Would you be upset if your kid was served mocktails & got a makeover at a party?

[Anonymous]

^^PP again. Thank your lucky stars that your DD is talking to you about everything that happened at this party. Keep up your controlling judgment, and that will not last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The “if you let them drink as teens they’ll learn moderation” myth is just that. A myth. And is not supported by research. In fact, the research shows that it may actually lead to more problems with alcohol down the road.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/04/110428065615.htm
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1381379/Letting-children-drink-home-makes-teens-likely-develop-alcohol-problems.html
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4108600/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3103453/

If you have evidence that shows the opposite, I’m always happy to review new information. Please share peer review journals sharing to the contrary.

Providing kids with alcohol is not the same as providing them with non-alcoholic drinks!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is baffling. My mom was a control freak when I was growing up...and to this day, she basically thinks alcohol is the devil. She visibly tenses when any of my siblings orders alcohol...and I'm 40!

Nonetheless, she would have been fine with all of this. I actually see the mocktails as exactly the opposite. Instead of glamorizing drinking alcohol, it demonstrates that you can have fun and enjoy drinks without alcohol! Because it's about the fun mix of the juice flavors and the bright colors, nice glasses. Why should only alcohol drinkers get nice glasses...that's so weird! My kids drink milk out of twisty straws and bright colored cups. Yeah, these are all things aimed at kids, but the point is that fun cups and straws are fun! You don't want your kids thinking that the only way they can have fun beverages is by drinking alcohol...what an odd lesson to teach.

Or is this secretly a DCUM anti-juice thing?

I get the vibes that this is a feminist issue for some people (including OP). Y’know, the line of thinking that anything traditionally girly is b a d, that a 13 year old who shows interest in makeup or hair is less worthy than a 13 year old who likes sci fi, or that a woman who cares about her appearance/hair/makeup is somehow less able to be a powerful badass than a woman who wears Tevas and only wears Chapstick.

[Anonymous]

Wow. My daughter is 9 and I myself bought the wash put L'Oréal color hair spray for her yesterday at Target and totally let her order virgin drinks on vacation at restaurants. Chill TF out! This sounds like a very fun 13 yo party. Your Chuck e Cheese days are over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the op. I talked with the party hosting mom more today while the girls were at dance class. I assured her the face I made wasn’t in anger at her but more shock and disappointment at my DD re: the pink hair because she knows my feelings on unnatural colors. She’s asked to have fun colored hair in the past and I’ve said no. Knowing it is something we don’t allow and then doing it at a party is deceitful. I get it, it’s something small that I shouldn’t be strict about, but that’s just my preference. I’m actually not strict in other ways just like others pointed out about being okay with dance’s skimpy costumes and heavy makeup.

I don’t like the fun colored hair. I don’t think it looks cute on kids. I don’t think it looks cute or interesting on adults. I work in a job where tats have to be covered (I actually have 3), hair can’t be an unnatural color, and gaged ears have to have the flesh colored plugs put in so there’s no hole. However, I don’t see someone with it and think they are an idiot, loser, or criminal, just an FYI. I get that everyone has their own preferences and can do what they want with their bodies.

I did tell the mom I was upset with the mocktails. I told her why and about the history of alcoholism in my family. She said she understood why that could upset me. She asked if she’d put all the details on the invite if my DD could have still attended and I said yes, but we would have talked beforehand. She said she respected that. She didn’t feel like all details needed to be on there because part was a surprise for her DD (aunt & friends coming to do hair/makeup/nails) and because she feels they are at the age now where it’s not needed by the parents. It was a good conversation. I told her I understood from an outsider that the party was a big hit and seemed fun for them. She has older kids and told me to get prepared for all the things to come that will happen that I’ll be in the dark about and will find out about after the fact. I think that’s a big part of it since DD is my oldest. I have no experience here. I’m just used to the little kid ways of knowing what’s planned for parties and such. I know that’s on me to work on and change.

For those suggesting therapy, ha yes, been in that for yeaaaars. As I said, long history of alcoholim on my side of the family. Will add this to the list to work on. Thanks for responses and insight.

I'm sure you're a nice person OP but I would be exhausted if I were the other mother. I simply don't have the time or energy to do so much emotional work with you. I would discourage my DD from hanging out with your DD because of that.

+1. OP, your issues are bleeding all over the place and if I was the other Mom, I would try not to put myself in your path again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I’m inadvertently preparing my kids (13 and 10) to be future alcoholics or underage drinkers because kiddie cocktails and virgin pina coladas/margaritas are easily their favorite things to order at restaurants and we’ve never stopped them. It never even crossed my mind, really. Do I need to start researching AA meetings right now?

