Reply to Equitable/reasonable division of care among siblings

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, can you talk to the other sibling? They might think the Helpful Sibling is doing too much, taking on too much, stepped in when it wasn't 100% needed. Some siblings want to step in more than others at early stages.[/quote]

Yes, everyone has talked with the unhelpful sibling—as a group, and individually.

Nobody stepped in too early/when help wasn’t needed.

The most helpful sibling isn’t controlling or doing anything that isn’t necessary.

I guess we are just stumped as to how the unhelpful sibling can justify leaving the work to the rest of us. I’m trying to get them involved and to realize they might be cut out from the family. At some point I won’t be able to fix things for the unhelpful one. I’m sad that the kids/cousins will be impacted by this. [/quote]

If you don’t want to do the work, then don’t.  No one is forcing you to.  Threatening to “cut them from the family” just makes you a bunch of bullies.  [/quote]

This is really impossible to do unless you are completely heartless. I am the closest sibling and when I get called by the assisted living our mother called and is in the ER it’s tough to ignore. It’s also tough to ignore when  the old person  can’t see because they broke their glasses and need to go to the optometrist, they need to update hearing aids, pharmacy calls about medication, when it’s their birthday and they want you to visit,, etc.

One sibling does nothing. [b]He lives an hour plane ride away[/b] and has not visited once in 4 years. He doesn’t bring[b] his tween aged kids[/b] to visit either. He doesn’t help out in any way. He has the money to fly in the morning rent a car visit his mother and fly home that night. [b]I am so resentfu[/b]l that I no longer wish to have any relationship with him, his wife or kids.  [b]It is completely unfair that I got stuck with our mother when I was never close to her.[/b] He used to tell her she could live with him. She has Alzheimer’s and now his kids will never know their grandmother. Meanwhile [b]my teens and husband pick up the slack.[/b]

So what are you talking about that people like me are bullies?  People who let a sibling do all the work are the selfish a-holes. [/quote]

He lives an hour by plane and has a wife and kids.   It is unreasonable to expect him to do all this "drop everything and go" attending to your mother that you CHOOSE to do.
Yes, you are a bully.     You are resentful and now you bully your husband and kids into "picking up the slack."     This is on you.[/quote]

Interested what you chose to put in bold. The poster isn't asking her brother to drop everything at a moment's notice. She's asking him to find one day in four years when he could visit. He hasn't bothered, despite his big talk years ago. So yeah, he's a glass bowl, and the poster isn't a bully for noticing.

To the original question: the sibling who does everything is under no obligation to the sibling who does nothing, but overcontributing sibling isn't doing all that work for the sibling's benefit -- she's doing it for their parents. So if the parents want idle kid at Christmas, Do Everything needs to include them to some degree, but not in a way that makes more work for her. "We're having Christmas at Rehoboth, but we won't be able to put you up. Hotels and rentals should be pretty cheap, and I know Mom and Dad would love to have us all togethe for the holidays."[/quote]

As the intermediary, your energy is best spent emotionally supporting the workhorse sibling in her (his) frustration with your other sibling and advising her (him) to think about her boundaries and why she’s helping  your parents.

Her boundaries to not include your unhelpful sibling are perfectly justified.   Don’t try to convince her otherwise.

Yes, it would be nice if she mentioned the event but didn’t offer to host sibling and their family.  But she might be so frustrated that just seeing your sibling will ruin the event for her.

People can justify anything.  My brother can justify why he didn’t come down to see my father when he was dying (and had his wife ask our little sister if it was “worth” it for him to come down) or even visit him at all in the last year of his life as dementia took over, which was all my mom wanted.

I’ve worked on my “boundaries” which mean I support my mom and sister, have cut out my brother, and cultivate non-biological family-like relationships for my child.

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