Husband is dying - no life insurance or savings, I’m a SAHM

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t divorce. It sounds like you really don’t want to have a job so this is the price you pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the hiring cycle for teachers for fall is NOW, have you been actively looking?

No, I’ve been grieving the loss of my husband/marriage while trying to take decent care of the kids by myself. When the youngest is in preschool I go to therapy, Al Anon meetings, and initial consultations with attorneys.

What hours does your child go to preschool?

If you have done legal consults what has been suggested? Particularly about the debt in his name?

What do DH's doctors say? Have you discussed rehab with them? Having a psych eval for bipolar?

Who is living in the house?

If you miss the hiring cycle you will be screwed. You need a career job with benefits. You have to prioritize that, it's your means to survival.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you are going through this but I don’t understand how you have 600k in equity in the house but owe $720k on the house?

The house is worth about 1.3 now but they have a heloc

[Anonymous]

Girl get a job
Not a teaching job a real job.

[Anonymous]

OP, what grades have you taught?

Knowing you will have a stable income and benefits will help your anxiety a lot. Brush up your resume this weekend and send it out. Good luck!

Teaching is a real job, PP. It also has a schedule that will help minimize childcare costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband is an alcoholic. He has cirrhosis, chronic pancreatitis, PVT, and hepatic encephalopathy. He’s in the hospital. Again. This happens every few months and it’s just a matter of time.

We are currently separated bc the chaos of living under the same roof as him was unbearable.

I’ve done everything in my power to hold the household and the kids together. 3 kids under age 10. At first I was hopeful he’d get better but recovery never sticks. He doesn’t want to stop drinking.

He’s an impulsive spender. Never plans. Never communicates. Loves to put things on credit cards. He switched jobs recently and his group life insurance policy sucks. The payout is less than one year of his salary. So it’s essentially non-existant. We have no savings. No college funds for kids. We have $600k equity in the house. $350k retirement funds. Pulled a credit report on my husband and between house, cars, and consumer credit cards, he owes $915k. ($750k is the house. $40k cars. $70k HELOC. The rest is consumer CC debt.) Every single debt is in his name.

I’m horrified by the debt. I begrudgingly signed off on the heloc. Then the cars were purchased without my approval. I had no idea he had so much credit card debt… but he had to hide how much he was drinking and never makes more than minimum payments..

So now that I know he’s dying and I know we’re screwed financially, what on earth can I do? I plan to return to work in the fall (teacher) but that won’t get us very far.

What have the doctors actually SAID about his prognosis? Treating his alcoholism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is what it is but you are alive and can gradually dig your way out of it. Good luck!

This. Get a job and just do the best you can. All those therapies could be working hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen you have 2 options.

1) get a higher paying job and figure out how to support yourself.

2) continue to teach, get divorced and find a man to support you

I will never ever get married again. No thank you. I choose #1!

You may not have that option sadly. You will try to raise 3 kids on a teachers salary but you won’t be able to and alas your last resort will be to marry.

[Anonymous]

Taking care of your kids is having income you can control and health insurance, OP.

With lawyers, therapists and Al Anon on board, what are you hoping to get here re: financial advice? You can't take advice from a parenting board, after the lawyers you need a financial planner. Ask about debt.

Talk to the doctors about antabuse and a mood stabilizer. It's in your interest for DH to keep bringing in money while alive. Perhaps increasing his life insurance, too. If he's more stable that gives you more options.

How much is the rent/utilities for the 2nd residence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen you have 2 options.

1) get a higher paying job and figure out how to support yourself.

2) continue to teach, get divorced and find a man to support you

I will never ever get married again. No thank you. I choose #1!

You may not have that option sadly. You will try to raise 3 kids on a teachers salary but you won’t be able to and alas your last resort will be to marry.

Oh stfu. A "woman's only hope" isn't a man. Many single women have raised families. Please don't degrade them to such a disgusting sexist viewpoint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry you have to deal with this. It must be so hard for you and the kids.

-Sell a car now and make the proceeds your emergency fund.

-Take 1/2 life insurance payout and save it or put it in low cost index funds.

-Don't touch retirement accounts until 59.

-Get a job as soon as kids go back to school in August.

Do you have any savings from before you became a SAHM? Parental help? Siblings? How old are you? 30s? 40s? Kids age?

Thank you for the helpful advice. I have about $2k to my name right now in my personal acct. My parents might help financially if I really needed it. They are not local and too old to provide any physical help like babysitting. No local family at all. I have a sister on the west coast. Husband’s family isn’t local either. Everyone is a plane ride away. I’m in my 40s. Kids are 4, 6, and 9. I’ve lived and worked in the DC area for 20 years so I do have very close friends who are extremely supportive and helpful.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you are going through this!

If he can commit to sobriety, would he consider going on the waitlist for liver transplant? Have any of his providers mentioned this as an option

[Anonymous]

Time to climb back on the horse and send out resumes, OP. Once you have something lined up for fall you will feel better. See if a friend can help re: your resume and cover letter and just crank them out. Hopefully your license is current?

See if the doctors can help stabilize DH's mental health, it will make the alcoholism easier to address. Livers can be very resilient. If his moods are stabilized, the spending will be tamed. Is DH being paid his salary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen you have 2 options.

1) get a higher paying job and figure out how to support yourself.

2) continue to teach, get divorced and find a man to support you

I will never ever get married again. No thank you. I choose #1!

You may not have that option sadly. You will try to raise 3 kids on a teachers salary but you won’t be able to and alas your last resort will be to marry.

Oh stfu. A "woman's only hope" isn't a man. Many single women have raised families. Please don't degrade them to such a disgusting sexist viewpoint.

This is OP. I can work and hopefully get some SS benefits? I’ll move the kids into an apartment if I have to. They can go to state schools for college.

I’m not getting married for financial support. That’s crazy. I’m not even interested in dating. I need to focus on myself and my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry you are going through this!

If he can commit to sobriety, would he consider going on the waitlist for liver transplant? Have any of his providers mentioned this as an option

Yes, many many times. He can’t commit to sobriety is the problem. He pretends to be in recovery but always manages to drink between meetings, between breathalyzer and urine tests. He lies about it constantly. It’s wild the lengths he’ll go to to keep drinking. He doesn’t even appear drunk. I think he feels like he needs the booze to feel “normal”. After his first outpatient rehab, he drank for over a year in secret and I had no idea. Never once saw a bottle or smelled it or anything. I thought he was in recovery. Then he ended up in the hospital…