Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Serious question (I'm not one of the people involved in the tetchy back-and-forths over the last several pages, I'm not trying to start something here): do you truly not believe that what a person spends their money on reflects their values? I don't think it's a smokescreen to say "you've spent $15M on an enormous house that you mostly don't use, and send your kids to public school; I don't understand your priorities." (And I say that as someone who truly values and boosts public schools.) It's not that OP is a bad person, and it's not that she's too rich, it's that there's something confusing and unsettling about her advertised priorities.

I have friends with much bigger houses than mine, and one set of friends with not only a much bigger/more expensive house than mine but also two amazing vacation homes, and I understand why they bought them. Location, functionality, travel, etc. I can't afford their lifestyle but it makes sense to me. If they threw that all over to buy one megamansion for the 5 of them I'd not understand what they were thinking or doing. Maybe it sounds moralistic to call that a difference in values but it mostly is a difference in values -- what do you value enough to spend most of your money on?

[Anonymous]

Well, we live in an 875 square foot apartment, so we don't host many play dates at all. OP, I'd offer to meet you and your kids at a playground!

[Anonymous]

I have super-rich friends. Think Tech and Hedge-fund multi-millionaires/billionaires. I am Indian, BTW.

The thing is that I knew these guys when they were in college with me and DH. They come to my house when they are in the area, we visit when we are in their city (and if they are in town). I am not poor, I am DC MC, with $350k HHI.

Associating with them has given me a good understanding of how my life is the same as theirs or how it has changed. Apart from the material things and the ease of getting things done because of money and connections, they have the same human concerns - relationships, health, kids. I focus on the similarities.

Would I have been friends with them if I had met them now? Absolutely, if we had met and they wanted to be friends. You met these moms through school or work or EC or something else, and so there is some commonality, no? I fail to see why your wealth would be a hindrance to them. If they have a problem even when you are being welcoming then do you really want to associate with them?

[Anonymous]

Where are 15000 square foot houses around here even located? Way out in some random exurb? That would be way more off putting to me than the actual size.

[Anonymous]

Wait, 15,000 square feet? That can’t be right. That’s like a castle. Right? I need a link to a 15K sq ft house.

[Anonymous]

OP, your house is not “too big” - it’s crassly oversized and wasteful. Of course it speaks volumes about your core beliefs and is going to put people off to being friends with you. You knew this in your old 8000 sq ft house that you said had people talking and you went ahead and bought a new house DOUBLE the size for literally no good reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, 15,000 square feet? That can’t be right. That’s like a castle. Right? I need a link to a 15K sq ft house.

There was one upthread. Here you go: http://mansionsandmore.blogspot.com/2012/04/another-lakefront-illinois-mansion-w.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Do you have a source for this fact? If not, speak for yourself!

Please read: previous posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your house is not “too big” - it’s crassly oversized and wasteful. Of course it speaks volumes about your core beliefs and is going to put people off to being friends with you. You knew this in your old 8000 sq ft house that you said had people talking and you went ahead and bought a new house DOUBLE the size for literally no good reason.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now I'm spending my lunch break searching redfin for 15000 sq feet and above homes. There are a surprisingly large number of them in the area.

Just did this too. Why do large houses need such ostentatious entryways/staircases? Most are so cheesy! But I'll take this one, please: https://www.redfin.com/VA/Great-Falls/8922-Jeffery-Rd-22066/home/17112572

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now I'm spending my lunch break searching redfin for 15000 sq feet and above homes. There are a surprisingly large number of them in the area.

Just did this too. Why do large houses need such ostentatious entryways/staircases? Most are so cheesy! But I'll take this one, please: https://www.redfin.com/VA/Great-Falls/8922-Jeffery-Rd-22066/home/17112572

I agree. I do like a lot about this one. At least it feels a *little* (?) warmer and cozier than some of the other ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Serious question (I'm not one of the people involved in the tetchy back-and-forths over the last several pages, I'm not trying to start something here): do you truly not believe that what a person spends their money on reflects their values? I don't think it's a smokescreen to say "you've spent $15M on an enormous house that you mostly don't use, and send your kids to public school; I don't understand your priorities." (And I say that as someone who truly values and boosts public schools.) It's not that OP is a bad person, and it's not that she's too rich, it's that there's something confusing and unsettling about her advertised priorities.

