Reply to my wife's thin skin

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP.  Your issues large stem from conversational differences that set you guys up behind the eight ball before you even start a discussion.  You have different ways of communicating and you have to learn to compromise and speak in ways that will make your partner more receptive to what you have to say. [/quote]

I hope you are right. That is, I hope the problems arise from conversational differences. If so, I think we can solve our problems.

I wonder, though, if for some issues my wife simply can't reason her way through. She sometimes leaps from A to Z, and I'm unable to trace the thought process that falls in the middle. When I ask "can you explain why you feel that way?" she is sometimes unable. She can't explain how or why she reached her own conclusions. There have been odd lapses in judgment now and then which suggests that no real thinking is taking place ... kind of like a teenager who doesn't look before they leap. This makes me nervous, because when a parent is responsible for a child's life, the parent MUST look before they leap.
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For everyone wondering why people are calling OP hypercritical or saying the advice would be different if it were a woman asking: here he gets concrete advice about communications strategies and pivots directly to "but what if she's simply too stupid and immature to communicate with?"

What a patient, long-suffering husband!   :roll:   [/quote]

No, that isn't what I wrote. It isn't a question of intelligence. Had I questioned my wife's intelligence, I would have mentioned that in my original post.   [/quote]

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Saying someone "can't reason" is calling them unintelligent.  But color me shocked that you're trying to argue and prove you're right and didn't say anything awful about your wife, when the truth is there in black and white.  Tell us more about how she's crazy to not want to discuss things with you!  [/quote]

Again, that isn't what I wrote.

A person might experience road rage, and they aren't reasoning during that momentary lapse of judgment. Because if they were to reason their way through it, they would quickly realize that they are taking an insane gamble without any chance of a positive outcome.

An alcoholic might not reason when they reach for the bottle.

An angry employee might not reason in the moment that they yell at their co-worker or their boss.

There individuals could be highly intelligent despite the fact they acted stupidly or without thinking.
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My wife is intelligent. I wouldn't have married her otherwise.

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I'm the PP who said you have communication issues.  Remember what I said?  Communication is half sending the right message and half receiving the right message.  The way you are communicating here means that you are more concerned with what you are conveying and not particularly concerned with the message that the audience is receiving.  While you can argue what you intended, the message that was received.  It also seems to me that you are questioning your wife's intelligence because you say:  
[quote][u]I wonder[/u], though, [u]if[/u] for some issues [u]my wife simply can't reason her way through[/u].
She sometimes leaps from A to Z, and[u] I'm unable to trace the thought process that falls in the middle. When I ask "can you explain why you feel that way?" she is sometimes unable[/u]. 
[u]She can't explain how or why she reached her own conclusions[/u]. 
[u]There have been odd lapses in judgment[/u] now and then [u]which suggests that no real thinking is taking place[/u] ... kind of like a teenager who doesn't look before they leap. 
[u]This makes me nervous, because when a parent is responsible for a child's life, the parent MUST look before they leap[/u].[/quote]

All of the underlined sounds like you are questioning your wife's intelligence.  Even if you take it graciously, it's still very condescending.  You are clearly setting up a two-tier structure where you are the responsible and intelligent parent and your wife is an irresponsible parent.  If you have this attitude IRL, it's no wonder your wife is exasperated at your communication.  If this is not your intent, you need to very seriously change your communication because your words are very condescending and dismissive.  You consider her unsafe.  You are labeling her irresponsible.  And you are not allowing her to parent her way.  You can justify your actions all you want, but you are not trying to co-parent, you are trying to dictate.  You need to find different ways to communicate and address your parenting and partnership disparities because you are definitely not being an equal or fair partner, based on your words in this thread.  And your wife perceives this and it frustrated by you.[/quote]

(applauds)[/quote]

I do appreciate the advice you have given me. The reason I keep trying to further explain my situation is because when you go to the doctor with a migraine, but get treated for poison ivy, you walk away without a cure. And I want a cure.

One of the posters offered me some suggestions for how I should have raised the driving issue with my wife. Well, those suggestions basically mirrored the actual conversations I had with my wife. So the medicine you are prescribing was used from the outset.

Perhaps the most logical explanation is that cultural differences are leading to the problems, as some posters have suggested.  I am not a stranger to my wife's country -- I've both lived and worked there -- but I'm not an expert and can't pretend I have a deep understanding of the culture. I'll make an effort to learn more.

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