So are we to never have a husband-wife trip without kids for another 14 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You’re responding to me and I disagree. I am disappointed in one of my parents who has spent most of his adult life focused solely on his needs and wants. He and his wife (my stepmom who does not have kids if her own) travel 5-10x/year for pleasure, own multiple homes, and could easily have visited us at any time. Or invited us on any of the many fancy trips they take. They have traveled to see us once in 15 years (after kids 1 was born for 2 days) and instead expect us to visit them at their convenience, which means traveling across the country and staying in a hotel because they don’t want us messing up their homes. They expect us to zoom with them at their schedule but never ours. They like the trappings of being a grandparent but do nothing to foster an emotional connection. I never expected them to take on the labor of caring for my kids, but I expected them to have some interest. They do not ,but expect us to show up for command performances (my dad’s bdays). I am really over it and I do have some contempt for how self absorbed they are and how limited emotionally and I am envious of people whose parents are loving and involved grandparents. I do not think that I needed to ask permission of my parents to have children and I get that there’s this dcum “expect nothing from others” attitude (which is a weird emotional variant on pull yourself up by the bootstraps) . I can still be disappointed by what a self involved parent and now grandparent I have and I also see that this is truly not the norm among my friends who have parents who actually enjoy being grandparents. It’s instilled in me the desire to be a loving and involved grandparent should I have the chance. You know, call on birthdays, visit, go to their plays, be interested in their lives and try to help adult children who are juggling it all.

I sense quite a bit of one-sidedness in your response. I would be willing to bet that your father might have a different take. And your stepmother quite another.

Why do you have the expectation that they should fund your family's trips? Why do you think there is something wrong if they choose to travel? Or have a second home? Didn't they work for that?

It is interesting that you state your father has "spent most of his adult life focused solely on his needs and wants." Perhaps that's true. But IMO it also sounds like something you were coached to believe. It is interesting that your focus on failing is solely on your father. Is it possible that they can feel the contempt you have for them? It is barely concealed in your post - I imagine your words, actions and body language also communicate that.

Is your mother still alive? Is she doing all the things you believe a grandmother can do?

+1

From the father and step mother's perspective, it must be frustrating and exasperating to have someone demanding "love me and my kids" while showing contempt at the same time.

Wow. That’s a different take. Agree that contempt rarely helps a situation but I read her story and assumed that the contempt was a result of her father’s choice to only be involved in performative aspects of grandparenting. Though I was confused why she was apparently still marching to the beat of his drum as a grown adult.

I don't think it's right to assume it is the father's choice. The PP never responded as to her relationship with her mother. If the father had been alienated then there is no foundation for neither he nor his wife to develop a relationship with the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Pay for a qualified sitter! If your husband balks at the expense promise him the greatest sex he has ever had. If he balks at that divorce him because it will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pay for a qualified sitter! If your husband balks at the expense promise him the greatest sex he has ever had. If he balks at that divorce him because it will only get worse.

Geez. Divorce divorce divorce. My God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since being a father is already such an inconvenience to you, maybe just get an AP and go on overnights with her? Problem solved.

Perfect example of how messed up modern parenting is. Wanting to go away with only your spouse means your completely inconvenience by parenting and should even cheat on your DW.

Personally I think the people who can’t go on a childfree vacation are the messed up ones!

LOL. You thought this post was serious? In any event, this is my prediction of what will happen in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was speaking with my spouse about getting a weekend away together just the two of us - we need some time to reconnect. We have two young kids. My MIL lives locally, but is getting older. We haven't taken a solo trip together since when our first was an infant and my mother watched him for a weekend.

Asked my spouse if we could inquire with MIL about doing a weekend away in 2025. Spouse put the kibosh on that quickly, saying MIL is too old to watch two young kids.

So - is this it? We won't be taking another kid-free trip until our youngest is 16 and can stay home alone?

If so, I can now understand why marriages fade out.

What the hell do other people do? Or are you with your kids 24/7?

We had the kids do simultaneous sleep overs to get a night away. Otherwise, we waited until both were in sleep away camp.
Others we know hired babysitters.

[Anonymous]

We never left our kids to travel. We enjoyed traveling as a family. You knew the obligation when you got pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We never left our kids to travel. We enjoyed traveling as a family. You knew the obligation when you got pregnant.

The DW was told she could only travel with kids for 18 years? That is BS. Plenty of women have kids and go on girls trips, trips with their spouse, business trips etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never left our kids to travel. We enjoyed traveling as a family. You knew the obligation when you got pregnant.

