I went to visit a swingers club for the first time. AMA

[Anonymous]

I'm laughng at the 'hot' part. There are literally zero hot moms or dads at my kids schools. Zero hot women who are middle aged at my work too. Methinks the bar is prety low. Hard pass.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Keep the questions as clean as you can and I will do my best to answer all posted here. I won’t name the exact club or day I went, but the visit was in the last month.

I’m doing this because it was way less scary than I built it up in my mind. I am hoping to help others who are curious and nervous about making the first step/visit.

How attractive were the people? Being propositioned by people I find unattractive and having to see them getting raunchy with each other would turn my stomach.

If you read through the thread, I address attractiveness at several points. If your stomach turns at the idea of someone that you don't find attractive enjoying their body or someone else's body, this is probably not the environment for you. I didn't see anyone that I found grossly unattractive, but had I, I would have just looked away. I don't know what your personal definition of attractiveness is because that is very personal, but please keep in mind that you might be someone's idea of unattractive. Body acceptance (yours and others) is key for enjoying a lifestyle club.

DP. But realistically it sounds like all the women there were in fact performing femininity (all dressed up, taking the role of the traditionally “sexy” one) whereas the men just put on a nice pair of slacks. Although I find the “lifestyle” clubs intriguing I think I would feel very off-put at the reproduction of mainstream gender stuff.

Performing femininity, or actually feminine? I am generally a feminine woman. I mean, today I'm in yoga pants and a sweatshirt, but if I leave the house, I'm generally in feminine presenting clothing. Would you have this same thought if I told you that I was wearing a dress and heels to work, which I do?

There were women there in longer dresses, jeans and a sweater, and other items that didn't show of their bodies. I don't think anyone would bat an eye if a woman showed up in a more neutral outfit. I chose to show up in a short dress.

But were any of the men showing skin or were they just standing around on the dance floor in khakis watching the “ladies” dance with their boobs out?

They were in their slacks. Most women did not have their boobs out- they were wearing club-y dresses, boobs tucked in. Of 60 people on the dance floor, maybe 4 women had their boobs out?

Would you want a bunch of guys with no pants hanging around? No judgement from me, but if that was your thing, I'm sure you could find a club that has more that type of vibe!

I don't necessarily want men with no pants on, but I most definitely do not want an atmosphere where women are there to be sexy and gawked at while men stand around in their "slacks."

I guess my question to you is- what do you define as sexy for a man? When I close my eyes and picture a sexy man he is typically wearing a well cut dark suit, a tight shirt that shows off his muscles, and nice shoes. So, for me, a bunch of well dressed men aren't a problem. I would probably be a bit uncomfortable if I walked in and all the guys were wearing just jock straps

You're not quite getting it. Yes that does sound nice (albeit not what you described) but the issue is that this club seems entirely designed for the, sorry to be hackneyed, "male gaze." That is not sexy to me in the slightest.

If you were going to create a dress code catering to the female gaze, what would it require?

DP but shirtless men for starters. Not interested in being all dressed up, being pushed up and out on display in front of dudes who look like management consultants

Try before you buy. Women are in skimpy outfits to gauge their body. The same should be for men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm laughng at the 'hot' part. There are literally zero hot moms or dads at my kids schools. Zero hot women who are middle aged at my work too. Methinks the bar is prety low. Hard pass.

"Were there hot people there?" is literally the stupidest possible question. It's a club full of people who are dtf. If you're a choosy person, well, that's your loss. Go have an experience. If you need a certain level of external stimulation to feel in the mood at a swingers club, you're not the clientele they're serving.

A lot of y'all can't turn yourselves on and it shows.

[Anonymous]

I had a completely different experience with such events. I have been with my partner for over 15 years and have been getting our feet wet in this lifestyle for the past 10. We are not living the lifestyle per se but rather having fun once a year or even every 2 years.
The events that I have been to were pretty awkward for me. A lot of overweight women and men with dad bodies, some trans women, and bisexual men (those i really liked.) Once during the play time the man could not perform.
We are now doing this with a one person that we veto.

[Anonymous]

PP I am a woman in my 40s, white, petite.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Glad you had fun OP! I'm in my 30s and my husband and I have been doing the swinger/ENM thing for a few years now. FWIW the club scene was thrilling at first but the novelty of screwing strangers wore off quickly after a while. We have much preferred being part of an ENM community that we found through Feeld. You may find a similar community through the couples you met, but if not, I'd encourage you to look for it if it turns out that non-monogamy is your thing but anonymous sex isn't.

