Rant: “you look amazing”

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:"Thank you"

Then you realize that people are trying to be nice to you. You clearly don't deserve it. What a self-centered shrew!

I want to apologize. Now that I have read the other comments, I fully agree that you must be having some sort of post-partum issues and you should probably seek help. It is fully irrational to be offended by such a nice compliment. You should view your reaction as a red flag.

Perhaps you should view your knee jerk response to tell a post partum woman that she does not deserve kindness and is a "self-centered shrew" as a red flag and ALSO seek professional help.

It is a good point. I am just really upset about people who are so self-centered that they view common compliments as offensive. It not only brings negativity to the world in general, but it chills people from being nice. I hadn't considered that maybe the new mom was generally a wonderful person who appreciates people being nice to her but is currently suffering from mental illness.

Consider that is much more self centered to think anyone cares about your opinion of their body. Wanting to just be left alone/unbothered is not really self centered at all.

It actually is. Stay home if you can't handle people trying to be nice and polite to you. Please don't bring your negativity to others.

"You don't deserve human contact if you don't get narc supply from comments about your physical appearance."
"You're negative, never happy, the cause of depression, etc."

You don’t deserve human contact if you’re going to use those interactions to try to make everyone feel as miserable as you do.

Everyone deserves human contact but ESPECIALLY a woman who recently gave birth and is struggling emotionally.

But good job making this all about you and your feelings.

Some of you are insufferable, narcissistic drama queens. Look at the site you’re posting to. Most of the women posting have given birth before. Many of us multiple times. And many of us have experienced PPD. But there are always those bridezilla-esque new moms who demand to be treated as though they’re the first and only women to ever give birth!!

And many of us, who have given birth, who have experienced PPD, and have had the same experience as OP of having ourselves called “amazing” or validated for being thin, covering up major medical concerns, are empathizing with this new mother instead of calling her names.

How old are you?

Old enough to remember the good ole days before never ending therapy (administered by people I wouldn’t trust to walk my dog) ruined an entire generation through the encouragement of excessive navel gazing and framing victimhood as aspirational.

How old are YOU?

That’s what I thought.

I’m old enough to have been taught by my grandmother and by Emily Post that no lady or gentleman is so vulgar as to comment on the appearance of another.

I hope you never tell any moms that their babies are adorable, either.

Soon we can all live in the Emily Post approved Utopia populated by a bunch of Dwight Schrutes: “It is your birthday.”

You know what I usually say to new moms I see out socially?

“Gosh I’m so happy to see you! I’m glad you’re here!”

And then I ask if I can get them anything like a drink or shady chair.

It’s so easy to have good manners.

Regardless of anything else that has been shared in this thread, I just want to second the suggestion that the nicest compliment you can pay someone is "I am genuinely happy you are here."

As someone who has struggled with mental health at various points in my life, including postpartum, this is far and away the kindest thing someone can ever say to me, and the bonus is that there is absolutely no way to misconstrue it as an insult or an unreasonable expectation. People need to hear that that others are glad they exist. They especially need to hear it when they are going through a tough time. I am somewhat ambivalent on compliments on my appearance -- there are times when they are welcome but there are also times when I would really prefer people not focus on my body or how I look, even if they do it in a complimentary way. But if you are reading this thread and thinking "I give up! What are you supposed to say then?" I highly recommend just saying "It is really good to see you."

But poor depressed mom had just worked up the gumption to leave early, go home and get some much needed rest. But now you’ve placed this new burden on her by centering *your* happiness.

If you’re so worried, use the passive voice “I am happy you were able to come out!” which places no burden of time or expectation of duration on the new mom.

But if you just want to be upset with being shown how to do better, may I suggest you go touch grass?

You are centering your own feelings though. The new mom should not have to hear about whether you were happy or not that she was able to leave her house. Do better.

I am happy to see you/pleased to meet you/thank you for coming are all polite things to say to someone. Comments on their physical appearance aren’t. If there is a postpartum mother here who was unhappy to hear any of the above they can say so and I’ll be interested to hear their take.

We literally just told you. What part of “don’t make a postpartum mom responsible for your happiness” don’t you understand? Stop acting so entitled.

When did you have your baby?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yet more evidence that basic social skills are declining rapidly. Pretty soon no one will ever speak to anyone unless it’s a purposeful conversation. It’s not worth it if people are going to freak out over a simple benign comment in passing.

Agreed. This thread is bonkers. However, I am totally happy to use benign comments and a person’s reaction to them as a filter for whether I will choose to ever interact with that person again if I can help it.

Yeah, this. Going forward, I think I will decline to make eye contact with all postpartum women. I'm almost certain to get it wrong if I try to be nice, and they're not worth the trouble.

I’ll do the opposite. I’m going to keep interacting with them and they have to deal with normal human socialization.

This is the mentality of literally every a-hole on the planet. Every a-hole thinks they're right.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Some of you are doing incredible mental gymnastics to justify your behavior of commenting on others’ bodies. But I am encouraged that most people get that it’s just flat out rude!