I have friends with much bigger houses than mine, and one set of friends with not only a much bigger/more expensive house than mine but also two amazing vacation homes, and I understand why they bought them. Location, functionality, travel, etc. I can't afford their lifestyle but it makes sense to me. If they threw that all over to buy one megamansion for the 5 of them I'd not understand what they were thinking or doing. Maybe it sounds moralistic to call that a difference in values but it mostly is a difference in values -- what do you value enough to spend most of your money on?

And I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad “value” to send your children to public school, where your children will be exposed to different cultures, economic levels, people, learning styles, etc.

So let’s talk values. Is it about your children learning to live in the real world, dealing with people, or the size of a home?

I imagine OPs children are more grounded than most of the private school kids, whose parents are sacrificing everything else for extracurricular and for “an education”.:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is your house comfortable to hang out in? Would I feel okay putting my toddler down the moment we walked in the front door, or would I feel the need to pick him up at the door until we'd walked through the "formal" part of the house to the "play" part of the house? While I would have no problem being "grown-up" friends independent of my kids with someone whose house was that kind of showpiece, I probably wouldn't end up becoming "mom" friends, where a big part of our friend centers around getting our kids together for play dates, with someone who lived in that kind of house because I don't know that I'd ever feel truly comfortable having my kid in the space for fear of damaging something.

What on earth would a toddler "damage"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Serious question (I'm not one of the people involved in the tetchy back-and-forths over the last several pages, I'm not trying to start something here): do you truly not believe that what a person spends their money on reflects their values? I don't think it's a smokescreen to say "you've spent $15M on an enormous house that you mostly don't use, and send your kids to public school; I don't understand your priorities." (And I say that as someone who truly values and boosts public schools.) It's not that OP is a bad person, and it's not that she's too rich, it's that there's something confusing and unsettling about her advertised priorities.

I have friends with much bigger houses than mine, and one set of friends with not only a much bigger/more expensive house than mine but also two amazing vacation homes, and I understand why they bought them. Location, functionality, travel, etc. I can't afford their lifestyle but it makes sense to me. If they threw that all over to buy one megamansion for the 5 of them I'd not understand what they were thinking or doing. Maybe it sounds moralistic to call that a difference in values but it mostly is a difference in values -- what do you value enough to spend most of your money on?

And I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad “value” to send your children to public school, where your children will be exposed to different cultures, economic levels, people, learning styles, etc.

So let’s talk values. Is it about your children learning to live in the real world, dealing with people, or the size of a home?

I imagine OPs children are more grounded than most of the private school kids, whose parents are sacrificing everything else for extracurricular and for “an education”.:

Neither do I and I never said I did. In fact I said I'm a booster for public education; my mother, sister-in-law, and many cousins are public school teachers. It is one of my values. Many PP's have said that environmental stewardship is one of their values and that's why building/maintaining/heating/cooling 8-10K unused square feet is contrary to their values. So my question remains: why are you insisting that this is not an issue of values, but rather cloaked jealousy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people are going to claim all kinds of things like “values”.

The crux of it is, yes, yiu have more than they do, and they don’t like that. Most people want someone they can compete with, usually mostly so they can feel better about their own choices and “position” in life.

Serious question (I'm not one of the people involved in the tetchy back-and-forths over the last several pages, I'm not trying to start something here): do you truly not believe that what a person spends their money on reflects their values? I don't think it's a smokescreen to say "you've spent $15M on an enormous house that you mostly don't use, and send your kids to public school; I don't understand your priorities." (And I say that as someone who truly values and boosts public schools.) It's not that OP is a bad person, and it's not that she's too rich, it's that there's something confusing and unsettling about her advertised priorities.

I have friends with much bigger houses than mine, and one set of friends with not only a much bigger/more expensive house than mine but also two amazing vacation homes, and I understand why they bought them. Location, functionality, travel, etc. I can't afford their lifestyle but it makes sense to me. If they threw that all over to buy one megamansion for the 5 of them I'd not understand what they were thinking or doing. Maybe it sounds moralistic to call that a difference in values but it mostly is a difference in values -- what do you value enough to spend most of your money on?

And I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad “value” to send your children to public school, where your children will be exposed to different cultures, economic levels, people, learning styles, etc.

So let’s talk values. Is it about your children learning to live in the real world, dealing with people, or the size of a home?

I imagine OPs children are more grounded than most of the private school kids, whose parents are sacrificing everything else for extracurricular and for “an education”.:

+1

Nailed it.

:mic drop: