Blindsided

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a now adult woman who was once a teen girl whose Dad did exactly what OP describes, allow me to remind the “what’s the big deal” posters that the trauma my dad inflicted on our family has never gone away. The complicated family holidays, the awkwardness at family events, the impending problems with health care proxies, estate division, and relationships with grandchildren…it just keeps going. My father imploded our lives because he met a woman who worshiped him (she was also a personality disordered soon to be alcoholic but that didn’t matter as much as her care of my dad’s ego).

People act like these choices exist in a vacuum. They don’t, and the reverberation effects just keep going. The people who call this “not a big deal” are effectively saying that the women and children affected by these men don’t matter. We do.

Life is messy. Grow up.

Says the cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is much much more common that he has an affair and does not leave. IME it's pretty uncommon that he actually up and leaves.

Naive “men” do this. He likely doesn’t know he’s going to get 50% custody, then walk that back. Or have to do something with the kids. He likely doesn’t know divorces take 6-24 mos in average, and can be very $$$ costly if you don’t mediate.

My friend’s husband, who was a work addict and couldn’t deal with family life, thought you could get divorced in one week!

Mine thought this too! I think he thought he could just click “me want divorce” and go back to his emails and slides.

When that didn’t happen he started to get energy from litigation and conflict. I think he’s been egged on by an attorney who’s taking advantage of his naivete. He’s easily spent $200k in legal fees and we have no progress to show for it. It’s possible he doesn’t understand the concept of billable hours.

I hope you froze and split all assets and bank accounts the minute the separation and divorce started.

A bulldog lawyer with an egotistical, naive client will drag out a divorce for sure. Or even end up in divorce court pissing away more money and time for the same or worse outcomes.

STBx thought he could screw me over with a holiday weekend, late Friday night email announcement, but he underestimated me. I was on the phone at 6 am on a Saturday with our financial advisor freezing everything joint and snapshotting all accounts. The he immediately took over as solely my advisor and moved STBX to someone else at the firm for his individual accounts.

The scary thing right now is STBX’s cash flow- he didn’t understand that he wouldn’t be able to cash out anything joint so he’s litigating on his post-separation salary. He was trying to play fast and loose with late payments for joint bills and stuff until temporary orders caught up with him.

He should have access to his 50% or the split.

And depending on the nature of the divorce you can argue one side pay all lawyer fees.

Don’t worry, he’s now paying my legal fees. He can have access to the joint stuff if he wants. He just has to file for it. He isn’t because he’s trying to avoid a new financial declaration in the hopes of hiding his new comp package. Unfortunately for him he doesn’t realize that he’ll have to do so to get to a final settlement unless he agrees to mediation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely think a lot of middle-aged men wildly underestimate how embarrassing it looks to blow up a multi-decade family.

You are not just leaving a wife. You are permanently altering your children’s lives.

You are splitting holidays. Creating two homes. Reducing stability. Weakening trust. Changing the emotional texture of childhood itself. Your kids now have to adapt to transitions, divided traditions, logistical stress, and the grief of watching their family fracture.

And for what, exactly? Validation? Excitement? Novelty? Escape from responsibility? A fantasy that a different woman or different life will fix something internal?

Also, it just looks bad…

A man abandoning a long-term partner and destabilizing his family in midlife rarely comes across as profound or evolved. Most of the time it reads as cliché. Like someone chasing self-reinvention at the expense of the people who built a life with him. Gross.

Irreparably harming your family /the people you are supposed to love the most is one of the worst things a person can do in life

Agree on all fronts + it’s typically a huge hit financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely think a lot of middle-aged men wildly underestimate how embarrassing it looks to blow up a multi-decade family.

You are not just leaving a wife. You are permanently altering your children’s lives.

You are splitting holidays. Creating two homes. Reducing stability. Weakening trust. Changing the emotional texture of childhood itself. Your kids now have to adapt to transitions, divided traditions, logistical stress, and the grief of watching their family fracture.