My kid's preschool teacher saw me shortly postpartum and told me I looked great--something like that is rude?

So it seems based on this thread. Saying "You look great!" is equally as offensive as "Nice jugs!" I'm tired of this fragile victim brand of feminism that casts women as incapable of surviving a misguided compliment, even one that would be well taken by most women. I'm not going to spring to the defense of a woman who can't handle a little social awkwardness. Sorry, OP, but there are women in this world suffering true injuries and you aren't one.

I would be tired too if I had no common sense.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Some of you are doing incredible mental gymnastics to justify your behavior of commenting on others’ bodies. But I am encouraged that most people get that it’s just flat out rude!

My kid's preschool teacher saw me shortly postpartum and told me I looked great--something like that is rude?

“You look great” is not automatically a comment about someone’s body. With a new mother it can also mean something like, good job getting out of the house, acknowledging it’s hard immediately postpartum. That said, one lesson everyone can learn is that moms don’t always feel great and commenting on their appearance is loaded and could go either way. Take that knowledge as far as you need to!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Talk to your doctor about PPD and meds, OP.

+1

It is not the fault of the people trying to say nice that things that you are feeling this way. Stop blaming them and go see a doctor.

+2

I also “looked great” but really I was depressed, anxious, and struggling. I wasn’t eating well, was breastfeeding constantly, exhausted 24/7, and barely weighed 100 lbs. No one, not doctors, spouse, friends, coworkers, noticed how bad I was doing.

this. OP, see your doctor and talk about PPD.
Maybe it's just being tired and overwhelmed, but I am NOT commenting on your body, but on how you feel. You mgiht also consider getting a therapist. If it isn't needed, no harm and you can actually have a substantive conversation and if you do, well, you know the answer.

I hope you have a good experience going forward. Take care, hang in there, and hope you find the ability to sleep.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Some of you are doing incredible mental gymnastics to justify your behavior of commenting on others’ bodies. But I am encouraged that most people get that it’s just flat out rude!

My kid's preschool teacher saw me shortly postpartum and told me I looked great--something like that is rude?

“You look great” is not automatically a comment about someone’s body. With a new mother it can also mean something like, good job getting out of the house, acknowledging it’s hard immediately postpartum. That said, one lesson everyone can learn is that moms don’t always feel great and commenting on their appearance is loaded and could go either way. Take that knowledge as far as you need to!

Some things I've said recently to non-acquaintances
Wow a baby and a puppy at the same time? That must have solved your free time problem
Your baby is giving me baby fever (I had three kids in tow) Mom was like "Really?!"
Your baby is cute. Want to trade? *point to my toddler*
Wow, that is a *fresh* baby (obvious newborn)
I wont even ask if she is sleeping through the night

You "You look amaaaaaazing" women need to step it up. You're just lame!

I dont remember how it came up, but I hinted I had birth trauma (with random moms, not moms with new babies) and 2 different women opened up to me, one told me her uterus ruptured in a VBAC and her baby died, another woman told me her OB sent her home with the placenta in, she had a huge hemorrhage and had to call an ambulance and be re-admitted.

[Anonymous]

When I say a postpartum woman looks great, I mean "wow, your hair appears to be clean, your shirt has no visible spit-up, and your eyes aren't held open with toothpicks!" It has nothing to do with weight.

[Anonymous]

I think it's relevant that OP seems to be specifically talking about comments that are about her body. It sounds like she dropped her pregnancy weight quickly and people are talking specifically about that. The examples she gives:

"wow did you really just have a baby"
"you look amazing"
her friend's husband commenting specifically about her body/stomach (she doesn't say exactly what he said but I guess something like "you don't look like you just had a baby")

I relate to this because I also found the fixation on my weight, and specifically how quickly I looked "not pregnant" or not physically post partum (with a visible tummy/water retention/etc.) really weird.

The best comparison I can think of is people who feel comfortable commenting on a tween/teen's body changes due to puberty. Like commenting on a boy's facial hair coming in or a girl getting breasts or hips. I also find this stuff incredibly rude and tacky and would never do it. Even if you notice stuff like that, it's so personal and you have no idea how that person feels about these changes (proud, excited, indifferent, scared, embarrassed). So you talk about something else.

[Anonymous]

^ oh also wanted to say that I also really disliked it when people said stuff to me like "you don't look like you just had a baby!" This is a very weird compliment to give to a new mother because I was actually proud and excited to have just had a baby -- it was a lot of work! It would be like if you got a promotion and someone said, "wow, you sure don't look like the director of the DC office -- you look like they just hired you!"

It's weird when people think the nicest possible thing they could say to you after your baby is born is "huh it's like the last 10 months never happened at all." It says a lot about their values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ oh also wanted to say that I also really disliked it when people said stuff to me like "you don't look like you just had a baby!" This is a very weird compliment to give to a new mother because I was actually proud and excited to have just had a baby -- it was a lot of work! It would be like if you got a promotion and someone said, "wow, you sure don't look like the director of the DC office -- you look like they just hired you!"

