SAHMS getting a job after divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That you can post this list with a straight face is mind boggling. DH and i both work full time and both contribute sizably to $800k HHI (i think he's at $450k and me $350k).


preparing meals- 3-5 hours/wk -- WE SPLIT. AND THIS ISN'T 'MEAL PREP'. THIS IS JUST MAKING DINNER AND CLEAN UP DURING THE WEEK TIME.
school volunteering - 2-3 hours/wk -- ALMOST NONE. WITH RARE EXCEPTION, I HAVE NEVER SEEN AN IMPORTANT SCHOOL VOLUNTEER JOB THAT ISN'T MAKE WORK FOR THE SAHMS.
other volunteering - 2-3 hours/wk -- NONE.
grocery shopping - 1-2 hours/wk - WE SPLIT
general cleaning the house - 3-5 hours/wk - HOUSECLEANER SPENDS 6 HOURS EVERY SECOND WEEK
shuttling kids around to doctor/dentist/orthodontist or going to school play etc - 2-3 hours/wk - THIS NUMBER IS SUPER INFLATED. I HANDLE IT FOR MY MODERATELY SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD. DURING SCHOOL HOURS, IT'S 2-3 HOURS A MONTH.
general errands (new clothes, running to target, post office, etc) - 1-2 hours/wk - THIS IS CALLED INTERNET SURFING. IF YOU THINK YOU DESERVE ALIMONY FOR THIS, YOU ARE NUTS.
laundry - 2-3 hours/wk - 30 MINUTES A WEEK SPREAD OUT OVER 2 MINUTE INCREMENTS.
yard work (mowing, planting flowers, shoveling snow, etc) - 2-3 hours/wk - YEAH RIGHT YOU DO THIS.
general paperwork, managing finances - 1-2 hours/wk - 30 MINUTES A MONTH. DH HANDLES.
organizing/decorating house (moving out seasonal clothing, getting rid of junk, painting, etc) - 2-4 hours/wk YOU ARE A LOON.

So the "during the school day" stuff is the 6 hours every two weeks for housecleaner, 2-3 hours a month for my special needs kid, 30 minutes of laundry a week, 30 minutes of paperwork. i'm not including meals because that's dumb. That's a total of 16 hours of work every month. so you think you deserve lifetime alimony by adding 16 hours a month of ease to your working spouse's life?
exercise - 3-5 hours/wk

NP here. You are way underestimating the amount of time it takes to do things. 30 minutes a week for laundry? GTFO.

The PP may be overestimating in parts. But I can say that my DW went back to working very part-time (usually about 10-15 hours a week), and that really takes away time from doing household stuff. Also, pre-covid, my DW was home to be with the kids after school, able to take them to school in the mornings (walking), and just generally more available. All of that is super important to us -- maybe not to you -- but it takes a lot of time and attention.

You married badly, sir. Your wife tells you these things take time. She tells you she can't handle them while also working 15 hours a week. I'm telling you (as are all full time working moms) that we handle all these things plus our jobs.

And nice throw out comment re: walking kids to school being important to your family but not to us. Cuz guess what? I walk my son to and from the bus stop every day! My office hours are reduced (i make up the last couple hours in the evening or weekends and am just generally really efficient). And i have a SN kid! and i make $350k a year!

So now i'm not underestimating the amount of time it takes to do these things because i literally do them myself. Do you? Or are you just taking your wife's word for how long it takes it her to do these grueling tasks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That you can post this list with a straight face is mind boggling. DH and i both work full time and both contribute sizably to $800k HHI (i think he's at $450k and me $350k).


preparing meals- 3-5 hours/wk -- WE SPLIT. AND THIS ISN'T 'MEAL PREP'. THIS IS JUST MAKING DINNER AND CLEAN UP DURING THE WEEK TIME.
school volunteering - 2-3 hours/wk -- ALMOST NONE. WITH RARE EXCEPTION, I HAVE NEVER SEEN AN IMPORTANT SCHOOL VOLUNTEER JOB THAT ISN'T MAKE WORK FOR THE SAHMS.
other volunteering - 2-3 hours/wk -- NONE.
grocery shopping - 1-2 hours/wk - WE SPLIT
general cleaning the house - 3-5 hours/wk - HOUSECLEANER SPENDS 6 HOURS EVERY SECOND WEEK
shuttling kids around to doctor/dentist/orthodontist or going to school play etc - 2-3 hours/wk - THIS NUMBER IS SUPER INFLATED. I HANDLE IT FOR MY MODERATELY SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD. DURING SCHOOL HOURS, IT'S 2-3 HOURS A MONTH.
general errands (new clothes, running to target, post office, etc) - 1-2 hours/wk - THIS IS CALLED INTERNET SURFING. IF YOU THINK YOU DESERVE ALIMONY FOR THIS, YOU ARE NUTS.
laundry - 2-3 hours/wk - 30 MINUTES A WEEK SPREAD OUT OVER 2 MINUTE INCREMENTS.
yard work (mowing, planting flowers, shoveling snow, etc) - 2-3 hours/wk - YEAH RIGHT YOU DO THIS.
general paperwork, managing finances - 1-2 hours/wk - 30 MINUTES A MONTH. DH HANDLES.
organizing/decorating house (moving out seasonal clothing, getting rid of junk, painting, etc) - 2-4 hours/wk YOU ARE A LOON.

