Rising High School Senior just decided to extend his trip...

[Anonymous]

The kid texted his parents that he was going to stay a few extra days and some of you posters are running around with your hair on fire screaming about entitlement, rudeness and disrespect. You guys are wound was too tight to parent a teenager!!!

The kid is up for merit and need based scholarships to college, worked all summer to pay for his trip while acing a college class, is president of his class and has worked tutoring since he was 14. I guarantee none of you hair-on-fire posters have a kid even close to this hardworking or accomplished.

He is staying in Sweden for five or six more days. He has murdered no one.

Breathe, Posters!

[Anonymous]

She is probably pregnant by now

Learned from the duck crowd. Find the good ones early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It'll be a L-O-N-G year if this kid thinks that he can come and go as he pleases, stay gone overnight and even for days w/o at least telling his parents where he is going to be.

+1. The people saying "let it go" are social misfits. Whether you're 18 or 180, if you aren't communicating your plans with people you live with, you're not going to have a good relationship with them.

I had roommates from age 19-26, and I don't understand your point. He did communicate his plans. He sent a text saying where he was (in Sweden for longer) and when he would be back. That's what "people you live with" generally expect -- a notification if you won't be home when expected, so they don't worry.

It's not about communication, it's about the fact that he didn't seek permission from his parents.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all of the responses, but I am definitely cracking up at all the people who are insisting that a 18 year old who is living at home is an adult. This "adult" presumably isn't paying for his housing, groceries, electricity, water, health insurance and so forth. Paying for his trip means he paid for his trip, it doesn't make him a call-all-the-shots, bonafide adult. Give me a break.

THAT SAID, he sounds like a fabulous kid. If everyone were respectful in this situation, he would have asked beforehand, and OP would have allowed it.

I think OPs son probably knows his mom is a pain in the ass, so he did this ahead of time ("oh, sorry mom! Can't change it now!") and he ignores her calls, which is also rude and unacceptable, but he probably does it because mom isn't just doing a five minute checkin here and there, she's probably helicoptering like an assh*le. If he's a very good kid, he's probably avoiding her for a good reason, although that doesn't make his behavior right either.

You should work on transitioning your relationship to a more adult one between you and him over the course of the upcoming year. If I were you, I'd lay down the law about the bullshit he pulled, which is that he unilaterally extended his trip and pretends to be unavailable. He might be willing to put up with your hovering now, but your relationship with him might take a turn for the worse when a prospective DIL arrives on the scene - and I say that as a mom of a boy myself! My mother in law really failed to transition her relationship with my DH into a more adult one, and when it came time to set boundaries, she was the one he pushed away, not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It'll be a L-O-N-G year if this kid thinks that he can come and go as he pleases, stay gone overnight and even for days w/o at least telling his parents where he is going to be.

+1. The people saying "let it go" are social misfits. Whether you're 18 or 180, if you aren't communicating your plans with people you live with, you're not going to have a good relationship with them.

I had roommates from age 19-26, and I don't understand your point. He did communicate his plans. He sent a text saying where he was (in Sweden for longer) and when he would be back. That's what "people you live with" generally expect -- a notification if you won't be home when expected, so they don't worry.

It's not about communication, it's about the fact that he didn't seek permission from his parents.

He made a change in plans that he knew his parents would be opposed to, he didn't communicate said change in plans until after he'd made it, and he also waited until he'd be unavailable for feedback regarding his decisions. That's all about communication--deceptive and cowardly communication. This would be your roommate "communicating" that he'd decided to rent your room out while you were seeing your parents overseas over the summer, and waiting until you were safely on the plane before texting you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS, 18 as of the end of last month, has been in Sweden with his girlfriend and her extended family for the last ten days. His plane ticket, which he did pay for himself, had him returning next week (a two week trip). Just now, he informed us that he changed it and he and the girlfriend won't be coming back until the evening before the first day of school (we aren't in DC) which is adding another six days to his trip.

