Wondering if DW is part of some kind of fight club...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ARe you seeing results of her training other than bruises. Is she eating more? Healthier? Loosing weight? Getting more muscle definition?

I'm bothered by the gut not trusting her. You called to check with the instructor? Is she 12? Are you her dad?

Seems off to me.

I have seen results. She is definitely more toned.

I called the trainer to learn more about the program as a potential customer. In doing so I noted that I know so-and-so who is doing the class. He acknowledged her participation. He did not know my relation to DW.

When my wife comes home with bruises, yes, I can become rather paternalistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses here are absolutely insane, over-the-top paranoid.

This woman has one, one night a week in which to get away from her four children under 5. She spends the majority of it driving to, from, and attending a workout class, and has explained that she hangs out with friends she's made in the class afterwards. This is probably the only thing that keeps her sane, after a week of wiping dirty butts, watching Caillou, and otherwise doing mindnumbingly boring childcare tasks. And yet her husband won't let her have this little bit of time. No, he and almost everyone else here thinks she must be balling her instructor.

OP, I work out every day, at one of four different studios. If I learned that my husband had called any of them to verify, I would a) expect them not to divulge any information, since how do they know it's not a stalker, and b) rip my husband a new one. If he showed up in the middle of a class, I would a) expect them not to let him in, since classes are solely for the participants, not for gawkers and paranoid husbands, and b) rip my husband a second new one. But you know what? He doesn't do that, because we have something called trust. What has your wife done that makes you distrust her? Do you verify your location at every single moment of the day to her? Would you allow her to track you by cell phone?

If you trust your wife, for god's sake. don't take any of this horrible advice about private investigators and cell phone tracking. If you don't trust her, divorce her, because your marriage is already over.

Oh stop it. If this was a man coming home after midnight during his "workout" night and supposedly drinking with friends, you'd probably tell his DW that she has every right to follow him in an attempt to confirm her suspicions.

The double standards here are so obvious.

Not the PP, but I have posted similar on threads where men were acting shady and other DCUMs were telling the wife to follow him or hire a PI.

Once the trust is gone, the marriage is over. You don't need "proof".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses here are absolutely insane, over-the-top paranoid.

This woman has one, one night a week in which to get away from her four children under 5. She spends the majority of it driving to, from, and attending a workout class, and has explained that she hangs out with friends she's made in the class afterwards. This is probably the only thing that keeps her sane, after a week of wiping dirty butts, watching Caillou, and otherwise doing mindnumbingly boring childcare tasks. And yet her husband won't let her have this little bit of time. No, he and almost everyone else here thinks she must be balling her instructor.

OP, I work out every day, at one of four different studios. If I learned that my husband had called any of them to verify, I would a) expect them not to divulge any information, since how do they know it's not a stalker, and b) rip my husband a new one. If he showed up in the middle of a class, I would a) expect them not to let him in, since classes are solely for the participants, not for gawkers and paranoid husbands, and b) rip my husband a second new one. But you know what? He doesn't do that, because we have something called trust. What has your wife done that makes you distrust her? Do you verify your location at every single moment of the day to her? Would you allow her to track you by cell phone?

If you trust your wife, for god's sake. don't take any of this horrible advice about private investigators and cell phone tracking. If you don't trust her, divorce her, because your marriage is already over.

I do not verify her information everywhere she goes. This is the first time she has gotten weird with me about something like this. So I guess I'm just following suit.

Contrary to how it might sound, I wouldn't say its a strain on our marriage. From our conversations, I just think she may be irritated that I'm concerned about her bruises. Like she's a little girl who can't handle herself or something. Regarding the gap in time, I also think she may be simply f***ing with me, and playing the long game in the process. She can be a "tester," and sometimes I comply.

She could very easily be out with friends. They might go to a restaurant after class and drink wine all night. Thats fine. But why not just say that? When I am out, I generally share what I'm doing. She doesn't know the details, like what bar or who exactly, but she may know that I am out with "some friends." Is that asking a lot? Am I a demon for wanting this courtesy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses here are absolutely insane, over-the-top paranoid.

This woman has one, one night a week in which to get away from her four children under 5. She spends the majority of it driving to, from, and attending a workout class, and has explained that she hangs out with friends she's made in the class afterwards. This is probably the only thing that keeps her sane, after a week of wiping dirty butts, watching Caillou, and otherwise doing mindnumbingly boring childcare tasks. And yet her husband won't let her have this little bit of time. No, he and almost everyone else here thinks she must be balling her instructor.