So the "during the school day" stuff is the 6 hours every two weeks for housecleaner, 2-3 hours a month for my special needs kid, 30 minutes of laundry a week, 30 minutes of paperwork. i'm not including meals because that's dumb. That's a total of 16 hours of work every month. so you think you deserve lifetime alimony by adding 16 hours a month of ease to your working spouse's life?
exercise - 3-5 hours/wk

That's fair, pp. No one would say that you, as a wife and mother, deserve any income. A mother of one who never volunteers or really looks beyond her own four walls, splits all of the housework and most of the childcare with her husband or maid, doesn't cook, lets her lawn go to seed, and doesn't take care of her home beyond basic cleaning is likely lazy. But that doesn't really describe many SAHM's.

Also, why wouldn't people mow their lawns or plant flowers? I look around my neighborhood and see this is done in pretty much every house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ so many of us working moms do all of those SAHM chores as well—the meals, school volunteering, grocery shopping and shuttling and many of the spouses pitch in as well. That argument never resonated with me. I think many SAHMs have serious time management issues coupled with inherent laziness—especially the ones that never go back to work.

Sorry, that's just not true. I work outside the house full time. And for the last few months while we've all been home, it's been DEFINITELY more work that doesn't have to get done when everyone's out. The house gets messier and dirtier = more cleaning. Someone has to make all the meals that used to be had outside the house. Someone's taking your child to all his/her activities if you're at work, so you have to factor that in. If you have young children, you're definitely not doing childcare for them because they are at daycare. So don't say that working women do all the stuff that SAHMs do in addition to their job because it's definitely not true. I mean I know I'm not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That you can post this list with a straight face is mind boggling. DH and i both work full time and both contribute sizably to $800k HHI (i think he's at $450k and me $350k).


preparing meals- 3-5 hours/wk -- WE SPLIT. AND THIS ISN'T 'MEAL PREP'. THIS IS JUST MAKING DINNER AND CLEAN UP DURING THE WEEK TIME.
school volunteering - 2-3 hours/wk -- ALMOST NONE. WITH RARE EXCEPTION, I HAVE NEVER SEEN AN IMPORTANT SCHOOL VOLUNTEER JOB THAT ISN'T MAKE WORK FOR THE SAHMS.
other volunteering - 2-3 hours/wk -- NONE.
grocery shopping - 1-2 hours/wk - WE SPLIT
general cleaning the house - 3-5 hours/wk - HOUSECLEANER SPENDS 6 HOURS EVERY SECOND WEEK
shuttling kids around to doctor/dentist/orthodontist or going to school play etc - 2-3 hours/wk - THIS NUMBER IS SUPER INFLATED. I HANDLE IT FOR MY MODERATELY SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD. DURING SCHOOL HOURS, IT'S 2-3 HOURS A MONTH.
general errands (new clothes, running to target, post office, etc) - 1-2 hours/wk - THIS IS CALLED INTERNET SURFING. IF YOU THINK YOU DESERVE ALIMONY FOR THIS, YOU ARE NUTS.
laundry - 2-3 hours/wk - 30 MINUTES A WEEK SPREAD OUT OVER 2 MINUTE INCREMENTS.
yard work (mowing, planting flowers, shoveling snow, etc) - 2-3 hours/wk - YEAH RIGHT YOU DO THIS.
general paperwork, managing finances - 1-2 hours/wk - 30 MINUTES A MONTH. DH HANDLES.
organizing/decorating house (moving out seasonal clothing, getting rid of junk, painting, etc) - 2-4 hours/wk YOU ARE A LOON.