And for what, exactly? Validation? Excitement? Novelty? Escape from responsibility? A fantasy that a different woman or different life will fix something internal?

Also, it just looks bad…

A man abandoning a long-term partner and destabilizing his family in midlife rarely comes across as profound or evolved. Most of the time it reads as cliché. Like someone chasing self-reinvention at the expense of the people who built a life with him. Gross.

Irreparably harming your family /the people you are supposed to love the most is one of the worst things a person can do in life

Agree on all fronts + it’s typically a huge hit financially.

Mine filed right before a huge raise and after we’d sunk out liquidity into a more expensive house with the plan to rebuild our liquid assets with his new salary.

Huge hit for me, no big deal for him.

Parents, friends, siblings: no matter how poor your relatives start out or how great their intended partner seems, please please make it a family cultural standard to get both a pre-nup and post-nups whenever big life changes happen. I wish I had come from a family that understood these aren’t just for rich people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely think a lot of middle-aged men wildly underestimate how embarrassing it looks to blow up a multi-decade family.

You are not just leaving a wife. You are permanently altering your children’s lives.

You are splitting holidays. Creating two homes. Reducing stability. Weakening trust. Changing the emotional texture of childhood itself. Your kids now have to adapt to transitions, divided traditions, logistical stress, and the grief of watching their family fracture.

And for what, exactly? Validation? Excitement? Novelty? Escape from responsibility? A fantasy that a different woman or different life will fix something internal?

Also, it just looks bad…

A man abandoning a long-term partner and destabilizing his family in midlife rarely comes across as profound or evolved. Most of the time it reads as cliché. Like someone chasing self-reinvention at the expense of the people who built a life with him. Gross.

Irreparably harming your family /the people you are supposed to love the most is one of the worst things a person can do in life

Agree on all fronts + it’s typically a huge hit financially.

Mine filed right before a huge raise and after we’d sunk out liquidity into a more expensive house with the plan to rebuild our liquid assets with his new salary.

Huge hit for me, no big deal for him.

Parents, friends, siblings: no matter how poor your relatives start out or how great their intended partner seems, please please make it a family cultural standard to get both a pre-nup and post-nups whenever big life changes happen. I wish I had come from a family that understood these aren’t just for rich people.

Sisters, daughters, mothers, and friends: Always keep a separate brokerage account. Keep the premarital fund separate, then start a new one and continue contributing to it over time, but keep that one separate, too. The one you fund during marriage may eventually get split, but it will hold you over if you get blind sided. Possession is 9/10 of the law. All women need a separate emergency fund. I don't care if you think you married the best human on earth. This has been true for centuries and it will always be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often do you think this happens?

I caught up with a grad school friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 4 years. Married, 52, three daughters 12, 14, 17, lawyer. Husband is a lawyer too. No abuse, cheating , drugs or excessive alcohol according to her. Just a ho hum, one foot in front of the other marriage.

Husband came home from work one day last February and said:

"I'm done. I'm in love with a colleague (17 years younger) and I want a drama and trauma free divorce. Please don't make this messy for the girls. Please lets just end this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but I don't love you anymore."

It actually made me tear up typing this out because it's just so.... sad. She is a great person- so kind, funny, pretty and now she is.... in deep, deep depression.

Not that often.

But when it does, it’s obvious he cheated and dumped his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely think a lot of middle-aged men wildly underestimate how embarrassing it looks to blow up a multi-decade family.

You are not just leaving a wife. You are permanently altering your children’s lives.

You are splitting holidays. Creating two homes. Reducing stability. Weakening trust. Changing the emotional texture of childhood itself. Your kids now have to adapt to transitions, divided traditions, logistical stress, and the grief of watching their family fracture.

And for what, exactly? Validation? Excitement? Novelty? Escape from responsibility? A fantasy that a different woman or different life will fix something internal?