Research shows the opposite, you are demystifying alcohol and teaching them to understand socialization vs hiding and binging.

It’s 2018 and people still believe this? Oh, dear.

You are confusing belief with research. But, I’m always happy to review new information. Please share peer reviewed journals sharing to the contrary.

The “if you let them drink as teens they’ll learn moderation” myth is just that. A myth. And is not supported by research. In fact, the research shows that it may actually lead to more problems with alcohol down the road.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/04/110428065615.htm
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1381379/Letting-children-drink-home-makes-teens-likely-develop-alcohol-problems.html
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4108600/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3103453/

If you have evidence that shows the opposite, I’m always happy to review new information. Please share peer review journals sharing to the contrary.

DP. But this isn't "if you let them drink alcohol, as teens, they'll learn moderation". This is "if you let them drink things that are not alcohol out of glasses that look like the glasses people drink alcohol out of, as teens, they'll learn moderation". Is there any research on that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is baffling. My mom was a control freak when I was growing up...and to this day, she basically thinks alcohol is the devil. She visibly tenses when any of my siblings orders alcohol...and I'm 40!

Nonetheless, she would have been fine with all of this. I actually see the mocktails as exactly the opposite. Instead of glamorizing drinking alcohol, it demonstrates that you can have fun and enjoy drinks without alcohol! Because it's about the fun mix of the juice flavors and the bright colors, nice glasses. Why should only alcohol drinkers get nice glasses...that's so weird! My kids drink milk out of twisty straws and bright colored cups. Yeah, these are all things aimed at kids, but the point is that fun cups and straws are fun! You don't want your kids thinking that the only way they can have fun beverages is by drinking alcohol...what an odd lesson to teach.

Or is this secretly a DCUM anti-juice thing?

I get the vibes that this is a feminist issue for some people (including OP). Y’know, the line of thinking that anything traditionally girly is b a d, that a 13 year old who shows interest in makeup or hair is less worthy than a 13 year old who likes sci fi, or that a woman who cares about her appearance/hair/makeup is somehow less able to be a powerful badass than a woman who wears Tevas and only wears Chapstick.

What feminist is ok with dance culture but against mocktails?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make up and temporary hair dye? No biggie.

Mocktails at a 13 year old's party? Were they mixed in shakers and served in cocktail glasses? That would definitely bother me. Frozen virgin pina coladas or strawberry daiquiris served in a plastic cup with a fun straw similar to a starbucks frappachino or a smoothie at a restaurant? Not a big deal.

I am generally conservative but am fine with adult drinking, host parties with alcohol and am not anti fun drinks for kids.

Virgin frozen margaritas and pina coladas and a drink the bday girl created. All were frozen and served in plastic glasses (like plastic margarita and plastic colada glasses).

I think the mocktails are really what angered me most. I just see it as glamorizing drinking which I don’t believe in. There’s alcoholism on my side of the family so we’ve always discussed alcohol with them and the seriousness of it. Most of this evening was spent talking about drinking and alcohol because she’s just absolutely enthralled with the mocktails.

There is alcoholism in my family, but I still allow my kids (including my 8 year old) to have virgin pina coladas on vacation. It's a tasty drink and they love getting the cherry garnish. If you are overly restrictive, you will make your kids want the forbidden. Just explain the mocktails are fine, but some people are more prone to alcoholism than others and your family has a history of alcoholism. I grew up seeing over the top alcoholism, but my mom always allowed us virgin frozen drinks on vacation and it actually made it easier for me in college to get away from the pressures about drinking. When my friends ordered an alcoholic beverage, I'd order a virgin drink. They just got used to the fact that those were my drinks. I still stay away from alcoholic beverages because I know my family history and want no part of that, but I think it helped that my mom didn't go over the top and restrict even virgin drinks.

[Anonymous]

You have GOT to be kidding me?! You completely made things worse for your DD! She will never forget the humiliation of your 'talk' with the other mom. As PP noted, you read how strong the agreement on DCUM was and you still couldn't stop yourself from oversharing with the other mom! I have no doubt she believes you've got some serious issues and have no idea the road you have ahead of you.

I can't believe your attitude on the hair color. It SO not about you and your preferences on what looks 'cute'. So what if YOU can't have 'unnatural' hair colors at work!? So what if YOU can't have visible tats or plugs?! It's temporary hair color and they're teenagers! Thereisn't anything they can do to their hair that won't be grown out by the time they hit high school or fixed by a stylist - unless, of course, your DD has to wear a bun while dancing in her skimpy costumes and harlot-worthy make up. What if a dance routine 'required' her to have pink hair? Would you refuse and, thereby, jeopardize her spot in the troupe?