So the "during the school day" stuff is the 6 hours every two weeks for housecleaner, 2-3 hours a month for my special needs kid, 30 minutes of laundry a week, 30 minutes of paperwork. i'm not including meals because that's dumb. That's a total of 16 hours of work every month. so you think you deserve lifetime alimony by adding 16 hours a month of ease to your working spouse's life?
exercise - 3-5 hours/wk

NP here. You are way underestimating the amount of time it takes to do things. 30 minutes a week for laundry? GTFO.

The PP may be overestimating in parts. But I can say that my DW went back to working very part-time (usually about 10-15 hours a week), and that really takes away time from doing household stuff. Also, pre-covid, my DW was home to be with the kids after school, able to take them to school in the mornings (walking), and just generally more available. All of that is super important to us -- maybe not to you -- but it takes a lot of time and attention.

You married badly, sir. Your wife tells you these things take time. She tells you she can't handle them while also working 15 hours a week. I'm telling you (as are all full time working moms) that we handle all these things plus our jobs.

And nice throw out comment re: walking kids to school being important to your family but not to us. Cuz guess what? I walk my son to and from the bus stop every day! My office hours are reduced (i make up the last couple hours in the evening or weekends and am just generally really efficient). And i have a SN kid! and i make $350k a year!

So now i'm not underestimating the amount of time it takes to do these things because i literally do them myself. Do you? Or are you just taking your wife's word for how long it takes it her to do these grueling tasks?

You literally just wrote in the post above this one that your husband does 1/4 of these tasks, your housekeeper does 1/4, and of the other half, most of it just doesn’t get done at all. So no, you don’t “literally” do it all. You don’t do most of it, and what you do decide to do, you push off onto other people.
You also wrote that you are working days, evenings, and weekends with specific hours cut out for your family. So no, you aren’t “generally available.”

Are there WOHMs who are really trying to do it all and be available to both their work and their families? Of course. I see them every day. They are amazing and wonderful, and they realize that caring for a home and family takes effort.

Your efforts to put down wives and mothers of all forms are not appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You married badly, sir. Your wife tells you these things take time. She tells you she can't handle them while also working 15 hours a week. I'm telling you (as are all full time working moms) that we handle all these things plus our jobs.

And nice throw out comment re: walking kids to school being important to your family but not to us. Cuz guess what? I walk my son to and from the bus stop every day! My office hours are reduced (i make up the last couple hours in the evening or weekends and am just generally really efficient). And i have a SN kid! and i make $350k a year!

So now i'm not underestimating the amount of time it takes to do these things because i literally do them myself. Do you? Or are you just taking your wife's word for how long it takes it her to do these grueling tasks?

First, not everyone's hours are reduced. Most people are at their desks till 5 or 6.

Second, if you make 350K, I dunno why you're doing your own laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That you can post this list with a straight face is mind boggling. DH and i both work full time and both contribute sizably to $800k HHI (i think he's at $450k and me $350k).


preparing meals- 3-5 hours/wk -- WE SPLIT. AND THIS ISN'T 'MEAL PREP'. THIS IS JUST MAKING DINNER AND CLEAN UP DURING THE WEEK TIME.
school volunteering - 2-3 hours/wk -- ALMOST NONE. WITH RARE EXCEPTION, I HAVE NEVER SEEN AN IMPORTANT SCHOOL VOLUNTEER JOB THAT ISN'T MAKE WORK FOR THE SAHMS.
other volunteering - 2-3 hours/wk -- NONE.
grocery shopping - 1-2 hours/wk - WE SPLIT
general cleaning the house - 3-5 hours/wk - HOUSECLEANER SPENDS 6 HOURS EVERY SECOND WEEK
shuttling kids around to doctor/dentist/orthodontist or going to school play etc - 2-3 hours/wk - THIS NUMBER IS SUPER INFLATED. I HANDLE IT FOR MY MODERATELY SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD. DURING SCHOOL HOURS, IT'S 2-3 HOURS A MONTH.
general errands (new clothes, running to target, post office, etc) - 1-2 hours/wk - THIS IS CALLED INTERNET SURFING. IF YOU THINK YOU DESERVE ALIMONY FOR THIS, YOU ARE NUTS.
laundry - 2-3 hours/wk - 30 MINUTES A WEEK SPREAD OUT OVER 2 MINUTE INCREMENTS.
yard work (mowing, planting flowers, shoveling snow, etc) - 2-3 hours/wk - YEAH RIGHT YOU DO THIS.
general paperwork, managing finances - 1-2 hours/wk - 30 MINUTES A MONTH. DH HANDLES.
organizing/decorating house (moving out seasonal clothing, getting rid of junk, painting, etc) - 2-4 hours/wk YOU ARE A LOON.

