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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I always wanted to make my own money because I was very scared of not having economic independence and choices if I became  a SAHM. I married the right partner for me - an amazing man who has supported and been an equal partner  in all decisions of our employment+childcare and has worked with me.

When we had our second kid, we were in our late 30s and financially in a good place so power dynamics shifting within a marriage was not an issue if I became a SAHM.  By that time, we had been with each other for 18 years. We had already thrown money on getting all kind of support - cleaning, lawn, cooking - etc but BOTH OF US felt that we did not have a lot of time with each other and our kids were having a very frantic life.  We felt bad when we had to make our kids go to camps or daycare etc.  So, DH asked me if I could stay back (I was making 1/3rd of his income by that time, so my DH would not leave his job).   Meanwhile, when we started making good money, we also had a lot more deliverables and stressors at work.

We had always been very careful with money and we had made sure that our fixed costs and subsequently COL was quite low, since the beginning of our marriage. So, it was technically possible for me to stay back.   However, I did not want to leave my career (where I had clawed my way up) and then have to come back after a few years and start from bottom again.  I always wanted to work and it was part of my identity and I also had solid credentials.  While I had changed careers three times to accommodate moving for my DH's career, I did not want to do it once again.

The conversation then moved from me being SAHM for a few years to being a SAHM forever.  My ask was very simple - I wanted x amount of money every month, I wanted our kids college (4 years of in-state tuition each) sorted and I wanted our retirement taken care of.   If my DH could do that, + have no expectation of me ever going back unless I wanted to, + I could continue having the support structure (cleaning lady, yard work, part time cook)  then I would  look into that.

Now, my DH had also seen how difficult it was for both of us to juggle life, work and childcare so he was begging me to become a SAHM and understood that it would be a career sacrifice for me. While we had a good amount of money, the demand on our times was impacting our personal life in a big way.   On top of that, both of us are  devoted parents and wanted our kids to have the comfort and security of having a  SAH parent.  Something which was available to both of us when we were growing up.   We both were totally against someone else raising our children.

So, while I was somewhat unhappy to leave a promising career at that time for some time - the time with my kids was precious. In our case, the intangible benefits of a super educated and dedicated mom has been tremendous for my kids and I am quite happy with how everything turned out.

Financially - We were insured heavily.  DH and I had a number of hefty term life insurance which would have covered me and the kids  forever (house, college, med school, wedding, travelling the world, retirement for me) without me having to go back to work ever if something bad happened/. We did not have pre-nup etc, plus my DH has a very good pension.  Also, solid marriage, no abuse/addiction/adultery - etc.  My DH has always been a green flag.

In our case, we did not start off our relationship with me wanting to be a SAHM.  We were married for 15 years and been together longer than that, when I quit for good.   It was a career sacrifice that was respected and happened after we became parents and we had money.

But, I also knew my DH since we both were 19, we both grew up together, we did not have emotional baggage or failed relationships, we both were very well educated, we both came from functional & intact families with SAHMs, we had solid marriage.  There was a whole lot of history, compatibility, years, trust and love between us.  He made sure that  I (and kids) was  always financially protected - insurance, pension, assets etc.

I think when you ask to be a SAHM when you start dating ... it is a very different mindset and most men would be leery of being with you. [/quote]

Thanks, AI. [/quote]

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