Husband annoyed at taking his injured daughter to urgent care

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

Leave it to DCUM to scream abuse and divorce and then explain why it was totally okay to leave the kid with the so-called abuser.

So wait do you think he is abusive or no? It sounds like you don't.

If he is actually abusive, then OP is asking the wrong question.

What question should she be asking?

How should I best protect my children from this point on.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

I didn’t say take both kids. Leave DH home with the *toddler” to do bedtime.

If you bothered to read - you would have read that the toddler is still nursing at night and OP thought her DH would have trouble getting him to sleep. This ultimately is not about who does what, but that in an emergency, the DH reacted with aggression instead of trying to solve the problem.

So? It’s time to wean the toddler establish better night time habits. In case of emergencies.

And also DH should stop being an abusive a-hole but I guess both of these things are equally important.

Op can only control OP. Every poster that says DH should do better is not contributing to a solution. Of course he should, but if he was controllable or knew how, he already would have.

Do you have any actual life experience with this? I do. Sometimes, angry abusive men who have struggled to stay calm while parenting young children can get better if they are made to realize their behavior is abusive. The first step is not divorce. The steps are:

1. Talk to DH and be very frank about his behavior and the impact on the children and you

2. If he isn't immediately receptive to that, talk to a therapist for advice for talking to DH/protecting yourself and children

3. Talk to an attorney about legal options, which may include divorce but we all know that's not an ideal solution, it's a last resort when all else fails because it (1) either leaves kids without a dad or with tons of unsupervised time with an abuser and (2) will have serious financial implications for OP which will of course also impact the children.

I probably didn't word that well, but we actually agree. All 3 of those steps are initiated by you and not passively waiting for him to change or saying he magically should have been better in the moment which doesn't contribute to a solution at the time when the kid needed medical care. Discussing and helping him get resources definitely has the potential to help long term.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

I didn’t say take both kids. Leave DH home with the *toddler” to do bedtime.

If you bothered to read - you would have read that the toddler is still nursing at night and OP thought her DH would have trouble getting him to sleep. This ultimately is not about who does what, but that in an emergency, the DH reacted with aggression instead of trying to solve the problem.

So? It’s time to wean the toddler establish better night time habits. In case of emergencies.

And also DH should stop being an abusive a-hole but I guess both of these things are equally important.

He probably won’t stop so OP should be giving up on the SAHM dream and get a job as the first step to independence. Is she willing to do that?

Is her DH going to allow her to do that?

How is he going to stop her?

Oh you sweet summer child. If only you knew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t see this as a dire situation. OP always gets her way. DH took the child to urgent care and got up with the other one in the night when OP wanted him to. She doesn’t seem very powerless here.

A concussion of a little girl who needed to be hospitalized is definitely a dire situation.

And the child got there. OPs title is her husband is “annoyed” and now everyone is acting like she’s a battered woman too scared to leave. Nah.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think you both let your DD down. If he was angry, you should have taken her. Surely you have frozen breast milk for your toddler.

Way to blame the victim

The victim is the child(ren). But aside from that, the fact that dad was wrong doesn't mean mom wasn't also wrong. Lots has caused this dynamic and led up to the reactions in this moment and you can't go back in time to get therapy right then. So you have to do what's possible right then.

In the moment, my priorities would have been getting older child medical care, getting older child emotional care, and then the toddler. That's why I said take the toddler in the car because DH was failing the first two. (Skip school or whatever tomorrow if he's exhausted because that's less important than priorities 1 and 2.) OP was more comfortable blaming him than taking charge.

Wow. OP did take charge and did get the children the care they need. The fact you are trying to twist this around and claim she did not is pretty spectacular. But sure, maybe she should have tiptoed on eggshells around her DH more effectively. So what now, where does that leave OP?
Op has to accept reality that her dh cannot handle the kids in any (but ideal) circumstances. She has to do double duty. In her place, I would've brought the nursing toddler to the urgent care along with the concussed child. No, it's not a great situation, but he probably said some abusive things to a child who was already suffering. You can't erase the harm he most surely did to that child.

Thank you for saying this: "Op has to accept reality that her dh cannot handle the kids in any (but ideal) circumstances." I'm the other poster who is getting jumped all over for saying the toddler should have gone too, but I strongly think that was the best of bad choices in the moment. The other posters are missing OP's contribution to the whole dynamic.