So the "during the school day" stuff is the 6 hours every two weeks for housecleaner, 2-3 hours a month for my special needs kid, 30 minutes of laundry a week, 30 minutes of paperwork. i'm not including meals because that's dumb. That's a total of 16 hours of work every month. so you think you deserve lifetime alimony by adding 16 hours a month of ease to your working spouse's life?
exercise - 3-5 hours/wk

NP here. You are way underestimating the amount of time it takes to do things. 30 minutes a week for laundry? GTFO.

The PP may be overestimating in parts. But I can say that my DW went back to working very part-time (usually about 10-15 hours a week), and that really takes away time from doing household stuff. Also, pre-covid, my DW was home to be with the kids after school, able to take them to school in the mornings (walking), and just generally more available. All of that is super important to us -- maybe not to you -- but it takes a lot of time and attention.

You married badly, sir. Your wife tells you these things take time. She tells you she can't handle them while also working 15 hours a week. I'm telling you (as are all full time working moms) that we handle all these things plus our jobs.

And nice throw out comment re: walking kids to school being important to your family but not to us. Cuz guess what? I walk my son to and from the bus stop every day! My office hours are reduced (i make up the last couple hours in the evening or weekends and am just generally really efficient). And i have a SN kid! and i make $350k a year!

So now i'm not underestimating the amount of time it takes to do these things because i literally do them myself. Do you? Or are you just taking your wife's word for how long it takes it her to do these grueling tasks?

I work from home now all the time, and worked from home a lot prior to COVID, and I saw the amount of work. I can see that it adds up. I didn't marry to have someone as a worker bee in my life, and your "married badly" says everything we need to know about your views about domestic relationships.

Anyway, as another PP pointed out, you don't do all that. You don't do most of it. And does your kid do before or after care? The walking to and from the bus stop is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about being with them during non-school hours to hang out, talk with them, love them up. There is simply no way that you are available all those hours for your kids. It's fine that you've made other choices based on other values, but no one believes that you are doing it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That you can post this list with a straight face is mind boggling. DH and i both work full time and both contribute sizably to $800k HHI (i think he's at $450k and me $350k).


preparing meals- 3-5 hours/wk -- WE SPLIT. AND THIS ISN'T 'MEAL PREP'. THIS IS JUST MAKING DINNER AND CLEAN UP DURING THE WEEK TIME.
school volunteering - 2-3 hours/wk -- ALMOST NONE. WITH RARE EXCEPTION, I HAVE NEVER SEEN AN IMPORTANT SCHOOL VOLUNTEER JOB THAT ISN'T MAKE WORK FOR THE SAHMS.
other volunteering - 2-3 hours/wk -- NONE.
grocery shopping - 1-2 hours/wk - WE SPLIT
general cleaning the house - 3-5 hours/wk - HOUSECLEANER SPENDS 6 HOURS EVERY SECOND WEEK
shuttling kids around to doctor/dentist/orthodontist or going to school play etc - 2-3 hours/wk - THIS NUMBER IS SUPER INFLATED. I HANDLE IT FOR MY MODERATELY SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD. DURING SCHOOL HOURS, IT'S 2-3 HOURS A MONTH.
general errands (new clothes, running to target, post office, etc) - 1-2 hours/wk - THIS IS CALLED INTERNET SURFING. IF YOU THINK YOU DESERVE ALIMONY FOR THIS, YOU ARE NUTS.
laundry - 2-3 hours/wk - 30 MINUTES A WEEK SPREAD OUT OVER 2 MINUTE INCREMENTS.
yard work (mowing, planting flowers, shoveling snow, etc) - 2-3 hours/wk - YEAH RIGHT YOU DO THIS.
general paperwork, managing finances - 1-2 hours/wk - 30 MINUTES A MONTH. DH HANDLES.
organizing/decorating house (moving out seasonal clothing, getting rid of junk, painting, etc) - 2-4 hours/wk YOU ARE A LOON.

So the "during the school day" stuff is the 6 hours every two weeks for housecleaner, 2-3 hours a month for my special needs kid, 30 minutes of laundry a week, 30 minutes of paperwork. i'm not including meals because that's dumb. That's a total of 16 hours of work every month. so you think you deserve lifetime alimony by adding 16 hours a month of ease to your working spouse's life?
exercise - 3-5 hours/wk

NP here. You are way underestimating the amount of time it takes to do things. 30 minutes a week for laundry? GTFO.

