I wish I had never become a parent

[Anonymous]

It's PP again...I'll be thinking of you and your son for awhile I guess! After typing my last post, I thought of my niece. She has extreme anxiety and my sister (grrr) refuses to have her medicated. She was at a point where it was getting very bad and, as a result, the school was going to give her an one-on-one para in the classroom. Well, niece was horrified because she didn't want to be perceived as different so the anxiety increased. It was a horrible cycle.

My mom finally talked my sister into letting my niece move schools (may not be an option for you) and totally redo the 2d grade. The principal at the new school was willing to try it because niece was young-ish for her grade. The transformation was amazing. The added year of maturity and familiarity with the expectations helped niece settle down and really thrive at school. Now, she's testing where she should be and has really calmed down. Again, the anxiety is never going to completely go away but the comfort she gets at school is helpful.

Just a thought but would redoing kindergarten again be an option?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He has let his friendships with the neighbor kids slide. He won't go to someone's house without us. He won't join in games. Just getting him to go outside is like drawing blood from a stone. Plus he knows kids at camp and it doesn't seem to matter. The counselors and lots of other kids are all new to him, and he gets clingy and shy and doesn't want us to leave. He refuses to participate. If he stays home he just wants to watch TV all day. Again, I've stayed home with him a couple of days. Trying to talk him into a game, or a walk, or a bike ride, or to go to the pool, or anything other than TV is brutal. I'm not going to let him spend his whole childhood alone and indoors.

You could try (maybe you have already) not engaging him. Give him a screen limit and if he tantrums, ignore it. Go on about your day. Tell him its game time. He doesn't want to and starts in, then you and DH start playing and don't engage him. Stop giving him attention for negative behavior (its extremely difficult to do I know). Time for a walk and he doesn't want to go? You and DH go, out to the sidewalk and see what he does. He'll push back but you stand firm. Yes, I know he has anxiety and ADHD that just means he needs the same as all children, structure and discipline, it just might take him longer to adapt to it.

And don't forget tons of over the top attention and praise when he does partake in the game, walk, screen limits etc. He is the child, you are the parent. He'll figure that out if you stand firm.

Thanks, PP. We actually do all of these things. It just makes everything an exhausting fight but we stick with it anyway. My child knows we are the parents, trust me. But it still does not prevent him having a meltdown when his anxiety is getting the better of him. I will, however, not let my child use his anxiety and ADHD as an excuse or a crutch (I have NEVER used my anxiety and depression as an excuse and I have a good education and career as a result). It just means that every day will include at least a handful of showdowns, which as I said is exhausting and gets old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's PP again...I'll be thinking of you and your son for awhile I guess! After typing my last post, I thought of my niece. She has extreme anxiety and my sister (grrr) refuses to have her medicated. She was at a point where it was getting very bad and, as a result, the school was going to give her an one-on-one para in the classroom. Well, niece was horrified because she didn't want to be perceived as different so the anxiety increased. It was a horrible cycle.

My mom finally talked my sister into letting my niece move schools (may not be an option for you) and totally redo the 2d grade. The principal at the new school was willing to try it because niece was young-ish for her grade. The transformation was amazing. The added year of maturity and familiarity with the expectations helped niece settle down and really thrive at school. Now, she's testing where she should be and has really calmed down. Again, the anxiety is never going to completely go away but the comfort she gets at school is helpful.

Just a thought but would redoing kindergarten again be an option?

Serious question - why would we redo K? He academically did well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, based on all of this new information, it does sound like the poor little guy will have to get his meds adjusted. I'm glad to hear that his school is a caring, understanding environment. And I agree that he shouldn't be allowed to sit around all day and not engage in some sort of activity.

This is hard parenting OP. You're not alone. We are all out there struggling to do our best by our kids on a daily basis. We've all made our choices and we are here because we had the best of intentions to live our lives surrounded by people we love. That doesn't make it easy, though.

Keep on keeping on, OP. You and your DH might have to pull out a nuclear option to keep you all emotionally afloat. But, for now, follow through on your appointments and hope for the best.

I'm pulling for you all!

If he was only diagnosed 2 months ago, he is still at the "need to find medication stage" not the adjustment stage. Op needs to take him to a child psychiatrist and find herself a doctor too. Since she moved two yrs ago, there is just no excuse other than burying her had in the sand about her own mental health issues.

Sounds like she also needs to find a school that is a better "fit" for her DS and get him some supports bc sunshine and playing outdoors simply is not going to cut it.

He will be getting supports. I believe I said that. And the school (and his teachers, and the counselor) have been wonderful.

[Anonymous]

I get you op about summer camp. My dc has hated all summer camps. He wasn't good at sports and had motor problems that made a lot of camp-like things difficult for him. We never had a successful camp experience. Most are run by kids who barely have a clue about keeping kids safe much less dealing with a child with anxieties or motor issues.

