When the Other Woman meets your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Once a cheater, always a cheater” ahhhh the old adage the bitter women tell themselves to feel better about being a crappy, miserable, unfulfilling spouse! Sorry, it doesn’t always work that way! He may, in fact, find true happiness! Isn’t that a killer?

Nice try but I've actually never been cheated on. But I fully believe a dishonest person is always going to be dishonest. If I were in the new woman's shoes, I don't think I could trust a guy who stepped out on his wife and children. I mean, even if it's true and you found happiness, you're still a liar and a cheater...

[Anonymous]

Cheating is a big bucket term for a pretty wide range of behaviors. There is a big difference between, say, the otherwise-good-father who cheated once or twice or even for a month within a context of mutual bad behavior, and, say, a decade of gaslighting and manipulation by an already-shitty-father who'd been ignoring his own kids while impregnating his mistress while basically living a double life. (E.g. he had met her parents...!)

Maybe we should continue this discussion without assuming that all cheaters and cheating are created equal

[Anonymous]

I just want you to know, that every SINGLE time I see you, I will send up a little prayer that you explosively shit your pants in public. And on the day DH cheats on you, and he will, because he's a cheater, I will go get a cake with your face on it to celebrate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Focus on how she treats your kids and what’s best for them. This woman really has done nothing to you - your ex husband broke his vows to you; she didn’t. And don’t be afraid to run into her! She has nothing on you and you have no reason to be nervous about seeing her. Feel sorry for her, if anything - she’s stuck with the jerk now.

I agree with everything except "this woman has done nothing to you". It's mostly the husband's fault, but women with any sort of integrity do not have affairs with married men, and she is responsible for helping to break up a family.

Kill the b--- with kindness, OP, and remember, you're now free to find a decent guy and she's stuck with a crummy cheater. And once a cheater, always a cheater.

So the other woman doesn’t have integrity... that’s not OP’s concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating is a big bucket term for a pretty wide range of behaviors. There is a big difference between, say, the otherwise-good-father who cheated once or twice or even for a month within a context of mutual bad behavior, and, say, a decade of gaslighting and manipulation by an already-shitty-father who'd been ignoring his own kids while impregnating his mistress while basically living a double life. (E.g. he had met her parents...!)

Maybe we should continue this discussion without assuming that all cheaters and cheating are created equal

We are talking about a guy introducing his kids to his AP and the AP moving her kids to his kids school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Once a cheater, always a cheater” ahhhh the old adage the bitter women tell themselves to feel better about being a crappy, miserable, unfulfilling spouse! Sorry, it doesn’t always work that way! He may, in fact, find true happiness! Isn’t that a killer?

Nice try but I've actually never been cheated on. But I fully believe a dishonest person is always going to be dishonest. If I were in the new woman's shoes, I don't think I could trust a guy who stepped out on his wife and children. I mean, even if it's true and you found happiness, you're still a liar and a cheater...

People hate that their are normal mature happily married people who agree with OP.

[Anonymous]

We haven't heard much from OP.

Very little details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Once a cheater, always a cheater” ahhhh the old adage the bitter women tell themselves to feel better about being a crappy, miserable, unfulfilling spouse! Sorry, it doesn’t always work that way! He may, in fact, find true happiness! Isn’t that a killer?

Nice try but I've actually never been cheated on. But I fully believe a dishonest person is always going to be dishonest. If I were in the new woman's shoes, I don't think I could trust a guy who stepped out on his wife and children. I mean, even if it's true and you found happiness, you're still a liar and a cheater...

People hate that their are normal mature happily married people who agree with OP.

PP is right. The odds and statistics align with that, They'll likely break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think this was well stated. It's absolutely vital to tell the kids the truth because they will ask why they are divorcing. Why is dad living with Suzie? Why do I have to share my dad and toys with Suzie's kids? Etc. Etc.

One can be honest, but not giving out marriage details or as someone suggested not using your child as a therapist. That's totally wrong. So is bad mouthing the other parent - the kids will form their own opinions.

If he ends up with the AP I don't see a reason OP would have to talk to her. Only talk to the ex about the kids.

For the last time: Because your kid is not your therapist. Because this is how most conversations would go:

Mom: dad is living with Suzie because he slept with her and I kicked him out
Dad: I slept with Suzie because mom cut-off all physical affection
Mom: I cut off affection because dad didn't meet my emotional needs
Dad: I was busy working because mom decided to downscale at work and ran up some unnecessary spending

You get the point. Seriously, there are always two sides to this. Your kid isn't the ref. Grow up.

Well before you get to the end of that should be “adult relationships are complicated and sometimes people who once loved each other grow apart or discover they don’t want the same things in life or end up bringing out the worst in each other rather than the best. Sometimes they have to split so that each can be a better person and a better parent. There’s no way you can understand everything about our relationship and why it went bad, but know that we both love you so much”. And even, “as you get older and have more life experience we can talk about this more, but for now, that’s really all there is to say”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating is a big bucket term for a pretty wide range of behaviors. There is a big difference between, say, the otherwise-good-father who cheated once or twice or even for a month within a context of mutual bad behavior, and, say, a decade of gaslighting and manipulation by an already-shitty-father who'd been ignoring his own kids while impregnating his mistress while basically living a double life. (E.g. he had met her parents...!)

Maybe we should continue this discussion without assuming that all cheaters and cheating are created equal

Nonsense. That's like saying my PTSD from my spouses One night stand is no less worthy than a combat veteran wounded in a blaze o bullets. Or that my children aren't equally abused by spousal infidelity than those who are physically beaten. It's all horrific abuse that cannot be tolerated in society

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm uninterested in turning my kids against their dad. Hes a good dad, they love him, and they should. I know they are going to struggle with meeting her and her three younger kids, but that's not something i can control.

Yes, she moved to my neighborhood. I found out shortly after I asked my DH to leave the house once I had given up on reconciliation. He claims he didnt know she moved there. No, I didnt believe him.

[Anonymous]

OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

You do not talk to her.

You act like she is not there.

You do not sit together. Sit with your friends.

She should not pick up your kids, your H should ... but if she does she sits at the curb and the kids go out to the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
I dont want to act crazy, I'm uninterested in revenge. I'm interested in advice from BTDT women who have had to deal with this. The first time she shows up at a soccer game, what do I do? When she shows up to pick the kids up, what do I say? Just pretend I have no idea who she is? Like I dont remember her?
I just dont know how to handle this next phase with class and grace.

Treat her like a business associate. Factual, small talk, etc. Nothing mean but nothing extra. She has access to your kids part time and you need her on your team, whether you like it or not

[Anonymous]

If your X ends up living w/ her or marrying just treat her like an associate at work. All business, no smiles/funny talk.