Also, it just looks bad…

A man abandoning a long-term partner and destabilizing his family in midlife rarely comes across as profound or evolved. Most of the time it reads as cliché. Like someone chasing self-reinvention at the expense of the people who built a life with him. Gross.

Irreparably harming your family /the people you are supposed to love the most is one of the worst things a person can do in life

Agree on all fronts + it’s typically a huge hit financially.

Mine filed right before a huge raise and after we’d sunk out liquidity into a more expensive house with the plan to rebuild our liquid assets with his new salary.

Huge hit for me, no big deal for him.

Parents, friends, siblings: no matter how poor your relatives start out or how great their intended partner seems, please please make it a family cultural standard to get both a pre-nup and post-nups whenever big life changes happen. I wish I had come from a family that understood these aren’t just for rich people.

Sisters, daughters, mothers, and friends: Always keep a separate brokerage account. Keep the premarital fund separate, then start a new one and continue contributing to it over time, but keep that one separate, too. The one you fund during marriage may eventually get split, but it will hold you over if you get blind sided. Possession is 9/10 of the law. All women need a separate emergency fund. I don't care if you think you married the best human on earth. This has been true for centuries and it will always be true.

Men should do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is much much more common that he has an affair and does not leave. IME it's pretty uncommon that he actually up and leaves.

Naive “men” do this. He likely doesn’t know he’s going to get 50% custody, then walk that back. Or have to do something with the kids. He likely doesn’t know divorces take 6-24 mos in average, and can be very $$$ costly if you don’t mediate.

My friend’s husband, who was a work addict and couldn’t deal with family life, thought you could get divorced in one week!

Mine thought this too! I think he thought he could just click “me want divorce” and go back to his emails and slides.

When that didn’t happen he started to get energy from litigation and conflict. I think he’s been egged on by an attorney who’s taking advantage of his naivete. He’s easily spent $200k in legal fees and we have no progress to show for it. It’s possible he doesn’t understand the concept of billable hours.

I hope you froze and split all assets and bank accounts the minute the separation and divorce started.

A bulldog lawyer with an egotistical, naive client will drag out a divorce for sure. Or even end up in divorce court pissing away more money and time for the same or worse outcomes.

STBx thought he could screw me over with a holiday weekend, late Friday night email announcement, but he underestimated me. I was on the phone at 6 am on a Saturday with our financial advisor freezing everything joint and snapshotting all accounts. The he immediately took over as solely my advisor and moved STBX to someone else at the firm for his individual accounts.

The scary thing right now is STBX’s cash flow- he didn’t understand that he wouldn’t be able to cash out anything joint so he’s litigating on his post-separation salary. He was trying to play fast and loose with late payments for joint bills and stuff until temporary orders caught up with him.

He should have access to his 50% or the split.

And depending on the nature of the divorce you can argue one side pay all lawyer fees.

Don’t worry, he’s now paying my legal fees. He can have access to the joint stuff if he wants. He just has to file for it. He isn’t because he’s trying to avoid a new financial declaration in the hopes of hiding his new comp package. Unfortunately for him he doesn’t realize that he’ll have to do so to get to a final settlement unless he agrees to mediation.

Yeah, idiots think they’re hiding money and files during a divorce and get offended when asked for basic stuff.

[Anonymous]

There’s a reason Belle Burden’s book is resonating so much. One person’s happiness often comes at the expense of everyone else’s.

[Anonymous]

The best thing you can do is give him a drama free divorce. It is best for your kids and your wallet. Litigation makes post divorce life harder. Don’t be stupid.

-divorced from an attorney

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is give him a drama free divorce. It is best for your kids and your wallet. Litigation makes post divorce life harder. Don’t be stupid.

-divorced from an attorney

Much like divorce itself, it only takes one person to turn a divorce litigious. And if they do you can’t just lay down and accept it; you have to match like for like for the safety and security of your children and your future.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I think what gets me about stories like this is how casually some people destroy entire ecosystems of human attachment.

A man wakes up at 52, feels bored or emotionally flat or newly validated by younger attention, and suddenly decades of shared life become disposable collateral damage.

