No kids weddings rant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love kids at weddings. Had tons of kids at ours, love seeing them at others. (Actually, I hate weddings, so kids are the best part ...)

My cousin is getting married this summer in our hometown but he scheduled the wedding for late enough that my 2 and 5 year olds can't go. Well, the 5 year old might make it, but no way on the 2 year old. It's his prerogative and he can do what he wants, and he did not expressly say no kids, but I am not the only one a tad miffed. Literally everyone else in the family has kids 6 and under, including his own sister. He is the youngest cousin and the last to be married. We will probably wind up leaving the kids with my inlaws several hours away, but it's a shame because if we brought them they could see their cousins and my grandparents, who are 92 and don't get out much. But if we bring them we have to find sitters for multiple days for all the non-kid-friendly wedding events (late rehearsal dinner, wedding, brunch at non-kid-friendly restaurant, etc).

Obviously this is my own problem and I wouldn't say anything. Still, I am not the only one who wishes someone had told him to take this into consideration. It's why we scheduled our own wedding for 4 pm, because when I got married 10 years ago it was my cousins on the other side with young kids and we wanted to be sensitive to that. For us, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc are all about family. Well, except for this one cousin!

Not everyone wants a lame brunch wedding or a boring early evening wedding.

And they can have whatever they want. I quite enjoyed my boring early evening wedding in which no one got shitfaced and there was a fantastic klezmer band, lots of dancing kids, and the joyful union of two families. It's been 10 years and my parents still happily host my inlaws and my sister's inlaws for all holidays. And their dogs, too.

Just saying, against our family background, my cousin is the one being a bit of a douche. (Same cousin who was literally the only family member -- out of 60 people -- not to attend my grandfather's 90th birthday weekend. DH and I drove 2 days with a 3 year old and a 4 month old. Cousin's sister and her fiance flew in from CA. Cousin couldn't make it because he decided to attend a bachelor party instead. He's a nice guy but at 32 he still acts like college kid.)

Actually? You're the douche. Everyone can choose how they want to live their own damn life. You prioritize family--that's great; so do I. We have that in common. But--stay with me, now, I know this is hard for you to grasp--People Are Different From You. Some people just aren't that "into" family stuff. And yet, they're still full adults who still get to fully shape their own damn lives.

My brother's just not that into family stuff. As I am one of the very few people who respects and appreciates him anyway, and doesn't guilt-trip and hound and pester him all the time, I'm one of the very few family members he makes an effort with and stays connected with. I don't try to "figure him out" or make him conform to what I think adulthood looks like or should be. And as a result, I reap the benefits of the time and connections he is willing to make. When I see him, great! When I don't, fine, hope all is well.

Life for other people doesn't look like what you think it has to look life. I guess that's a lesson you didn't grasp as a "college kid," or beyond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love kids at weddings. Had tons of kids at ours, love seeing them at others. (Actually, I hate weddings, so kids are the best part ...)

My cousin is getting married this summer in our hometown but he scheduled the wedding for late enough that my 2 and 5 year olds can't go. Well, the 5 year old might make it, but no way on the 2 year old. It's his prerogative and he can do what he wants, and he did not expressly say no kids, but I am not the only one a tad miffed. Literally everyone else in the family has kids 6 and under, including his own sister. He is the youngest cousin and the last to be married. We will probably wind up leaving the kids with my inlaws several hours away, but it's a shame because if we brought them they could see their cousins and my grandparents, who are 92 and don't get out much. But if we bring them we have to find sitters for multiple days for all the non-kid-friendly wedding events (late rehearsal dinner, wedding, brunch at non-kid-friendly restaurant, etc).

Obviously this is my own problem and I wouldn't say anything. Still, I am not the only one who wishes someone had told him to take this into consideration. It's why we scheduled our own wedding for 4 pm, because when I got married 10 years ago it was my cousins on the other side with young kids and we wanted to be sensitive to that. For us, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc are all about family. Well, except for this one cousin!

Not everyone wants a lame brunch wedding or a boring early evening wedding.

And they can have whatever they want. I quite enjoyed my boring early evening wedding in which no one got shitfaced and there was a fantastic klezmer band, lots of dancing kids, and the joyful union of two families. It's been 10 years and my parents still happily host my inlaws and my sister's inlaws for all holidays. And their dogs, too.

Just saying, against our family background, my cousin is the one being a bit of a douche. (Same cousin who was literally the only family member -- out of 60 people -- not to attend my grandfather's 90th birthday weekend. DH and I drove 2 days with a 3 year old and a 4 month old. Cousin's sister and her fiance flew in from CA. Cousin couldn't make it because he decided to attend a bachelor party instead. He's a nice guy but at 32 he still acts like college kid.)