The PP may be overestimating in parts. But I can say that my DW went back to working very part-time (usually about 10-15 hours a week), and that really takes away time from doing household stuff. Also, pre-covid, my DW was home to be with the kids after school, able to take them to school in the mornings (walking), and just generally more available. All of that is super important to us -- maybe not to you -- but it takes a lot of time and attention.

You married badly, sir. Your wife tells you these things take time. She tells you she can't handle them while also working 15 hours a week. I'm telling you (as are all full time working moms) that we handle all these things plus our jobs.

And nice throw out comment re: walking kids to school being important to your family but not to us. Cuz guess what? I walk my son to and from the bus stop every day! My office hours are reduced (i make up the last couple hours in the evening or weekends and am just generally really efficient). And i have a SN kid! and i make $350k a year!

So now i'm not underestimating the amount of time it takes to do these things because i literally do them myself. Do you? Or are you just taking your wife's word for how long it takes it her to do these grueling tasks?

What on earth are you talking about?

His wife is able to spend a lot of time with the kids which is most important. You can't do that working f/t no matter how much you think you do.

I would say he married quite well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious how many SAHMs had to get a job or lost the house after divorce?

Divorce is often glamorized and made that the woman gets everything and a glorious life when in reality it's the exception vs reality.

I'm thinking of a serial cheating woman I know whose husband just found out about her long affair.

This woman made excuses for not working for decades. Her kids are in high school.

Well I don't know any on welfare. Most survive or do just fine.

So is her DH divorcing her? Men stay with horrible women also because of kids and finances. He may not even care about her. If they've been married a long time he would have to pay support and probably alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You married badly, sir. Your wife tells you these things take time. She tells you she can't handle them while also working 15 hours a week. I'm telling you (as are all full time working moms) that we handle all these things plus our jobs.

And nice throw out comment re: walking kids to school being important to your family but not to us. Cuz guess what? I walk my son to and from the bus stop every day! My office hours are reduced (i make up the last couple hours in the evening or weekends and am just generally really efficient). And i have a SN kid! and i make $350k a year!

So now i'm not underestimating the amount of time it takes to do these things because i literally do them myself. Do you? Or are you just taking your wife's word for how long it takes it her to do these grueling tasks?

First, not everyone's hours are reduced. Most people are at their desks till 5 or 6.

Second, if you make 350K, I dunno why you're doing your own laundry.

I make more than that and do my own laundry and clean my own house. It always surprises me when SAHMs with older children don’t do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You married badly, sir. Your wife tells you these things take time. She tells you she can't handle them while also working 15 hours a week. I'm telling you (as are all full time working moms) that we handle all these things plus our jobs.

And nice throw out comment re: walking kids to school being important to your family but not to us. Cuz guess what? I walk my son to and from the bus stop every day! My office hours are reduced (i make up the last couple hours in the evening or weekends and am just generally really efficient). And i have a SN kid! and i make $350k a year!

So now i'm not underestimating the amount of time it takes to do these things because i literally do them myself. Do you? Or are you just taking your wife's word for how long it takes it her to do these grueling tasks?

First, not everyone's hours are reduced. Most people are at their desks till 5 or 6.

Second, if you make 350K, I dunno why you're doing your own laundry.

I make more than that and do my own laundry and clean my own house. It always surprises me when SAHMs with older children don’t do this.

It must be not a very large house, then. Professional cleaners are typically required for 2500+ sq.ft. homes. Otherwise you easily end up spending whole day on quality bathrooms cleaning. Doesn't make sense at all, if you make more than $30/hr at your day job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You married badly, sir. Your wife tells you these things take time. She tells you she can't handle them while also working 15 hours a week. I'm telling you (as are all full time working moms) that we handle all these things plus our jobs.

And nice throw out comment re: walking kids to school being important to your family but not to us. Cuz guess what? I walk my son to and from the bus stop every day! My office hours are reduced (i make up the last couple hours in the evening or weekends and am just generally really efficient). And i have a SN kid! and i make $350k a year!

So now i'm not underestimating the amount of time it takes to do these things because i literally do them myself. Do you? Or are you just taking your wife's word for how long it takes it her to do these grueling tasks?

First, not everyone's hours are reduced. Most people are at their desks till 5 or 6.

