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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The “it’s just open communication” line of thinking in this thread is wild.

First, the [i] very act of discussing[/i] a desire can change the dynamic of relationship in a way that can’t be changed back. If your husband came to you and expressed a desire to sleep with your sister or your best friend, it would change your relationship with your husband even if you said no and he dropped it after that.

Second, the very act of asking potentially puts your partner in an untenable position. OP either holds his ground and comes off as insecure and possessive (note how quickly he was accused of being insecure in this very thread) or he has to go along with something he didn’t want.  You don’t get to put your partner in a potential no win situation and then hide behind open communication.  After many years of marriage, the vast vast majority of spouses know where their partner stands on these topics.

Finally, this pseudo-intellectual, just define marriage to be what you want it to be argument is sad. If you want to be married, then be married. If you want something else, don’t be married.  If you find out monogamy isn’t for you then simply don’t be married. [/quote]

OP's wife didn't do anything to him- she didn't lie to him, she didn't cheat on him. And when he indicated that he was uncomfortable with opening the marriage, she agreed to drop it. He got his way and he's still petulant about it. That says volumes about his character.

Quite frankly, if merely discussing a desire is that problematic, then their relationship must be incredibly fragile to begin.

If monogamy is important your marriage, then it's important your individual marriage. But you don't get to define marriage for anyone else. 
[/quote]

So if you’re husband came to you and told you he wanted to sleep with your sister or your best friend and he wanted your blessing and you said no, that would be the end of it?  You would leave it at that?

Sometimes the very act of asking for or discussing something changes the relationship dynamic.

And you’re wrong about the meaning of marriage—if everybody gets to define marriage to be whatever they want it to mean, then marriage doesn’t really mean anything at all, does it?[/quote]

Marriage does have a meaning. It is a legal and financial contract with specific rights, benefits, ramifications as defined by the law.

Anything else besides that is negotiated and determined by the specific married couple.

Your example with the best friend and sister is facetious- reasonable people with open marriages generally set reasonable restrictions and don't involve family members or close friends.

There's nothing wrong with having preferences in bed. You don't ever have to justify your preferences. But it is wrong to shame your partner over their likes or kinks or make them feel like they can't ever bring it up. If an open relationship or marriage is not for you, then it is not for you. But you shouldn't shame your partner for wanting it or just talking about it.

Generally speaking, dh and I are sexually compatible but there are some things that he likes but I don't and vice-versa. If one of us gave a hard no to something, the other person would respect it. That would be the end of it. But we are also not afraid to talk about things and try to compromise whenever it is possible. [/quote]

If marriage is indistinguishable from a legal partnership, then just call it that.

The sister/best friend example is not facetious. It is an extreme end of the spectrum that demonstrates that this conversation isn’t really about the principle of the matter but about where boundaries are drawn.  Discussing what is within your personal comfort zone is easy for anybody. But moving beyond boundaries is where principles no longer govern.

Sure, it’s easy to say that kinks should be openly discussed with no shaming but I guarantee you that your partner could come to you with a practiced kink that would draw a negative reaction from you. Don’t hold it against OP that he found himself in that boat. [/quote]

PP. Like I said, dh likes some things that I don't. In order to disclose something very personal and private, he had to make himself vulnerable to me. I would never shame him for desiring those things or telling me because I'm not an asshole. [/quote]

I’m not just talking about things your spouses likes but you don’t. I’m asking if there truly is no kink which you would find so utterly grotesque that it wouldn’t illicit a negative reaction from you. Do you really believe that?  So if your husband wanted to make a Nazi themed sex tape like Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband you’d turn it down politely and leave it at that?  Crush stuff like the Supreme Court ruled on a few years back?[/quote]

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