I wish I had never become a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I will, however, not let my child use his anxiety and ADHD as an excuse or a crutch (I have NEVER used my anxiety and depression as an excuse and I have a good education and career as a result)."

Here you are again op. What the hell does this mean? You had me with your kinder more reasonable responses and hear you are again trying to deny that your child has a disability that he does not control. I've heard two other parents say this crap and I know they are clueless about their dc's disabilities.

Do you blame your child for his disabilities? Just because you were raised a certain way and had certain characteristics does not mean it will work for your child or that your child will be this way. No amount of you dictating how things will be, will make things be.

Please look up Rick Lavoie and read one of his books. He not some mollycoddler. He ran a well respected school for kids with learning disabilities and understands so much of what you are going through.

This one helped me tremendously.
Last One Picked ... First One Picked On
Learning Disabilities and Social Skills with Richard Lavoie

I think you are reading your own bias into what I said. I don't blame him. But that doesn't mean I have to let him descend into it either, spending all day in front of a TV and refusing to engage socially with anyone other than his parents. Is it your contention that that would be a super healthy thing to do? Or are you just here to pounce at every opportunity to twist my words?

Not PP but it's telling that you, yourself, do not have a psychiatrist for your anxiety and depression. So the Lexapro rx is written by your internist/gyno? where you moved. Your child with anxiety + ADHD is finding his medication for his new diagnosis from a pediatrician. You can't drag him out into the sunshine until the anxiety is under control - forcing him to do so is just cruel.

Did you move out of the DC area bc the preschool your child attended flagged issues? but you waited until recently when the shi$ hit the fan after you moved to maybe look into it. FYI, kids are diagnosed with ADHD at 4 especially when there are other issues like anxiety.

But first like on an airplane, you need to help yourself first before you can help your child. Find yourself a psychiatrist and psychologist for your anxiety and depression. It wouldn't surprise me if your DH find you just as hard if not harder to ive with than your SN child.

Yes once again you know everything. I am not responding to you b/c you are being a bitch and looking for a fight. Go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I will, however, not let my child use his anxiety and ADHD as an excuse or a crutch (I have NEVER used my anxiety and depression as an excuse and I have a good education and career as a result)."

Here you are again op. What the hell does this mean? You had me with your kinder more reasonable responses and hear you are again trying to deny that your child has a disability that he does not control. I've heard two other parents say this crap and I know they are clueless about their dc's disabilities.

Do you blame your child for his disabilities? Just because you were raised a certain way and had certain characteristics does not mean it will work for your child or that your child will be this way. No amount of you dictating how things will be, will make things be.

Please look up Rick Lavoie and read one of his books. He not some mollycoddler. He ran a well respected school for kids with learning disabilities and understands so much of what you are going through.

This one helped me tremendously.
Last One Picked ... First One Picked On
Learning Disabilities and Social Skills with Richard Lavoie

I think you are reading your own bias into what I said. I don't blame him. But that doesn't mean I have to let him descend into it either, spending all day in front of a TV and refusing to engage socially with anyone other than his parents. Is it your contention that that would be a super healthy thing to do? Or are you just here to pounce at every opportunity to twist my words?

No op. I understand now. You are right, I read my own experiences in to this. The other parents I've heard use the phrase don't believe that there is anything to an adhd diagnosis and act like their son is lazy. I understand now. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's PP again...I'll be thinking of you and your son for awhile I guess! After typing my last post, I thought of my niece. She has extreme anxiety and my sister (grrr) refuses to have her medicated. She was at a point where it was getting very bad and, as a result, the school was going to give her an one-on-one para in the classroom. Well, niece was horrified because she didn't want to be perceived as different so the anxiety increased. It was a horrible cycle.

My mom finally talked my sister into letting my niece move schools (may not be an option for you) and totally redo the 2d grade. The principal at the new school was willing to try it because niece was young-ish for her grade. The transformation was amazing. The added year of maturity and familiarity with the expectations helped niece settle down and really thrive at school. Now, she's testing where she should be and has really calmed down. Again, the anxiety is never going to completely go away but the comfort she gets at school is helpful.

