Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's your career? Hopefully something easy like teaching so you can get back into it easily.

That's a good point. There are a lot of similarities between SAHM and teachers. They're always in groups, complaining about their lives are so much harder than others, constantly plop kids in front of devices, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your career? Hopefully something easy like teaching so you can get back into it easily.

I hope you mean easy to get back into instead of an easy career. Otherwise please follow me around for a day cause I have a few kids who will knock you on your @ss and send you home exhausted and defeated and teach you just how "easy" it is.

Maybe those kids didn't have a sahm.

[Anonymous]

Most men who know from the get-go they want a SAHM spouse are off the market early. They tend to be conservative (not necessarily MAGA) and/or religious. At 30, you are by no means “over the hill” but you may have missed the boat on these guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men who know from the get-go they want a SAHM spouse are off the market early. They tend to be conservative (not necessarily MAGA) and/or religious. At 30, you are by no means “over the hill” but you may have missed the boat on these guys.

The best men are often married or dating their eventual wife by the time those guys are 30. If a woman is still looking when she is 30, she's looking at the male leftovers.

Most men are not desirable, and it's a competitive market for the small number who are. Women who want to get married to the best men need to compete when they're young. Pretending there aren't tradeoffs just means you're choosing the leftovers. The funny thing is most women who make this mistake can't admit it, so they'll never tell other women the truth. It's a shame--we need to go back to a world where grandmothers helped granddaughters understand how the world really works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is what you want, you need to talk openly about it BEFORE you get engaged! I wanted to stay at home with my boys until they went to Kindergarten and that's what I did. I was upfront. It was the best thing I did. My boys are 12 now. I went back to work when they started school and while I sacrificed 5 years of income, the time with them was precious. Find a man who will support this for you and your family. You are not planning to be a SAHM for 20 years.

+1 DH and I talked about it after dating for a bit. I was 30 and he was 36 so if we weren't on the same page about kids neither of us wanted to waste time.

I was clear that I wanted to be able to scale back my career to be home at least for the first 3 years for each kid but had thought about how I might freelance to keep up my career. We'd both had SAHMs but I'd seen the downside with my mom being a long-term SAHM and kind of depressed and aimless until she went back to work when my siblings and I were in HS. I was clear that I did not want to be a long term SAHM. DH also thought it good to have a parent at home in the early years and said he'd be willing to do that if I didn't want to. We had similar salaries but my job was more flexible and better able to maintain via freelancing.

In the end, I did freelance and was SAH until our youngest started K (7 years total). Didn't have trouble returning to a FT job at that point. When the oldest started MS, DH chose to shift his work so he was WAH because he was concerned about our son being unsupervised after school (DH got into a bit of trouble as a teen).

I loved my time at home and am very glad I was able to do it but also don't know that I'd have felt I had to if I was having a baby today in a much more WAH-friendly environment. My young coworkers at my current company all WAH full time and seem to manage the FT work/baby balance really well (with nearby childcare). But 20 years ago, I had full time in-office job with a long commute. DH was also full time in office but had a short commute so if we kept our work schedules it would have all been on him for drop off/pick up and evening baby routine until I could get home. Not the lifestyle we wanted. And, switching to a new job when your planning to soon have a baby isn't great either when you need to lean in and prove yourself.

I don't think many men would be thrilled by the idea of a permanently SAH/housewife spouse these days. But wanting to adjust the emphasis on parenting/work over time and being realistic about how you plan for that is not unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long time SAHM here. Youngest a high school senior. I worked until 40. Then became a SAHM. I think I just lucked out. Married my man at 26, now married for three decades. He is my best friend. He works outside the home, I take care of everything in the home. I have a great life. I don't think you should have this SAHM conversation until you are engaged, OP. But of uou want it, it is possible.

If you had your kids in your 40's you're a definite outlier, just to be clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long time ivy educated SAHM here - so, not stupid.

OP, this is a values issue. As you date moving forward, you can try and find a man who values family and parenting and when you are getting more serious tell him you envision parenting your children yourself, at least when they are little. I hope you find a guy who is aligned with your vision of how you want to raise kids.

Being a mom full time is the hardest, most rewarding thing I have ever done. I am not going to be on my death bed wishing I had spent most of my time away from my kids.