I hope you're talking to your therapist about why you're so controlling and the felt compelled to talk to the other mom about this. This is NOT about a family history of alcoholism. 'Alcohol' itself is usually not the cause of alcoholism, it's untreated mental health issues. From what you posted about yourself, your family history and your reaction to this party, you should be educating your DD on the dangers of untreated mental health issues rather than the dangers 'unnatural' pink hair and mocktails in fancy glasses.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would cross your kid’s name off of every invite list going forward. Nobody has time to support you in all your preferences. And I would tell my kid why. “Can I invite Karen to sleepover on Sat.?” “No, her mom is too much work for me to deal with. I don’t want to worry all week that if she has a coke at our house that her mom will come talk to me for an hour about the virgin rum and coke served with pizza on Sat. She is going to be one of those friends you see at school.”

And I don’t like the “fun” hair color trend either. I thank my lucky stars that our boring school sells out hair color requirements in the handbook. And yet I have managed to make it through hair chalk and colored hair spray. In fact, I helped my daughter with her hair when her Halloween costume was “xyz school student violating dress code.” It was hilarious.

[Anonymous]

She does dance competitions and you are upset about this? Are you a "dance mom"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She does dance competitions and you are upset about this? Are you a "dance mom"?

The parents of girls who do dance competitions get to object to stuff too, just like anyone else.

-a person whose daughters do not do dance competitions and who would not have been upset about this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I grew up in a Muslim (totally zero alcohol) home and community.

We'd drink sparkling apple cider in plastic champagne glasses, as kids. It was fine. It was just a fun thing to do, and it wasn't really glamorizing alcohol.

I have plastic champagne glasses with sparkling cider for my kids and their friends on New Year's Eve. I've never thought that it would offend other parents. I just thought because the adults were having "fancy" glasses, I should get some for the kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think it is all perspective.

Like I said, I view margaritas as a "party" drink, of the clicking glasses, dance on the table, tequila drunk type of drink. So my kid telling me they celebrated with fake margaritas would bother me. Martini glasses are kind of the same thing. Kids frozen virgin drinks get served in all kinds of fun glasses, but the only thing ever served in martini glasses are alcohol martinis. It is a perception thing to me. I would get bothered by rootbeer served in a beer bong, but not inna frosted mug or glass bottle. The beer bong sends a clear message, where rootbeer in a mug does not send any message.

That said, I would be bothered by those two things (margaritas and certain glasses/presentations) but would not make a big deal of it.

And as I said in my original post, I am not anti alcohol, serve alcohol in my home, and host fun parties with themed drinks. I also have no issues with my kids getting virgin drinks in restaurants or having fun mixed juice/soda water drinks at home in fancy glasses like hurricanes.

SMH. You think of margaritas and dancing on the table. Me, whenever I smell Fanta Orange or Sunkist, I think of sloe gin and getting trashed as a high school student while visiting Ball State University. That doesn't mean I get my knickers in a knot when my kids want orange flavored drinks.

I'm also SMH that you are equating a beer bong with a martini glass. Seriously? Do you also avoid talking about sex and drugs with your kids? How do you feel about kids eating bananas?

Nah, I am fairly open and candid with my kids about all sorts of things. We also drink, so obviously that is not an issue.

OP asked a hypothetical question and I gave a candid answer on what my impression would be.

You seem strangely offended and sensitive by the idea of someone saying they would not be comfortable with the idea of any parts of the mocktails. It makes it seem like you are the kind of person who would be hosting the drinking parties at your home in a year or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make up and temporary hair dye? No biggie.

Mocktails at a 13 year old's party? Were they mixed in shakers and served in cocktail glasses? That would definitely bother me. Frozen virgin pina coladas or strawberry daiquiris served in a plastic cup with a fun straw similar to a starbucks frappachino or a smoothie at a restaurant? Not a big deal.

I am generally conservative but am fine with adult drinking, host parties with alcohol and am not anti fun drinks for kids.

Virgin frozen margaritas and pina coladas and a drink the bday girl created. All were frozen and served in plastic glasses (like plastic margarita and plastic colada glasses).

I think the mocktails are really what angered me most. I just see it as glamorizing drinking which I don’t believe in. There’s alcoholism on my side of the family so we’ve always discussed alcohol with them and the seriousness of it. Most of this evening was spent talking about drinking and alcohol because she’s just absolutely enthralled with the mocktails.

You have a major stick up your ass. Whenever we go on vacation my kids love the virgin dacqueries.