Meanwhile his wife’s reality is shattered overnight and his daughters now carry this story into adulthood forever. Into their future relationships, trust, nervous systems, holidays, views of men, sense of stability, all of it.

And I know people love to say “well people deserve happiness.” Sure. But adulthood is partly about understanding that your pursuit of personal fulfillment can profoundly wound other people, especially the people who built their lives around you.

Also “please don’t make this messy for the girls” after detonating the family is honestly incredible. Like sir… you already made it messy. The trauma already happened. You left your wife of decades for a coworker 17 years younger and blew up your daughters’ sense of stability in one conversation. There is zero version of that which stays neat and un-messy just because you’d prefer it.

A lot of these men seem to think feeling empty at 50 means they married the wrong woman. Usually, it just means they’ve spent decades avoiding themselves and their own issues.

Then eventually they realize, too late, that the younger woman, the excitement, the validation, the fantasy of reinvention… did not actually fix whatever was broken internally in the first place. Meanwhile the wife and children lose the future they thought they were moving toward, and unlike the a**hole chasing reinvention, they didn't get a choice.

And the damage is not limited to the divorce years. It ripples forward for decades.

Every holiday forever.
Every family gathering.
Future weddings.
Grandchildren.
Who hosts Christmas.
Who feels comfortable “coming home.”
Who takes care of aging parents.
How money and inheritance get divided.
Whether siblings drift apart.
Whether the original children quietly feel replaced by the newer life.

People act like these are temporary disruptions. They’re not. In many families, the brokeness is forever.

Marriage is not a temporary self-improvement retreat you leave once it stops feeling exciting.

It is a commitment you made to actual human beings. Your spouse. Your children. Your family. The life you built.

You’re unhappy? Go to therapy. Develop emotional skills. Deal with your trauma. Get hobbies. Take up pickleball. Start lifting weights. Learn pottery. Touch grass. Welcome to middle age.

Life gets repetitive sometimes. Marriage gets hard sometimes. Parenting gets exhausting sometimes. That is adulthood.

The idea that “I deserve happiness” automatically justifies detonating a multi-decade family system is honestly one of the most narcissistic cultural narratives we’ve normalized.

I really look down on men who do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best thing you can do is give him a drama free divorce. It is best for your kids and your wallet. Litigation makes post divorce life harder. Don’t be stupid.

-divorced from an attorney

Much like divorce itself, it only takes one person to turn a divorce litigious. And if they do you can’t just lay down and accept it; you have to match like for like for the safety and security of your children and your future.

Also, he may say he wants a "drama-free divorce," meaning you accept the unconscionable terms he offers without a fight. You can't lie down and accept 10% of the marital assets and let him him 80%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think what gets me about stories like this is how casually some people destroy entire ecosystems of human attachment.

A man wakes up at 52, feels bored or emotionally flat or newly validated by younger attention, and suddenly decades of shared life become disposable collateral damage.

Meanwhile his wife’s reality is shattered overnight and his daughters now carry this story into adulthood forever. Into their future relationships, trust, nervous systems, holidays, views of men, sense of stability, all of it.

And I know people love to say “well people deserve happiness.” Sure. But adulthood is partly about understanding that your pursuit of personal fulfillment can profoundly wound other people, especially the people who built their lives around you.

Also “please don’t make this messy for the girls” after detonating the family is honestly incredible. Like sir… you already made it messy. The trauma already happened. You left your wife of decades for a coworker 17 years younger and blew up your daughters’ sense of stability in one conversation. There is zero version of that which stays neat and un-messy just because you’d prefer it.

A lot of these men seem to think feeling empty at 50 means they married the wrong woman. Usually, it just means they’ve spent decades avoiding themselves and their own issues.

Then eventually they realize, too late, that the younger woman, the excitement, the validation, the fantasy of reinvention… did not actually fix whatever was broken internally in the first place. Meanwhile the wife and children lose the future they thought they were moving toward, and unlike the a**hole chasing reinvention, they didn't get a choice.