Funny, I wanted a husband who values family and parenting so I married someone who would actually parent the children along with me, not be gone at work all the time and expect me to do it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not unreasonable for a man to want a working wife. I would also not go into marriage planning to pull a bait and switch unless you’re okay with the idea of working if he doesn’t agree. If this is truly a dealbreaker for you then you need to keep looking for high earners.

OP here.
Is it unreasonable for a woman to want to be a SAHM? This is only during the kids early years. Why don’t men find it mutually beneficial?
Should I just give up on that wish?
Where did all SAHM here find men who didn’t find it unreasonable?

You need to date men who share your values, particularly on family and early childhood care. Dh and I met when we were 20 and didn't have kids until 36. In the intervening years, we discussed and prepared for me to sah. Even though I worked and saved for many years, it was a sacrifice to live on one income. We both wanted our kids cared for by us, especially for the first 2 years. I don't regret a day I spent at home with my kids. I met many parents who worked part time and/or flex schedules to minimize day care time and maximize family time. I think that is a good compromise IF the father also wants to care for the kids. That way, you keep a foot in the working world.

This that is a capital IF and not a given is disgusting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long time ivy educated SAHM here - so, not stupid.

OP, this is a values issue. As you date moving forward, you can try and find a man who values family and parenting and when you are getting more serious tell him you envision parenting your children yourself, at least when they are little. I hope you find a guy who is aligned with your vision of how you want to raise kids.

Being a mom full time is the hardest, most rewarding thing I have ever done. I am not going to be on my death bed wishing I had spent most of my time away from my kids.

It must be sad for your husband that he didn't parent his children himself and will regret this on his deathbed.

I wonder if her Ivy-league brain will comprehend the fallacy of her statement. Probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always wanted to make my own money because I was very scared of not having economic independence and choices if I became a SAHM. I married the right partner for me - an amazing man who has supported and been an equal partner in all decisions of our employment+childcare and has worked with me.

When we had our second kid, we were in our late 30s and financially in a good place so power dynamics shifting within a marriage was not an issue if I became a SAHM. By that time, we had been with each other for 18 years. We had already thrown money on getting all kind of support - cleaning, lawn, cooking - etc but BOTH OF US felt that we did not have a lot of time with each other and our kids were having a very frantic life. We felt bad when we had to make our kids go to camps or daycare etc. So, DH asked me if I could stay back (I was making 1/3rd of his income by that time, so my DH would not leave his job). Meanwhile, when we started making good money, we also had a lot more deliverables and stressors at work.

We had always been very careful with money and we had made sure that our fixed costs and subsequently COL was quite low, since the beginning of our marriage. So, it was technically possible for me to stay back. However, I did not want to leave my career (where I had clawed my way up) and then have to come back after a few years and start from bottom again. I always wanted to work and it was part of my identity and I also had solid credentials. While I had changed careers three times to accommodate moving for my DH's career, I did not want to do it once again.

The conversation then moved from me being SAHM for a few years to being a SAHM forever. My ask was very simple - I wanted x amount of money every month, I wanted our kids college (4 years of in-state tuition each) sorted and I wanted our retirement taken care of. If my DH could do that, + have no expectation of me ever going back unless I wanted to, + I could continue having the support structure (cleaning lady, yard work, part time cook) then I would look into that.

Now, my DH had also seen how difficult it was for both of us to juggle life, work and childcare so he was begging me to become a SAHM and understood that it would be a career sacrifice for me. While we had a good amount of money, the demand on our times was impacting our personal life in a big way. On top of that, both of us are devoted parents and wanted our kids to have the comfort and security of having a SAH parent. Something which was available to both of us when we were growing up. We both were totally against someone else raising our children.

So, while I was somewhat unhappy to leave a promising career at that time for some time - the time with my kids was precious. In our case, the intangible benefits of a super educated and dedicated mom has been tremendous for my kids and I am quite happy with how everything turned out.

Financially - We were insured heavily. DH and I had a number of hefty term life insurance which would have covered me and the kids forever (house, college, med school, wedding, travelling the world, retirement for me) without me having to go back to work ever if something bad happened/. We did not have pre-nup etc, plus my DH has a very good pension. Also, solid marriage, no abuse/addiction/adultery - etc. My DH has always been a green flag.

