What to tell child who is product of an affair?

[Anonymous]

The OP knows where babies comes from too. Why are women let off so easy?

The only way to prevent pregnancy that is 100% certain is to not have sexual contact in the first place. We all know this, and we teach our kids that they shouldn't have sex until they are ready to raise a baby because that is one of the potential consequences of sex no matter how well protected you are. All adults take a calculated risk when they have sex with or without protection and both are well aware of what can happen.

[Anonymous]

The OP knows where babies comes from too. Why are women let off so easy?

The only way to prevent pregnancy that is 100% certain is to not have sexual contact in the first place. We all know this, and we teach our kids that they shouldn't have sex until they are ready to raise a baby because that is one of the potential consequences of sex no matter how well protected you are. All adults take a calculated risk when they have sex with or without protection and both are well aware of what can happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The OP knows where babies comes from too. Why are women let off so easy?

The only way to prevent pregnancy that is 100% certain is to not have sexual contact in the first place. We all know this, and we teach our kids that they shouldn't have sex until they are ready to raise a baby because that is one of the potential consequences of sex no matter how well protected you are. All adults take a calculated risk when they have sex with or without protection and both are well aware of what can happen.

I agree, but women are the only ones with a choice, post-conception which I think is a bit unfair. Simply said "well, it's biology..suck it" doesn't quite cut it. This man told her he wasn't interested in being a father to this child, so outside of paying child support, he owes her nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What is the "right" thing to do at this point?

Well, at this point your daughter is 1, so I doubt you have to tell her anything right now.

Other than providing financial support (which I actually don't agree with), the biological father owes you and your daughter nothing so trying to force him in her life is unfair and will likely have bad results. He didn't want the baby, you did. Now, it's time for you to raise the child.

When your DD gets to an age where she asks about her father you can tell her some version of the truth. When you decided to give birth against his wishes, you decided to handle all this on your own. Now get to it.

WOW! I am not going to engage the abortion debate ... but WOW!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The OP knows where babies comes from too. Why are women let off so easy?

The only way to prevent pregnancy that is 100% certain is to not have sexual contact in the first place. We all know this, and we teach our kids that they shouldn't have sex until they are ready to raise a baby because that is one of the potential consequences of sex no matter how well protected you are. All adults take a calculated risk when they have sex with or without protection and both are well aware of what can happen.

I agree, but women are the only ones with a choice, post-conception which I think is a bit unfair. Simply said "well, it's biology..suck it" doesn't quite cut it. This man told her he wasn't interested in being a father to this child, so outside of paying child support, he owes her nothing.

Abortion isn't an option for everyone and it is pretty callous to presume it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The OP knows where babies comes from too. Why are women let off so easy?

The only way to prevent pregnancy that is 100% certain is to not have sexual contact in the first place. We all know this, and we teach our kids that they shouldn't have sex until they are ready to raise a baby because that is one of the potential consequences of sex no matter how well protected you are. All adults take a calculated risk when they have sex with or without protection and both are well aware of what can happen.

I agree, but women are the only ones with a choice, post-conception which I think is a bit unfair. Simply said "well, it's biology..suck it" doesn't quite cut it. This man told her he wasn't interested in being a father to this child, so outside of paying child support, he owes her nothing.

Abortion isn't an option for everyone and it is pretty callous to presume it is.

It doesn't have to be an option for everyone, but you don't have the right to enforce your views on someone else. I'm sure there are plenty of men who are pro-life, yet they have no say in whether or not a woman will continue a pregnancy in which he is the father. What recourse does he have...should he chain her to a bed for nine months?

[Anonymous]

Maybe

[Anonymous]

If you see nothing morally wrong with having premarital or sex with a married wrong, then, don't try to play the moral card with abortion. That is bull. I think OP is a troll because her story changes to fit the need to make her look like the wronged one. Nevertheless, any
Woman who chooses to have a child with a man, unmarried or married, and the man does not want this child, hasn't a leg to stand on. Her choice and her child grows up without a father because her mother chose this way for her daughter. Men should also have a say in this situation. Even, today, this is still used to trap men. FWIW, I am a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What is the "right" thing to do at this point?

Well, at this point your daughter is 1, so I doubt you have to tell her anything right now.