You lose me at “OP’s contribution to this whole dynamic.” OP is not contributing to her DH being a d*ck. She is reacting to it and coping with it. She did not “contribute” to him acting that way. I’m not clear on what your overall take here is - that OP needs to walk on ever more fragile eggshells forever? or what?

op is absolutely contributing to the bad situation through her enabling of her emotionally immature and, consequently, abusive dh. I wonder if he is also an alcoholic because his behavior is very much like that of an addict.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

I didn’t say take both kids. Leave DH home with the *toddler” to do bedtime.

If you bothered to read - you would have read that the toddler is still nursing at night and OP thought her DH would have trouble getting him to sleep. This ultimately is not about who does what, but that in an emergency, the DH reacted with aggression instead of trying to solve the problem.

So? It’s time to wean the toddler establish better night time habits. In case of emergencies.

And also DH should stop being an abusive a-hole but I guess both of these things are equally important.

He probably won’t stop so OP should be giving up on the SAHM dream and get a job as the first step to independence. Is she willing to do that?

Is her DH going to allow her to do that?

How is he going to stop her?

Oh you sweet summer child. If only you knew.

Sorry but that type of husband would never have even taken the child. Don’t be naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t see this as a dire situation. OP always gets her way. DH took the child to urgent care and got up with the other one in the night when OP wanted him to. She doesn’t seem very powerless here.

+1. My DH gets annoyed and grumpy when he is tired, woken up abruptly, etc. it doesn’t mean anything and he isn’t dangerous. I just give him some space so he can be grouchy without impacting me most days, but in an emergency he will snap at me and the kids occasionally and there isn’t time to get some caffeine in him first. Nobody’s perfect, I usually get an apology later. I think this is being blown entirely out of proportion.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think you both let your DD down. If he was angry, you should have taken her. Surely you have frozen breast milk for your toddler.

Way to blame the victim

The victim is the child(ren). But aside from that, the fact that dad was wrong doesn't mean mom wasn't also wrong. Lots has caused this dynamic and led up to the reactions in this moment and you can't go back in time to get therapy right then. So you have to do what's possible right then.

In the moment, my priorities would have been getting older child medical care, getting older child emotional care, and then the toddler. That's why I said take the toddler in the car because DH was failing the first two. (Skip school or whatever tomorrow if he's exhausted because that's less important than priorities 1 and 2.) OP was more comfortable blaming him than taking charge.

Wow. OP did take charge and did get the children the care they need. The fact you are trying to twist this around and claim she did not is pretty spectacular. But sure, maybe she should have tiptoed on eggshells around her DH more effectively. So what now, where does that leave OP?
Op has to accept reality that her dh cannot handle the kids in any (but ideal) circumstances. She has to do double duty. In her place, I would've brought the nursing toddler to the urgent care along with the concussed child. No, it's not a great situation, but he probably said some abusive things to a child who was already suffering. You can't erase the harm he most surely did to that child.

Thank you for saying this: "Op has to accept reality that her dh cannot handle the kids in any (but ideal) circumstances." I'm the other poster who is getting jumped all over for saying the toddler should have gone too, but I strongly think that was the best of bad choices in the moment. The other posters are missing OP's contribution to the whole dynamic.

You lose me at “OP’s contribution to this whole dynamic.” OP is not contributing to her DH being a d*ck. She is reacting to it and coping with it. She did not “contribute” to him acting that way. I’m not clear on what your overall take here is - that OP needs to walk on ever more fragile eggshells forever? or what?

op is a co dependant and enabler, that is her contribution to the household dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

So OP’s job is to always give her DH the easier option? OK.

It's not about the easier option. It is about protecting the children from his abuse. If op had left him with the crying toddler, he may have harmed him.

So it was okay to send DH with the injured kid who was openly angry with? You make no sense.

Most people with kids know that the way the kid is with one person isn’t the way they are with everyone. Someone like OP who thinks their toddler can only fall asleep one way with this overwrought routine is often surprised to learn that someone else can put him down with no problem. OP has painted herself in a corner here as wanting to be this primary caregiver because nobody else does it right, and then is surprised when it blows up, because emergencies happen. She needs to help her toddler be more resilient and fleixble.

She needs to make sure the toddler is more resilient and flexible in case the toddler’s father throws a tantrum and refuses to take the other child to the hospital. OK then!

There are other reasons to ween and no disagreement here on bedtimes with different parents - but I hope you can see how deranged what you wrote is.

When did the father say he wouldn’t put the toddler to bed? Control freak OP is the one saying only SHE can do it. She’s painted herself into a corner over a simple job.

