Is this the norm for divorced 30 something women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lolll at the men responding here who are completely NOT getting it. In the vast, vast majority of marriages with children: a) your "I don't get it, when I was single I did all my own laundry and just ate snacks at the gym!" (lol) straight up does not apply

But it DOES apply when you're divorced and once again single...WHICH IS WHAT THIS THREAD IS ABOUT.

The whole idea of what a woman contributes to the household/marriage is COMPLETELY OFF TOPIC.

No it's not, because the premise is that the very reason men jump right back into relationships and women don't is because on balance, being in the first relationship made the man's life much easier, and the woman's life much harder. I hear you that you think because they're not explicitly looking for a workhorse this second time around, you think it's different, but you'd better believe he still expects her to cook and clean and "keep herself up" if the relationship becomes long term, and just because they might not have kids together so she won't have to do as much work in aggregate as DW1 doesn't mean she's not going to be doing a greater share of labor in the relationship than X/DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lolll at the men responding here who are completely NOT getting it. In the vast, vast majority of marriages with children: a) your "I don't get it, when I was single I did all my own laundry and just ate snacks at the gym!" (lol) straight up does not apply

But it DOES apply when you're divorced and once again single...WHICH IS WHAT THIS THREAD IS ABOUT.

The whole idea of what a woman contributes to the household/marriage is COMPLETELY OFF TOPIC.

Unless we're killing off the kids in this hypo, nope. Next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lolll at the men responding here who are completely NOT getting it. In the vast, vast majority of marriages with children: a) your "I don't get it, when I was single I did all my own laundry and just ate snacks at the gym!" (lol) straight up does not apply

I screened for this soooo hard when I was single. It's not enough to take care of yourself (necessary, but not sufficient), he had to demonstrate that he didn't have blinders on when it came to my effort. So many women are working so hard behind the scenes to make everything run smoothly, only to have their SO's come into threads like these and say "I did just as much, I took out the trash every. single. week!" Nope, nope, nope. You don't get to be comfortably blind to how much work it takes to make a household, marriage, and family work.

My DH and I have a very good division of labor, and we are constantly acknowledging the other's efforts and saying thank you. Because ignoring the other person's efforts is the beginning of the end in my mind. First you take it for granted, then you stop seeing it entirely and devalue all the effort the other person is putting in, but you always remember what you've done. That's why these studies always show that men believe they're doing 50% or better of the housework when reality shows they're doing a tiny sliver of the actual work: because they meticulously track their own efforts and are oblivious to, intentionally ignore, or proactively degrade (busywork) the other person's work. Miss me with that noise.

Yes! This is exactly it. It's all the thankless behind the scenes stuff to keep things running smoothly that doesn't even get noticed (or, worse, gets totally minimized; see, e.g., the male posters here)

[Anonymous]

Also, in stating he doesn't care about genes, maternal instincts etc. I mean that he likely will not care about starting another family, so he's not looking for all of that 'extra stuff' like "Will she read our future children bedtime stories, be patient with them"

We were supposed to be considering that in wife #1?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep.

If you want to invent a ton of busywork to be a martyr while your spouse handles everything that really needs to be done while also handling the children, knock yourself out.

But you agreed that basically nothing on that list is actually busywork. If a woman has to handle all of that (in addition to the daily chores, like childcare, laundry, cleaning, cooking), I have a hard time understanding what you're getting at. We're not talking about you, we're talking about DHs who actually do nothing (which are many, as indicated by copious research and anecdote). I have no idea what your wife did that you think that was "busywork" but more examples might be useful.

You seem like a kind person. I'm not trying to argue or be a jerk.

When I was married, my wife and I split chores 50/50. SHe's OCD about cleanliness so it wasn't 50/50 pre-kids. Dusting the guest bedroom and stuff was all her. (I consider that busywork and she didn't use that to one up me, so all ok). I did extra on the childcare post-kids to make it 50/50 so she could mop the storage closet and re-arrange the kids clothing drawers.

Everything else is my own personal complaints. You're right: no need to extrapolate beyond that. I live in a condo with extra bedrooms for my kids to visit three days a week. It doesn't take much time at all to keep it spotlessly clean when I'm by myself. When the kids are with me, we have fun. When they're with their mom they clean and do yard work.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA omg. HOW are you not seeing this?! Read what you just wrote. THIS is exactly what we're all saying...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
went to wolf trap one day, to picnic before a show. a 6 women, 50's , showed up a picnic table next to ours. they were talking about ex's and husbands. one said her husband would inherit a lot of money so she was waiting until that happens before leaving, other women said her husband is making lots of money so she is in seperate room. Another woman said she was divorced and getting payments and could not get married again but have a boyfriend. These were well dressed 50 something white women at wolf trap and all of them were milking their relationships for money.

