Blindsided

[Anonymous]

As a now adult woman who was once a teen girl whose Dad did exactly what OP describes, allow me to remind the “what’s the big deal” posters that the trauma my dad inflicted on our family has never gone away. The complicated family holidays, the awkwardness at family events, the impending problems with health care proxies, estate division, and relationships with grandchildren…it just keeps going. My father imploded our lives because he met a woman who worshiped him (she was also a personality disordered soon to be alcoholic but that didn’t matter as much as her care of my dad’s ego).

People act like these choices exist in a vacuum. They don’t, and the reverberation effects just keep going. The people who call this “not a big deal” are effectively saying that the women and children affected by these men don’t matter. We do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, if you’re in the area, I think I know who you’re talking about. You didn’t do such a good job with changing the details. I would ask for this thread to be deleted.

bump for OP although i think she's NOT in DMV

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Op, if you’re in the area, I think I know who you’re talking about. You didn’t do such a good job with changing the details. I would ask for this thread to be deleted. [/quote]

Not Op and live in the middle of the country and have a friend nearby who this could describe as well as a friend on the west coast. It is so, so common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often do you think this happens?

I caught up with a grad school friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 4 years. Married, 52, three daughters 12, 14, 17, lawyer. Husband is a lawyer too. No abuse, cheating , drugs or excessive alcohol according to her. Just a ho hum, one foot in front of the other marriage.

Husband came home from work one day last February and said:

"I'm done. I'm in love with a colleague (17 years younger) and I want a drama and trauma free divorce. Please don't make this messy for the girls. Please lets just end this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but I don't love you anymore."

It actually made me tear up typing this out because it's just so.... sad. She is a great person- so kind, funny, pretty and now she is.... in deep, deep depression.

He thinks he's going to have a drama-free and trauma-free divorce with 3 daughters? That's so f'ing naive and hilarious. No man with daughters gets a divorce and a happily-ever-after with a new woman. He'll get the new woman or the daughters, but not both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely think a lot of middle-aged men wildly underestimate how embarrassing it looks to blow up a multi-decade family.

You are not just leaving a wife. You are permanently altering your children’s lives.

You are splitting holidays. Creating two homes. Reducing stability. Weakening trust. Changing the emotional texture of childhood itself. Your kids now have to adapt to transitions, divided traditions, logistical stress, and the grief of watching their family fracture.

And for what, exactly? Validation? Excitement? Novelty? Escape from responsibility? A fantasy that a different woman or different life will fix something internal?

Also, it just looks bad…

A man abandoning a long-term partner and destabilizing his family in midlife rarely comes across as profound or evolved. Most of the time it reads as cliché. Like someone chasing self-reinvention at the expense of the people who built a life with him. Gross.

It's never as cut and dry as people make it out to be. My close male friend in his 50s left his wife in a similar way to OP's but even though everyone might think they were doing great all these years they weren't. I don't think he was a perfect husband but she was constantly belittling him and created a lot of drama. The coworker he left her for is about 7 years younger so not that big of a difference, but she's also a really nice person who is calm and even. She is really pretty too and smart, but I truly think it was more about the fact that she's not the type of person to fly off the handle all the time and say cruel things to him like his wife did sometimes.

Belittled him how?

At work?

Or are you calling it belittling when your roommate tells you to pick up after yourself, or be on time, or don’t forget to do things you agreed to do, or don’t break the XYZ again?

What my STBX has told his handful of friends and his colleagues has no relationship to reality. I would be skeptical of whatever you hear from a divorced man, even if they’re your bff.

The mental case narcs always rewrite the narrative to be the victim.

Initially they’ll say some lame cliche like: we drifted apart, or I worked too much, or she was so difficult to talk with (as if he could even follow a family conversation).

Mine told everyone I was “mean” and “controlling”. With his work colleagues and his mom (he doesn’t have friends) it is apparent that he didn’t share his secret discontinuation of psychiatric meds, a mental breakdown, and physical abuse.

These aren’t the kinds of things one can casually share with acquaintances in order to correct the record and people are relieved to have a story that doesn’t make them have to rethink what they know about a person, so his narrative stands.

Only my best friends and my children’s closest friends’ parents know the real story and that’s to keep my kids and their kids safe.

I now assume that any cliched explanation about divorce is hiding some pretty dark stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely think a lot of middle-aged men wildly underestimate how embarrassing it looks to blow up a multi-decade family.

