17 year old son planning on tricking us to spend night with gf -gf’s parents away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God, what kind of teenage experiences did you guys have?

When I was 17 I did this exact thing. I spent the night at my boyfriends when his mom was out of town. Yes, we had sex. [many times, not just that specific night]

We are celebrating our 25th anniversary this year. I don't think it was awful what we did.

Respectful. We did not lie where we were at, called if running late and this was before cell phones and would never ever stay overnight like that without permission.

[Anonymous]

I love all this moral high ground.

He's 17. This is normal, talking back is normal, arguing normal.

Lying not great, but again typical at this age.

Always keep lines of communication open. Very important at 17. Does that mean he gets to unilaterally do what he wants nope.

Consequenses for lying for sure.

Double talk about protection. I'd even take him to the store.

Would I allow sex in my home nope. Would I have told the girls parents their plans. Yes. Do not want anyone who is 16 becoming pregnant on my watch. I would also tell them because that's what parents do. Will they find another place to have sex, yes.

This is so normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP when you wrote this

"I fear I will come across as a maniac"

I thought there may be hope for you.

He is having sex with this girl and will continue to have sex with girls.

The rule about coming home, is ludicrous.

This post is from a man, for sure, but it's an eye-opener. I guess you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.

Very much female, sorry. Female heterosexual who started having sex at 17 and now have kids in their early teens. The difference is I grew up in Europe where there are less purient attitudes and rules about sex between consenting teens.

Do you mean "prurient?"

yes indeed. thanks for the spell check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would call his phone, girls home or parents and let them know you are coming over to get him now with your spouse and that he loses the car privileges for a month, cannot go out without you or your husband except school and activities and restrict use of the phone. From now on all texts and emails go to your phone as well AND he is restricted from downloading anything without your permission. I would email the parents and let them know what happened and let them know his is not to sleep over or be at their house when they are not home.

OP here. Thank you. That is where I am headed. I just wanted to test the temperature out there.
So I’m not off base in my belief that spending the night together at this age is not appropriate not least because not only I but her parents do not approve? Are 17/16 year olds spending nights with gf’s now? I know I sound mad but are my rules too restrictive? I’m just sick that he would deceive us like this and I’m doubting myself and wondering if I pushed him to this. I don’t think that is an excuse to deceive but I just want to get perspective.
I want to have a balanced reaction to this.

What would happen if she gets pregnant??

[Anonymous]

OP what happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God, what kind of teenage experiences did you guys have?

When I was 17 I did this exact thing. I spent the night at my boyfriends when his mom was out of town. Yes, we had sex. [many times, not just that specific night]

We are celebrating our 25th anniversary this year. I don't think it was awful what we did.

The kind where my parents didn’t let me be a teen whore.

[Anonymous]

I’d be very concerned about a teen pregnancy. That could derail the lives of these two kids. OP, your son iIS going to have sex at this point, if he’s already started. I know it’s disturbing, but you have to try to shift your approach to accommodate that fact, even if you don’t suggest to him that you are condoning it. The sneaking and lying are separate issues. I’m curious to hear how this all turned out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m parked outside the friend’s house where his phone says he is and texted and called him and he hasn’t come out.
I think he’s at the gf’s house but left his phone here. I’ve been here for almost 3 hours.
Do I stay here or go to girlfriend’s house? If I go there he could say he just went to pick up his car and left his phone at friend’s house. If I stay at friend’s he will have to come here to pick up his phone and will have to explain why his phone is here and has been all night while he hasn’t.
But the question is should I stay here at all? I can’t ring the door bell because I don’t want to wake up friend’s parents. So short of catching him out why am I here?
I could go to gf’s house and ring the bell since her parents are not there but she could say my son is not there and he could nip to friend’s house, get his phone and go to gf’s house as if that was the plan all along.

The question still is-am I acting like a normal rational woman? Should I just go home and wait for him and dish out the punishment? What purpose will catching him in the act serve?
I’m so confused.

