Husband is dying - no life insurance or savings, I’m a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen you have 2 options.

1) get a higher paying job and figure out how to support yourself.

2) continue to teach, get divorced and find a man to support you

I will never ever get married again. No thank you. I choose #1!

You may not have that option sadly. You will try to raise 3 kids on a teachers salary but you won’t be able to and alas your last resort will be to marry.

Oh stfu. A "woman's only hope" isn't a man. Many single women have raised families. Please don't degrade them to such a disgusting sexist viewpoint.

No many single teachers do not raise 3 kids at the level that OP is custom to living.

If you choose to have 3 kids at a SAHM and your only prospect is teaching you will most likely need to marry again if you want your kids to go to college and you want to retire at 70.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen you have 2 options.

1) get a higher paying job and figure out how to support yourself.

2) continue to teach, get divorced and find a man to support you

I will never ever get married again. No thank you. I choose #1!

You may not have that option sadly. You will try to raise 3 kids on a teachers salary but you won’t be able to and alas your last resort will be to marry.

Oh stfu. A "woman's only hope" isn't a man. Many single women have raised families. Please don't degrade them to such a disgusting sexist viewpoint.

This is OP. I can work and hopefully get some SS benefits? I’ll move the kids into an apartment if I have to. They can go to state schools for college.

I’m not getting married for financial support. That’s crazy. I’m not even interested in dating. I need to focus on myself and my kids.

It's going to be hard to sign a lease without a job. That really has to be a top priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you are going through this!

If he can commit to sobriety, would he consider going on the waitlist for liver transplant? Have any of his providers mentioned this as an option

Yes, many many times. He can’t commit to sobriety is the problem. He pretends to be in recovery but always manages to drink between meetings, between breathalyzer and urine tests. He lies about it constantly. It’s wild the lengths he’ll go to to keep drinking. He doesn’t even appear drunk. I think he feels like he needs the booze to feel “normal”. After his first outpatient rehab, he drank for over a year in secret and I had no idea. Never once saw a bottle or smelled it or anything. I thought he was in recovery. Then he ended up in the hospital…

OP, continue to prioritize your AlAnon meetings. As you know, only an alcoholic can stop the drinking and prioritize their health. Husband's health is on him. Drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you are going through this!

If he can commit to sobriety, would he consider going on the waitlist for liver transplant? Have any of his providers mentioned this as an option

Yes, many many times. He can’t commit to sobriety is the problem. He pretends to be in recovery but always manages to drink between meetings, between breathalyzer and urine tests. He lies about it constantly. It’s wild the lengths he’ll go to to keep drinking. He doesn’t even appear drunk. I think he feels like he needs the booze to feel “normal”. After his first outpatient rehab, he drank for over a year in secret and I had no idea. Never once saw a bottle or smelled it or anything. I thought he was in recovery. Then he ended up in the hospital…

Has he had a complete psych exam and treatment? What you describe is classic bipolar behavior. Until underlying mental illness is treated, rehab won't stick. The drinking is partly self medicating. He needs a good psychiatrist and a stint inpatient being treated by people who understand both disorders.

https://alcorehab.org/the-effects-of-alcohol/bipolar-disorder-and-alcohol-abuse/

Where has he been living? What are the costs associated with that? Is he still being paid while not working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for you but why no job and three kids? Seems like you also made terrible choices.

Are you always this heartless???

Soren’s I just can’t imagine what posters here are thinking when they are beyond cruel like this.

It’s heartless but the truth. OP needs a job. It’s really that simple. She won’t get one for the same reasons she hasn’t been working.

Continuing to have kids with an alcoholic and not working but then asking for help when time is up?

I mean OP said in her first post that she was getting a job, but you probably know better.

Teaching jobs for fall hire NOW. OP could also be subbing for income and a reference. She said she planned to get a job, she hasn't shared any concrete steps.

OP needs to be more active and less reactive. The dysfunction of living with an addict carries over. She knew he was sick enough not to live with but still did not seek immediate income and legal advice. Teaching > subbing, tutoring, etc.

OP needs to try to get him fully diagnosed and optimally, discharged to rehab from the hospital. The hospital may have AA meetings. She needs to shore up the situation to maximize her options.

Which is why she is asking for advice, which you clearly have. Just lay off the shaming. it isn't helpful at all.

I don’t think we are shaming, just pointing out that she has some agency in all of this too. Three kids don’t suddenly appear out of nowhere. She made this choice, with this guy. Now she needs to start making better choices. Like finding a job vs attending Al Anon meetings.

Alcoholism is a family disease. OP needs the continual support of AlAnon to heal herself. OP, don't let posters disparage your support from AlAnon meetings. Continue to prioritize your AlAnon meetings. It is tough having an active alcoholic, not in recovery, in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you are going through this!

If he can commit to sobriety, would he consider going on the waitlist for liver transplant? Have any of his providers mentioned this as an option

Yes, many many times. He can’t commit to sobriety is the problem. He pretends to be in recovery but always manages to drink between meetings, between breathalyzer and urine tests. He lies about it constantly. It’s wild the lengths he’ll go to to keep drinking. He doesn’t even appear drunk. I think he feels like he needs the booze to feel “normal”. After his first outpatient rehab, he drank for over a year in secret and I had no idea. Never once saw a bottle or smelled it or anything. I thought he was in recovery. Then he ended up in the hospital…

Has he had a complete psych exam and treatment? What you describe is classic bipolar behavior. Until underlying mental illness is treated, rehab won't stick. The drinking is partly self medicating. He needs a good psychiatrist and a stint inpatient being treated by people who understand both disorders.

https://alcorehab.org/the-effects-of-alcohol/bipolar-disorder-and-alcohol-abuse/

Where has he been living? What are the costs associated with that? Is he still being paid while not working?