You are not just leaving a wife. You are permanently altering your children’s lives.

You are splitting holidays. Creating two homes. Reducing stability. Weakening trust. Changing the emotional texture of childhood itself. Your kids now have to adapt to transitions, divided traditions, logistical stress, and the grief of watching their family fracture.

And for what, exactly? Validation? Excitement? Novelty? Escape from responsibility? A fantasy that a different woman or different life will fix something internal?

Also, it just looks bad…

A man abandoning a long-term partner and destabilizing his family in midlife rarely comes across as profound or evolved. Most of the time it reads as cliché. Like someone chasing self-reinvention at the expense of the people who built a life with him. Gross.

Correct.

But they don’t care. And they certainly do not think ahead like that. That’s women’s work!

They are not mature, so do whatever makes their life easier. Not having a house, yard, kids and live in spouse to answer to is the easy way out, especially for failures.

You think they’re going to work on being a better adult or father?? No. They formally quit. Easy peasy. For them.

This. They were never marriage or parent material.

I guess whomever dates them next will just know to keep it light and fun. That’s all they’re good for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is much much more common that he has an affair and does not leave. IME it's pretty uncommon that he actually up and leaves.

Naive “men” do this. He likely doesn’t know he’s going to get 50% custody, then walk that back. Or have to do something with the kids. He likely doesn’t know divorces take 6-24 mos in average, and can be very $$$ costly if you don’t mediate.

My friend’s husband, who was a work addict and couldn’t deal with family life, thought you could get divorced in one week!

Mine thought this too! I think he thought he could just click “me want divorce” and go back to his emails and slides.

When that didn’t happen he started to get energy from litigation and conflict. I think he’s been egged on by an attorney who’s taking advantage of his naivete. He’s easily spent $200k in legal fees and we have no progress to show for it. It’s possible he doesn’t understand the concept of billable hours.

I hope you froze and split all assets and bank accounts the minute the separation and divorce started.

A bulldog lawyer with an egotistical, naive client will drag out a divorce for sure. Or even end up in divorce court pissing away more money and time for the same or worse outcomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you think this happens?

I caught up with a grad school friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 4 years. Married, 52, three daughters 12, 14, 17, lawyer. Husband is a lawyer too. No abuse, cheating , drugs or excessive alcohol according to her. Just a ho hum, one foot in front of the other marriage.

Husband came home from work one day last February and said:

"I'm done. I'm in love with a colleague (17 years younger) and I want a drama and trauma free divorce. Please don't make this messy for the girls. Please lets just end this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but I don't love you anymore."

It actually made me tear up typing this out because it's just so.... sad. She is a great person- so kind, funny, pretty and now she is.... in deep, deep depression.

He thinks he's going to have a drama-free and trauma-free divorce with 3 daughters? That's so f'ing naive and hilarious. No man with daughters gets a divorce and a happily-ever-after with a new woman. He'll get the new woman or the daughters, but not both.

The woman he can f*ck will always win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you think this happens?

I caught up with a grad school friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 4 years. Married, 52, three daughters 12, 14, 17, lawyer. Husband is a lawyer too. No abuse, cheating , drugs or excessive alcohol according to her. Just a ho hum, one foot in front of the other marriage.

Husband came home from work one day last February and said:

"I'm done. I'm in love with a colleague (17 years younger) and I want a drama and trauma free divorce. Please don't make this messy for the girls. Please lets just end this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but I don't love you anymore."

It actually made me tear up typing this out because it's just so.... sad. She is a great person- so kind, funny, pretty and now she is.... in deep, deep depression.

He thinks he's going to have a drama-free and trauma-free divorce with 3 daughters? That's so f'ing naive and hilarious. No man with daughters gets a divorce and a happily-ever-after with a new woman. He'll get the new woman or the daughters, but not both.

A lot of teens and young adults will first milk the money & gifts angle, or lackadaisical parenting time, for a long and large as possible.
Watch out for bad family values spreading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely think a lot of middle-aged men wildly underestimate how embarrassing it looks to blow up a multi-decade family.

You are not just leaving a wife. You are permanently altering your children’s lives.

You are splitting holidays. Creating two homes. Reducing stability. Weakening trust. Changing the emotional texture of childhood itself. Your kids now have to adapt to transitions, divided traditions, logistical stress, and the grief of watching their family fracture.

And for what, exactly? Validation? Excitement? Novelty? Escape from responsibility? A fantasy that a different woman or different life will fix something internal?