OP, I work out every day, at one of four different studios. If I learned that my husband had called any of them to verify, I would a) expect them not to divulge any information, since how do they know it's not a stalker, and b) rip my husband a new one. If he showed up in the middle of a class, I would a) expect them not to let him in, since classes are solely for the participants, not for gawkers and paranoid husbands, and b) rip my husband a second new one. But you know what? He doesn't do that, because we have something called trust. What has your wife done that makes you distrust her? Do you verify your location at every single moment of the day to her? Would you allow her to track you by cell phone?

If you trust your wife, for god's sake. don't take any of this horrible advice about private investigators and cell phone tracking. If you don't trust her, divorce her, because your marriage is already over.

+1.

so it is also not proper to follow a husband when the wife is concerned about what he is up to. Nice to know that!

[Anonymous]

PPs need to lay off the OP. This isn't really about trust; he's concerned for his wife. The woman is gone for 6 hours every week and coming home with bruises on her face and hands. She's offered "workout" and "going out with friends" as the only explanation. So yes, he is absolutely in the right to follow her and see where she's going. She could be doing something dangerous to herself.

OP has confirmed with the gym that she is there for at least 1 hour, but that doesn't explain the other 5 hours or the bruising.

When your spouse has physical injuries and can't explain it, it's time to do some investigating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs need to lay off the OP. This isn't really about trust; he's concerned for his wife. The woman is gone for 6 hours every week and coming home with bruises on her face and hands. She's offered "workout" and "going out with friends" as the only explanation. So yes, he is absolutely in the right to follow her and see where she's going. She could be doing something dangerous to herself.

OP has confirmed with the gym that she is there for at least 1 hour, but that doesn't explain the other 5 hours or the bruising.

When your spouse has physical injuries and can't explain it, it's time to do some investigating.

She has explained, he just doesn't like the explanation.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what you mean by "playing the long game", or being a "tester" (sounds odd in the context of a marital relationship). But it's weird that she won't tell you who she is with. Unless there is a history of her feeling controlled by you, there is nothing wrong with you asking and it makes no sense that she doesn't make all this drama go away by just answering you plainly. Which makes me think there has to be more to this story than you're disclosing, in terms of the dynamics of your relationship, etc.

But yes, if my DH was out until midnight and refused to tell me who he was with, I would be very uneasy.

[Anonymous]

Roller derby!

[Anonymous]

If the wife's coming home with bruises, come on, we all know folks are whispering about OP ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs need to lay off the OP. This isn't really about trust; he's concerned for his wife. The woman is gone for 6 hours every week and coming home with bruises on her face and hands. She's offered "workout" and "going out with friends" as the only explanation. So yes, he is absolutely in the right to follow her and see where she's going. She could be doing something dangerous to herself.

OP has confirmed with the gym that she is there for at least 1 hour, but that doesn't explain the other 5 hours or the bruising.

When your spouse has physical injuries and can't explain it, it's time to do some investigating.

I agree with this in theory but I still don't get why he can't just ask her. That speaks to a deeper problems in the relationship. If my husband were coming home at midnight during the week, that would be weird, even more so if he were all bruised. I agree to something is up and OP has the right to be concerned. That said, the relationships off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The responses here are absolutely insane, over-the-top paranoid.

This woman has one, one night a week in which to get away from her four children under 5. She spends the majority of it driving to, from, and attending a workout class, and has explained that she hangs out with friends she's made in the class afterwards. This is probably the only thing that keeps her sane, after a week of wiping dirty butts, watching Caillou, and otherwise doing mindnumbingly boring childcare tasks. And yet her husband won't let her have this little bit of time. No, he and almost everyone else here thinks she must be balling her instructor.

OP, I work out every day, at one of four different studios. If I learned that my husband had called any of them to verify, I would a) expect them not to divulge any information, since how do they know it's not a stalker, and b) rip my husband a new one. If he showed up in the middle of a class, I would a) expect them not to let him in, since classes are solely for the participants, not for gawkers and paranoid husbands, and b) rip my husband a second new one. But you know what? He doesn't do that, because we have something called trust. What has your wife done that makes you distrust her? Do you verify your location at every single moment of the day to her? Would you allow her to track you by cell phone?

If you trust your wife, for god's sake. don't take any of this horrible advice about private investigators and cell phone tracking. If you don't trust her, divorce her, because your marriage is already over.

I do not verify her information everywhere she goes. This is the first time she has gotten weird with me about something like this. So I guess I'm just following suit.

Contrary to how it might sound, I wouldn't say its a strain on our marriage. From our conversations, I just think she may be irritated that I'm concerned about her bruises. Like she's a little girl who can't handle herself or something. Regarding the gap in time, I also think she may be simply f***ing with me, and playing the long game in the process. She can be a "tester," and sometimes I comply.

She could very easily be out with friends. They might go to a restaurant after class and drink wine all night. Thats fine. But why not just say that? When I am out, I generally share what I'm doing. She doesn't know the details, like what bar or who exactly, but she may know that I am out with "some friends." Is that asking a lot? Am I a demon for wanting this courtesy?