My child also went through a period of withdraw from friends after some negative experiences at school. We lucked out that one new neighbor kid was persistent in his desire to play with my dc and that brought him back out.

The withdrawl from friends is concerning. Did they reject him at school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get you op about summer camp. My dc has hated all summer camps. He wasn't good at sports and had motor problems that made a lot of camp-like things difficult for him. We never had a successful camp experience. Most are run by kids who barely have a clue about keeping kids safe much less dealing with a child with anxieties or motor issues.

My child also went through a period of withdraw from friends after some negative experiences at school. We lucked out that one new neighbor kid was persistent in his desire to play with my dc and that brought him back out.

The withdrawl from friends is concerning. Did they reject him at school?

He doesn't go to the same school as most of the neighbor kids. He made friends at school that we have invited over to our house on several occasions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He has let his friendships with the neighbor kids slide. He won't go to someone's house without us. He won't join in games. Just getting him to go outside is like drawing blood from a stone. Plus he knows kids at camp and it doesn't seem to matter. The counselors and lots of other kids are all new to him, and he gets clingy and shy and doesn't want us to leave. He refuses to participate. If he stays home he just wants to watch TV all day. Again, I've stayed home with him a couple of days. Trying to talk him into a game, or a walk, or a bike ride, or to go to the pool, or anything other than TV is brutal. I'm not going to let him spend his whole childhood alone and indoors.

You could try (maybe you have already) not engaging him. Give him a screen limit and if he tantrums, ignore it. Go on about your day. Tell him its game time. He doesn't want to and starts in, then you and DH start playing and don't engage him. Stop giving him attention for negative behavior (its extremely difficult to do I know). Time for a walk and he doesn't want to go? You and DH go, out to the sidewalk and see what he does. He'll push back but you stand firm. Yes, I know he has anxiety and ADHD that just means he needs the same as all children, structure and discipline, it just might take him longer to adapt to it.

And don't forget tons of over the top attention and praise when he does partake in the game, walk, screen limits etc. He is the child, you are the parent. He'll figure that out if you stand firm.

Thanks, PP. We actually do all of these things. It just makes everything an exhausting fight but we stick with it anyway. My child knows we are the parents, trust me. But it still does not prevent him having a meltdown when his anxiety is getting the better of him. I will, however, not let my child use his anxiety and ADHD as an excuse or a crutch (I have NEVER used my anxiety and depression as an excuse and I have a good education and career as a result). It just means that every day will include at least a handful of showdowns, which as I said is exhausting and gets old.

I understand. You know what though? It won't always be a fight. If you are consistent he'll get it. It might just take a little longer because of his limitations, but he will. Also please consider what other PPs have said about downsizing and having your DH be a stay at home.

[Anonymous]

" I will, however, not let my child use his anxiety and ADHD as an excuse or a crutch (I have NEVER used my anxiety and depression as an excuse and I have a good education and career as a result)."

Here you are again op. What the hell does this mean? You had me with your kinder more reasonable responses and hear you are again trying to deny that your child has a disability that he does not control. I've heard two other parents say this crap and I know they are clueless about their dc's disabilities.

Do you blame your child for his disabilities? Just because you were raised a certain way and had certain characteristics does not mean it will work for your child or that your child will be this way. No amount of you dictating how things will be, will make things be.

Please look up Rick Lavoie and read one of his books. He not some mollycoddler. He ran a well respected school for kids with learning disabilities and understands so much of what you are going through.

This one helped me tremendously.
Last One Picked ... First One Picked On
Learning Disabilities and Social Skills with Richard Lavoie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:" I will, however, not let my child use his anxiety and ADHD as an excuse or a crutch (I have NEVER used my anxiety and depression as an excuse and I have a good education and career as a result)."

Here you are again op. What the hell does this mean? You had me with your kinder more reasonable responses and hear you are again trying to deny that your child has a disability that he does not control. I've heard two other parents say this crap and I know they are clueless about their dc's disabilities.

Do you blame your child for his disabilities? Just because you were raised a certain way and had certain characteristics does not mean it will work for your child or that your child will be this way. No amount of you dictating how things will be, will make things be.

Please look up Rick Lavoie and read one of his books. He not some mollycoddler. He ran a well respected school for kids with learning disabilities and understands so much of what you are going through.

This one helped me tremendously.
Last One Picked ... First One Picked On
Learning Disabilities and Social Skills with Richard Lavoie

I think you are reading your own bias into what I said. I don't blame him. But that doesn't mean I have to let him descend into it either, spending all day in front of a TV and refusing to engage socially with anyone other than his parents. Is it your contention that that would be a super healthy thing to do? Or are you just here to pounce at every opportunity to twist my words?

