Would you be upset if your kid was served mocktails & got a makeover at a party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the op. I talked with the party hosting mom more today while the girls were at dance class. I assured her the face I made wasn’t in anger at her but more shock and disappointment at my DD re: the pink hair because she knows my feelings on unnatural colors. She’s asked to have fun colored hair in the past and I’ve said no. Knowing it is something we don’t allow and then doing it at a party is deceitful. I get it, it’s something small that I shouldn’t be strict about, but that’s just my preference. I’m actually not strict in other ways just like others pointed out about being okay with dance’s skimpy costumes and heavy makeup.

I don’t like the fun colored hair. I don’t think it looks cute on kids. I don’t think it looks cute or interesting on adults. I work in a job where tats have to be covered (I actually have 3), hair can’t be an unnatural color, and gaged ears have to have the flesh colored plugs put in so there’s no hole. However, I don’t see someone with it and think they are an idiot, loser, or criminal, just an FYI. I get that everyone has their own preferences and can do what they want with their bodies.

I did tell the mom I was upset with the mocktails. I told her why and about the history of alcoholism in my family. She said she understood why that could upset me. She asked if she’d put all the details on the invite if my DD could have still attended and I said yes, but we would have talked beforehand. She said she respected that. She didn’t feel like all details needed to be on there because part was a surprise for her DD (aunt & friends coming to do hair/makeup/nails) and because she feels they are at the age now where it’s not needed by the parents. It was a good conversation. I told her I understood from an outsider that the party was a big hit and seemed fun for them. She has older kids and told me to get prepared for all the things to come that will happen that I’ll be in the dark about and will find out about after the fact. I think that’s a big part of it since DD is my oldest. I have no experience here. I’m just used to the little kid ways of knowing what’s planned for parties and such. I know that’s on me to work on and change.

For those suggesting therapy, ha yes, been in that for yeaaaars. As I said, long history of alcoholim on my side of the family. Will add this to the list to work on. Thanks for responses and insight.

Aw, OP.

It is hard when they grow up.

Remember, she was not deceitful.

Deceitful would have been doing it, then washing her hair at the host's house in the morning so you did not find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So typical American, this is why you have binge drinking and alcohol issues.

Teach your kids to understand social drinking and not make such a big deal out of it (I mean serious OP, can you mention alcoholism 1 more time? )

Oh please.

Europeans have far worse alcohol issues than Americans. Don't be foolish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I’m inadvertently preparing my kids (13 and 10) to be future alcoholics or underage drinkers because kiddie cocktails and virgin pina coladas/margaritas are easily their favorite things to order at restaurants and we’ve never stopped them. It never even crossed my mind, really. Do I need to start researching AA meetings right now?

Research shows the opposite, you are demystifying alcohol and teaching them to understand socialization vs hiding and binging.

It’s 2018 and people still believe this? Oh, dear.

I think we found the Bethesda party mom.

[Anonymous]

You made this party far more about you than you did about your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mocktails for 13 year olds? Well at least you know which house will have the teen alcohol party in a couple of years.

There are some uptight people on this board. I would have mocktails for a 13 year old, but I guarantee you I would never in a million years support alcohol at a party. If I were the other parent and I stumbled on this thread, OP's child would not be invited to the next party. OP would also serve as the example of why I'm a reasonable parent who should be listened to when I set rules because I don't set ridiculous rules.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

As I dad, I'm wondering where the father is in all this. Is he in the picture and, if he is, what were his thoughts? If my wife was this controlling of things like our teenage child's (removable) hair color for what seem like entirely arbitrary reasons, we would have a serious parenting conversation.

[Anonymous]

It is good you are in therapy, OP.

[Anonymous]

I’m with you on the mocktails, OP. I’d be unhappy with that. The hair thing, not so much of a big deal at her age, though I’m not a big fan of the spa party thing, unless it’s self-initiated and directed by the kids.

[Anonymous]

Wow. It’s one thing for you to feel this way (I don’t agree, but whatever - to each their own). But to be the kiss of death for your daughter’s social life over it? I’d think long and hard about your behavior in the future and whether obsessing over these minute things is worth it. PPs correctly identified that no one is going to want to deal with you OR your daughter.