Let me ask you this. Why in this scenario do you think it is self evident that OP should go to the hospital and DH should stay home? And why do you think the parents disagreement over how to split up these duties justifies getting angry at the child? How about the nosebleed incident?

If you’re the only parent alllowed to put a toddler to bed you have created a very bad dynamic. That has to change.

This is all OP's fault for not putting DH on hormones so he can produce breastmilk!

Did you know they make formula now? Or even cow’s milk for a toddler? Are you another mommy martyr?

My guess is that the DH is not very nurturing and may not have a good bond with the toddler. Yes of course it is totally normal for dads to give toddlers a bottle and put them to bed, but that requires the DH to be proactive about parenting and participating in soothing bedtime routines. Something tells me this guy is not like that. (Plus I note the hypocrisy of PPs claiming both that OP as a SAHM has no right to expect her DH to do anything, and criticizing her for exclusively handling bedtime.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just really over my husband's inability to control his temper during any kind of stressful parenting situation. Case in point, a couple days ago my 6 yo daughter came home from camp where she had a basketball hit her on the side of the head. Initially she seemed ok but around dinnertime started complaining of severe ear pain and a headache. Called her pediatrician who advised us to go to urgent care to get her checked out. As I'm still breastfeeding a young toddler, my husband was to take her and spent the entire time they were getting ready to go huffing around the house, slamming dresser drawers or whatever, because he was pissed that he had to go, because he didn't think her pain was "that bad" and "nobody gets a concussion from a basketball." Meanwhile this is while I'm comforting my daughter who is in a lot of pain. On the way out he slammed the front door. Cute. Turns out she had a pretty severe injury and ended up vomiting and dizzy and needed to be admitted to the hospital.. she's doing a lot better now but I'm just still so angry when I think about his temper tantrum about taking his injured kid to urgent care.

Oh and a few weeks ago our toddler had a nosebleed in the middle of the night and my husband and I were with him to help, and my husband was just so angry at having been woken up that he was cussing out the toddler,"WTF (toddler name!)! It's the middle of the night! ARRRGHHHH", and stomping around, meanwhile the poor kid can't help that he had a nosebleed and is scared and stressed out already and I'm trying to get both of them to calm down.

These are both medical examples but he loses it during any kind of mundane stress, kid won't get ready for school on time, kid isn't hungry and won't eat at dinner, kid isn't listening, whatever. Just normal everyday parental interactions he manages to get so worked up and makes every situation worse and way more stressful than it needs to be. We use an easy 1,2,3 then time-out strategy at our house when our kids our misbehaving, which works well for them, and he never remembers to use it, just lets himself get super annoyed and angry instead and then blows up. We talk about it and he admits he loses his patience too easily and feels bad but we never get beyond that.

Are you a SAHM? If so, do your job.

Get out of here with this misogyny. You’re disgusting. Children are the responsibility of both parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just really over my husband's inability to control his temper during any kind of stressful parenting situation. Case in point, a couple days ago my 6 yo daughter came home from camp where she had a basketball hit her on the side of the head. Initially she seemed ok but around dinnertime started complaining of severe ear pain and a headache. Called her pediatrician who advised us to go to urgent care to get her checked out. As I'm still breastfeeding a young toddler, my husband was to take her and spent the entire time they were getting ready to go huffing around the house, slamming dresser drawers or whatever, because he was pissed that he had to go, because he didn't think her pain was "that bad" and "nobody gets a concussion from a basketball." Meanwhile this is while I'm comforting my daughter who is in a lot of pain. On the way out he slammed the front door. Cute. Turns out she had a pretty severe injury and ended up vomiting and dizzy and needed to be admitted to the hospital.. she's doing a lot better now but I'm just still so angry when I think about his temper tantrum about taking his injured kid to urgent care.

Oh and a few weeks ago our toddler had a nosebleed in the middle of the night and my husband and I were with him to help, and my husband was just so angry at having been woken up that he was cussing out the toddler,"WTF (toddler name!)! It's the middle of the night! ARRRGHHHH", and stomping around, meanwhile the poor kid can't help that he had a nosebleed and is scared and stressed out already and I'm trying to get both of them to calm down.

These are both medical examples but he loses it during any kind of mundane stress, kid won't get ready for school on time, kid isn't hungry and won't eat at dinner, kid isn't listening, whatever. Just normal everyday parental interactions he manages to get so worked up and makes every situation worse and way more stressful than it needs to be. We use an easy 1,2,3 then time-out strategy at our house when our kids our misbehaving, which works well for them, and he never remembers to use it, just lets himself get super annoyed and angry instead and then blows up. We talk about it and he admits he loses his patience too easily and feels bad but we never get beyond that.