Just a thought but would redoing kindergarten again be an option?

Serious question - why would we redo K? He academically did well.

Because school is about a lot more than just academics. He has a very long educational career ahead of him and feeling comfortable in school is going to a huge factor as whether he succeeds. There are plenty of super smart, capable kids out there who did poorly (or worse, dropped out) at school because they simply hated being there. Increasing his comfort factor as well as his confidence is a long game approach. Simply worrying about whether or not he did well academically is short gaming it. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Trust me, I know that. This is why the school in DC sucked. They had no clue about early childhood education. But I think repeating K is extreme until we know what is going on with these effing meds, which seem to be making some things better but other things dramatically worse, leading me to wonder if the "cure" is worse than the disease.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're enjoying the fight.

You're fueled by any resistance you perceive here, you're angry at the world.

I get it. But you're not actually open to support or help - you just want an outlet for your anger.

I've put several really supportive posts here (at least I was trying to be really supportive) and you've not acknowledged a single one. Instead you're picking fights.

Fine, if that helps you. But I, like you, have far more important places to devote my energy.

I wish you and your family well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I will, however, not let my child use his anxiety and ADHD as an excuse or a crutch (I have NEVER used my anxiety and depression as an excuse and I have a good education and career as a result)."

Here you are again op. What the hell does this mean? You had me with your kinder more reasonable responses and hear you are again trying to deny that your child has a disability that he does not control. I've heard two other parents say this crap and I know they are clueless about their dc's disabilities.

Do you blame your child for his disabilities? Just because you were raised a certain way and had certain characteristics does not mean it will work for your child or that your child will be this way. No amount of you dictating how things will be, will make things be.

Please look up Rick Lavoie and read one of his books. He not some mollycoddler. He ran a well respected school for kids with learning disabilities and understands so much of what you are going through.

This one helped me tremendously.
Last One Picked ... First One Picked On
Learning Disabilities and Social Skills with Richard Lavoie

I think you are reading your own bias into what I said. I don't blame him. But that doesn't mean I have to let him descend into it either, spending all day in front of a TV and refusing to engage socially with anyone other than his parents. Is it your contention that that would be a super healthy thing to do? Or are you just here to pounce at every opportunity to twist my words?

No op. I understand now. You are right, I read my own experiences in to this. The other parents I've heard use the phrase don't believe that there is anything to an adhd diagnosis and act like their son is lazy. I understand now. Sorry.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're enjoying the fight.

You're fueled by any resistance you perceive here, you're angry at the world.

I get it. But you're not actually open to support or help - you just want an outlet for your anger.

I've put several really supportive posts here (at least I was trying to be really supportive) and you've not acknowledged a single one. Instead you're picking fights.

Fine, if that helps you. But I, like you, have far more important places to devote my energy.

I wish you and your family well.

Which ones? I'm sorry I didn't single you out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really OP, your reality and perceived stress is your attitude. It's not your kid. It's not your job. It's not your husband. It's 100% your attitude. Even on here you have an excuse for every possible solution people offer. You are playing the victim. My husband and I have the same two kids both with different SN. And while I have had hard days, he's taken it to such a dark place because of how poorly he copes and deals with the punches of life. And honestly, while they can be hard and intense and make outings seem terrifying at times, they are beautiful kids. My husband is learning to change his outlook on life and now we are much happier as a family. In many ways, he as a spouse with his poor coping skills was harder on me than the kids. We both work full time jobs too. For the same of not only you, but your husband, get help.

I have to say, this is pretty much bullshit. Attitude is not everything. Most people can only take so much stress. Glad for you that you are a naturally optimistic, serotonin-filled person. But that's not to your credit, its just the way your brain is wired. Your DH"s feelings were as legit as yours.