OP, she's only acting weird because you're being very stalkerish about the whole thing. You asked her what she did on her nights off. she said triathalon. you kept asking and trying to verify (because of the bruises) and she finally told you the exact name, place and event she participated in.

That should have been enough for you. If you were only concerned with her bruises. that's it. You actually calculated the time it takes to get there, the length of training, changing clothes, whatever, and now are asking basically what she does with her "free time." She knows you go "out with some friends" but don't share with whom or where. That's what she shared with you. She is out with some friends (after the training) but you don't know with whom or where. What's the difference?

If you really trust her, why can't you give her the benefit of the doubt and trust that she probably goes out for food or drinks after the workout. It's her ONLY NIGHT OUT for the week. She want's to get in a workout and an evening out with friends. And she DID say she is hanging out with friends after the workout. why are you saying "why not just say that"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs need to lay off the OP. This isn't really about trust; he's concerned for his wife. The woman is gone for 6 hours every week and coming home with bruises on her face and hands. She's offered "workout" and "going out with friends" as the only explanation. So yes, he is absolutely in the right to follow her and see where she's going. She could be doing something dangerous to herself.

OP has confirmed with the gym that she is there for at least 1 hour, but that doesn't explain the other 5 hours or the bruising.

When your spouse has physical injuries and can't explain it, it's time to do some investigating.

I agree with this in theory but I still don't get why he can't just ask her. That speaks to a deeper problems in the relationship. If my husband were coming home at midnight during the week, that would be weird, even more so if he were all bruised. I agree to something is up and OP has the right to be concerned. That said, the relationships off.

I DID talk to her. She gave me a BS answer, which I called out. When pressed she said kind of played the don't worry about me/monitor me card. In a sense, my wife may feel like my current actions are a form of controlling her. Maybe she's right in this instance.

DW sometimes turns inward when something is bothering her. Usually this translates to her being more moody/snarky. Not secretive and weird. We go to marriage counseling as a healthy practice. Have been doing so for 10 years. Never any issues regarding me being controlling. There are many other areas where I can be a douche though. Maybe thats whats sparking her "rebellion." I plan to bring it up at our next appointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the wife's coming home with bruises, come on, we all know folks are whispering about OP ...

This became more of a thought after the cheekbone bruise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what you mean by "playing the long game", or being a "tester" (sounds odd in the context of a marital relationship). But it's weird that she won't tell you who she is with. Unless there is a history of her feeling controlled by you, there is nothing wrong with you asking and it makes no sense that she doesn't make all this drama go away by just answering you plainly. Which makes me think there has to be more to this story than you're disclosing, in terms of the dynamics of your relationship, etc.

But yes, if my DH was out until midnight and refused to tell me who he was with, I would be very uneasy.

"Tester" in that when we fight, sometimes she pokes at things she's knows will bothers me, to make me upset. I'm pretty mild mannered by nature, so sometimes she feels nothing bothers me, or my lack of response is me "not caring." Its her way to get a rise out of me.

We have mostly counseled through this, but of course it doesn't always go away. There may be some truth to the thought that she is upset about something of which I am not aware and hasn't communicated it yet. Or expects me to already know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PPs need to lay off the OP. This isn't really about trust; he's concerned for his wife. The woman is gone for 6 hours every week and coming home with bruises on her face and hands. She's offered "workout" and "going out with friends" as the only explanation. So yes, he is absolutely in the right to follow her and see where she's going. She could be doing something dangerous to herself.

OP has confirmed with the gym that she is there for at least 1 hour, but that doesn't explain the other 5 hours or the bruising.

When your spouse has physical injuries and can't explain it, it's time to do some investigating.

I agree with this in theory but I still don't get why he can't just ask her. That speaks to a deeper problems in the relationship. If my husband were coming home at midnight during the week, that would be weird, even more so if he were all bruised. I agree to something is up and OP has the right to be concerned. That said, the relationships off.

I DID talk to her. She gave me a BS answer, which I called out. When pressed she said kind of played the don't worry about me/monitor me card. In a sense, my wife may feel like my current actions are a form of controlling her. Maybe she's right in this instance.

DW sometimes turns inward when something is bothering her. Usually this translates to her being more moody/snarky. Not secretive and weird. We go to marriage counseling as a healthy practice. Have been doing so for 10 years. Never any issues regarding me being controlling. There are many other areas where I can be a douche though. Maybe thats whats sparking her "rebellion." I plan to bring it up at our next appointment.

Ohhhh, there you go! You already have a process through which you can tell her that her explanation is inadequate and ask her why she is withholding information. If she won't tell you there, well, then you know you have a larger problem regardless of what she is doing. Good luck, OP. Hope you guys sort things out.