Punctuality Disagreement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is like this. For something important like church, we simply drive separately. He will never change and I refuse to be late.

Spouse A is right.

Unless it’s taken to an extreme. I grew up somewhere with railroad tracks that divided our town. They were 100% freight tracks, so there wasn’t a schedule, and coal trains could easily take 20 minutes to pass. My dad hated being late and was paranoid that a train would come en route to somewhere, so he always left an extra 45 minutes or more of buffer time.

I spent large chunks of my childhood sitting in a car in parking lots waiting for stuff to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is like this. For something important like church, we simply drive separately. He will never change and I refuse to be late.

Spouse A is right.

Unless it’s taken to an extreme. I grew up somewhere with railroad tracks that divided our town. They were 100% freight tracks, so there wasn’t a schedule, and coal trains could easily take 20 minutes to pass. My dad hated being late and was paranoid that a train would come en route to somewhere, so he always left an extra 45 minutes or more of buffer time.

I spent large chunks of my childhood sitting in a car in parking lots waiting for stuff to start.

Cool story. But nothing to do with OPs situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is correct

It’s never correct to threaten your spouse in front of your kids.

[Anonymous]

I think these threads are so weird because I literally don't know anyone who is habitually 15-30 minutes late. Not anyone. 5 minutes? Sure. Not 30 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A should have done this years ago. Being late when you're meeting specific people is SO rude. Being late to a reservation is rude to the restaurant. Being 15 minutes late to a 50 person backyard party? No big deal.

But then you're not really "late" - it's just that it didn't have a hard start time. Those events are usually "12-5" or whatever, so showing up at 12:30 isn't late, it's within the window.

No, showing up at 12:30 is late. There is no such thing as "within the window". Would you say the same thing if someone shows up at 4pm? Isn't it still within the 12-5 window? It starts at 12 and you must be there at 12 otherwise you are late. period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is correct

It’s never correct to threaten your spouse in front of your kids.

Saying that you'll leave if the spouse is not ready is not a threat. Are you always this fragile or just trying to make a useless point online?

[Anonymous]

I'm Team Spouse A. Being on time is so many things.
It is practical (so your table doesn't get given away.)
It is respectful (so your friends aren't left waiting, especially at places where they won't seat a partial group.)
It is objective (everyone has the exact same ability to determine 7:00pm.)

Spouse A should continue to be on time even if it means leaving Spouse B behind. Trying to control someone is just wasted effort; even if it works, the other person will still feel controlled and it will backfire eventually. Once all the conditions are laid out, Spouse A is within their rights to adhere to those conditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is correct

It’s never correct to threaten your spouse in front of your kids.

What threat? Telling them you're leaving in 5 minutes (with or without them) so that you can be on time??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think these threads are so weird because I literally don't know anyone who is habitually 15-30 minutes late. Not anyone. 5 minutes? Sure. Not 30 minutes.

I know one-- she's one of my best friends. I know this about her, and have decided she's worth it, even though generally speaking, it would make me grind my teeth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up at a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

But why do you assume a fight? It’s really fascinating to me - my husband and I once arrived to a New Year party separately, and there was quite a bit of back and forth between me and the hosts. Yes, he is coming later, no, we are OK, really. Something came up, he left work much later than he thought he would and I didn’t feel like sitting there twiddling my thumbs fully dressed while I could be partying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A should have done this years ago. Being late when you're meeting specific people is SO rude. Being late to a reservation is rude to the restaurant. Being 15 minutes late to a 50 person backyard party? No big deal.

But then you're not really "late" - it's just that it didn't have a hard start time. Those events are usually "12-5" or whatever, so showing up at 12:30 isn't late, it's within the window.

No, showing up at 12:30 is late. There is no such thing as "within the window". Would you say the same thing if someone shows up at 4pm? Isn't it still within the 12-5 window? It starts at 12 and you must be there at 12 otherwise you are late. period.

It depends on what kind of party we are talking about.

If it’s a sit down luncheon, you’d better be there at 12:15 the latest. If it’s the sort of mingling thing where people come and go, be my guest and show up at 4. As long as you leave by 5, it’s great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think these threads are so weird because I literally don't know anyone who is habitually 15-30 minutes late. Not anyone. 5 minutes? Sure. Not 30 minutes.

I know one-- she's one of my best friends. I know this about her, and have decided she's worth it, even though generally speaking, it would make me grind my teeth.

I have one of those friends too. I love her, but I have a rule for doing anything with her. We either have to have independent tickets or the place has to be close to my home and I am not leaving my home until she texts me that she has arrived. She has to be the one to wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am generally spouse A. But I'm also flexible enough to see when punctuality isn't a big deal. There are some events, like house parties or happy hours, where you can roll in a bit later and it's fine. Most house parties, for example, don't start right on time.

It wasn't a house party, you M. It was a dinner reservation with work friends of her spouse.

Why can't these friends wait? Are they so specials that they can't wait a couple of minutes?

Because they’ve made reservations at a restaurant for a particular time. Many restaurants won’t seat you without the full party and have limits on how long they’ll hold a table. Also if we’ve gotten a babysitter based on an evening out with friends I don’t want to waste half the time standing around in a crowded restaurant lobby because another adult couldn’t pull it together to be on time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up pat a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

This has nothing to do with spending time with your spouse. When my spouse and I have an evening out together we absolutely enjoy the time. We also arrive in time for our reservation. But waiting for someone else means the entire evening is on hold until they arrive. It’s rude for one person to waste the time of the rest of the party. Context matters, but in OP’s case it was meeting at a restaurant at a specified time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suppose Spouse A is big on punctuality because they come from a military background and also feel that being on time means respecting other people's time. Spouse A also thinks that punctuality is a good habit to pass on to children. Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal. Part of this is attributable to cultural/family background and part of it is a tendency to get distracted.

They have discussed the issue repeatedly and Spouse A frequently threatens to just leave Spouse B and go to events, but has never followed through with it until this weekend. They were supposed to meet another couple for dinner and were already running late. The other couple consists of Spouse A's work colleague and their spouse. They are work friends, but not best friends, and the couples have hung out socially together a few times. Spouse A told Spouse B that if they were not ready in 5 minutes, they could take an Uber to the restaurant. Spouse A actually followed through and left to the restaurant in frustration while Spouse B was still dithering.

Spouse B is furious with Spouse A and feels they were trying to embarrass them. Was Spouse A a too drastic?

I would be LIVID if you were 30 minutes late to a dinner with me and my husband without a seriously good excuse. Spouse B is a jerk.

Really? I would be irritated if I was cooking and I prepared things to be ready at a specific time, but it sounds like they were all meeting up pat a restaurant. I would just have a drink with my husband.

It would be so much weirder to be brought into the middle of someone’s marital drama.

Ok, you do you. I think it's incredibly rude to show up 30 minutes late to a dinner reservation.

I will! I like hanging out with people who married someone they like to be with, and who don’t need me around to be a buffer with their spouse.

I can see how if you feel that you can’t spend 15 minutes alone with your spouse, it probably doesn’t really phase you if the other couple is in a fight or not speaking to each other.

For me, the late thing wouldn’t bother me, but I would find a fight incredibly awkward.

This has nothing to do with spending time with your spouse. When my spouse and I have an evening out together we absolutely enjoy the time. We also arrive in time for our reservation. But waiting for someone else means the entire evening is on hold until they arrive. It’s rude for one person to waste the time of the rest of the party. Context matters, but in OP’s case it was meeting at a restaurant at a specified time.

+1000 i can't believe this is still being discussed. It's just rude.