It's weird when people think the nicest possible thing they could say to you after your baby is born is "huh it's like the last 10 months never happened at all." It says a lot about their values.

It also says, “don’t ever gain weight, because I will be watching and judging your body!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ oh also wanted to say that I also really disliked it when people said stuff to me like "you don't look like you just had a baby!" This is a very weird compliment to give to a new mother because I was actually proud and excited to have just had a baby -- it was a lot of work! It would be like if you got a promotion and someone said, "wow, you sure don't look like the director of the DC office -- you look like they just hired you!"

It's weird when people think the nicest possible thing they could say to you after your baby is born is "huh it's like the last 10 months never happened at all." It says a lot about their values.

It also says, “don’t ever gain weight, because I will be watching and judging your body!”

"Your value as a human female depends on your sexual market value."

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I can't stand people like you, OP, not being able to handle kindness and compliments. Your post sounds like a humble-brag disguised as a feminist rant.

The point is that it's not kindness. It is not kind to tell someone how great they look even when they are telling you that they don't feel right.

And also sometimes there's an expectation that goes long with "you look amazing." A lot of people expect new mothers to be happy and are angry when they are not -- there is still a pervasive cultural belief that a woman with a baby has achieved the apex of female life achievement, and therefore she better be happy. Despite greater awareness around PPD and maternal mental health issues. Sometimes people still get mad at postpartum women for not being content. "You look amazing" can also come with this pressure to be happy and have no complaints.

OP didn’t say she’s telling people she feels bad. Many women appreciate the compliment, so please confine your requests to YOU.
I do hope you seek help if pu need it. This anonymous rant against people who are tisn’t the best way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I can't stand people like you, OP, not being able to handle kindness and compliments. Your post sounds like a humble-brag disguised as a feminist rant.

The point is that it's not kindness. It is not kind to tell someone how great they look even when they are telling you that they don't feel right.

And also sometimes there's an expectation that goes long with "you look amazing." A lot of people expect new mothers to be happy and are angry when they are not -- there is still a pervasive cultural belief that a woman with a baby has achieved the apex of female life achievement, and therefore she better be happy. Despite greater awareness around PPD and maternal mental health issues. Sometimes people still get mad at postpartum women for not being content. "You look amazing" can also come with this pressure to be happy and have no complaints.

OP didn’t say she’s telling people she feels bad. Many women appreciate the compliment, so please confine your requests to YOU.
I do hope you seek help if pu need it. This anonymous rant against people who are tisn’t the best way.

I can just as easily say many of us don't like it, and it needs to stop, for many reasons discussed in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I can't stand people like you, OP, not being able to handle kindness and compliments. Your post sounds like a humble-brag disguised as a feminist rant.

The point is that it's not kindness. It is not kind to tell someone how great they look even when they are telling you that they don't feel right.

And also sometimes there's an expectation that goes long with "you look amazing." A lot of people expect new mothers to be happy and are angry when they are not -- there is still a pervasive cultural belief that a woman with a baby has achieved the apex of female life achievement, and therefore she better be happy. Despite greater awareness around PPD and maternal mental health issues. Sometimes people still get mad at postpartum women for not being content. "You look amazing" can also come with this pressure to be happy and have no complaints.

OP didn’t say she’s telling people she feels bad. Many women appreciate the compliment, so please confine your requests to YOU.
I do hope you seek help if pu need it. This anonymous rant against people who are tisn’t the best way.

I can just as easily say many of us don't like it, and it needs to stop, for many reasons discussed in this thread.

Listen, some of ya’ll just need to be patient. People talk to you now and try to compliment you now because they just don’t know you well enough yet to know better. But keep on fighting the good fight and soon enough you’ll find that no one will speak to you ever again without a *very* specific reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I can't stand people like you, OP, not being able to handle kindness and compliments. Your post sounds like a humble-brag disguised as a feminist rant.

The point is that it's not kindness. It is not kind to tell someone how great they look even when they are telling you that they don't feel right.

And also sometimes there's an expectation that goes long with "you look amazing." A lot of people expect new mothers to be happy and are angry when they are not -- there is still a pervasive cultural belief that a woman with a baby has achieved the apex of female life achievement, and therefore she better be happy. Despite greater awareness around PPD and maternal mental health issues. Sometimes people still get mad at postpartum women for not being content. "You look amazing" can also come with this pressure to be happy and have no complaints.

OP didn’t say she’s telling people she feels bad. Many women appreciate the compliment, so please confine your requests to YOU.
I do hope you seek help if pu need it. This anonymous rant against people who are tisn’t the best way.

I can just as easily say many of us don't like it, and it needs to stop, for many reasons discussed in this thread.

Listen, some of ya’ll just need to be patient. People talk to you now and try to compliment you now because they just don’t know you well enough yet to know better. But keep on fighting the good fight and soon enough you’ll find that no one will speak to you ever again without a *very* specific reason.

Why do you think your attention and conversation is such an asset the the threat to withdraw it is meaningful?

No woman that I know IRL is lacking in unwanted attention. Yours will not be missed.