I am angry on so many levels! He should not have made this decision without asking our permission and I have no clue where he and the girlfriend are going to be for that extra five days and who - if anyone - will be with them. I am angry at myself for letting him go in the first place. I am angry that he is starting his senior year with jet-lag. I am just angry.

Am I overreacting? DH is furious, too, so I cannot bounce this off him. TIA

Your boy is probably in her bed right now. Lucky boy. Takes after his dad!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


You said a whole lot of nothing.
It has nothing to do with asserting independence and everything to do with bad manners and basic courtesy. I don't care how many scholarships, teams, clubs or what grades your kids have if they get to 18 and show the complete rudeness Op's son has you have failed.

^^^has no experience raising teens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


You said a whole lot of nothing.
It has nothing to do with asserting independence and everything to do with bad manners and basic courtesy. I don't care how many scholarships, teams, clubs or what grades your kids have if they get to 18 and show the complete rudeness Op's son has you have failed.

^^^has no experience raising teens

It's sad that you think raising teens means let them do whatever they want as long as they're going to college. Things like manners and respect matter to some people it's sad you haven't bothered to teach your teens that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This kid needs to get handed some adult responsibilities when he decides to come back to Mommy and Daddy.

Consequences of his "adult" choices are in order, OP. Carefully discuss the possibilities with your husband. Then maybe the first weekend after your son is home, have a sit down him to see what he thinks he can manage.

Don't get into it until then. Just let him know you're glad he had a nice time and he's home safely.

He should be doing those things anyway, so I wouldn't call them consequences.

They should sit him down and have a conversation with starting with " I'm glad you are safe and had a good time. How did you think this made us feel when you did...., did you consider...."

Iy may have been intentional, and he might be a really good kid, but what he did was rude, wrong and inconsiderate and he needs to have that made clear to him so he can think about that for the next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is probably pregnant by now

Learned from the duck crowd. Find the good ones early.

I know you meant this to get a rise out of people, but this is exactly how my friend's first grand child was conceived, 17 years ago. They were exactly as OP describes her son, "responsible"... for TEENAGERS not at all responsible for adult responsibilities and parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is probably pregnant by now

Learned from the duck crowd. Find the good ones early.

I know you meant this to get a rise out of people, but this is exactly how my friend's first grand child was conceived, 17 years ago. They were exactly as OP describes her son, "responsible"... for TEENAGERS not at all responsible for adult responsibilities and parenthood.

Numerous folks have already pointed out the craziness in allowing a high-school-aged son to travel out of the country for weeks with a committed sexual partner (because that's, by definition, what a girlfriend or boyfriend is). This is practically an invitation for an unplanned pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

I have to wonder how many of the misfit posters who see nothing wrong with this would have allowed their high-school aged daughters to leave the country for weeks with a boyfriend, and then proceeded to see nothing wrong with her extending her trip without consulting them.

[Anonymous]

So another redshirted kid? And he is 18, so what exactly do you want, kick him of the house? Why did you redshirt him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is probably pregnant by now

Learned from the duck crowd. Find the good ones early.

I know you meant this to get a rise out of people, but this is exactly how my friend's first grand child was conceived, 17 years ago. They were exactly as OP describes her son, "responsible"... for TEENAGERS not at all responsible for adult responsibilities and parenthood.

Numerous folks have already pointed out the craziness in allowing a high-school-aged son to travel out of the country for weeks with a committed sexual partner (because that's, by definition, what a girlfriend or boyfriend is). This is practically an invitation for an unplanned pregnancy.

Not in Sweden.

When my Swedish family came here they brought their son's girlfriend, and the two high schoolers were sleeping together. It was no big deal, and nobody got pregnant. Swedish teens are very informed about their bodies and don't have any religious hangups about sex.

[Anonymous]

I'd talk to him about not communicating, but other than that I'm not sure I'd have a huge problem. This is tricky though. He's the age of an adult but still in HS....

The more I think about this the more I keep going in circles.... mad because that's kind of irresponsible of him but ok because A. He paid his own way and B he's an adult.... I'd just tell him that was a dumb decision and that until he is out of the house and totally independent, he needs to communicate these things...