The DW was told she could only travel with kids for 18 years? That is BS. Plenty of women have kids and go on girls trips, trips with their spouse, business trips etc.

Np. But does your wife want to? Many do but if your wife does not than you can't force her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never left our kids to travel. We enjoyed traveling as a family. You knew the obligation when you got pregnant.

The DW was told she could only travel with kids for 18 years? That is BS. Plenty of women have kids and go on girls trips, trips with their spouse, business trips etc.

Np. But does your wife want to? Many do but if your wife does not than you can't force her.

Sure, but if that’s the case here, op has a wife problem. Not a parenting problem.

I’m guessing ops wife is one of the anxious, can never spend a minute apart from her kids types, and that’s why she so quickly put a stop to ops suggestion that mil watch the kids one time. There are some parents (usually moms) who will make up any excuse to not spend time away from their kids. And I think those parents have a mental illness or are compensating for lack of something else in their lives. It’s both reasonable and healthy to want to spend time away from kids, and to spend time as just a couple. If you spouse is saying no to that wholesale, then the spouse is the problem. Not you for wanting to spend 36 hours with them alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You got 2 young kids and you want your wife to up and go on a trip with you? Look at it from her perspective - neither of you will have an opportunity to spend time with your young children for much longer. Sorry if your penis isn't the most interesting thing in the world to her anymore, lol.

I get the feeling though. My wife and I 'date' during the work week where MIL can come over to the house, heat up some prepared dinner, and let the kids play. We get some alone time, wife doesn't feel like we've overburdened her mother, and it's a good time really.

DW here. Seems reasonable to me. I find it bizarre how MC and UMC women completely give up their lives when kids arrive. It’s a complete 180 that isn’t healthy.

Going away and spending a few days focused on your spouse and resting is very normal and healthy. Anyone telling you otherwise has anxiety and way too much focus on their children.

It’s ironic but mothers who can’t leave their children for a weekend tend to end up very bath mothers to older children.

So much judgement in your post.

She's not wrong.

Yeah, mothers who don't want to burden their own elderly mothers so husband can get some action, while the dude pouts on the internet instead of offering solutions, are bad. Or something.

Yea that must mean you are a terrible parent to older children. I laughed out loud reading that part.

A woman who can’t prioritize leaving her kids for the weekend to spend time with her spouse will absolutely struggle with teens who develop their own identity and need their mom less. A mom like this has lived for her kids for more than a decade and it is a huge change that usually doesn’t go over well. If you already have your own social life and hobbies outside of kids it’s less of a problem.

Your post is illogical. None of the thoughts flow from one another. You have conflated so many things to one 1 idea: no social life, no hobbies, lives
for kids from the one thing: won’t leave kids for a weekend when young.

+1

We have an active social life/hobbies and always used a sitter once/wk at the very minimum (our kids no longer need sitters). We both have hobbies and do things on our own or with friends at least weekly as well. We don’t live for “ooh one special parent trip per year” - we work in time together and social time/hobbies into our regular daily life. We actually like our life and don’t need to escape from it. We also like our kids- and because we get regular breaks all the time- don’t feel a need to escape from them for a week.

I love my kids and my life but getting away from that for a period of time so I can spend time with my friends or alone isn’t escaping. You can pat yourself on your back all you want but you aren’t winning anything. You’re just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never left our kids to travel. We enjoyed traveling as a family. You knew the obligation when you got pregnant.

The DW was told she could only travel with kids for 18 years? That is BS. Plenty of women have kids and go on girls trips, trips with their spouse, business trips etc.

Np. But does your wife want to? Many do but if your wife does not than you can't force her.

Sure, but if that’s the case here, op has a wife problem. Not a parenting problem.

I’m guessing ops wife is one of the anxious, can never spend a minute apart from her kids types, and that’s why she so quickly put a stop to ops suggestion that mil watch the kids one time. There are some parents (usually moms) who will make up any excuse to not spend time away from their kids. And I think those parents have a mental illness or are compensating for lack of something else in their lives. It’s both reasonable and healthy to want to spend time away from kids, and to spend time as just a couple. If you spouse is saying no to that wholesale, then the spouse is the problem. Not you for wanting to spend 36 hours with them alone.

This. It’s so unhealthy. Just wait until the kids try to become independent and form their own identity. The moms can’t handle it and freak out.

