the home management stuff falls on her. It makes sense.
They decide to have another baby, and there is more to do at home. She is now making less money because she stepped back, and she is more comfortable with the home stuff, so it just makes sense for her to go part time.
He now feels financial pressure to care for two children and a wife working part time. He goes even harder at work (after all, his wife is taking card of the kids), and starts to make more money.
Meanwhile, her job becomes less enjoyable. She is less critical because she works part time, she is tired from doing everything at home, and work becomes only about the income.
Then one day they look at the income. And with his increase in income, her part time income minus childcare for two kids is a very small portion of their take home. It seems like it’s not worth it for the stress it’s putting on the family.
So she quits. Or takes very part time consulting work and becomes a SAHM.

So, did she choose to quit? Did he pressure her into it? I don’t know. But unless both people make a real effort to maintain two working parents, it’s all too easy to fall into the above pattern.

That's just it though. Why is it the assumption that mom will take matenity leave? He lives with the baby too, he can learn about care.

Have you had a baby? The mom needs maternity leave to recover. I was okay physically by 8 weeks but not mentally or sleep wise until 12 weeks. Dh did take paternity leave but I still needed it for me... Dh took 6 weeks when the baby was born and then 6 weeks when I went back to work.

Why are you so defensive? I didn't say you didn't need maternity leave. I just challenged your idea that dad'd couldn't bond with babies early on. Whixh since we're on the topic, maybe that's one of the factors, men assume they can't bond with babies so they stay away.

[Anonymous]

I live in a block with the majority SAHDs. Granted it’s a very affluent area but I love the dynamic. All the kids are super well mannered and well rounded. I do get that this one working parent at home is a luxury but it’s a change from my blue collar childhood where all moms stays home because they couldn’t afford childcare.