In our case, we did not start off our relationship with me wanting to be a SAHM. We were married for 15 years and been together longer than that, when I quit for good. It was a career sacrifice that was respected and happened after we became parents and we had money.

But, I also knew my DH since we both were 19, we both grew up together, we did not have emotional baggage or failed relationships, we both were very well educated, we both came from functional & intact families with SAHMs, we had solid marriage. There was a whole lot of history, compatibility, years, trust and love between us. He made sure that I (and kids) was always financially protected - insurance, pension, assets etc.

I think when you ask to be a SAHM when you start dating ... it is a very different mindset and most men would be leery of being with you.

Thanks, AI.

[Anonymous]

My dh didn't want a sahm. We did discuss prior to getting engaged. He wanted a marriage of equals. He didn't want to have to work 80 hour weeks and never see his kids in order to make the kind of money you need to have a sahm. His mom had always worked. If we had been forced into it (like if we'd had a severely disabled child), he would have been okay with it. We both made lots of conscious decisions so that we could equally be there for our children- short commutes, flexible jobs and took lower pay to do so. I personally prioritized having a husband who is home for dinner 5 nights a week, husband who has time to coach the kid soccer games over me staying at home. We both have still been professionally successful and make about 175k each, but we both could make a lot more if we prioritized work over our kids.

Also, OP- why do you want to be the one to SAH? What if you were the one who worked and your husband stayed at home? I think it's sexist to think that only the woman should stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

You make some weird assumptions. I wasn’t low income but nannies aren’t cheap and you need to pay payroll taxes on top of salary. You do that out of your post-tax income. In addition, my job involved other expenses like monthly parking and wardrobe. I would have still brought in income but it didn’t feel like enough to be worth being away from my baby 40 hours a week once all was said and done. For some people, it would have been and that’s fine too. Everybody has their own equation.

It’s like the marshmallow test. Nobody is saying nannies aren’t a huge expense. But the expense is time limited. When you look into the future, control for savings, future earning potential, etc, unless you don’t have career prospects, it is usually better (financially) to stay working. I always wonder at people who make calculations based on today’s take home pay. That being said, there are a ton of non purely financial reasons that someone could choose to be a stay at home parent.

Also, I doubt the PP could explain how payroll taxes for nannies work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Understanding that men and women are different, with different strengths they use to better their family, is part of sharing the same values. If you believe that men and women are equally called to nurture small children, then staying at home isn’t for you.

I wonder how many people advocating against being a SAHM even for a few years when the kids are little, honestly would feel comfortable with their children having a male pre k or kindergarten teacher.

I work and my daughter had a male K teacher. He was amazing. You're not making SAHMs look good by saying they wouldn't want their child (apparently of any gender, per you) having a male teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

With overtime our nanny was averaging around $85,000 a year for our 3 kids, for the 8 years she worked with us. We offered benefits too. It’s nothing to sneeze at.

But the point is not how much you spend on nanny. The point is nanny’s salary was your own earning potential. If you were making $200k yourself you would have questioned the decision to stay home

You're omitting a few things: After tax cost of nanny is not the same as after tax marginal revenue from a second job esp. of it puts the family in higher state and federal brackets; frictional costs; you don't get to raise your own children which I guess suits some people just fine; and most importantly, your nanny probably isn't anything like Julie Andrews, and if she is, you're probably setting yourself up to be divorced once your husband falls in love with a woman who is actually raising his kids

Can you tell me how tax brackets work? Please?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been a SAHM for 20 years. When DH and I were dating, I was clear that I wanted to stay home with the kids at least until they were in elementary school. He supported my decision. I had a good career before kids and I kept up professional certifications while SAH, but DH and I quickly realized how much easier life was with me being at home to handle appointments, snow days, school breaks, and all the other time sucks. Add in an aging parent with complicated medical conditions, and I never went back. Occasionally, I regret not staying in the workforce but financially we are ok. I’ve lived long enough to realize that time is our most precious asset and I loved the time I spent at home with my kids and wouldn’t trade it for the world. I recognize that others make different choices and that’s okay. If you want to SAH, make sure you have that conversation before getting serious with someone.

Good thing your kids had one parent who wanted to spend time with them.