[Anonymous]

What we did was a combination. We hired a regular date night sitter and then if we wanted to do a weekend away, we would hire her for the whole day on Saturday and the kids would stay at grandma’s (local), but the sitter would be taking them to the park in the morning, playing with the old kid so grandma could get the baby down for a nap, playing with them while grandma fixed dinner, helping with physical stuff like bathtime and then the sitter would do one kid for bed and grandma the other. So. Grandma was “in charge” but the toll on her physically was so much less. Then we came back Sunday around 10.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You got 2 young kids and you want your wife to up and go on a trip with you? Look at it from her perspective - neither of you will have an opportunity to spend time with your young children for much longer. Sorry if your penis isn't the most interesting thing in the world to her anymore, lol.

I get the feeling though. My wife and I 'date' during the work week where MIL can come over to the house, heat up some prepared dinner, and let the kids play. We get some alone time, wife doesn't feel like we've overburdened her mother, and it's a good time really.

DW here. Seems reasonable to me. I find it bizarre how MC and UMC women completely give up their lives when kids arrive. It’s a complete 180 that isn’t healthy.

Going away and spending a few days focused on your spouse and resting is very normal and healthy. Anyone telling you otherwise has anxiety and way too much focus on their children.

It’s ironic but mothers who can’t leave their children for a weekend tend to end up very bath mothers to older children.

So much judgement in your post.

She's not wrong.

Yeah, mothers who don't want to burden their own elderly mothers so husband can get some action, while the dude pouts on the internet instead of offering solutions, are bad. Or something.

Yea that must mean you are a terrible parent to older children. I laughed out loud reading that part.

A woman who can’t prioritize leaving her kids for the weekend to spend time with her spouse will absolutely struggle with teens who develop their own identity and need their mom less. A mom like this has lived for her kids for more than a decade and it is a huge change that usually doesn’t go over well. If you already have your own social life and hobbies outside of kids it’s less of a problem.

Your post is illogical. None of the thoughts flow from one another. You have conflated so many things to one 1 idea: no social life, no hobbies, lives
for kids from the one thing: won’t leave kids for a weekend when young.

+1

We have an active social life/hobbies and always used a sitter once/wk at the very minimum (our kids no longer need sitters). We both have hobbies and do things on our own or with friends at least weekly as well. We don’t live for “ooh one special parent trip per year” - we work in time together and social time/hobbies into our regular daily life. We actually like our life and don’t need to escape from it. We also like our kids- and because we get regular breaks all the time- don’t feel a need to escape from them for a week.

I love my kids and my life but getting away from that for a period of time so I can spend time with my friends or alone isn’t escaping. You can pat yourself on your back all you want but you aren’t winning anything. You’re just ridiculous.

Lots of assumptions here - do either of you have older/elderly parents? There comes a time where they should NOT be watching small children for an extended period of time. OP didn’t mention offering an alternative solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We never left our kids to travel. We enjoyed traveling as a family. You knew the obligation when you got pregnant.

The DW was told she could only travel with kids for 18 years? That is BS. Plenty of women have kids and go on girls trips, trips with their spouse, business trips etc.

Np. But does your wife want to? Many do but if your wife does not than you can't force her.

Sure, but if that’s the case here, op has a wife problem. Not a parenting problem.

I’m guessing ops wife is one of the anxious, can never spend a minute apart from her kids types, and that’s why she so quickly put a stop to ops suggestion that mil watch the kids one time. There are some parents (usually moms) who will make up any excuse to not spend time away from their kids. And I think those parents have a mental illness or are compensating for lack of something else in their lives. It’s both reasonable and healthy to want to spend time away from kids, and to spend time as just a couple. If you spouse is saying no to that wholesale, then the spouse is the problem. Not you for wanting to spend 36 hours with them alone.

So much projection and dislike of mothers here.

We don’t know whether OP is the husband or the wife.

The OP says they suggested their MIL watch the kids for a weekend and the spouse said the MIL isn’t capable of doing that. OP didn’t disagree. Is the MIL older, ill, has limited mobility? IOW, the spouse’s reaction to the suggestion could be entirely reasonable.

OP doesn’t say the spouse is opposed to traveling without the kids, just that they didn’t think the MIL could handle the childcare. Doesn’t sound like an over-anxious heli-mom to an objective observer.

OP jumps into this whole woe is me, is this all there is, we’ll probably get divorced thing on this basis?

At least OP is asking for suggestions but they seem to be overreacting a bit.

As are you. But you have a different agenda.

[Anonymous]

OP. Can you hire someone to watch the kids at your MILs. Takes the burden off her but someone you know and are comfortable with is there with the kids. Did this with SIL and it worked out.