Other than providing financial support (which I actually don't agree with), the biological father owes you and your daughter nothing so trying to force him in her life is unfair and will likely have bad results. He didn't want the baby, you did. Now, it's time for you to raise the child.

When your DD gets to an age where she asks about her father you can tell her some version of the truth. When you decided to give birth against his wishes, you decided to handle all this on your own. Now get to it.

Op ignore this dumb bitter person. You tell her the truth as she can understand. Families all different sizes, I love you, its just us for now...When she hits a certain age and only you will know maturity wise get him on the phone and make him explain to her. The trump card of you not going public now is this... he doesnt answer her he can answer the press and his wonderful wife can explain to her friends and family what a wonderful upstanding man she's been married to all these years.

Actually, your advice sucks and you sound very vindictive (you even sound snarky about the wife...are you an OW?). Why on earth would you want to force this man's attention on a child he's clearly not interested in? Whether you like it or not, you can't force this man to feel any paternal love for his child and, other than forcing him to pay child support, you can't "make" him see/talk to the child.

You sound like a delusional woman. He had a child outside of marriage. The only reason he is keeping his distance is self preservation. He doesn't love the wife. If he did he would not have put his penis in somebody else. We ALL know where babies come from ... If he didn't then there is a much bigger problem.

Whether this man does or does not love his wife is irrelevant. It also doesn't matter *why* he's keeping his distance. The point is..what good will come from forcing a relationship that he doesn't want?

I know I personally would never expose my child to someone who is not interested in being involved in their lives. Ultimately, that's way more damaging. I'd rather have no father presence than one where the guy was uninterested and seemed resentful of having to be a parent.

The OP knows where babies comes from too. Why are women let off so easy?

Do you really think in reading OP's post she has gotten off? Easy?
Please tell me you know where babies come from and promise us you will not bring any. Love, Darwin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What is the "right" thing to do at this point?

Well, at this point your daughter is 1, so I doubt you have to tell her anything right now.

Other than providing financial support (which I actually don't agree with), the biological father owes you and your daughter nothing so trying to force him in her life is unfair and will likely have bad results. He didn't want the baby, you did. Now, it's time for you to raise the child.

When your DD gets to an age where she asks about her father you can tell her some version of the truth. When you decided to give birth against his wishes, you decided to handle all this on your own. Now get to it.

Op ignore this dumb bitter person. You tell her the truth as she can understand. Families all different sizes, I love you, its just us for now...When she hits a certain age and only you will know maturity wise get him on the phone and make him explain to her. The trump card of you not going public now is this... he doesnt answer her he can answer the press and his wonderful wife can explain to her friends and family what a wonderful upstanding man she's been married to all these years.

Actually, your advice sucks and you sound very vindictive (you even sound snarky about the wife...are you an OW?). Why on earth would you want to force this man's attention on a child he's clearly not interested in? Whether you like it or not, you can't force this man to feel any paternal love for his child and, other than forcing him to pay child support, you can't "make" him see/talk to the child.

You sound like a delusional woman. He had a child outside of marriage. The only reason he is keeping his distance is self preservation. He doesn't love the wife. If he did he would not have put his penis in somebody else. We ALL know where babies come from ... If he didn't then there is a much bigger problem.

Whether this man does or does not love his wife is irrelevant. It also doesn't matter *why* he's keeping his distance. The point is..what good will come from forcing a relationship that he doesn't want?

I know I personally would never expose my child to someone who is not interested in being involved in their lives. Ultimately, that's way more damaging. I'd rather have no father presence than one where the guy was uninterested and seemed resentful of having to be a parent.

The OP knows where babies comes from too. Why are women let off so easy?

Do you really think in reading OP's post she has gotten off? Easy?
Please tell me you know where babies come from and promise us you will not bring any. Love, Darwin

She doesn't need to get off easy. She continued the pregnancy knowing she would be a single mother. Now that the reality of being a single Mom is upon her and she finds it hard, doesn't give her the right to now want to change the rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What is the "right" thing to do at this point?

Well, at this point your daughter is 1, so I doubt you have to tell her anything right now.

Other than providing financial support (which I actually don't agree with), the biological father owes you and your daughter nothing so trying to force him in her life is unfair and will likely have bad results. He didn't want the baby, you did. Now, it's time for you to raise the child.