To answer your question no, you are not acting normal. Three hours sitting outside of the friends house is crazy. Not wanting your son to spend the night with his girlfriend is perfectly acceptable and I 100% agree with you. Having said this, hunting him down and staying out the house is not OK in this situation. You have told him what is acceptable in your home, you told him what your expectations are, now it’s on him to make the choice. If he doesn’t follow the rules he suffers the consequences. Sitting in a car outside for three hours is nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, what kind of teenage experiences did you guys have?

When I was 17 I did this exact thing. I spent the night at my boyfriends when his mom was out of town. Yes, we had sex. [many times, not just that specific night]

We are celebrating our 25th anniversary this year. I don't think it was awful what we did.

The kind where my parents didn’t let me be a teen whore.

You think a 17 yo having sex, with their boyfriend is a whore? Really?

[Anonymous]

Mama is coddling her boy. Typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m parked outside the friend’s house where his phone says he is and texted and called him and he hasn’t come out.
I think he’s at the gf’s house but left his phone here. I’ve been here for almost 3 hours.
Do I stay here or go to girlfriend’s house? If I go there he could say he just went to pick up his car and left his phone at friend’s house. If I stay at friend’s he will have to come here to pick up his phone and will have to explain why his phone is here and has been all night while he hasn’t.
But the question is should I stay here at all? I can’t ring the door bell because I don’t want to wake up friend’s parents. So short of catching him out why am I here?
I could go to gf’s house and ring the bell since her parents are not there but she could say my son is not there and he could nip to friend’s house, get his phone and go to gf’s house as if that was the plan all along.

The question still is-am I acting like a normal rational woman? Should I just go home and wait for him and dish out the punishment? What purpose will catching him in the act serve?
I’m so confused.

To answer your question no, you are not acting normal. Three hours sitting outside of the friends house is crazy. Not wanting your son to spend the night with his girlfriend is perfectly acceptable and I 100% agree with you. Having said this, hunting him down and staying out the house is not OK in this situation. You have told him what is acceptable in your home, you told him what your expectations are, now it’s on him to make the choice. If he doesn’t follow the rules he suffers the consequences. Sitting in a car outside for three hours is nuts.

Totally agree. OP, you are way way way overinvolved with your son. He's acting like the normal rational person and you are acting like a crazed lunatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God, what kind of teenage experiences did you guys have?

When I was 17 I did this exact thing. I spent the night at my boyfriends when his mom was out of town. Yes, we had sex. [many times, not just that specific night]

We are celebrating our 25th anniversary this year. I don't think it was awful what we did.

+1. We will celebrate our 20th anniversary in a few months. OP, your kid is already having sex with this girl and she's probably not the first or last one. Open discussions about birth control are imperative. That's the issue that will wreck his future if he doesn't take it seriously.

[Anonymous]

If her parents would not approve then I would not be ok with him spending the night. It’s not about what I think is on or whether I think my child is mature enough for the relationship. It’s about the fact that it her parents’ home and he needs to abide by their rules in their house.

As to the rest, I’d have a real problem with my child lying to me. I definitely would take away cars, phones and whatever else they used to make the scheme work. Doesn’t mean that they can’t find other ways to get around, but you are not going to use things I own (and likely pay for) to engage in that sort of behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like she's gone completely nutty if she's sitting outside his friends house in a car for three hours. Just go to the girlfriends house and check on him, or not.

It sounds like you need to start allowing your son more freedom, talk to him about birth control or take him to the doctor to have a talk, and start preparing him to be an adult. Which requires he not outwardly lie to you, and that you don't stalk him.

The fact that he concocted this whole scheme in the first place shows that he is very clever, and that he is used to getting around all the rules you throw up all the time. Start treating each other with respect OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, what kind of teenage experiences did you guys have?

When I was 17 I did this exact thing. I spent the night at my boyfriends when his mom was out of town. Yes, we had sex. [many times, not just that specific night]

We are celebrating our 25th anniversary this year. I don't think it was awful what we did.

The kind where my parents didn’t let me be a teen whore.

You think a 17 yo having sex, with their boyfriend is a whore? Really?

I think children who live in my home and do not provide for themselves do not get permission to spend the night in my house or anyone else’s house to have sex. You can wait until college for that.