Pp here and not true. I grew up as an anxiety ridden child myself by two drug addict parents. Went through years of an eating disorder and horrible coping skills until I finally learned how to change the way I think in therapy and twelve steps groups. If I hadn't I might have died. So it became an absolute necessity for me to have to change. My husband on the other hand led a very protected and sheltered life as a child and has the most perfect parents ever and everything came naturally to him. So as a result as an adult he had terrible coping skills. Look, sometimes life is shit. Think I like spending hours and thousands on therapy with what limits time we already have? No. Do I see my friends with easy kids and wonder why not us? Occasionally. But not constantly ruminating on it and fearful of the future like my husband was. He is learning though. Obviously it comes more easily to some than others, but it is a choice to try. OP has not even gotten help yet and so clearly needs it. She could focus on her awesome husband, strategize about better job options or support systems, new anxiety treatment and meds for her kid (and herself...), but just wants to tell us all the reasons she can't. That is the bullshit. She can but chooses not to. Hopefully she will try. A great twelve step concept is to "act as if". Act as if you believe therapy will help and make the time for it, and it will. Act as if you have more control over your life, and you will.

OP, you don't just need therapy, you need cognitive behavioral therapy. Really, you have nothing to lose.

Newsflash: I know that. I said I know that. JFC. I have been in CBT twice before for a total of 4 years. I am on medication. I am looking for a therapist. You are not the only person with experience in mental health here.

And yes, I resent people telling me that I have to martyr myself to my child by sacrificing the career I've worked so hard to build. I am there. I am on. I do a shit ton with this kid. No he cannot have me 24/7/365 and that is not real life. I've gotten myself to a level where I can create my own flexibility (and often do), and I am in a field that allows that but also does pay someone $500K per year.

News flash: you may claim you know it but your actions say otherwise. Maybe you've sought help in the past at some point but you need it again. Just like your kid will need help for ADHD their whole life too. As will mine. It's the anger you need to address. My husband was also so angry. If always ask him "why are you so angry at the world? It's just not as bad to warrant this anger". That's what I mean about perceived stress. You opt to say STFU to that rather than "yes, I could change this somehow". That's all you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really OP, your reality and perceived stress is your attitude. It's not your kid. It's not your job. It's not your husband. It's 100% your attitude. Even on here you have an excuse for every possible solution people offer. You are playing the victim. My husband and I have the same two kids both with different SN. And while I have had hard days, he's taken it to such a dark place because of how poorly he copes and deals with the punches of life. And honestly, while they can be hard and intense and make outings seem terrifying at times, they are beautiful kids. My husband is learning to change his outlook on life and now we are much happier as a family. In many ways, he as a spouse with his poor coping skills was harder on me than the kids. We both work full time jobs too. For the same of not only you, but your husband, get help.

I have to say, this is pretty much bullshit. Attitude is not everything. Most people can only take so much stress. Glad for you that you are a naturally optimistic, serotonin-filled person. But that's not to your credit, its just the way your brain is wired. Your DH"s feelings were as legit as yours.

Pp here and not true. I grew up as an anxiety ridden child myself by two drug addict parents. Went through years of an eating disorder and horrible coping skills until I finally learned how to change the way I think in therapy and twelve steps groups. If I hadn't I might have died. So it became an absolute necessity for me to have to change. My husband on the other hand led a very protected and sheltered life as a child and has the most perfect parents ever and everything came naturally to him. So as a result as an adult he had terrible coping skills. Look, sometimes life is shit. Think I like spending hours and thousands on therapy with what limits time we already have? No. Do I see my friends with easy kids and wonder why not us? Occasionally. But not constantly ruminating on it and fearful of the future like my husband was. He is learning though. Obviously it comes more easily to some than others, but it is a choice to try. OP has not even gotten help yet and so clearly needs it. She could focus on her awesome husband, strategize about better job options or support systems, new anxiety treatment and meds for her kid (and herself...), but just wants to tell us all the reasons she can't. That is the bullshit. She can but chooses not to. Hopefully she will try. A great twelve step concept is to "act as if". Act as if you believe therapy will help and make the time for it, and it will. Act as if you have more control over your life, and you will.

OP, you don't just need therapy, you need cognitive behavioral therapy. Really, you have nothing to lose.

Newsflash: I know that. I said I know that. JFC. I have been in CBT twice before for a total of 4 years. I am on medication. I am looking for a therapist. You are not the only person with experience in mental health here.

