Punctuality Disagreement

[Anonymous]

Typical DCUM.
It starts out as, "should a spouse wait for the other spouse who's running late?"

BUT turns into, "It’s never correct to [b]threaten[b] your spouse in front of your kids

Get your story straight from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

Isn’t this the subject of the thread? Whether it was okay for spouse A to make a huge deal out of arriving separately or if they were out of line?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to embarrass spouse B.

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to embarrass spouse B.

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

It never said that spouse A tried to embarrass spouse B. It says spouse B FEELS like she feels he was trying to embarrass her by leaving without her. Different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to embarrass spouse B.

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

It never said that spouse A tried to embarrass spouse B. It says spouse B FEELS like she feels he was trying to embarrass her by leaving without her. Different things.

But since being late is fine and not embarrassing, clearly Spouse A is only embarrassing themself with this behavior, and the dinner companions will think Spouse A is weird and Spouse B is normal and fine. Right?

[Anonymous]

I don't see why traveling separately has to be a big fight or drama at all. DH and I occasionally arrive separately to events because of other things going on that day, ex. one of us is coming straight from work. Did Spouse A give give Spouse B the silent treatment or scold her when she finally arrived? If so, that's wrong. But it's not clear whether Spouse B is embarrassed because Spouse A was visibly annoyed with her at the dinner or just because she had to get her own Uber and she thinks it makes them look like a dysfunctional couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why traveling separately has to be a big fight or drama at all. DH and I occasionally arrive separately to events because of other things going on that day, ex. one of us is coming straight from work. Did Spouse A give give Spouse B the silent treatment or scold her when she finally arrived? If so, that's wrong. But it's not clear whether Spouse B is embarrassed because Spouse A was visibly annoyed with her at the dinner or just because she had to get her own Uber and she thinks it makes them look like a dysfunctional couple.

Also, yes I'm assuming genders here, but same applies to any gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to embarrass spouse B.

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

It never said that spouse A tried to embarrass spouse B. It says spouse B FEELS like she feels he was trying to embarrass her by leaving without her. Different things.

But since being late is fine and not embarrassing, clearly Spouse A is only embarrassing themself with this behavior, and the dinner companions will think Spouse A is weird and Spouse B is normal and fine. Right?

Being late is not fine. Spouse A picked the lesser of two evils and decided to join the couple who was waiting for them at the restaurant. Spouse B had it completely within her control to be on time. She just chose not to be and didn't believe her husband would follow through. Perhaps now she will learn that he means it when he says he will leave her ass at home. If she was embarrassed, that was totally her own doing. Do you not think Spouse A would have been embarrassed if they arrived 30 minutes late to a frustrated couple who had been waiting for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why traveling separately has to be a big fight or drama at all. DH and I occasionally arrive separately to events because of other things going on that day, ex. one of us is coming straight from work. Did Spouse A give give Spouse B the silent treatment or scold her when she finally arrived? If so, that's wrong. But it's not clear whether Spouse B is embarrassed because Spouse A was visibly annoyed with her at the dinner or just because she had to get her own Uber and she thinks it makes them look like a dysfunctional couple.

Because Spouse B is a spoiled princess who in addition to thinking it's fine to have people wait for her for 30 minutes at a restaurant, needs to be chauffeured.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to embarrass spouse B.

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

It never said that spouse A tried to embarrass spouse B. It says spouse B FEELS like she feels he was trying to embarrass her by leaving without her. Different things.

Well, as I said earlier, if I threatened my child repeatedly with a peanut butter sandwich, and then I finally pulled the trigger and made one in anger and made them eat it, and then they FELT embarrassed eating it, then that’s at least partly on me, right?

There is nothing inherently embarrassing about eating a peanut butter sandwich. But if you make fixing a peanut butter sandwich this huge thing that you only finally do in a moment of anger and frustration, then eating it is going to feel pretty awful.

This is why Spouse A was wrong. There was no need to make spouse B feel awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to embarrass spouse B.

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

It never said that spouse A tried to embarrass spouse B. It says spouse B FEELS like she feels he was trying to embarrass her by leaving without her. Different things.

Well, as I said earlier, if I threatened my child repeatedly with a peanut butter sandwich, and then I finally pulled the trigger and made one in anger and made them eat it, and then they FELT embarrassed eating it, then that’s at least partly on me, right?

There is nothing inherently embarrassing about eating a peanut butter sandwich. But if you make fixing a peanut butter sandwich this huge thing that you only finally do in a moment of anger and frustration, then eating it is going to feel pretty awful.

This is why Spouse A was wrong. There was no need to make spouse B feel awful.