Thanks for the input. I appreciate it. I am not sure where this journey is leading us, but I do imagine that over time going out to clubs will get tiring, just like when you're in your 20s and you tire of the regular club scene. I don't know that I'll ever be an anonymous sex gal, but we shall see. I would love for you to do an AMA on ENM. I feel like that is a step or 10 further than where Hubs and I are and I would like to learn more. BUT, I have no desire for multiple relationships/partners other than FOB. That sounds so exhausting.

We are still figuring out our boundaries with ENM, so not sure I'm ready to do an AMA on it. But that said, I use the term "ENM" intentionally because we are not polyamorous. We also have no desire for multiple relationships (at least at this point in our lives with big careers and little kids) - no time and we don't find the intro parts of dating to be all that enjoyable. Instead, we have developed this group of friends that regularly host parties at each others' homes. Sometimes they are larger with everyone, sometimes we organize smaller groups of 4 to 10 people. We've even met some single women through the group and had some enjoyable threesomes. The difficult part is that I, as a bisexual woman, get a lot more attention than my husband, a straight man. I have made some individual connections that I'd be interested in pursuing as FWBs, and even had a couple solo dates, but ultimately my husband has decided that he's not comfortable with me doing that regularly. I'm ok with that because my marriage is hands down the most important thing in my life, but it does result in some sexual frustration/disappointment on my part. But it's well worth it in the end - we've not only had amazing sexual experiences from this, but have made great friends too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing how unadventurous so much of the DCUM crowd is, based on the comments in this thread.

I’m adventurous but my idea of adventure isn’t to bang some uggo!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:😴🥱

OP strikes me as insecure and seeking validation and attention in a lot of different spaces.

You strike me as a woman that hates hot, sexy women

Hm, sure, you may think I am fat and ugly, if that makes you feel better. I am attractive. I just find OP (it is you?) super cringe in her telling of her night in a sex club. 🥱

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing how unadventurous so much of the DCUM crowd is, based on the comments in this thread.

Get a better definition of that word.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I appreciate you sharing, OP. And I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. From my perspective, it just sounds sad and empty (which I realize is a me issue). Did you worry about being recognized? And what was the cost financially?

I think this really depends on your personality. I’m an extrovert who has an exhibitionist streak. For me, going somewhere that I can dance with Hubs and talk to new people with my boobs out is heaven.

I didn’t worry about being recognized. I’m not a public figure so I assume that these people have no idea who I am. I will not see most of them again. If I do see them again, I assume that they have just as much interest in discretion as I do.

A monthly membership fee was about $30 and our entry for the night was about $50. We brought our own alcohol with us and they provide all mixers. We tipped the bartenders and attendants. So all in for about $110.

Gross. This is a low bar for entry. The “Membership Fee” is so low it serves no screening function and the cost for the evening is less than a few items at Whole Foods or Giant. At those prices you can be sure they aren’t washing the linens more than once a month and the “mixers” come from Costco. This doesn’t sound sexy it sounds cheap and tawdry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate you sharing, OP. And I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. From my perspective, it just sounds sad and empty (which I realize is a me issue). Did you worry about being recognized? And what was the cost financially?

I think this really depends on your personality. I’m an extrovert who has an exhibitionist streak. For me, going somewhere that I can dance with Hubs and talk to new people with my boobs out is heaven.

I didn’t worry about being recognized. I’m not a public figure so I assume that these people have no idea who I am. I will not see most of them again. If I do see them again, I assume that they have just as much interest in discretion as I do.

A monthly membership fee was about $30 and our entry for the night was about $50. We brought our own alcohol with us and they provide all mixers. We tipped the bartenders and attendants. So all in for about $110.

Gross. This is a low bar for entry. The “Membership Fee” is so low it serves no screening function and the cost for the evening is less than a few items at Whole Foods or Giant. At those prices you can be sure they aren’t washing the linens more than once a month and the “mixers” come from Costco. This doesn’t sound sexy it sounds cheap and tawdry.

“The linens”? Girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP I am a woman in my 40s, white, petite.

So the bi guy bangs both you and your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP I am a woman in my 40s, white, petite.

So the bi guy bangs both you and your husband?

Sometimes both of us, sometimes I get all the attention. It actually opened my eyes how many men are bisexual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP I am a woman in my 40s, white, petite.

So the bi guy bangs both you and your husband?

Sometimes both of us, sometimes I get all the attention. It actually opened my eyes how many men are bisexual.

This is confusing. Didn’t you just say your husband was straight ? Or it’s a different poster ?
OP - are you both straight ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP I am a woman in my 40s, white, petite.

So the bi guy bangs both you and your husband?

Sometimes both of us, sometimes I get all the attention. It actually opened my eyes how many men are bisexual.

This is confusing. Didn’t you just say your husband was straight ? Or it’s a different poster ?
OP - are you both straight ?

I am not the topic starter. I am the one who got dissapointed in group meetings. I am F straight, my partner M bi.