Also, it just looks bad…

A man abandoning a long-term partner and destabilizing his family in midlife rarely comes across as profound or evolved. Most of the time it reads as cliché. Like someone chasing self-reinvention at the expense of the people who built a life with him. Gross.

It's never as cut and dry as people make it out to be. My close male friend in his 50s left his wife in a similar way to OP's but even though everyone might think they were doing great all these years they weren't. I don't think he was a perfect husband but she was constantly belittling him and created a lot of drama. The coworker he left her for is about 7 years younger so not that big of a difference, but she's also a really nice person who is calm and even. She is really pretty too and smart, but I truly think it was more about the fact that she's not the type of person to fly off the handle all the time and say cruel things to him like his wife did sometimes.

Belittled him how?

At work?

Or are you calling it belittling when your roommate tells you to pick up after yourself, or be on time, or don’t forget to do things you agreed to do, or don’t break the XYZ again?

What my STBX has told his handful of friends and his colleagues has no relationship to reality. I would be skeptical of whatever you hear from a divorced man, even if they’re your bff.

The mental case narcs always rewrite the narrative to be the victim.

Initially they’ll say some lame cliche like: we drifted apart, or I worked too much, or she was so difficult to talk with (as if he could even follow a family conversation).

Mine told everyone I was “mean” and “controlling”. With his work colleagues and his mom (he doesn’t have friends) it is apparent that he didn’t share his secret discontinuation of psychiatric meds, a mental breakdown, and physical abuse.

These aren’t the kinds of things one can casually share with acquaintances in order to correct the record and people are relieved to have a story that doesn’t make them have to rethink what they know about a person, so his narrative stands.

Only my best friends and my children’s closest friends’ parents know the real story and that’s to keep my kids and their kids safe.

I now assume that any cliched explanation about divorce is hiding some pretty dark stuff.

Same.

I say he wanted managing his symptoms and didn’t want accountability for that. That’s why we divorced.

Most people don’t want the full download, that’s tacky.

Most people also believe that to decide to divorce meant you thought long and hard about it and tried many things before going that route. That’s what women do.

Midlife crisis self centered men do not.

[Anonymous]

* wasn’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is much much more common that he has an affair and does not leave. IME it's pretty uncommon that he actually up and leaves.

Naive “men” do this. He likely doesn’t know he’s going to get 50% custody, then walk that back. Or have to do something with the kids. He likely doesn’t know divorces take 6-24 mos in average, and can be very $$$ costly if you don’t mediate.

My friend’s husband, who was a work addict and couldn’t deal with family life, thought you could get divorced in one week!

Mine thought this too! I think he thought he could just click “me want divorce” and go back to his emails and slides.

When that didn’t happen he started to get energy from litigation and conflict. I think he’s been egged on by an attorney who’s taking advantage of his naivete. He’s easily spent $200k in legal fees and we have no progress to show for it. It’s possible he doesn’t understand the concept of billable hours.

I hope you froze and split all assets and bank accounts the minute the separation and divorce started.

A bulldog lawyer with an egotistical, naive client will drag out a divorce for sure. Or even end up in divorce court pissing away more money and time for the same or worse outcomes.

STBx thought he could screw me over with a holiday weekend, late Friday night email announcement, but he underestimated me. I was on the phone at 6 am on a Saturday with our financial advisor freezing everything joint and snapshotting all accounts. The he immediately took over as solely my advisor and moved STBX to someone else at the firm for his individual accounts.

The scary thing right now is STBX’s cash flow- he didn’t understand that he wouldn’t be able to cash out anything joint so he’s litigating on his post-separation salary. He was trying to play fast and loose with late payments for joint bills and stuff until temporary orders caught up with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a now adult woman who was once a teen girl whose Dad did exactly what OP describes, allow me to remind the “what’s the big deal” posters that the trauma my dad inflicted on our family has never gone away. The complicated family holidays, the awkwardness at family events, the impending problems with health care proxies, estate division, and relationships with grandchildren…it just keeps going. My father imploded our lives because he met a woman who worshiped him (she was also a personality disordered soon to be alcoholic but that didn’t matter as much as her care of my dad’s ego).

People act like these choices exist in a vacuum. They don’t, and the reverberation effects just keep going. The people who call this “not a big deal” are effectively saying that the women and children affected by these men don’t matter. We do.

Life is messy. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely think a lot of middle-aged men wildly underestimate how embarrassing it looks to blow up a multi-decade family.