And yes, I resent people telling me that I have to martyr myself to my child by sacrificing the career I've worked so hard to build. I am there. I am on. I do a shit ton with this kid. No he cannot have me 24/7/365 and that is not real life. I've gotten myself to a level where I can create my own flexibility (and often do), and I am in a field that allows that but also does pay someone $500K per year.

News flash: you may claim you know it but your actions say otherwise. Maybe you've sought help in the past at some point but you need it again. Just like your kid will need help for ADHD their whole life too. As will mine. It's the anger you need to address. My husband was also so angry. If always ask him "why are you so angry at the world? It's just not as bad to warrant this anger". That's what I mean about perceived stress. You opt to say STFU to that rather than "yes, I could change this somehow". That's all you.

Why are you so sanctimonious? My actions - i.e. ASKING FOR A THERAPIST REFERRAL - indicate the opposite of what you are saying. I am not your husband. Go abuse him and stop refusing to listen to what I am saying b/c it doesn't fit your need to tell me what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's PP again...I'll be thinking of you and your son for awhile I guess! After typing my last post, I thought of my niece. She has extreme anxiety and my sister (grrr) refuses to have her medicated. She was at a point where it was getting very bad and, as a result, the school was going to give her an one-on-one para in the classroom. Well, niece was horrified because she didn't want to be perceived as different so the anxiety increased. It was a horrible cycle.

My mom finally talked my sister into letting my niece move schools (may not be an option for you) and totally redo the 2d grade. The principal at the new school was willing to try it because niece was young-ish for her grade. The transformation was amazing. The added year of maturity and familiarity with the expectations helped niece settle down and really thrive at school. Now, she's testing where she should be and has really calmed down. Again, the anxiety is never going to completely go away but the comfort she gets at school is helpful.

Just a thought but would redoing kindergarten again be an option?

Serious question - why would we redo K? He academically did well.

Because school is about a lot more than just academics. He has a very long educational career ahead of him and feeling comfortable in school is going to a huge factor as whether he succeeds. There are plenty of super smart, capable kids out there who did poorly (or worse, dropped out) at school because they simply hated being there. Increasing his comfort factor as well as his confidence is a long game approach. Simply worrying about whether or not he did well academically is short gaming it. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Trust me, I know that. This is why the school in DC sucked. They had no clue about early childhood education. But I think repeating K is extreme until we know what is going on with these effing meds, which seem to be making some things better but other things dramatically worse, leading me to wonder if the "cure" is worse than the disease.

So much this re the meds. When dh and I began the process we had no idea that there were options for meds. The typical adhd meds were a nightmare for us and our dc eventually began to hallucinate at night. We were on the phone with the psychiatrist and he was off those meds immediately. He eventually was on a different type of med, I can't recall the name, and it didn't have those side affects but it made him tired. It will get better op.

Also to the poster who complained that you've ignored her posts, puleese. Poster you are being too sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried having your son work with a behavior therapist? This has helped my son so much with anxiety over new people, new places, the unexpected.

We use a behavior chart daily. So my son knows his schedule for the day and he knows the behavior that is expected of him and what he is working towards. Ex: today my son is working towards a trip to the toy store (bigger than his usual goal b/c this is the first week of camp and it has been ROUGH). Everything is on one piece of paper, the size of an index card, with his schedule laid out and at the bottom is whatever he is working towards. This has helped us tremendously.

I hope things get better for your family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried having your son work with a behavior therapist? This has helped my son so much with anxiety over new people, new places, the unexpected.

We use a behavior chart daily. So my son knows his schedule for the day and he knows the behavior that is expected of him and what he is working towards. Ex: today my son is working towards a trip to the toy store (bigger than his usual goal b/c this is the first week of camp and it has been ROUGH). Everything is on one piece of paper, the size of an index card, with his schedule laid out and at the bottom is whatever he is working towards. This has helped us tremendously.

I hope things get better for your family!

Hi, yes. The therapist we are seeing is a psychologist and behavior therapist and just recommended PCIT which she says has been successful with ADHD kids. And she wants to implement a behavior modification plan. We just haven't been working with her long enough to get that implemented yet. And I do agree with other posters who have said that until we get the meds sorted out it probably won't be that effective anyway.