When your DD gets to an age where she asks about her father you can tell her some version of the truth. When you decided to give birth against his wishes, you decided to handle all this on your own. Now get to it.

Op ignore this dumb bitter person. You tell her the truth as she can understand. Families all different sizes, I love you, its just us for now...When she hits a certain age and only you will know maturity wise get him on the phone and make him explain to her. The trump card of you not going public now is this... he doesnt answer her he can answer the press and his wonderful wife can explain to her friends and family what a wonderful upstanding man she's been married to all these years.

Actually, your advice sucks and you sound very vindictive (you even sound snarky about the wife...are you an OW?). Why on earth would you want to force this man's attention on a child he's clearly not interested in? Whether you like it or not, you can't force this man to feel any paternal love for his child and, other than forcing him to pay child support, you can't "make" him see/talk to the child.

You sound like a delusional woman. He had a child outside of marriage. The only reason he is keeping his distance is self preservation. He doesn't love the wife. If he did he would not have put his penis in somebody else. We ALL know where babies come from ... If he didn't then there is a much bigger problem.

Whether this man does or does not love his wife is irrelevant. It also doesn't matter *why* he's keeping his distance. The point is..what good will come from forcing a relationship that he doesn't want?

I know I personally would never expose my child to someone who is not interested in being involved in their lives. Ultimately, that's way more damaging. I'd rather have no father presence than one where the guy was uninterested and seemed resentful of having to be a parent.

The OP knows where babies comes from too. Why are women let off so easy?

Do you really think in reading OP's post she has gotten off? Easy?
Please tell me you know where babies come from and promise us you will not bring any. Love, Darwin

She doesn't need to get off easy. She continued the pregnancy knowing she would be a single mother. Now that the reality of being a single Mom is upon her and she finds it hard, doesn't give her the right to now want to change the rules.

OP here. Who said anything about changing the rules? I asked how to explain the situation to my child in the way that will be the least harmful. Anonymous DCUMers can berate me all day long for getting into this situation but that isn't going to change the fact that the child is here and will need answers someday. The attitude that making a mistake in the past should preclude one from wanting what's best for their child in the future is ridiculous.

Thank you to the PP who was the child of an affair herself, and all the others who have weighed in constructively. You have given me a lot to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What is the "right" thing to do at this point?

Well, at this point your daughter is 1, so I doubt you have to tell her anything right now.

Other than providing financial support (which I actually don't agree with), the biological father owes you and your daughter nothing so trying to force him in her life is unfair and will likely have bad results. He didn't want the baby, you did. Now, it's time for you to raise the child.

When your DD gets to an age where she asks about her father you can tell her some version of the truth. When you decided to give birth against his wishes, you decided to handle all this on your own. Now get to it.

Op ignore this dumb bitter person. You tell her the truth as she can understand. Families all different sizes, I love you, its just us for now...When she hits a certain age and only you will know maturity wise get him on the phone and make him explain to her. The trump card of you not going public now is this... he doesnt answer her he can answer the press and his wonderful wife can explain to her friends and family what a wonderful upstanding man she's been married to all these years.

Actually, your advice sucks and you sound very vindictive (you even sound snarky about the wife...are you an OW?). Why on earth would you want to force this man's attention on a child he's clearly not interested in? Whether you like it or not, you can't force this man to feel any paternal love for his child and, other than forcing him to pay child support, you can't "make" him see/talk to the child.

You sound like a delusional woman. He had a child outside of marriage. The only reason he is keeping his distance is self preservation. He doesn't love the wife. If he did he would not have put his penis in somebody else. We ALL know where babies come from ... If he didn't then there is a much bigger problem.

Whether this man does or does not love his wife is irrelevant. It also doesn't matter *why* he's keeping his distance. The point is..what good will come from forcing a relationship that he doesn't want?

I know I personally would never expose my child to someone who is not interested in being involved in their lives. Ultimately, that's way more damaging. I'd rather have no father presence than one where the guy was uninterested and seemed resentful of having to be a parent.

The OP knows where babies comes from too. Why are women let off so easy?

Do you really think in reading OP's post she has gotten off? Easy?
Please tell me you know where babies come from and promise us you will not bring any. Love, Darwin

She doesn't need to get off easy. She continued the pregnancy knowing she would be a single mother. Now that the reality of being a single Mom is upon her and she finds it hard, doesn't give her the right to now want to change the rules.

