Reply to Friend says I treated her "like an errand boy".

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here:

FWIW, we do things for each other frequently. She may ask me to drop by her house and let her dog out in the middle of the day or sometimes I keep the dog if she is out of town for the weekend. I don’t ask for payment, she’s never offered. She has helped me with setting up for an event at my house and I have offered up my home for her to have events (she has had her child’s party here, and she’s had a church brunch here). I run a small business and I have made special orders for her and she knows she doesn’t have to pay for them like a regular customer would. We don’t go tit for tat but this isn’t a situation where I constantly lean on her/take and never give.

To those who asked, yes I have a little more money than she does but it’s never been an issue. I have loaned her money in the past (with the clear understanding that she doesn’t have to pay it back, it can just be a friendly gift. I’m happy to help out).

I called her to ask what she meant. She started ranting about money and something that happened the last time we went out. Basically, I ordered a bottle of wine for the table and I had them put it on my tab since it would be ridiculous for her to have to go in on a more expensive bottle that she wouldn’t have otherwise ordered. [/quote]

It sounds like there may be a money/power dynamic at play that you are perhaps a bit obtuse about. I can feel the dynamic reading this post. [/quote]

It seems like you are trying to be kind, but end up, probably unwittingly, throwing your weight around with money and it makes her feel small. [/quote]

OP here .How can I avoid doing this in the future?  She is fine with accepting these things but deep down feels hurt/discomfort/anger?? I'm just not understanding, but I would like to.

For example, she asked me if she could host her son's birthday at my house because I would have space for the amount of people she wanted to invite. She also didn't want to have to rent a space. I agreed to let her do it because I know she (and her guests) would take care of my house and I enjoy having gatherings anyway. I am not strongarming her into these things. That's where I'm not clear on how not to do these things. [/quote]

OP, as the friend who usually has more money, this is something I have been sensitive to/aware of for a long time now.

Offering to watch her dog or host a party without having her pay is nice. You are clearly a giving friend and she is ok asking you to do these things. You paying her an exorbitant amount of money for a task she said she would do was weird because that was a way for her to pay you back for the things you have done. She doesn't pay you to do her favors - you paid her to do you one. She wanted to be your FRIEND, and your friendship consists of you doing nice things for her for free. She had a chance to reciprocate and you paid her for it. That's not letting her be a friend. [/quote]

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