[Anonymous]

I agree with numerous PPs that have pointed out that you are shooting down any constructive posts so not sure what the point of your continuing angry posts are. OP, does the venting make you feel better? It doesn't seem to, so what's the point?

And the attitude IS partially how to fix it. Facts will be whatever they will be. How you approach them makes all the difference. Being angry at life for not being the way it is, being angry at your child for something he can't help, and being angry at seemingly everything isn't fixing your issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried having your son work with a behavior therapist? This has helped my son so much with anxiety over new people, new places, the unexpected.

We use a behavior chart daily. So my son knows his schedule for the day and he knows the behavior that is expected of him and what he is working towards. Ex: today my son is working towards a trip to the toy store (bigger than his usual goal b/c this is the first week of camp and it has been ROUGH). Everything is on one piece of paper, the size of an index card, with his schedule laid out and at the bottom is whatever he is working towards. This has helped us tremendously.

I hope things get better for your family!

Hi, yes. The therapist we are seeing is a psychologist and behavior therapist and just recommended PCIT which she says has been successful with ADHD kids. And she wants to implement a behavior modification plan. We just haven't been working with her long enough to get that implemented yet. And I do agree with other posters who have said that until we get the meds sorted out it probably won't be that effective anyway.

It sounds like you guys have a good plan. I will be honest and I think the time period when we knew there was therapy but it took a few months to get everything established was some of the hardest times.. For some reason, knowing that something could help but not know what or how to implement it, made everything seem so much worse. Hang in there!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with numerous PPs that have pointed out that you are shooting down any constructive posts so not sure what the point of your continuing angry posts are. OP, does the venting make you feel better? It doesn't seem to, so what's the point?

And the attitude IS partially how to fix it. Facts will be whatever they will be. How you approach them makes all the difference. Being angry at life for not being the way it is, being angry at your child for something he can't help, and being angry at seemingly everything isn't fixing your issues.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I will, however, not let my child use his anxiety and ADHD as an excuse or a crutch (I have NEVER used my anxiety and depression as an excuse and I have a good education and career as a result)."

Here you are again op. What the hell does this mean? You had me with your kinder more reasonable responses and hear you are again trying to deny that your child has a disability that he does not control. I've heard two other parents say this crap and I know they are clueless about their dc's disabilities.

Do you blame your child for his disabilities? Just because you were raised a certain way and had certain characteristics does not mean it will work for your child or that your child will be this way. No amount of you dictating how things will be, will make things be.

Please look up Rick Lavoie and read one of his books. He not some mollycoddler. He ran a well respected school for kids with learning disabilities and understands so much of what you are going through.

This one helped me tremendously.
Last One Picked ... First One Picked On
Learning Disabilities and Social Skills with Richard Lavoie

I think you are reading your own bias into what I said. I don't blame him. But that doesn't mean I have to let him descend into it either, spending all day in front of a TV and refusing to engage socially with anyone other than his parents. Is it your contention that that would be a super healthy thing to do? Or are you just here to pounce at every opportunity to twist my words?

Not PP but it's telling that you, yourself, do not have a psychiatrist for your anxiety and depression. So the Lexapro rx is written by your internist/gyno? where you moved. Your child with anxiety + ADHD is finding his medication for his new diagnosis from a pediatrician. You can't drag him out into the sunshine until the anxiety is under control - forcing him to do so is just cruel.

Did you move out of the DC area bc the preschool your child attended flagged issues? but you waited until recently when the shi$ hit the fan after you moved to maybe look into it. FYI, kids are diagnosed with ADHD at 4 especially when there are other issues like anxiety.

But first like on an airplane, you need to help yourself first before you can help your child. Find yourself a psychiatrist and psychologist for your anxiety and depression. It wouldn't surprise me if your DH find you just as hard if not harder to ive with than your SN child.

Yes once again you know everything. I am not responding to you b/c you are being a bitch and looking for a fight. Go away.

Sounds like I hit a nerve.