[Anonymous]

OP - You sound like a good mom, very caring and conscientious. Motherhood is exhausting under the best of circumstances, but moms of special-needs kids need TLC all their own. Sending a cyber-hug and a little prayer for extra strength and peace today. God bless you!

grammiann
Grammie to 2 precious girls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really OP, your reality and perceived stress is your attitude. It's not your kid. It's not your job. It's not your husband. It's 100% your attitude. Even on here you have an excuse for every possible solution people offer. You are playing the victim. My husband and I have the same two kids both with different SN. And while I have had hard days, he's taken it to such a dark place because of how poorly he copes and deals with the punches of life. And honestly, while they can be hard and intense and make outings seem terrifying at times, they are beautiful kids. My husband is learning to change his outlook on life and now we are much happier as a family. In many ways, he as a spouse with his poor coping skills was harder on me than the kids. We both work full time jobs too. For the same of not only you, but your husband, get help.

I have to say, this is pretty much bullshit. Attitude is not everything. Most people can only take so much stress. Glad for you that you are a naturally optimistic, serotonin-filled person. But that's not to your credit, its just the way your brain is wired. Your DH"s feelings were as legit as yours.

Pp here and not true. I grew up as an anxiety ridden child myself by two drug addict parents. Went through years of an eating disorder and horrible coping skills until I finally learned how to change the way I think in therapy and twelve steps groups. If I hadn't I might have died. So it became an absolute necessity for me to have to change. My husband on the other hand led a very protected and sheltered life as a child and has the most perfect parents ever and everything came naturally to him. So as a result as an adult he had terrible coping skills. Look, sometimes life is shit. Think I like spending hours and thousands on therapy with what limits time we already have? No. Do I see my friends with easy kids and wonder why not us? Occasionally. But not constantly ruminating on it and fearful of the future like my husband was. He is learning though. Obviously it comes more easily to some than others, but it is a choice to try. OP has not even gotten help yet and so clearly needs it. She could focus on her awesome husband, strategize about better job options or support systems, new anxiety treatment and meds for her kid (and herself...), but just wants to tell us all the reasons she can't. That is the bullshit. She can but chooses not to. Hopefully she will try. A great twelve step concept is to "act as if". Act as if you believe therapy will help and make the time for it, and it will. Act as if you have more control over your life, and you will.

OP, you don't just need therapy, you need cognitive behavioral therapy. Really, you have nothing to lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's PP again...I'll be thinking of you and your son for awhile I guess! After typing my last post, I thought of my niece. She has extreme anxiety and my sister (grrr) refuses to have her medicated. She was at a point where it was getting very bad and, as a result, the school was going to give her an one-on-one para in the classroom. Well, niece was horrified because she didn't want to be perceived as different so the anxiety increased. It was a horrible cycle.

My mom finally talked my sister into letting my niece move schools (may not be an option for you) and totally redo the 2d grade. The principal at the new school was willing to try it because niece was young-ish for her grade. The transformation was amazing. The added year of maturity and familiarity with the expectations helped niece settle down and really thrive at school. Now, she's testing where she should be and has really calmed down. Again, the anxiety is never going to completely go away but the comfort she gets at school is helpful.

Just a thought but would redoing kindergarten again be an option?

Serious question - why would we redo K? He academically did well.

Because school is about a lot more than just academics. He has a very long educational career ahead of him and feeling comfortable in school is going to a huge factor as whether he succeeds. There are plenty of super smart, capable kids out there who did poorly (or worse, dropped out) at school because they simply hated being there. Increasing his comfort factor as well as his confidence is a long game approach. Simply worrying about whether or not he did well academically is short gaming it. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:" I will, however, not let my child use his anxiety and ADHD as an excuse or a crutch (I have NEVER used my anxiety and depression as an excuse and I have a good education and career as a result)."

Here you are again op. What the hell does this mean? You had me with your kinder more reasonable responses and hear you are again trying to deny that your child has a disability that he does not control. I've heard two other parents say this crap and I know they are clueless about their dc's disabilities.

Do you blame your child for his disabilities? Just because you were raised a certain way and had certain characteristics does not mean it will work for your child or that your child will be this way. No amount of you dictating how things will be, will make things be.

Please look up Rick Lavoie and read one of his books. He not some mollycoddler. He ran a well respected school for kids with learning disabilities and understands so much of what you are going through.

This one helped me tremendously.
Last One Picked ... First One Picked On
Learning Disabilities and Social Skills with Richard Lavoie

I think you are reading your own bias into what I said. I don't blame him. But that doesn't mean I have to let him descend into it either, spending all day in front of a TV and refusing to engage socially with anyone other than his parents. Is it your contention that that would be a super healthy thing to do? Or are you just here to pounce at every opportunity to twist my words?