[Anonymous]

I think letting kids experiment with fun hair is normal and totally innocent. Personally, the two people I know in my life with fun hair do it now as adults because they had parents who were very restrictive about their appearance. One came from a Navy family where the dad even had rules about the kids not being allowed to wear t-shirts! They had to dress like little businessmen each day they went to school in polos or button-downs.

I don't ever getting a party invite where every detail was spelled out. That's a bit odd of a request, IMO.

What's hard about having an addiction in your family (because that's what alcoholism is) is that you don't know when or how it's going to manifest. My grandpa was a recovered alcoholic. My grandma forbid alcohol in her house at all once he was sober. This, of course, made my dad and his siblings all very curious about it. They started drinking as young teens. None of them became alcoholics, but my uncle's addiction did manifest in the form of a drug addiction. He eventually got sober and none of his kids have any addictions. However, my brother is an alcoholic and 3 of my cousins from my dad's other siblings all have addictions of some sort.

You can be as careful and cautious as you want regarding alcohol, but that addiction still may manifest in another way. My one cousin didn't realize that her obesity was the product of our addictive genes until she started therapy.

Personally, mocktails can be seen as a good way to show kids that they can appear to be drinking without really drinking. My career is one that's still very focused on making deals over drinks at happy hour. I don't drink but learned that I get more respect as a businesswoman if I order a mocktail vs a glass of water/tea/soda. Club soda w/ a lime wedge is my usual drink, but sometimes I'll go to the bar and order just water in a martini glass with olives. Trust me, the bartenders do not even bat an eye at these requests. They've heard it all.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a fun party.

- a mom who let her 11y son dye his hair blue (and not with temporary dye.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Learning that you can have fun drinking "mocktails" isn't a terrible thing, either.

Everyone is saying fake drinks; these are real drinks. What I would get at any party I go to. This is what I would want my dd to take from this. If everyone is ordering something you don’t like, there are other choices. My 8yo dd gets “fake” coffee (decaf fraps) from Starbucks about once a month during the summer. Is that glamorizing coffee?

The professionals are a great touch. Probably better than The kids making a mess of the makeup and polish.

My only issue is not that as an African American, the hair washing would have been a big deal for us.... takes both of us a few hours to wash, detangle, and and flat iron, that we PLAN and dd can’t just wash he hair on a whim every day. I would have been annoyed but sinc dd would have had fun, been able to fit in and not point out her differences (or her moms stuffiness) it would have been fine. And I would not have made the host uncomfortable or would have apologized if I thought I had.

Oh yeah. I didn't know this when I was spraying hair with color at charity event. One of the moms said her daughter couldn't get the color because they wouldn't have time to wash it out and explained this to me, thankfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I dad, I'm wondering where the father is in all this. Is he in the picture and, if he is, what were his thoughts? If my wife was this controlling of things like our teenage child's (removable) hair color for what seem like entirely arbitrary reasons, we would have a serious parenting conversation.

Maybe he doesn't dare say anything. Or if he does, OP ignores him and goes on her rants anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay okay if DCUM says I’m making too big a deal then I must be.

DD is a dancer so she understands makeup is for special ocassions like recitals and competitions. She’s really been pushing to wear more when she’s 13 like her friends but I’ve been holding firm on only a bit of concealer for a bad blemish and some mascara.

The hair dye was shocking and I’m not a fan of unnatural colors. She knows this too because she and her brothers wanted to dye their hair for the Capitals parade and I vetoed that.

I have to plan a 13th bday for the end of August and the ideas DD is throwing out already after this party are just crazy. Thirteenth bdays weren’t a big thing when I was growing up, just sweet 16. Now it’s a big bash for 13, 16, and 18! Or at least it seems to be for the girls. Thank goodness the 2 coming up after her are boys.

This was a special occassion. While I would not have called the drinks mocktails(b'day smoothies would be my title). I would just talk to her about responsible alcohol consumption and move on.