"Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not him specifically. I don't think we will get back together. We're barely even in contact anymore. But I want someone like him. Just less disfunctional and angry at the world.

Is it not his being an angry person that makes him rough during sex? Not sure if you can really have one without the other, unless the roughness like with your husband would be an act that a guy may or may not be comfortable with?

OP here. Maybe. It probably has something to do with the level of caring about the other person. It sounds sick but I think I liked being the pursuer instead of the pursuee. If that makes any sense.

I hate it when people write this but honestly, I feel sorry for your children, OP. You should be so past this nonsense and worrying about them and how to make their lives better.

I am a great mother. The only reason I am even thinking about staying is because of them. I would have been out of here long ago if it weren't for them.

[Anonymous]

Is OP depressed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And please stop saying therapy. That will not help. If we go to couples counseling and all of this comes out, I do not see how that will improve the situation. It will just crush him and end our marriage.

You have no respect for your DH at all -- "it will just crush him". How do you know? Again, why go you only have real conversations with your friends and MOTHER yet not your DH? Maybe he would like to tell YOU some things you don't want to hear.

Oh really? How would you feel to be told that your husband doesn't find you attractive at all, thinks you're bad in bed, and gets a skin crawly feeling when you have sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not him specifically. I don't think we will get back together. We're barely even in contact anymore. But I want someone like him. Just less disfunctional and angry at the world.

Is it not his being an angry person that makes him rough during sex? Not sure if you can really have one without the other, unless the roughness like with your husband would be an act that a guy may or may not be comfortable with?

OP here. Maybe. It probably has something to do with the level of caring about the other person. It sounds sick but I think I liked being the pursuer instead of the pursuee. If that makes any sense.

NP here. OP, do you think you possibly struggle with poor self-worth? That you think a handsome man who is committed to his job and family couldn't possibly be interested in you? And you resent your DH for actually pursuing you and doing what he can to make a good life for you and your children?

[Anonymous]

Try therapy again. With a different therapist. If that one doesn't work, try another one....

I only see "I" in your posts. You gloss over your children as if that are minor players in your life. They should be your priority. Focus on them and not yourself until they are adults. That is the responsibility all parents have when they choose to bring life into the world. Start doing triathlons if you need to expend excess energy and get endorphin rushes.

No one gets everything. If you want a kind gentle man in the rest of your life, it will spill over into your sex life. If you want someone who likes it rougher in bed, it may spill out into the rest of your life. Sort of like, everyone wants a confident quality surgeon or pilot, but they can't stand the ego if it shows up in other parts of his/her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am really surprised by these responses. I can't believe so many of you think it is "adolescent" to want to be sexually attracted to the person you are forced to spend the rest of your life with.

Sexual attraction is important and I guarantee that you would get a different response if you were debating whether or not to marry him, or leave the marriage before you had kids. But now you have kids and that changes things a great deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And please stop saying therapy. That will not help. If we go to couples counseling and all of this comes out, I do not see how that will improve the situation. It will just crush him and end our marriage.

You have no respect for your DH at all -- "it will just crush him". How do you know? Again, why go you only have real conversations with your friends and MOTHER yet not your DH? Maybe he would like to tell YOU some things you don't want to hear.

Oh really? How would you feel to be told that your husband doesn't find you attractive at all, thinks you're bad in bed, and gets a skin crawly feeling when you have sex?

Perfect on paper DH may not be that into OP if he's only looking for sex 4 times a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm having trouble believing you are 39. You sound like you are 19. Don't you have any single female friends? What do they tell you about the dating scene in DC? It's not a picnic, let me tell you. More women than men.

seriously!
it reminds me of a friend who read "pride and prejudice" at age 37 and became very disappointed with her (very attractive) husband.

Snort. Romance novels are bad for women. lolz

Pride and Prejudice is not a "romance novel".

off track, but it kind of is, just the 19th century version. I love that book, too, and the movie. But, I realize, it it just a story. Jane Austen wrote stories like these because of her own sad situation. It was very much a reflection of how she wished her life could've ended up. Maybe OP should write her own stories the way she would want her life to be.

[Anonymous]

OP, DO NOT LEAVE HIM UNTIL YOU FIGURE OUT HOW YOU WILL LIVE FINANCIALLY WITHOUT HIM.

You keep brushing over this. But seriously, you're 39 with two kids. You can't move back home. I mean, you could but that would be kind of pathetic at this point, wouldn't it? IF you leave, you need to spend some time building up your savings so you have a cushion and can put down a deposit on a rental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is OP depressed?

Just an asshole, more commonly seen in men who walk out on their kids.