This is active alcoholic behavior. Unless husband wants to stop drinking, he won't.

[Anonymous]

OP is continuing her SAHM lifestyle w/o a sense of urgency is the thing. She says, well I could downsize the kids into an apartment if I had to, but no one is going to let her sign a lease without a JOB. Teachers are hired on a certain cycle, which is NOW, which surely OP knows. She doesn't have the luxury of so much "processing time" at the moment when her kids need food and shelter. She should know how DH's debt impacts her with the consults she has been having. She's here to crowdsource and process more. It's not productive. Taking care of the kids is taking care of BUSINESS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is continuing her SAHM lifestyle w/o a sense of urgency is the thing. She says, well I could downsize the kids into an apartment if I had to, but no one is going to let her sign a lease without a JOB. Teachers are hired on a certain cycle, which is NOW, which surely OP knows. She doesn't have the luxury of so much "processing time" at the moment when her kids need food and shelter. She should know how DH's debt impacts her with the consults she has been having. She's here to crowdsource and process more. It's not productive. Taking care of the kids is taking care of BUSINESS.

She’s supposed to dive into a new career and hire childcare for kids while everyone is grieving the loss of dad? She has affairs to get in order, a funeral to plan, she’ll likely have an onslaught of out-of-town company. This is a tricky time to be able to show up as a reliable new employee while also providing consistent care for the children.

Stay in Al Anon. Hug your children. One day at a time. Meet with your attorney and see what he/she thinks you need to tackle first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is continuing her SAHM lifestyle w/o a sense of urgency is the thing. She says, well I could downsize the kids into an apartment if I had to, but no one is going to let her sign a lease without a JOB. Teachers are hired on a certain cycle, which is NOW, which surely OP knows. She doesn't have the luxury of so much "processing time" at the moment when her kids need food and shelter. She should know how DH's debt impacts her with the consults she has been having. She's here to crowdsource and process more. It's not productive. Taking care of the kids is taking care of BUSINESS.

She’s supposed to dive into a new career and hire childcare for kids while everyone is grieving the loss of dad? She has affairs to get in order, a funeral to plan, she’ll likely have an onslaught of out-of-town company. This is a tricky time to be able to show up as a reliable new employee while also providing consistent care for the children.

Stay in Al Anon. Hug your children. One day at a time. Meet with your attorney and see what he/she thinks you need to tackle first.

What? He’s alive. No funeral happening or out of town guests to entertain.

May/June is the hiring time for teachers - for a position that starts in late August. This is the time to get a job, this is absolutely the best time to focus on this. Not plan a funeral for a person who is still alive.

[Anonymous]

If he ends up on Long Term disability, the employer policy may give you the option to add to it.

[Anonymous]

Sorry meant to say that you may be able to add to the Life Insurance Policy if/when he is on Long Term Disability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is continuing her SAHM lifestyle w/o a sense of urgency is the thing. She says, well I could downsize the kids into an apartment if I had to, but no one is going to let her sign a lease without a JOB. Teachers are hired on a certain cycle, which is NOW, which surely OP knows. She doesn't have the luxury of so much "processing time" at the moment when her kids need food and shelter. She should know how DH's debt impacts her with the consults she has been having. She's here to crowdsource and process more. It's not productive. Taking care of the kids is taking care of BUSINESS.

She’s supposed to dive into a new career and hire childcare for kids while everyone is grieving the loss of dad? She has affairs to get in order, a funeral to plan, she’ll likely have an onslaught of out-of-town company. This is a tricky time to be able to show up as a reliable new employee while also providing consistent care for the children.

Stay in Al Anon. Hug your children. One day at a time. Meet with your attorney and see what he/she thinks you need to tackle first.

He’s not dead. She needs to get to work and find out exactly what her responsibilities are regarding their debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry meant to say that you may be able to add to the Life Insurance Policy if/when he is on Long Term Disability.

No way can he get more life insurance with his health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you are going through this!

If he can commit to sobriety, would he consider going on the waitlist for liver transplant? Have any of his providers mentioned this as an option

Yes, many many times. He can’t commit to sobriety is the problem. He pretends to be in recovery but always manages to drink between meetings, between breathalyzer and urine tests. He lies about it constantly. It’s wild the lengths he’ll go to to keep drinking. He doesn’t even appear drunk. I think he feels like he needs the booze to feel “normal”. After his first outpatient rehab, he drank for over a year in secret and I had no idea. Never once saw a bottle or smelled it or anything. I thought he was in recovery. Then he ended up in the hospital…

Has he had a complete psych exam and treatment? What you describe is classic bipolar behavior. Until underlying mental illness is treated, rehab won't stick. The drinking is partly self medicating. He needs a good psychiatrist and a stint inpatient being treated by people who understand both disorders.

https://alcorehab.org/the-effects-of-alcohol/bipolar-disorder-and-alcohol-abuse/

Where has he been living? What are the costs associated with that? Is he still being paid while not working?

This is active alcoholic behavior. Unless husband wants to stop drinking, he won't.

It's likely both. The spending is classic bipolar. Until and unless underlying mental illnesses are treated, rehab will not work. The impulsivity needs to be addressed. They are often co-morbid, educate yourself. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8021702/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry meant to say that you may be able to add to the Life Insurance Policy if/when he is on Long Term Disability.

No way can he get more life insurance with his health.

The only option is probably the group policy.