Stay at home mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

But it also shows that men prefer to marry women like that. Low paid, subservant, easy to control . Even at expense of him becoming a sole breadwinner under high jobless stress whole life

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!
-sahm who runs it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. My youngest is a senior. DH has been mostly supportive. I do not regret being home but I have been unable to break back into the workforce. I tried a few years ago and didn’t land more than a handful of interviews and wound up very underemployed. Eventually, I quit. So make sure you understand the risks! Nowadays, it can be scary to depend on a man. I hope DD will keep working when she becomes a parent for her own security. I love DH but I would be in trouble if he walked out.

How did I get DH to support the idea? I didn’t set out to be a SAHM when we dated. My own mom worked. But I did always think it sounded like it could be nice so we bought our first home on one income so we’d have the option. When I did actually get pregnant, we realized how expensive a nanny would be relative to my salary, so we started to seriously consider my quitting. To reassure DH we could get by, we put all my salary in savings to see what life was like on one paycheck. It went well so we figured I’d stay home until K. It wasn’t without sacrifices. No fancy cars or trips. No shows or concerts. But we didn’t mind. However, the timeline reset with each child. DH really valued my contributions and how it made everyone’s life less stressful so it worked out. But in recent years with an uncertain economy and inflation, he has become understandably nervous. We are financially stable with college covered and reasonable retirement savings (though far from our goal). I think it’s a lot of stress for the sole earner. I admit I wouldn’t want my sons to be in that boat.

I’m always amazed by women on here and irl whose earning potential equals the one of a nanny. It’s almost fascinating how many low income women there are on this board. I’m glad you’re all finding husbands to support you, because otherwise it would be tough for you out there.

But it also shows that men prefer to marry women like that. Low paid, subservant, easy to control . Even at expense of him becoming a sole breadwinner under high jobless stress whole life

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!
-sahm who runs it all.

Some of us don't want a man we have to manipulate while manipulating him into thinking we aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have three kids two years apart you will be out of the workforce for 9-10 years depending when their birthdays fall. More if the spacing is not quite so aggressive. That is a long time. Sole breadwinner is not going to be for everyone just as being a stay at home parent won't. You don't say what the salaries are, but this would make a difference too.

I became a stay at home mom recently (not entirely by choice) and my husband is totally stressed about being the sole earner.

I think it is fine to want to be a SAHM, but life is long and full of tough choices. I’d be flexible on the issue. Someone car get hurt, get fired. What is you make more money? Or maybe you end up not having kids for whatever reason. I think the inflexibility would bother me most.

Like - it is this way or we break up. I think you have to see how things go and where you are in life and discuss with your partner at that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's your career? Hopefully something easy like teaching so you can get back into it easily.

I hope you mean easy to get back into instead of an easy career. Otherwise please follow me around for a day cause I have a few kids who will knock you on your @ss and send you home exhausted and defeated and teach you just how "easy" it is.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been a SAHM for 20 years. When DH and I were dating, I was clear that I wanted to stay home with the kids at least until they were in elementary school. He supported my decision. I had a good career before kids and I kept up professional certifications while SAH, but DH and I quickly realized how much easier life was with me being at home to handle appointments, snow days, school breaks, and all the other time sucks. Add in an aging parent with complicated medical conditions, and I never went back. Occasionally, I regret not staying in the workforce but financially we are ok. I’ve lived long enough to realize that time is our most precious asset and I loved the time I spent at home with my kids and wouldn’t trade it for the world. I recognize that others make different choices and that’s okay. If you want to SAH, make sure you have that conversation before getting serious with someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your career? Hopefully something easy like teaching so you can get back into it easily.

I hope you mean easy to get back into instead of an easy career. Otherwise please follow me around for a day cause I have a few kids who will knock you on your @ss and send you home exhausted and defeated and teach you just how "easy" it is.

What always amazes me is how misbehaved loud and obnoxious American kids are . Despite many raised by SAHMs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s worried that you’ll be a SAHM forever. Unless one spouse is making a really high income or you have family money it’s going to be tight to run a household with 3 kids.

OP here.
My mom was a SAHM. My dad was just middle class. They made it work.

Wake up and smell the coffee. We’re not in the 70s or 80s.

+1

The economics and risks are entirely different.

But the reality of raising kids you only see 1.5hrs/day isn’t any different.

Today’s College-Educated Parents Spend a Lot More Time with Their Kids than Any Parents Did in the 1970s

https://www.brookings.edu/articles/chart-todays-college-educated-parents-spend-a-lot-more-time-with-their-kids-than-any-parents-did-in-the-1970s/

[Anonymous]

Any women who knows in the dating phase that she wants to stay home: giant red flag. These women are simply women who don’t want to work. In a paid job or in the house. They inevitably are lousy sahms.

Any man who actively wants to date these types of women (ie a man super cool with a girlfriend who only wants to stay home): those guys are also red flags. Because a guy who prefers a woman whose job it is to support him is not a guy you want to be with.

Regardless, op sounds like an idiot and that alone is a red flag

[Anonymous]

If this is what you want, you need to talk openly about it BEFORE you get engaged! I wanted to stay at home with my boys until they went to Kindergarten and that's what I did. I was upfront. It was the best thing I did. My boys are 12 now. I went back to work when they started school and while I sacrificed 5 years of income, the time with them was precious. Find a man who will support this for you and your family. You are not planning to be a SAHM for 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Find a man who wants the same things you want and will work hard to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think it's about being a SAHM. It's about you appearing to have no ambition.
To declare this intention early on in a relationship is a turn-off. Imagine dating someone who can only speak of the day they retire and where they want to convalesce.

I say this as a former SAHM. I brought a lot of value to the role. DH was barely involved with the children in the early years and admitted to himself that he wanted me to be the main parent. I also managed the full gut of the cheap real estate purchased to make it a family home (and increase value exponentially). I did plumbing, electrical, carpentry and created an e-commerce site before the kids entered K. Once that happened, I got a part-time job. Even as a currently full-time working mom, I took apart the the 20 year old washing machine today, on my "free"time weekend to investigate why the motor won't move (old brushes, easy $15 replacement).
I also tutored my kids for the SHSAT and SATs. DH credits me solely for their college outcome. Working was actually far more relaxing than being a SAHM and manager of all household and personal issues. I brought more value than I would have as a FT WOHM during those years.
If you possess these kinds of attributes, I am sure the SAHM discussion would be palatable as it is essentially a value proposition.

[Anonymous]

My husband complains and I know it’s stressful for him to be the sole breadwinner but he also wants to do nothing but work (as in, he wants to go to work and have that be his only contribution to our household - I do literally everything else for the kids, pets, household, etc. entirely by myself) and he knows that won’t fly if I also work so he doesn’t push the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband complains and I know it’s stressful for him to be the sole breadwinner but he also wants to do nothing but work (as in, he wants to go to work and have that be his only contribution to our household - I do literally everything else for the kids, pets, household, etc. entirely by myself) and he knows that won’t fly if I also work so he doesn’t push the issue.

Why did your DH even get married and have a family if he wants nothing to do with you, your kids, or family life.

[Anonymous]

I think saying upfront that you want to SAH will attract and retain some weird/MAGA guys. I ended up scaling wayyyy back on work (part time and remote) for 4 years when our kids were tiny. But my DH was and is very progressive and would have said while dating that he only wanted an independent and career-driven woman. Kids change people and men have less understanding of that pre-kids. I didn’t plan to scale back at all, but COVID and life changed things and it all worked out. I’m back full time working now and loving it.

[Anonymous]

Every choice has pros and cons, pick a set that looks more suitable for you and your family.