Second, if you make 350K, I dunno why you're doing your own laundry.

I make more than that and do my own laundry and clean my own house. It always surprises me when SAHMs with older children don’t do this.

I wouldn't want strangers in my home or bathroom for that matter. We do quite well but choose to do our own cleaning and laundry.

It must be not a very large house, then. Professional cleaners are typically required for 2500+ sq.ft. homes. Otherwise you easily end up spending whole day on quality bathrooms cleaning. Doesn't make sense at all, if you make more than $30/hr at your day job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM, had an affair, and got divorced. I don’t know why people think going back to work is a negative thing, I really enjoy working.

Life is definitely better now. Kids are with their dad 50% of the time so I actually have more free time now than as a SAHM. My ex controlled all the money, so even though I make less than him, my standard of living is higher. There’s no shortage of men to date. Life’s pretty good.

I'm glad you landed on your feet. Some posters can be very black and white about cheating. I had one friend who got divorced. I didn't understand why at the time because I really liked her husband and they had a kid. Later on I found out how emotionally abusive and unsupportive he and his family were, and that she had an affair during the marriage. Then she left (not for her AP, just left in general). She went back to work and is so much happier now.

I say this because even though we were close friends, you don't ever really know another person's marriage. She had only told one friend about this during the marriage (not me). Sometimes a person is just being a selfish jerk by having an affair, but sometimes the spouse is being cruel and this is an escape while coming to terms with what to do. I don't condone it, but I also get how life can be messy and decent people can do not so decent things during a bad time.

I don't agree with the posters who enjoy sticking it to SAHMs who need to go back to work. It's not like the husbands are always perfect partners and the cheating wives are evil. I also don't think alimony should be based on cheating or not. A marriage is too complex of an issue. I say this as someone who's pretty sure my husband has been cheating on me. I don't think it's entirely my fault, but I also know that our marriage has been rocky for a while so it's different from some happy couple with one spouse getting blindsided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who was your VA lawyer? I’m shopping for one.

Yes, please do tell. I'm shopping for one and gathering evidence of his mid-life crisis hook-up with strippers while on business trips. Married 20 years, but I have worked at a well-paying job for the entire marriage. I'm not looking for a windfall, just trying to get what i'm entitled to under Virginia law and make sure he doesn't benefit from breaking the marital contract.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM, had an affair, and got divorced. I don’t know why people think going back to work is a negative thing, I really enjoy working.

Life is definitely better now. Kids are with their dad 50% of the time so I actually have more free time now than as a SAHM. My ex controlled all the money, so even though I make less than him, my standard of living is higher. There’s no shortage of men to date. Life’s pretty good.

I'm glad you landed on your feet. Some posters can be very black and white about cheating. I had one friend who got divorced. I didn't understand why at the time because I really liked her husband and they had a kid. Later on I found out how emotionally abusive and unsupportive he and his family were, and that she had an affair during the marriage. Then she left (not for her AP, just left in general). She went back to work and is so much happier now.

I say this because even though we were close friends, you don't ever really know another person's marriage. She had only told one friend about this during the marriage (not me). Sometimes a person is just being a selfish jerk by having an affair, but sometimes the spouse is being cruel and this is an escape while coming to terms with what to do. I don't condone it, but I also get how life can be messy and decent people can do not so decent things during a bad time.

I don't agree with the posters who enjoy sticking it to SAHMs who need to go back to work. It's not like the husbands are always perfect partners and the cheating wives are evil. I also don't think alimony should be based on cheating or not. A marriage is too complex of an issue. I say this as someone who's pretty sure my husband has been cheating on me. I don't think it's entirely my fault, but I also know that our marriage has been rocky for a while so it's different from some happy couple with one spouse getting blindsided.

Honey, if your affair was with a married man with kids, you ruined two families. You are still entirely “selfish” thinking “poor old me and my emotionally distant husband” completely accepting zero responsibility for f@cking another woman’s husband and ruining her kids’ future. A woman who did nothing to deserve the intentional harm you inflicted knowing she and her kids existed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who was your VA lawyer? I’m shopping for one.

Yes, please do tell. I'm shopping for one and gathering evidence of his mid-life crisis hook-up with strippers while on business trips. Married 20 years, but I have worked at a well-paying job for the entire marriage. I'm not looking for a windfall, just trying to get what i'm entitled to under Virginia law and make sure he doesn't benefit from breaking the marital contract.

I’m looking in VA as well! For now post-nup, but high chance of actual divorce.