Are you a SAHM? If so, do your job.

Get out of here with this misogyny. You’re disgusting. Children are the responsibility of both parents.

Does OP help her husband with his job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds worthless. Have you considered looking into divorce? I could not imagine having to wake up next to such a miserable person every day for the rest of my life.

He would get 50/50 custody if he wants it in a divorce. People truly do not understand what divorce is like.

She can sleep in the other room. I'm divorced. These problems don't go away. They just get worse in a divorce.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

Leave it to DCUM to scream abuse and divorce and then explain why it was totally okay to leave the kid with the so-called abuser.

So wait do you think he is abusive or no? It sounds like you don't.

If he is actually abusive, then OP is asking the wrong question.

What question should she be asking?

How should I best protect my children from this point on.

Why do you think OP is here asking these questions? This is not an easy situation to understand. When my DH first started acting like this I was really confused, flabbergasted- because it did not accord with any kind of behavior I expected or had seen before in a father. It took quite a while to get it. abuse does not always begin with a punch to the face.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

Leave it to DCUM to demand a mom take a child having a medical emergency and a toddler past their bedtime to the hospital (so 2 upset, young children) so DH can get his beauty rest.

Leave it to DCUM to scream abuse and divorce and then explain why it was totally okay to leave the kid with the so-called abuser.

Found the abusive DH.

Men act like this because they feel that they can. They know that OP is trapped with them and leaving will be very difficult for her.

Nope. I’m a woman. If her DH is abusive she needs to protect both her children. She’s not.

what did you do when you were in this situation? Oh you weren't? You are just harassing people about a situation you know nothing about?

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Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

My mom was a SAHM and was such a martyr about it. Now that she’s gone my long suffering dad has had a few things to say about it. My mom acted like she did everything and he did nothing because she wanted all the credit and sympathy. But he did the yard work or found and paid the people to do it, paid all the bills, did the taxes, worked out all the insurance, performed maintenance around the house or found the people to make repairs, and all the unseen work beyond child care. What does OPs division of labor really look like? Was she renewing the car registration while he was at urgent care?

What does this even mean, DD doesn't get to go to the hospital with headache because dad does the taxes? Dad should have stayed home and breastfed toddler?

DD can go with mom to the hospital. She just didn’t feel like it because nursing a toddler is the easier option.

So OP’s job is to always give her DH the easier option? OK.

It's not about the easier option. It is about protecting the children from his abuse. If op had left him with the crying toddler, he may have harmed him.

So it was okay to send DH with the injured kid who was openly angry with? You make no sense.

Most people with kids know that the way the kid is with one person isn’t the way they are with everyone. Someone like OP who thinks their toddler can only fall asleep one way with this overwrought routine is often surprised to learn that someone else can put him down with no problem. OP has painted herself in a corner here as wanting to be this primary caregiver because nobody else does it right, and then is surprised when it blows up, because emergencies happen. She needs to help her toddler be more resilient and fleixble.

She needs to make sure the toddler is more resilient and flexible in case the toddler’s father throws a tantrum and refuses to take the other child to the hospital. OK then!

There are other reasons to ween and no disagreement here on bedtimes with different parents - but I hope you can see how deranged what you wrote is.

When did the father say he wouldn’t put the toddler to bed? Control freak OP is the one saying only SHE can do it. She’s painted herself into a corner over a simple job.

Let me ask you this. Why in this scenario do you think it is self evident that OP should go to the hospital and DH should stay home? And why do you think the parents disagreement over how to split up these duties justifies getting angry at the child? How about the nosebleed incident?

If you’re the only parent alllowed to put a toddler to bed you have created a very bad dynamic. That has to change.

This is all OP's fault for not putting DH on hormones so he can produce breastmilk!

Did you know they make formula now? Or even cow’s milk for a toddler? Are you another mommy martyr?

My guess is that the DH is not very nurturing and may not have a good bond with the toddler. Yes of course it is totally normal for dads to give toddlers a bottle and put them to bed, but that requires the DH to be proactive about parenting and participating in soothing bedtime routines. Something tells me this guy is not like that. (Plus I note the hypocrisy of PPs claiming both that OP as a SAHM has no right to expect her DH to do anything, and criticizing her for exclusively handling bedtime.)

Your guess? Why does op specifically not say that? Myguess is she will come back and tell is what a great dad he is when not in stressful situations.