Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think it's about being a SAHM. It's about you appearing to have no ambition.
To declare this intention early on in a relationship is a turn-off. Imagine dating someone who can only speak of the day they retire and where they want to convalesce.

I say this as a former SAHM. I brought a lot of value to the role. DH was barely involved with the children in the early years and admitted to himself that he wanted me to be the main parent. I also managed the full gut of the cheap real estate purchased to make it a family home (and increase value exponentially). I did plumbing, electrical, carpentry and created an e-commerce site before the kids entered K. Once that happened, I got a part-time job. Even as a currently full-time working mom, I took apart the the 20 year old washing machine today, on my "free"time weekend to investigate why the motor won't move (old brushes, easy $15 replacement).
I also tutored my kids for the SHSAT and SATs. DH credits me solely for their college outcome. Working was actually far more relaxing than being a SAHM and manager of all household and personal issues. I brought more value than I would have as a FT WOHM during those years.
If you possess these kinds of attributes, I am sure the SAHM discussion would be palatable as it is essentially a value proposition.

And you found this attractive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband complains and I know it’s stressful for him to be the sole breadwinner but he also wants to do nothing but work (as in, he wants to go to work and have that be his only contribution to our household - I do literally everything else for the kids, pets, household, etc. entirely by myself) and he knows that won’t fly if I also work so he doesn’t push the issue.

Why did your DH even get married and have a family if he wants nothing to do with you, your kids, or family life.

Seriously!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your career? Hopefully something easy like teaching so you can get back into it easily.

I hope you mean easy to get back into instead of an easy career. Otherwise please follow me around for a day cause I have a few kids who will knock you on your @ss and send you home exhausted and defeated and teach you just how "easy" it is.

Maybe those kids didn't have a sahm.

Ha, to the contrary, in fact!

[Anonymous]

I think any defensive SAHMs who made the call to stop working 20 years ago need to just stop. The reality is very different now. I am glad you had fun with your kids and it all worked out for you! If you had family money to fall back on amazing and congratulations. The truth is during those little kid years where a lot of the value being home is are really challenging years financially for many families and men DO feel incredibly stressed if they are the sole provider and their spouse is saying she will not work again no matter what, plus they know better than you how unlikely it is you will be hired back at all in many fields. We have friends who have been actively looking for work for more than 2 years now, going on interviews and keeping up their training to try and be more appealing and it’s just not working out. In both cases these are men whose household income is now entirely provided by their wives “smaller” jobs. It’s rough out there!!!

I work part time and feel very grateful to have had that option. We are doing well now financially and I may someday be able to give my kids the financial security that some of the PP enjoyed to stay home without fear.

So on my deathbed I will be glad I supported my husband and made sure my kids have a ton of options going forward. I will also treasure every moment that I had with my kids. The two are not mutually exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Every couple has to decide how they want to live their lives. It can be two ambitious partners with lots of hired help, two work-life balance partners with hands on parenting with some help, one chill and one ambitious partner with divided responsibilities or some totally different set up which suits their vision. They can also switch roles, change careers, take more responsibility or whatever at any phase according to a mutual agreement. What's important is to have a healthy, happy setup and financially sustainable for whole family. It can be accomplished with $200k for some while others may prefer an $800k lifestyle. To each their own. No couple needs approval of others or follow others, what works for one, may not work for others. Live and let live!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every couple has to decide how they want to live their lives. It can be two ambitious partners with lots of hired help, two work-life balance partners with hands on parenting with some help, one chill and one ambitious partner with divided responsibilities or some totally different set up which suits their vision. They can also switch roles, change careers, take more responsibility or whatever at any phase according to a mutual agreement. What's important is to have a healthy, happy setup and financially sustainable for whole family. It can be accomplished with $200k for some while others may prefer an $800k lifestyle. To each their own. No couple needs approval of others or follow others, what works for one, may not work for others. Live and let live!

Well said, pp.