And the damage is not limited to the divorce years. It ripples forward for decades.

Every holiday forever.
Every family gathering.
Future weddings.
Grandchildren.
Who hosts Christmas.
Who feels comfortable “coming home.”
Who takes care of aging parents.
How money and inheritance get divided.
Whether siblings drift apart.
Whether the original children quietly feel replaced by the newer life.

People act like these are temporary disruptions. They’re not. In many families, the brokeness is forever.

Marriage is not a temporary self-improvement retreat you leave once it stops feeling exciting.

It is a commitment you made to actual human beings. Your spouse. Your children. Your family. The life you built.

You’re unhappy? Go to therapy. Develop emotional skills. Deal with your trauma. Get hobbies. Take up pickleball. Start lifting weights. Learn pottery. Touch grass. Welcome to middle age.

Life gets repetitive sometimes. Marriage gets hard sometimes. Parenting gets exhausting sometimes. That is adulthood.

The idea that “I deserve happiness” automatically justifies detonating a multi-decade family system is honestly one of the most narcissistic cultural narratives we’ve normalized.

I really look down on men who do this.

I agree. Do you look down on women who do this, or do they have their reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think what gets me about stories like this is how casually some people destroy entire ecosystems of human attachment.

A man wakes up at 52, feels bored or emotionally flat or newly validated by younger attention, and suddenly decades of shared life become disposable collateral damage.

Meanwhile his wife’s reality is shattered overnight and his daughters now carry this story into adulthood forever. Into their future relationships, trust, nervous systems, holidays, views of men, sense of stability, all of it.

And I know people love to say “well people deserve happiness.” Sure. But adulthood is partly about understanding that your pursuit of personal fulfillment can profoundly wound other people, especially the people who built their lives around you.

Also “please don’t make this messy for the girls” after detonating the family is honestly incredible. Like sir… you already made it messy. The trauma already happened. You left your wife of decades for a coworker 17 years younger and blew up your daughters’ sense of stability in one conversation. There is zero version of that which stays neat and un-messy just because you’d prefer it.

A lot of these men seem to think feeling empty at 50 means they married the wrong woman. Usually, it just means they’ve spent decades avoiding themselves and their own issues.

Then eventually they realize, too late, that the younger woman, the excitement, the validation, the fantasy of reinvention… did not actually fix whatever was broken internally in the first place. Meanwhile the wife and children lose the future they thought they were moving toward, and unlike the a**hole chasing reinvention, they didn't get a choice.

And the damage is not limited to the divorce years. It ripples forward for decades.

Every holiday forever.
Every family gathering.
Future weddings.
Grandchildren.
Who hosts Christmas.
Who feels comfortable “coming home.”
Who takes care of aging parents.
How money and inheritance get divided.
Whether siblings drift apart.
Whether the original children quietly feel replaced by the newer life.

People act like these are temporary disruptions. They’re not. In many families, the brokeness is forever.

Marriage is not a temporary self-improvement retreat you leave once it stops feeling exciting.

It is a commitment you made to actual human beings. Your spouse. Your children. Your family. The life you built.

You’re unhappy? Go to therapy. Develop emotional skills. Deal with your trauma. Get hobbies. Take up pickleball. Start lifting weights. Learn pottery. Touch grass. Welcome to middle age.

Life gets repetitive sometimes. Marriage gets hard sometimes. Parenting gets exhausting sometimes. That is adulthood.

The idea that “I deserve happiness” automatically justifies detonating a multi-decade family system is honestly one of the most narcissistic cultural narratives we’ve normalized.

I really look down on men who do this.

I agree. Do you look down on women who do this, or do they have their reasons?

NP but absolutely I look down on anyone who does this. How often do we read here about people recommending divorce because their husband leaves his socks lying around. As long as both partners are fundamentally good people, make it work. Being boring or sloppy is grounds for a conversation, not shattering the family.