Actually? You're the douche. Everyone can choose how they want to live their own damn life. You prioritize family--that's great; so do I. We have that in common. But--stay with me, now, I know this is hard for you to grasp--People Are Different From You. Some people just aren't that "into" family stuff. And yet, they're still full adults who still get to fully shape their own damn lives.

My brother's just not that into family stuff. As I am one of the very few people who respects and appreciates him anyway, and doesn't guilt-trip and hound and pester him all the time, I'm one of the very few family members he makes an effort with and stays connected with. I don't try to "figure him out" or make him conform to what I think adulthood looks like or should be. And as a result, I reap the benefits of the time and connections he is willing to make. When I see him, great! When I don't, fine, hope all is well.

Life for other people doesn't look like what you think it has to look life. I guess that's a lesson you didn't grasp as a "college kid," or beyond.

You just encapsulated why my relationship with my parents has been problematic. I am exactly like your brother. My parents have spent way too many years trying to pressure me to conform to what their idea of family should look like,and they’ve missed out on any kind of closer relationship as a result.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised more people aren’t pointing out the fact they some people don’t invite kids to weddings because of budget and space constraints.

DH and I got married in the DC area and finding a venue we could afford was tough. The one we did find had a max capacity that meant we had to be selective with our guest list. Inviting kids would have meant cutting our guest list.

With an unlimited budget, inviting kids would not have been a big deal. But we threw the wedding we could afford. Most of our friends were local and could get sitters so it wasn’t a huge deal. One family member brought a newborn, which was perfectly fine.

I have personally had to decline going to our it state weddings that are no-kids because we have no one to watch them. Of course I’m bummed to miss the celebration, but I don’t expect someone to plan their wedding around the fact that I have small kids. And similarly I don’t think brides and grooms should get upset if guests with kids have to decline the invite. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are not as adorable and cute as you think they are and not everyone wants them underfoot at a formal event. Like someone else said, if you want a family reunion, plan a family reunion and help foot the bill.

Bottom line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just RSVP no. I don’t understand the big deal. They get to make the rules for their event, you get to decide whether to go and follow them or stay home.

The last wedding we were invited to was DH’s out of state cousin and it was no kids for $$$ reasons. It was fine! We stayed home and sent a gift. No hard feelings on either side.

An out of state cousin is different from a sibling. You don’t think it would be a big deal if you didn’t go to your husbands sisters wedding because she didn’t invite your kids?
It would be a big deal in my family.

Depends if my sibling is in town where we have support or requires travel where there is no vetted babysitter to watch our special needs kid. If it was the latter, I’d go without souse and child. Again, I don’t see the big deal. My sister is across the country. If she has a no kids wedding, I’ll go and leave DH at home with DS.

And no one would say anything ever about how your DH wasn’t going to your sister’s wedding?

NP and so what if someone says something? Will you turn to dust? Burst into flames?

No. But it would be a lot of drama, and my mom would definitely feel caught in the middle.

I just don’t believe that people can decline the invite to a sibling’s wedding, and it’s just no big deal. It would probably be less of a big deal to just bring the uninvited kids. I am pretty sure no one would burst into flames then either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love kids at weddings. Had tons of kids at ours, love seeing them at others. (Actually, I hate weddings, so kids are the best part ...)

My cousin is getting married this summer in our hometown but he scheduled the wedding for late enough that my 2 and 5 year olds can't go. Well, the 5 year old might make it, but no way on the 2 year old. It's his prerogative and he can do what he wants, and he did not expressly say no kids, but I am not the only one a tad miffed. Literally everyone else in the family has kids 6 and under, including his own sister. He is the youngest cousin and the last to be married. We will probably wind up leaving the kids with my inlaws several hours away, but it's a shame because if we brought them they could see their cousins and my grandparents, who are 92 and don't get out much. But if we bring them we have to find sitters for multiple days for all the non-kid-friendly wedding events (late rehearsal dinner, wedding, brunch at non-kid-friendly restaurant, etc).

Obviously this is my own problem and I wouldn't say anything. Still, I am not the only one who wishes someone had told him to take this into consideration. It's why we scheduled our own wedding for 4 pm, because when I got married 10 years ago it was my cousins on the other side with young kids and we wanted to be sensitive to that. For us, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc are all about family. Well, except for this one cousin!

Not everyone wants a lame brunch wedding or a boring early evening wedding.

And they can have whatever they want. I quite enjoyed my boring early evening wedding in which no one got shitfaced and there was a fantastic klezmer band, lots of dancing kids, and the joyful union of two families. It's been 10 years and my parents still happily host my inlaws and my sister's inlaws for all holidays. And their dogs, too.