OP here. Who said anything about changing the rules? I asked how to explain the situation to my child in the way that will be the least harmful. Anonymous DCUMers can berate me all day long for getting into this situation but that isn't going to change the fact that the child is here and will need answers someday. The attitude that making a mistake in the past should preclude one from wanting what's best for their child in the future is ridiculous.

Thank you to the PP who was the child of an affair herself, and all the others who have weighed in constructively. You have given me a lot to think about.

Tell her the truth:

While young: "Daddy can't be in our lives right now, but I'm here and I love you very much."
When she's older: "When I was young, I made some bad relationship choices. I had an affair air with a married man and unfortunately, he chose not to be apart of your life."

That's it...don't vilify him and don't gloss over your egregious actions either. And definitely don't try to force/coerce/blackmail him into being in your DD's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What is the "right" thing to do at this point?

Well, at this point your daughter is 1, so I doubt you have to tell her anything right now.

Other than providing financial support (which I actually don't agree with), the biological father owes you and your daughter nothing so trying to force him in her life is unfair and will likely have bad results. He didn't want the baby, you did. Now, it's time for you to raise the child.

When your DD gets to an age where she asks about her father you can tell her some version of the truth. When you decided to give birth against his wishes, you decided to handle all this on your own. Now get to it.

Op ignore this dumb bitter person. You tell her the truth as she can understand. Families all different sizes, I love you, its just us for now...When she hits a certain age and only you will know maturity wise get him on the phone and make him explain to her. The trump card of you not going public now is this... he doesnt answer her he can answer the press and his wonderful wife can explain to her friends and family what a wonderful upstanding man she's been married to all these years.

Actually, your advice sucks and you sound very vindictive (you even sound snarky about the wife...are you an OW?). Why on earth would you want to force this man's attention on a child he's clearly not interested in? Whether you like it or not, you can't force this man to feel any paternal love for his child and, other than forcing him to pay child support, you can't "make" him see/talk to the child.

You sound like a delusional woman. He had a child outside of marriage. The only reason he is keeping his distance is self preservation. He doesn't love the wife. If he did he would not have put his penis in somebody else. We ALL know where babies come from ... If he didn't then there is a much bigger problem.

Whether this man does or does not love his wife is irrelevant. It also doesn't matter *why* he's keeping his distance. The point is..what good will come from forcing a relationship that he doesn't want?

I know I personally would never expose my child to someone who is not interested in being involved in their lives. Ultimately, that's way more damaging. I'd rather have no father presence than one where the guy was uninterested and seemed resentful of having to be a parent.

The OP knows where babies comes from too. Why are women let off so easy?

Do you really think in reading OP's post she has gotten off? Easy?
Please tell me you know where babies come from and promise us you will not bring any. Love, Darwin

She doesn't need to get off easy. She continued the pregnancy knowing she would be a single mother. Now that the reality of being a single Mom is upon her and she finds it hard, doesn't give her the right to now want to change the rules.

Keep casting stones, hon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mangled that quote, sorry. +1 was for the above poster, not the boob who thinks men who have unprotected sex shouldn't deal with the consequences.

Sorry, but if women have a choice post-conception, so should men.

Ridiculous. You might as well rail at God over simple biology.

Men make their choice at the point of ejaculation.

If men give possession of their sperm to a third party, that party can do WHATEVER THEY WANT with it. Including use it to make a human being. Society has a vested interest in making sure that such human beings have adults who are responsible for their upbringing. That is reality.

If you don't like it, don't leave your sperm laying around. People are so quick to say women "should just keep their damn legs closed". Why is it so difficult to adhere to the idea that men should keep their semen to themselves?

Women have a unique role with regard to the pregnancy. The get stuck with it, they risk their lives in it, they have to endure all the pain of it. They also have the right to end it, to govern what goes on inside their bodies. That's just biology. You don't like it, take it up with Mother Nature.

Personally I think we need to seriously consider criminalizing the distribution of sperm without a permit. (sarcasm)

[Anonymous]

No, in this day and age, men should have a say. OP, most likely, received his sperm joyfully because she thought she had him by his balls and he would get a divorce and marry her. Shades of Rielle Hunter.

This man is much older than OP so she can safely tell this child that her father is dead. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to decieve.