What is it going to take to get Spouse B show basic consideration to Spouse A? Is Spouse A a prisoner of Spouse B's need for mutual lateness and chaperoning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to embarrass spouse B.

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

It never said that spouse A tried to embarrass spouse B. It says spouse B FEELS like she feels he was trying to embarrass her by leaving without her. Different things.

Well, as I said earlier, if I threatened my child repeatedly with a peanut butter sandwich, and then I finally pulled the trigger and made one in anger and made them eat it, and then they FELT embarrassed eating it, then that’s at least partly on me, right?

There is nothing inherently embarrassing about eating a peanut butter sandwich. But if you make fixing a peanut butter sandwich this huge thing that you only finally do in a moment of anger and frustration, then eating it is going to feel pretty awful.

This is why Spouse A was wrong. There was no need to make spouse B feel awful.

Hahahahahaha I'm kind of hoping she felt embarrassed and awful. You make me late enough times and you bet your ass I'm going to make you feel bad about it. You do realize that being on time is totally within your control. Fix it! It's rude and entitled to make people wait for you at a restaurant. It's rude and entitled to expect your spouse be late with you everywhere you go just because you're a princess and don't see the need to be punctual. Grow up and do better. Perhaps she learned from this and won't do it to her husband and friends any longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to embarrass spouse B.

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

It never said that spouse A tried to embarrass spouse B. It says spouse B FEELS like she feels he was trying to embarrass her by leaving without her. Different things.

Well, as I said earlier, if I threatened my child repeatedly with a peanut butter sandwich, and then I finally pulled the trigger and made one in anger and made them eat it, and then they FELT embarrassed eating it, then that’s at least partly on me, right?

There is nothing inherently embarrassing about eating a peanut butter sandwich. But if you make fixing a peanut butter sandwich this huge thing that you only finally do in a moment of anger and frustration, then eating it is going to feel pretty awful.

This is why Spouse A was wrong. There was no need to make spouse B feel awful.

What is it going to take to get Spouse B show basic consideration to Spouse A? Is Spouse A a prisoner of Spouse B's need for mutual lateness and chaperoning?

Exactly. Plus the whole peanut butter sandwich analogy is dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to embarrass spouse B.

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

It never said that spouse A tried to embarrass spouse B. It says spouse B FEELS like she feels he was trying to embarrass her by leaving without her. Different things.

Well, as I said earlier, if I threatened my child repeatedly with a peanut butter sandwich, and then I finally pulled the trigger and made one in anger and made them eat it, and then they FELT embarrassed eating it, then that’s at least partly on me, right?

There is nothing inherently embarrassing about eating a peanut butter sandwich. But if you make fixing a peanut butter sandwich this huge thing that you only finally do in a moment of anger and frustration, then eating it is going to feel pretty awful.

This is why Spouse A was wrong. There was no need to make spouse B feel awful.

What is it going to take to get Spouse B show basic consideration to Spouse A? Is Spouse A a prisoner of Spouse B's need for mutual lateness and chaperoning?

No. Spouse A is free to go ahead and be on time. He can even frame it as a kind thing that he’s doing (take your time and take an Uber. I’ll meet you there!).
I’m sure that spouse B will be more likely to show consideration later if Spouse A is nice to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

The situation is completely neutral. I’m assuming that it’s a fight because of the language in the OP.
Spouse A threatened to leave early, then pulled the trigger and left early in frustration. Then tried to embarrass spouse B.

Making a PB&J is neutral, right? But If I told you I threatened to make my toddler a PB&J if he didn’t eat his dinner, then I finally pulled the trigger and made a PB&J in frustration and then tried to embarrass him, then I am giving a neutral action a specific meaning.

It never said that spouse A tried to embarrass spouse B. It says spouse B FEELS like she feels he was trying to embarrass her by leaving without her. Different things.

Well, as I said earlier, if I threatened my child repeatedly with a peanut butter sandwich, and then I finally pulled the trigger and made one in anger and made them eat it, and then they FELT embarrassed eating it, then that’s at least partly on me, right?

There is nothing inherently embarrassing about eating a peanut butter sandwich. But if you make fixing a peanut butter sandwich this huge thing that you only finally do in a moment of anger and frustration, then eating it is going to feel pretty awful.

This is why Spouse A was wrong. There was no need to make spouse B feel awful.

What is it going to take to get Spouse B show basic consideration to Spouse A? Is Spouse A a prisoner of Spouse B's need for mutual lateness and chaperoning?

No. Spouse A is free to go ahead and be on time. He can even frame it as a kind thing that he’s doing (take your time and take an Uber. I’ll meet you there!).
I’m sure that spouse B will be more likely to show consideration later if Spouse A is nice to her.

Oh so you want everyone else to be nice but you can't do the same? Got it, princess.