[Anonymous]

Nobody is mentioning the importance of saving for the $200K it will cost to send each of these kids to college. I doubt these kids want their mom sitting at home while they're in middle school and then making them take the max student loans when it's time for college because the parents didn't have the ability to save that much for each of the 3 kids on just dad's salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every couple has to decide how they want to live their lives. It can be two ambitious partners with lots of hired help, two work-life balance partners with hands on parenting with some help, one chill and one ambitious partner with divided responsibilities or some totally different set up which suits their vision. They can also switch roles, change careers, take more responsibility or whatever at any phase according to a mutual agreement. What's important is to have a healthy, happy setup and financially sustainable for whole family. It can be accomplished with $200k for some while others may prefer an $800k lifestyle. To each their own. No couple needs approval of others or follow others, what works for one, may not work for others. Live and let live!

What does that have to do with the OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every couple has to decide how they want to live their lives. It can be two ambitious partners with lots of hired help, two work-life balance partners with hands on parenting with some help, one chill and one ambitious partner with divided responsibilities or some totally different set up which suits their vision. They can also switch roles, change careers, take more responsibility or whatever at any phase according to a mutual agreement. What's important is to have a healthy, happy setup and financially sustainable for whole family. It can be accomplished with $200k for some while others may prefer an $800k lifestyle. To each their own. No couple needs approval of others or follow others, what works for one, may not work for others. Live and let live!

Well said, pp.

Perfectly stated! I don’t know why people are so ugly to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is mentioning the importance of saving for the $200K it will cost to send each of these kids to college. I doubt these kids want their mom sitting at home while they're in middle school and then making them take the max student loans when it's time for college because the parents didn't have the ability to save that much for each of the 3 kids on just dad's salary.

I SAH and kids will finish college with no debt. Granted, they won’t be going to $100k/year private schools but very decent publics.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine in med school broke up with a few boyfriends because she wanted to be both a surgeon and a mom, so she needed to find a man who didn’t want a big career and wanted to support hers instead. It’s hard, but if you know what you want, it’s better to be upfront with a potential spouse. Pulling a bait and switch isn’t good for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is mentioning the importance of saving for the $200K it will cost to send each of these kids to college. I doubt these kids want their mom sitting at home while they're in middle school and then making them take the max student loans when it's time for college because the parents didn't have the ability to save that much for each of the 3 kids on just dad's salary.

OP only wants to stay home until the kids are in school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend (32) and I (30) just ended our relationship. I’m really heartbroken. We had been together for a year and were even discussing getting engaged and married. We talked about having kids too. We both want to have kids (2 and maybe 3).
I don’t want to put my kids in daycare. I want to be a stay-at-home mom until they start school.
He doesn’t agree with this plan. We both have jobs and earn about the same amount. I believe we could manage on one income.
After two months of arguing about this, we decided to break up.
This isn’t the first time I’ve ended a relationship because the guy wasn’t okay with the idea of me being a SAHM.

There are a lot of SAHM on this board. I really need your advice. How did you persuade your husband to let you stay home?
A friend told me to not bring it up while dating because it will scare men. She recommended waiting until after I’m married and have kids. She said that they will be open up to it once they have children. Is that the right approach

Are there still guys out there in the dating world who are okay with that?
Where do I find them?

I’ve always been a working mom, but I’m so grateful to have a flexible job now that my kids are tweens/teens. If I had to pick between SAH when they were babies vs now I’d absolutely say now is more critical. I didn’t get it then when others said kids need you more when they’re older, but it’s so true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is mentioning the importance of saving for the $200K it will cost to send each of these kids to college. I doubt these kids want their mom sitting at home while they're in middle school and then making them take the max student loans when it's time for college because the parents didn't have the ability to save that much for each of the 3 kids on just dad's salary.

OP only wants to stay home until the kids are in school

If they have 2-3 kids then that could easily stretch to 10-15 years. Good luck getting a well-paying job at that age.

[Anonymous]

All the biddies who stayed home 50 years ago need to pack it away. The world has changed even if you have not.