Just saying, against our family background, my cousin is the one being a bit of a douche. (Same cousin who was literally the only family member -- out of 60 people -- not to attend my grandfather's 90th birthday weekend. DH and I drove 2 days with a 3 year old and a 4 month old. Cousin's sister and her fiance flew in from CA. Cousin couldn't make it because he decided to attend a bachelor party instead. He's a nice guy but at 32 he still acts like college kid.)

You’re kidding, right? Now the couple has to schedule the wedding around your kids’ schedule? Give me a break!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t let your cousins kids come but not your friend’s kids. People will get upset that they shelled out for a babysitter but your second cousin got to bring her kids.

Yes you can. Our rule was if you travel out of state for our wedding, you can bring your kids. If you have a short drive to the wedding, you can get a baby sitter. Our local friends had baby sitters and 6 months advanced notice about the wedding. It wasn't that we were worried about their kids behavior or paying for the kids, it was a smaller venue and wanting to invite more of our friends. Our guest list was based on family first, including kids, and then friends.

We had a few friend were the babysitter fell out and there was a new born, we were fine with those kids attending. But adding an additional 20-30 bodies to the venue was not doable and it was easier to ask our local friends to find a baby sitter for their kids then choose not to invite the softball team because we can only invite half the team due to the number of kids.

Our friends got it, the family was traveling from California and Wisconsin. Our wedding was a family event as much as a wedding. Most of my cousins traveled solo and didn't bring their kids because travel is expensive and that was fine. Had they brought their kids, they would have been welcome. But most of our friends kids didn't come to the softball games or the like, they went to friends houses or did something else. Those same kids went to those same friends houses during our wedding.

It worked out well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just RSVP no. I don’t understand the big deal. They get to make the rules for their event, you get to decide whether to go and follow them or stay home.

The last wedding we were invited to was DH’s out of state cousin and it was no kids for $$$ reasons. It was fine! We stayed home and sent a gift. No hard feelings on either side.

An out of state cousin is different from a sibling. You don’t think it would be a big deal if you didn’t go to your husbands sisters wedding because she didn’t invite your kids?
It would be a big deal in my family.

Depends if my sibling is in town where we have support or requires travel where there is no vetted babysitter to watch our special needs kid. If it was the latter, I’d go without souse and child. Again, I don’t see the big deal. My sister is across the country. If she has a no kids wedding, I’ll go and leave DH at home with DS.

And no one would say anything ever about how your DH wasn’t going to your sister’s wedding?

NP and so what if someone says something? Will you turn to dust? Burst into flames?

No. But it would be a lot of drama, and my mom would definitely feel caught in the middle.

I just don’t believe that people can decline the invite to a sibling’s wedding, and it’s just no big deal. It would probably be less of a big deal to just bring the uninvited kids. I am pretty sure no one would burst into flames then either.

If it's your sibling's wedding, you do pretty much have to go unless you are medically unable to do so, or it's an insurmountable expense. But again YOU have to go, your spouse and/or children do not. And if anyone complains, you can say, "Are you offering to pay for their tickets and a babysitter?"

Part of life is feeling caught in the middle. And? So? You deal with it. You do your best, move on, and let them grumble.

[Anonymous]

OP, you still haven’t answered how you’re going to feel about wrangling 3 kids all weekend at a wedding while your husband and his parents are occupied with the wedding?

After reason the thread, this really strikes me as merely another “I hate my SIL” threads. You’re upset that she has the spotlight, and you and your kids don’t.

[Anonymous]

I like kids at weddings, but the only time I care if mine aren't invited is if (1) someone gets pissy that we can't attend or (2) someone gets pissy that only one of us attends. You invite who you want, you allow them to accept of decline graciously. Done.

[Anonymous]

To each their own. Sometimes it’s about price and numbers as well. Inviting all the cousins and their kids may of meant they wouldn’t have been able to invite other friends. My DH was recently a best man and our children weren’t invited, we were dissappointed but I understood. Couples without children also think about things differently. I wouldn’t let it get to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like kids at weddings, but the only time I care if mine aren't invited is if (1) someone gets pissy that we can't attend or (2) someone gets pissy that only one of us attends. You invite who you want, you allow them to accept of decline graciously. Done.

Exactly. An invitation is just that; an invitation. It is not a summons. Accept or decline, politely, in a timely manner. That's all that is required. You aren't even required to send a gift, though most people choose to, even if they cannot attend.