Not PP but it's telling that you, yourself, do not have a psychiatrist for your anxiety and depression. So the Lexapro rx is written by your internist/gyno? where you moved. Your child with anxiety + ADHD is finding his medication for his new diagnosis from a pediatrician. You can't drag him out into the sunshine until the anxiety is under control - forcing him to do so is just cruel.

Did you move out of the DC area bc the preschool your child attended flagged issues? but you waited until recently when the shi$ hit the fan after you moved to maybe look into it. FYI, kids are diagnosed with ADHD at 4 especially when there are other issues like anxiety.

But first like on an airplane, you need to help yourself first before you can help your child. Find yourself a psychiatrist and psychologist for your anxiety and depression. It wouldn't surprise me if your DH find you just as hard if not harder to ive with than your SN child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your son on medication? Does it need to be adjusted? Would hiring a summer nanny be a better solution than camp? It would allow your son to be home and the nanny and he could plan the day according to what he feels up to doing.

Just a couple of thoughts...

I tried hiring a summer nanny but they all wanted more than the $200/week we are paying for camp and I am not made of money and can't do that.

Yes, he is on medication and we have reached out to his pediatrician.

Our summer nanny is cheaper than camps although most of the camps around here are over $300 per week. For one child, I'd think a summer nanny would be about $300-$400 would be well worth it. I work 45 minutes away from home and have an ADHD and anxious child as well as a neuro-typical child and the summer nanny has provided a much better situation for us than camps. Kids cannot learn to self regulate when they are in camps and therefore need a home environment to work things out at their own pace on their own. Having a nanny verses camps easily covers several therapy sessions.

I don't live in DC. And while a summer nanny *might* help, it's just going to be hell in another 8 weeks when he has to go back to school with a new teacher and new kids. I'm honestly not focused on the short term fix, because it doesn't address the long term problem.

I think the best advice here is to consult a psychiatrist. I am going to do that today.

I don't see how camps or a nanny will change anything for the fall. What I was saying is that a summer to work on executive functioning skills and relax will allow him to start the year off in a better place. Of course you should see a psychiatrist if you don't have one already for anxiety and ADHD. Hopefully that is covered under insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really OP, your reality and perceived stress is your attitude. It's not your kid. It's not your job. It's not your husband. It's 100% your attitude. Even on here you have an excuse for every possible solution people offer. You are playing the victim. My husband and I have the same two kids both with different SN. And while I have had hard days, he's taken it to such a dark place because of how poorly he copes and deals with the punches of life. And honestly, while they can be hard and intense and make outings seem terrifying at times, they are beautiful kids. My husband is learning to change his outlook on life and now we are much happier as a family. In many ways, he as a spouse with his poor coping skills was harder on me than the kids. We both work full time jobs too. For the same of not only you, but your husband, get help.

I have to say, this is pretty much bullshit. Attitude is not everything. Most people can only take so much stress. Glad for you that you are a naturally optimistic, serotonin-filled person. But that's not to your credit, its just the way your brain is wired. Your DH"s feelings were as legit as yours.

Pp here and not true. I grew up as an anxiety ridden child myself by two drug addict parents. Went through years of an eating disorder and horrible coping skills until I finally learned how to change the way I think in therapy and twelve steps groups. If I hadn't I might have died. So it became an absolute necessity for me to have to change. My husband on the other hand led a very protected and sheltered life as a child and has the most perfect parents ever and everything came naturally to him. So as a result as an adult he had terrible coping skills. Look, sometimes life is shit. Think I like spending hours and thousands on therapy with what limits time we already have? No. Do I see my friends with easy kids and wonder why not us? Occasionally. But not constantly ruminating on it and fearful of the future like my husband was. He is learning though. Obviously it comes more easily to some than others, but it is a choice to try. OP has not even gotten help yet and so clearly needs it. She could focus on her awesome husband, strategize about better job options or support systems, new anxiety treatment and meds for her kid (and herself...), but just wants to tell us all the reasons she can't. That is the bullshit. She can but chooses not to. Hopefully she will try. A great twelve step concept is to "act as if". Act as if you believe therapy will help and make the time for it, and it will. Act as if you have more control over your life, and you will.

OP, you don't just need therapy, you need cognitive behavioral therapy. Really, you have nothing to lose.

Newsflash: I know that. I said I know that. JFC. I have been in CBT twice before for a total of 4 years. I am on medication. I am looking for a therapist. You are not the only person with experience in mental health here.

And yes, I resent people telling me that I have to martyr myself to my child by sacrificing the career I've worked so hard to build. I am there. I am on. I do a shit ton with this kid. No he cannot have me 24/7/365 and that is not real life. I've gotten myself to a level where I can create my own flexibility (and often do), and I am in a field that allows that but also does pay someone $500K per year.