You are not just leaving a wife. You are permanently altering your children’s lives.

You are splitting holidays. Creating two homes. Reducing stability. Weakening trust. Changing the emotional texture of childhood itself. Your kids now have to adapt to transitions, divided traditions, logistical stress, and the grief of watching their family fracture.

And for what, exactly? Validation? Excitement? Novelty? Escape from responsibility? A fantasy that a different woman or different life will fix something internal?

Also, it just looks bad…

A man abandoning a long-term partner and destabilizing his family in midlife rarely comes across as profound or evolved. Most of the time it reads as cliché. Like someone chasing self-reinvention at the expense of the people who built a life with him. Gross.

It's never as cut and dry as people make it out to be. My close male friend in his 50s left his wife in a similar way to OP's but even though everyone might think they were doing great all these years they weren't. I don't think he was a perfect husband but she was constantly belittling him and created a lot of drama. The coworker he left her for is about 7 years younger so not that big of a difference, but she's also a really nice person who is calm and even. She is really pretty too and smart, but I truly think it was more about the fact that she's not the type of person to fly off the handle all the time and say cruel things to him like his wife did sometimes.

Belittled him how?

At work?

Or are you calling it belittling when your roommate tells you to pick up after yourself, or be on time, or don’t forget to do things you agreed to do, or don’t break the XYZ again?

What my STBX has told his handful of friends and his colleagues has no relationship to reality. I would be skeptical of whatever you hear from a divorced man, even if they’re your bff.

The mental case narcs always rewrite the narrative to be the victim.

Initially they’ll say some lame cliche like: we drifted apart, or I worked too much, or she was so difficult to talk with (as if he could even follow a family conversation).

Mine told everyone I was “mean” and “controlling”.

With his work colleagues and his mom (he doesn’t have friends) it is apparent that he didn’t share his secret discontinuation of psychiatric meds, a mental breakdown, and physical abuse.

These aren’t the kinds of things one can casually share with acquaintances in order to correct the record and people are relieved to have a story that doesn’t make them have to rethink what they know about a person, so his narrative stands.

Only my best friends and my children’s closest friends’ parents know the real story and that’s to keep my kids and their kids safe.

I now assume that any cliched explanation about divorce is hiding some pretty dark stuff.

Mine said the same thing. And that I was impossible to talk too.

But would give no examples.

Yet everyone knew he wasn’t controlled at all.

He worked non stop, went to tons of work travel conferences, net working events.
Kept his office and areas of the house totally messy.
Bought BS in Amazon whenever he wanted.
Used to overeat and be obese before GLPs.
Never knew anyone’s life or schedule.
And ignored everyone. Thus everyone eventually ignored him back.

So he made no sense and contradicted his own behaviors right out of the gate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is much much more common that he has an affair and does not leave. IME it's pretty uncommon that he actually up and leaves.

Naive “men” do this. He likely doesn’t know he’s going to get 50% custody, then walk that back. Or have to do something with the kids. He likely doesn’t know divorces take 6-24 mos in average, and can be very $$$ costly if you don’t mediate.

My friend’s husband, who was a work addict and couldn’t deal with family life, thought you could get divorced in one week!

Mine thought this too! I think he thought he could just click “me want divorce” and go back to his emails and slides.

When that didn’t happen he started to get energy from litigation and conflict. I think he’s been egged on by an attorney who’s taking advantage of his naivete. He’s easily spent $200k in legal fees and we have no progress to show for it. It’s possible he doesn’t understand the concept of billable hours.

I hope you froze and split all assets and bank accounts the minute the separation and divorce started.

A bulldog lawyer with an egotistical, naive client will drag out a divorce for sure. Or even end up in divorce court pissing away more money and time for the same or worse outcomes.

STBx thought he could screw me over with a holiday weekend, late Friday night email announcement, but he underestimated me. I was on the phone at 6 am on a Saturday with our financial advisor freezing everything joint and snapshotting all accounts. The he immediately took over as solely my advisor and moved STBX to someone else at the firm for his individual accounts.

The scary thing right now is STBX’s cash flow- he didn’t understand that he wouldn’t be able to cash out anything joint so he’s litigating on his post-separation salary. He was trying to play fast and loose with late payments for joint bills and stuff until temporary orders caught up with him.

He should have access to his 50% or the split.

And depending on the nature of the divorce you can argue one side pay all lawyer fees.