[Anonymous]

My SIL got married last year and had a no kids wedding. She lives out of state. I had a 4 month old and an almost 2 year old at the time. My husband went and I stayed home with the kids. I was not resentful because I like my SIL and understand that her wedding is not about me and my children, it's about her and her new husband. In fact, I was sad to miss it but happy for her! And... my SIL understood why I could not make it, and sent me pics of her getting ready and looking beautiful in her dress! Shocking, right?

Am I the only one who actually enjoys attending these kinds of events without kids? It's not really enjoyable to me when I have to chase my toddlers all over the place instead of having a few drinks and dancing the night away. We have a no-kids wedding coming up this summer, the kids will stay with my parents and we will enjoy a long weekend away as a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL got married last year and had a no kids wedding. She lives out of state. I had a 4 month old and an almost 2 year old at the time. My husband went and I stayed home with the kids. I was not resentful because I like my SIL and understand that her wedding is not about me and my children, it's about her and her new husband. In fact, I was sad to miss it but happy for her! And... my SIL understood why I could not make it, and sent me pics of her getting ready and looking beautiful in her dress! Shocking, right?

Am I the only one who actually enjoys attending these kinds of events without kids? It's not really enjoyable to me when I have to chase my toddlers all over the place instead of having a few drinks and dancing the night away. We have a no-kids wedding coming up this summer, the kids will stay with my parents and we will enjoy a long weekend away as a couple.

Agreed. My SIL got married 2 years ago and my MIL demanded that my baby and toddler attend. It was a disaster. I had the babysitter waiting in the lobby at 8pm and my MIL refused to let my kids go. She just wanted to show them off. They were crying and so tired. I wasn't going to start screaming when it's also a big day for MIL (her daughter's wedding) but I was SO pissed. I will never take my children to another wedding.

Also, are we all talking about the same ages? My cousins were in high school and of course invited to my wedding! It's the under 10 year olds that I don't think should be present. I don't believe alcohol and children mix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love kids at weddings. Had tons of kids at ours, love seeing them at others. (Actually, I hate weddings, so kids are the best part ...)

My cousin is getting married this summer in our hometown but he scheduled the wedding for late enough that my 2 and 5 year olds can't go. Well, the 5 year old might make it, but no way on the 2 year old. It's his prerogative and he can do what he wants, and he did not expressly say no kids, but I am not the only one a tad miffed. Literally everyone else in the family has kids 6 and under, including his own sister. He is the youngest cousin and the last to be married. We will probably wind up leaving the kids with my inlaws several hours away, but it's a shame because if we brought them they could see their cousins and my grandparents, who are 92 and don't get out much. But if we bring them we have to find sitters for multiple days for all the non-kid-friendly wedding events (late rehearsal dinner, wedding, brunch at non-kid-friendly restaurant, etc).

Obviously this is my own problem and I wouldn't say anything. Still, I am not the only one who wishes someone had told him to take this into consideration. It's why we scheduled our own wedding for 4 pm, because when I got married 10 years ago it was my cousins on the other side with young kids and we wanted to be sensitive to that. For us, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc are all about family. Well, except for this one cousin!

Not everyone wants a lame brunch wedding or a boring early evening wedding.

And they can have whatever they want. I quite enjoyed my boring early evening wedding in which no one got shitfaced and there was a fantastic klezmer band, lots of dancing kids, and the joyful union of two families. It's been 10 years and my parents still happily host my inlaws and my sister's inlaws for all holidays. And their dogs, too.

Just saying, against our family background, my cousin is the one being a bit of a douche. (Same cousin who was literally the only family member -- out of 60 people -- not to attend my grandfather's 90th birthday weekend. DH and I drove 2 days with a 3 year old and a 4 month old. Cousin's sister and her fiance flew in from CA. Cousin couldn't make it because he decided to attend a bachelor party instead. He's a nice guy but at 32 he still acts like college kid.)

Actually? You're the douche. Everyone can choose how they want to live their own damn life. You prioritize family--that's great; so do I. We have that in common. But--stay with me, now, I know this is hard for you to grasp--People Are Different From You. Some people just aren't that "into" family stuff. And yet, they're still full adults who still get to fully shape their own damn lives.

My brother's just not that into family stuff. As I am one of the very few people who respects and appreciates him anyway, and doesn't guilt-trip and hound and pester him all the time, I'm one of the very few family members he makes an effort with and stays connected with. I don't try to "figure him out" or make him conform to what I think adulthood looks like or should be. And as a result, I reap the benefits of the time and connections he is willing to make. When I see him, great! When I don't, fine, hope all is well.

Life for other people doesn't look like what you think it has to look life. I guess that's a lesson you didn't grasp as a "college kid," or beyond.

This x1000

I love how martyr PP feels the need to tell us she drove two days with little kids and this makes her somehow better than someone chooses not to.