Reply to What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Thank you, PP.  I am So proud of you for getting out and hope you are safe and happy now. I’m in a marriage that sounds similar to yours, before explicit threats.  He once raised a fist at me in anger; that was two years ago and there has been no other physical threat but lots of [b]unpredictable screaming rages[/b].  [b]In between, he’s lots of people’s ideal husband[/b]: he cooks, he cleans, he does the dishes, he pays attention to the child, he brings me cups of tea while I’m working. [b] It could be quiet for weeks and then BOOM[/b], rage.  All about politics, not something I have done in the relationship.

How did you get the courage to leave?  How did you logistically do it?  And how have you kept your kids safe since then?  It really scares me how angry he will be, forever, when I become the enemy in his mind, and our child a weapon.[/quote]

Please google about the circle of abuse -- you definitely have most components of it.

My relationship with my first abuser was long term -- we were engaged but never married.  I was the foot-dragger.  It was ugly separating from him, but I had a strong financial safety net, and an ace up my sleeve -- he was a lawyer and knew that I knew that if he actually hit me that would be the end of his legal career.

I got engaged a second time years later.  For reasons I don't want to get into, we never married but had kids (again, my choice).  That relationship was very good on the surface, but I found out about cheating and the situation unravelled in a way that was full of emotional abuse --gaslighting, manipulation, massive lies, etc.

All I can say is this:  get a lawyer.  Follow the lawyer's advice on logistics.  Document everything and make sure there are agreements in writing.  I kept my kids safe by breaking up and providing a sane, healthy home for 50% of their life.  This is literally the key thing that helped them grow up normally.  Living with an abuser to "protect" the kids isn't a rational strategy.  Kids learn to accept what they see and live with.  The main reason I ended up in two abusive relationships is that I grew up w/ a verbally abusive parent.  That is literally the reason that mad me willing to walk away with nothing but my kids.  I'm fortunate that I had enough savings and a network of friends and family that I knew I would never be homeless.

I have survived by minimizing contact as much as possible, being pleasant but pretty much grey rocking their dad.  By the time we separated, they were both verbal and over age 5, so old enough to tell me if anything truly dangerous was happening.   [/quote]

Thank you.  This is PP.  my son is now verbal and over 5, and that has been my goal, too...to stay until he would be old enough to call me if things got bad.  I’m afraid his dad will intimidate him from ever reaching out, though, or call him a pussy for being upset, or whatever.  But I have to remind myself that he will do that anyway, and at least I can free him from that abuse something like 50% of the time.

I am so tired and scared.[/quote]

I can only tell you that I felt that way for several years while the abuse was ongoing. Every day was a new trauma, a new lie uncovered and more eggshells to step around.  The day that my then DH finally left, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  I literally felt like the sun had come out for the first time in forever.  This despite the fact that I had 2 kids - a 5 y.o. and an 18 m.o.  I had a safety net of some money but wasn't employed at the time although I knew that I would have the support of all my parents and siblings.  I am definitely less well off financially and career-wise than if I had stayed in a two parent family, but my kids and I are healthy and stable in a way we never would have been had I stayed.  In fact, I would have lost my marbles if he had stayed any longer.  As it was the long term damage to me was significant.  I recommended a lawyer above, but you also need a therapist skilled in verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

In the decade+ since we split, my kids have definitely been unhappy at times and had struggles in their relationship with their dad, but they have been willing to talk to me and they are old enough to see a therapist of their own.  It is what it is.  I didn't have the power to make him stop his behavior (and you don't have that power either -- no one does.)

Good luck.

[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics