SAHMs, do you worry about your husband leaving you?

[Anonymous]

So I should worry about him leaving me financially strapped over someone being there for my kids? Money can always be made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read book about this: statistically, most high income men have SAH wives. Once they reach a certain amount, the majority would prefer their wives to be home especially with the kids.

I read a book about this: statistically, divorce rates follow the stock market, when it is up so is divorce rate, so if men can afford to dump you they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I should worry about him leaving me financially strapped over someone being there for my kids? Money can always be made.

Have you read anything about how this devastates the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I should worry about him leaving me financially strapped over someone being there for my kids? Money can always be made.

By you? Not so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Guess your family wasn't familiar with the concept of life insurance? Your mom probably just wanted to return to work.

And glad I'm not your wife if you always think your way is the right way.

I know multiple families dealing with disability/death and life insurance may float you for a few years, which is it's purpose. It will not care for you for the rest of your life.

Are you joking? Only if you don't know how to purchase the right amount -- life insurance is available by the millions of dollars, and some of us carry that much.

Sure you cant take out an insane amount of insurance but most people don't have that much insurance. How much do you have. So if your H is in a nursing home at $350/day, how long will it last? Most families here live off of $250/year. So 5 million will last you about 20 years, you will be 60ish if you are in your 40's. Do you have 15 million in insurance to get you to 100?

If my husband dies, I am selling the big house and leaving the area. I would move back to where I am from and have a lot of extended family support. We would live off of much less than than $250k post-tax. I would also invest the money and wouldn't withdraw more than the interest it generated if possible. If that wasn't enough, I would probably get something part-time to smooth things over, but with a paid-off house and educations funded, I don't see how I couldn't live off the interest except in really bear markets. I also would have other assets to fall back on. With $5m, I can't imagine most women would have an issue supporting themselves unless they were crazy spenders (which is a whole different set of problems).

So that is your plan, move away. It's a plan. hopefully nobody i sin an nursing home. So you have $5M in insurance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Guess your family wasn't familiar with the concept of life insurance? Your mom probably just wanted to return to work.

And glad I'm not your wife if you always think your way is the right way.

I know multiple families dealing with disability/death and life insurance may float you for a few years, which is it's purpose. It will not care for you for the rest of your life.

Are you joking? Only if you don't know how to purchase the right amount -- life insurance is available by the millions of dollars, and some of us carry that much.

Sure you cant take out an insane amount of insurance but most people don't have that much insurance. How much do you have. So if your H is in a nursing home at $350/day, how long will it last? Most families here live off of $250/year. So 5 million will last you about 20 years, you will be 60ish if you are in your 40's. Do you have 15 million in insurance to get you to 100?

If my husband dies, I am selling the big house and leaving the area. I would move back to where I am from and have a lot of extended family support. We would live off of much less than than $250k post-tax. I would also invest the money and wouldn't withdraw more than the interest it generated if possible. If that wasn't enough, I would probably get something part-time to smooth things over, but with a paid-off house and educations funded, I don't see how I couldn't live off the interest except in really bear markets. I also would have other assets to fall back on. With $5m, I can't imagine most women would have an issue supporting themselves unless they were crazy spenders (which is a whole different set of problems).

So that is your plan, move away. It's a plan. hopefully nobody i sin an nursing home. So you have $5M in insurance?

We actually have more. Do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Thank you for mansplaining!

How about "both parents still want a parent at home after school" as a reason for someone to still stay home? It amazes me that people are so wed to a paycheck that they think everyone should work even when they don't have to.

So. Does your husband only work the exact hours he needs to survive... or is he so wedded to a paycheck that he works more hours, away from his children, raised by a single mom.

Well, he does not get paid by the hour. He works hard at a job he loves, but is not a workaholic or absentee dad, if that is what you're implying.

To the PP who brought up welfare, I was talking about second, unnecessary paychecks... being wedded to the idea that worth only comes from a paying job, even when you don't need the money.

But he could take a lower paying job that is more flexible and be home more with you and the children... if he really wanted to be with you and the children. The size of his paycheck is unnecessary and you seem wedded to the amount of money he makes so you can maintain your own lifestyle. It is not a working lifestyle but a lifestyle you have become accustom to living. I am not sure why some parents want 1 parent at home when the kids get home, wouldnt there be some value to having the father there sometime and the mother there sometimes and both sometimes.

For us, it was much easier to have 1 high paying job than 2 not so high paying jobs. Ymmv and that is fine.

So the answer is you don't worry and it is just plain easier. If shit hits the fan you will deal with it then.

Correct. I will just deal with it. I don't worry. We have lots of insurance. We have significant assets. I have my own money. I have marketable skills. I have plenty of money to go back to school and retrain if I want. I have parents and siblings who would be willing to help and who are in a position to help. I worry about a lot of things. This isn't one of them. If I was that worried, I would have continued to work.

So actually... you did worry about it and got insurance, or your H worried about it and got insurance. You have your own money, marketable skills, money to retrain and family. I think this is the answer that the OP was looking for.

Maybe I need to be more charitable in my interpretation of her question, but implying that I am a lunatic for doing it doesn't really make it seem like she wanted a real answer. Just to stir the pot.

She should have not just ask SAHP's because this is an issue for everybody... and as I see things happen around me (luckily not to me ... yet) I realize very few people have planned for bad things happening.

[Anonymous]

What happens if you die and leave your DH with the little ones? It does happen you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Guess your family wasn't familiar with the concept of life insurance? Your mom probably just wanted to return to work.

And glad I'm not your wife if you always think your way is the right way.

I know multiple families dealing with disability/death and life insurance may float you for a few years, which is it's purpose. It will not care for you for the rest of your life.

Are you joking? Only if you don't know how to purchase the right amount -- life insurance is available by the millions of dollars, and some of us carry that much.

Sure you cant take out an insane amount of insurance but most people don't have that much insurance. How much do you have. So if your H is in a nursing home at $350/day, how long will it last? Most families here live off of $250/year. So 5 million will last you about 20 years, you will be 60ish if you are in your 40's. Do you have 15 million in insurance to get you to 100?

If my husband dies, I am selling the big house and leaving the area. I would move back to where I am from and have a lot of extended family support. We would live off of much less than than $250k post-tax. I would also invest the money and wouldn't withdraw more than the interest it generated if possible. If that wasn't enough, I would probably get something part-time to smooth things over, but with a paid-off house and educations funded, I don't see how I couldn't live off the interest except in really bear markets. I also would have other assets to fall back on. With $5m, I can't imagine most women would have an issue supporting themselves unless they were crazy spenders (which is a whole different set of problems).

So that is your plan, move away. It's a plan. hopefully nobody i sin an nursing home. So you have $5M in insurance?

We actually have more. Do you?

I forget the exact amount but we have long term care... for nursing home costs.

I have a retirement, as does my H.

We have life insurance to cover the cost of college and hiring domestic help until they are off to college.

I most likely could keep our house because we bought below what we could afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and cannot speak for any women on this forum and their experience, but I can relate my mother's experience.

I recently asked her how old my brother was - he was the youngest of us - was when she went back to work. My mother was an RN and she worked at least part-time until my brother was born. My father was military and later a civilian lawyer.

She said she went back to work full-time when my brother was about 10 and the motivating factor was that a neighbor two doors down was widowed and left with virtually nothing and had to start at the bottom in terms of building up experience and a career.

So, she decided to go back to work full-time to be in the workforce and to be able to provide for herself independent of my father.

My parents were married for 45 years until my father's death, but my mother never ever regretted going back to work.

There is really no reason, especially after the kids reach full-time school age, for SAHM's to stay home, especially if they are educated and can work. Of course, this does not account for parents dealing with SNs or otherwise handicapped children.

Thank you for mansplaining!

How about "both parents still want a parent at home after school" as a reason for someone to still stay home? It amazes me that people are so wed to a paycheck that they think everyone should work even when they don't have to.

So. Does your husband only work the exact hours he needs to survive... or is he so wedded to a paycheck that he works more hours, away from his children, raised by a single mom.

Well, he does not get paid by the hour. He works hard at a job he loves, but is not a workaholic or absentee dad, if that is what you're implying.

To the PP who brought up welfare, I was talking about second, unnecessary paychecks... being wedded to the idea that worth only comes from a paying job, even when you don't need the money.