No one forced you to get married and have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is good, and interesting worthwhile advice for someone. But not the OP. Why? Because you made this decision BEFORE you had children. Before you married him. OP wants to disrupt their lives for no reason whatsoever, to chase some fantasy because she's read too many books in which the lead characters have hot sex and crazy chemistry. Or watched too much TV. And she's too immature to discuss it with her husband. Don't want to kiss during sex? Tell him. Want to try something different? Show him. He's too gentle? I'm guessing that's a trait that also makes him a good and caring father, husband, and physician.

Seriously, you can't just do that to your kids because you're not getting off enough. And PP, I understand your concern about the dynamics at play in your relationship--but she never mentioned anything like that, either.

True, which is why I advise for her to talk through this with him in therapy. But I posted my story to demonstrate the strong pull women feel to partner with men society deems as providers (see the "how can I marry a provider" thread). There's nothing wrong with wanting a provider. But it's very dysfunctional that people will prioritize the importance of that at all costs. Note the litany of responses ridiculing OP and calling her husband a "catch".

The idea that a woman's happiness is less important, or worse, unimportant, is a sexist issue that remains deeply ingrained in our society. Note: I am NOT suggesting that OP take destructive action within her family to prioritize her own happiness above her family's. I am saying that her happiness is important, and deserves her and her husband's attention.

Quoted for the cheap seats. The provider thread is gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And please stop saying therapy. That will not help. If we go to couples counseling and all of this comes out, I do not see how that will improve the situation. It will just crush him and end our marriage.

You have no respect for your DH at all -- "it will just crush him". How do you know? Again, why go you only have real conversations with your friends and MOTHER yet not your DH? Maybe he would like to tell YOU some things you don't want to hear.

Oh really? How would you feel to be told that your husband doesn't find you attractive at all, thinks you're bad in bed, and gets a skin crawly feeling when you have sex?

Jesus Christ, why did you marry him then?????????????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not him specifically. I don't think we will get back together. We're barely even in contact anymore. But I want someone like him. Just less disfunctional and angry at the world.

Is it not his being an angry person that makes him rough during sex? Not sure if you can really have one without the other, unless the roughness like with your husband would be an act that a guy may or may not be comfortable with?

OP here. Maybe. It probably has something to do with the level of caring about the other person. It sounds sick but I think I liked being the pursuer instead of the pursuee. If that makes any sense.

NP here. OP, do you think you possibly struggle with poor self-worth? That you think a handsome man who is committed to his job and family couldn't possibly be interested in you? And you resent your DH for actually pursuing you and doing what he can to make a good life for you and your children?

Maybe. It's possible. But, at this point, do the whys even matter? You want what you want. What I've learned from this experience is that you can't change feelings like that. You just can't. I can live with what is lacking in my life but I still something different. I still want what I want, you know?

[Anonymous]

Can't you have a conversation with him about your sex life without insulting him like you fear? So, in therapy or just together without a therapist, you could talk about how you really want X kind of sex without putting down the sex he likes to have. Perhaps you guys could compromise and do it his way some time and your way other times?

For example, and sorry if this is really more explicit than this forum should be dealing with, my husband is really into a certain kind of oral sex that doesn't float my boat. Because I know he's into it, I do it and pretend that it's great at least a couple of times a month. Other times, we do things the way I really want them (I have no clue if he doesn't like it that way - he acts like it's great too, but maybe he just wants to make me happy). Anyway, it's variety and I make sure he gets what he really wants, even though it's not all of the time.

Does that make sense? Maybe talk to him about variety being the spice of life. If you could get the sex you wanted at least occasionally, maybe that could kickstart things.

But, bottom line, what is most important to you? Hot sex and chemistry with someone else or a solid, loving family that might be without passion.

[Anonymous]

NP here; have not read all the replies.

I think, OP, you have blown your shot at the romantic "in love" marriage. (and btw, of course, many "in love" marriages fail, too, so that's not the Holy Grail of marriage) . I'm not convinced that if you were NEVER in love with him, that you could ever be, in that way. Falling "in love" is a very primitive thing that I don't think we can control well (other than choosing to not be around off-limits but attractive people)

But now you've made decisions that involve the creation of other human beings, and sounds like except for your own wish to be "in love" you've got a good situation.

It reminds me of arranged marriages. You really have in all respects a good arranged marriage. Many of them work, OP, if you get your head into that place. Put your expectations in that place.

I spoke with someone, years ago, who was in an arranged marriage; he had not even met his wife until the wedding (or just before). He said he concentrated on himself; how could he be the best husband he could be, regardless of who he married? And his wife concentrated on how could she be the best wife she could be, regardless of whom she married. When they came together, they each brought their best selves to the table.

This seems to be a different kind of concentrating on self than the typical self-absorption, and it may help you, OP.