BINGO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was divorced with two kids and remarried a hot former Marine with two advanced degrees.

People win Powerball, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having someone guaranteed to be in their bed every night (their wife) is the best shot most men have.

Not worth the price of admission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been a single Mom for 4 years and have my stuff together. Only recently met the one
My abusive ex? Of course moved on quickly and hooked another victim even with a criminal record....so....yeah

Why are women attracted to men with records?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Don't add a pile of irrelevant items done for your own benefit and then claim you are doing it for me.

Welcome to modern American marriage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We totally agree: men want to remarry because marriage is a good deal for them.

Marriage is a HORRIBLE deal for men. We have to put up with slavedrivers like you and risk losing half our money in a divorce. Screw that.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? You wouldn't marry a urinal, would you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having someone guaranteed to be in their bed every night (their wife) is the best shot most men have.

Not worth the price of admission.

Yep, for 25 percent of the marriage I didn't even get to sleep in the bed.

Getting married was a bad deal for me: suddenly I was cooking for two, washing dishes for two, cleaning the house for two, buying groceries for two, paying rent for two, and saving for a retirement for two. And when she got a dog, guess who got stuck walking it, bathing it, and picking up its crap in the yard?

I have a number of divorced friends in their early 50s, we all have 50-50 custody, and we all agree on one thing: our ex-wives were frauds and liars. The wives always complained about how much work it was to do laundry and pack lunches for the kids. These tasks take minutes a day! Lots of women seem to be happy complaining for hours about tasks that take minutes. This time of the year my ex would always drone on about all the back to school paperwork. Now I do it, and it seems to take about 45 minutes, and it's once a year!

One of my friends was afraid to get divorced. He told me before he decided to divorce, "I'll have to hire all sorts of help to do the laundry, cook, get groceries, iron, pack lunches." A year later he does it all himself and he just told me, it's so easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We totally agree: men want to remarry because marriage is a good deal for them.

Marriage is a HORRIBLE deal for men. We have to put up with slavedrivers like you and risk losing half our money in a divorce. Screw that.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? You wouldn't marry a urinal, would you?

Haha EHM the entire context here is the (true) premise that men do want to get married, and often women don't. Try to keep up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Again with a list of mostly irrelevant things. "Christmas Eve menu" Really? As if without that men would be lost? The majority of items on your men-are-taken-care-of-list are not directed towards the man.

When I was single (mid-thirties) my Thanksgiving and Christmas meals were healthy snacks eaten at the gym. Now that I'm married I don't have time for the gym because I'm running around taking care of all sorts of "family tasks" that I personally DO NOT NEED. A large percentage of things "scheduled for me" merely add to my list of ever growing to-do items that do not add value to my life. I can't remember the last time I had time for the gym and I get to listen to a wife that makes off-hand comments about my "belly" and tells me I should eat so late at night after I'm finally able to shut off the computer at 10:00 pm after a 14 hour work day.

Don't add a pile of irrelevant items done for your own benefit and then claim you are doing it for me.

Are you deliberately being stupid? When you were single, you didn't have children to take care of, feed, clothe, vaccinate and furnish their rooms. You think taking your children to the doctor, signing them up for camps and activities, and making sure their room has a damn bed that looks somewhat easy on the eye is busy work? Or, I get it, you personally DO NOT NEED it, therefore it doesn't have to be done?

Dude. We all had time for the gym when we were single. I was in the gym or at the skating rink six damn times a week before I got married. Now my evenings are spent on cooking dinner, feeding dinner, cleaning up from it, planning for tomorrow and making sure the freaking roof doesn't cave on me. Because it's not just me anymore. And if you're married, it's not just you anymore, so don't give me the bullshit line how you PERSONALLY don't need, because guess I what? I, too, don't PERSONALLY need vaccinated children, or beds in their rooms, or school lunches, but I'd like them to not die of preventable causes, not sleep on the floor, or not go hungry at school, therefore I spend my energy and time doing things for other small people that I PERSONALLY do not need. Time that used to be spent in the gym.

Amen!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We totally agree: men want to remarry because marriage is a good deal for them.

Marriage is a HORRIBLE deal for men. We have to put up with slavedrivers like you and risk losing half our money in a divorce. Screw that.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? You wouldn't marry a urinal, would you?

Haha EHM the entire context here is the (true) premise that men do want to get married, and often women don't. Try to keep up

lol. Not only is he sexist but he's an idiot.