But he could take a lower paying job that is more flexible and be home more with you and the children... if he really wanted to be with you and the children. The size of his paycheck is unnecessary and you seem wedded to the amount of money he makes so you can maintain your own lifestyle. It is not a working lifestyle but a lifestyle you have become accustom to living. I am not sure why some parents want 1 parent at home when the kids get home, wouldnt there be some value to having the father there sometime and the mother there sometimes and both sometimes.

For us, it was much easier to have 1 high paying job than 2 not so high paying jobs. Ymmv and that is fine.

So the answer is you don't worry and it is just plain easier. If shit hits the fan you will deal with it then.

Correct. I will just deal with it. I don't worry. We have lots of insurance. We have significant assets. I have my own money. I have marketable skills. I have plenty of money to go back to school and retrain if I want. I have parents and siblings who would be willing to help and who are in a position to help. I worry about a lot of things. This isn't one of them. If I was that worried, I would have continued to work.

So actually... you did worry about it and got insurance, or your H worried about it and got insurance. You have your own money, marketable skills, money to retrain and family. I think this is the answer that the OP was looking for.

Maybe I need to be more charitable in my interpretation of her question, but implying that I am a lunatic for doing it doesn't really make it seem like she wanted a real answer. Just to stir the pot.

She should have not just ask SAHP's because this is an issue for everybody... and as I see things happen around me (luckily not to me ... yet) I realize very few people have planned for bad things happening.

I have seen the opposite by and large. Money wasn't the problem at all. But there was still huge emotional fallout from a divorce or death. Sadly, bad things happen. Money is nice, but it certainly doesn't guarantee a happy ending for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I should worry about him leaving me financially strapped over someone being there for my kids? Money can always be made.

By you? Not so much.

you know this by??? how much do I need to make?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you die and leave your DH with the little ones? It does happen you know.

Well, presumably they all have jobs, so this isn't a concern with respect to money. I am having some health problems right now and am in the process of figuring them out. So, this has crossed my mind more times than I can count. And at the end of the day, there isn't much we will be able to do to make it okay for my children. And if something ends up being seriously wrong with me, I am happy I had that time at home with them. I certainly won't be wishing I toiled away at the office more. I wish I could buy or insure my way out of things. Life doesn't work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you die and leave your DH with the little ones? It does happen you know.

Well, presumably they all have jobs, so this isn't a concern with respect to money. I am having some health problems right now and am in the process of figuring them out. So, this has crossed my mind more times than I can count. And at the end of the day, there isn't much we will be able to do to make it okay for my children. And if something ends up being seriously wrong with me, I am happy I had that time at home with them. I certainly won't be wishing I toiled away at the office more. I wish I could buy or insure my way out of things. Life doesn't work that way.

+1 I hope you are okay.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it matters whether you are a stay-at-home mother or a working mother, I think all married women at some time in their marriage have worries about whether or not their husbands will stray. After all, infidelity happens all the time and no one is immune. Unfortunately, it does not discriminate and we all are at risk no matter how beautiful or rich we are.

The disadvantage of being a SAHM to me is having to rely 100% on your husband for financial support.
My sister is in the process of a very bitter + messy divorce right now after 20 yrs. of marriage, the last 10 yrs. where she quit her job to stay home & raise her children full-time. Unfortunately, now that decision is biting her in the butt so to speak.

To any and all SAHM's out there, my best advise to you is this:

One never knows what the future holds. No one.
Always have a Plan B. Either save some $$ for yourself in your own bank account or make sure you hold a job and keep your career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you die and leave your DH with the little ones? It does happen you know.

Well, presumably they all have jobs, so this isn't a concern with respect to money. I am having some health problems right now and am in the process of figuring them out. So, this has crossed my mind more times than I can count. And at the end of the day, there isn't much we will be able to do to make it okay for my children. And if something ends up being seriously wrong with me, I am happy I had that time at home with them. I certainly won't be wishing I toiled away at the office more. I wish I could buy or insure my way out of things. Life doesn't work that way.

+1 I hope you are okay.

Thank you. I am hopeful that it will turn out to be much ado about nothing, but I will say that it has erased any doubt from my mind that staying home was the right decision.