It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

Do you know any real people? Most people who work wouldn’t call it exciting experiences, it is a paycheck. Very few people make or female really love their jobs. Also if you think SAHMS just mop and fold laundry then you must not know any. There are many valuable and rewarding ways in which one can use their time.

Like Pilates and lunch duty?

If not, can you explain what is valuable and rewarding?

Oh come on now. NP but why are you being so dense? I’m a SAHM. I was previously an attorney. I majored in STEM. I love immersing my children in science and math experiments, going to the museums with them and spending time at the library. I find it super rewarding to watch them learn and explore the world around them, and I add value by exposing them to new things and educating them.

When I was working, I never set foot in their school. Now I actually do sometimes volunteer for lunch duty and actually, it’s been really helpful to get to know their classmates, teachers and see the dynamics at school. I also love being able to pick them up after school and hear about their day - I find it’s the time that they are most open and honest about what went on during the school day.

I also loved practicing law - I practiced in Big Law for 15 years. One is not Bette than the other, both can be rewarding and valuable.

So. I work and still do all the things you do.

I still would not describe it as valuable and rewarding.

I like science so we do experiments big deal, they won’t even remember it pre 10 years old it’s just a vague memory.

Lunch duty is in my valuable to the teacher who got a break from it.

It’s not earth shattering, it’s just life.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, you could practice law and not be big law and do all those things.

I'm the attorney-turned-SAHM PP. I think there's a disconnect here. I was responding to a poster who implied that all SAHMs do is "Pilates and lunch duty" and that staying at home was not "rewarding or valuable." I wasn't trying to compare working moms to SAHMs.

But since you want to compare, no, you do not work full time and do "all the things" a SAHM does. Unless you don't sleep?

For starters, I volunteer on occasion at school during the workday and I pick up my kid each day, and chat with their teacher. I also go on field trips with the kids and do one off events at the school. Adding in driving time, this probably eats up an average of 8 to 10 hours each week during "working hours." You claim that you do these things, but also work full time. Assuming full time = 40 hours a week, when do you make up the 8-10 hours referenced above? At night? I used to do that too. Many many nights I was logging in after my kids' bedtime, sometimes working until 10, 11 PM. I found it very tiring.

Next, during the 3-5 PM spot, I help my kids with homework, reading, go shopping for anything they need, do their extracurriculars, hit up playgrounds, museums and even do those darn science experiments you mention. We also just talk about their day and enjoy the afternoon. If you work full time, you don't get 3-5 PM with your kid. Yet you claim to do everything I do. So are you telling me that between, say 5 and 8 PM, you do everything above, plus make and eat dinner, do laundry, clean the house and get kids ready for bed? I've love to see how you squeeze all that in between 5 and 8!

At 8 PM, my kids are down and my husband and I have some nice time to reconnect and hang out. Let me guess, you work full time and also have that time built in with your spouse, and you also have the best spouse in the world, and your marriage is perfect?

Look, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a SAHM, nor is there anything wrong with being a working mom. But you are doing yourself a disservice by believing that a working mom can - and should - do all the things a SAHM does. You're going to burn out. I look forward to understanding how you squeeze in 40 hours of work, plus all the child related things listed above, plus reconnecting with your husband each night, plus getting 8 hours of sleep, plus getting your physical exercise in, etc etc etc.

I do all the things you describe that are worth doing. And when I’m off work I just chill during the day - is like a vaca.
I take the kids to school/ chat to the teacher if needed/ go workout/ shower - start work (usually remotely but sometimes go in), can block off hour if needed to go on field trip. My kids have sports and things after school at school every day except Friday so I or dh pick them up at 5 after that, either go somewhere or go home, dinner, hang. Then after they go to bed I hop back online and do another 1.5h or so of work, then have a glass of wine and hang w dh. What I don’t have is time for me. So I’m prob crankier overall sometimes to be fair. But I do all the things
It’s fine that you don’t work but don’t act like you are doing so much more.

Also fyi I’m pretty senior at this point (like many moms) so I don’t have a boss cracking the whip for me to be at a desk for 9h. But I do earn in the high six figures so it’s entirely possible!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

Do you know any real people? Most people who work wouldn’t call it exciting experiences, it is a paycheck. Very few people make or female really love their jobs. Also if you think SAHMS just mop and fold laundry then you must not know any. There are many valuable and rewarding ways in which one can use their time.

Like Pilates and lunch duty?

If not, can you explain what is valuable and rewarding?

Oh come on now. NP but why are you being so dense? I’m a SAHM. I was previously an attorney. I majored in STEM. I love immersing my children in science and math experiments, going to the museums with them and spending time at the library. I find it super rewarding to watch them learn and explore the world around them, and I add value by exposing them to new things and educating them.

When I was working, I never set foot in their school. Now I actually do sometimes volunteer for lunch duty and actually, it’s been really helpful to get to know their classmates, teachers and see the dynamics at school. I also love being able to pick them up after school and hear about their day - I find it’s the time that they are most open and honest about what went on during the school day.

I also loved practicing law - I practiced in Big Law for 15 years. One is not Bette than the other, both can be rewarding and valuable.

So. I work and still do all the things you do.

I still would not describe it as valuable and rewarding.

I like science so we do experiments big deal, they won’t even remember it pre 10 years old it’s just a vague memory.

Lunch duty is in my valuable to the teacher who got a break from it.

It’s not earth shattering, it’s just life.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, you could practice law and not be big law and do all those things.

I'm the attorney-turned-SAHM PP. I think there's a disconnect here. I was responding to a poster who implied that all SAHMs do is "Pilates and lunch duty" and that staying at home was not "rewarding or valuable." I wasn't trying to compare working moms to SAHMs.

But since you want to compare, no, you do not work full time and do "all the things" a SAHM does. Unless you don't sleep?

For starters, I volunteer on occasion at school during the workday and I pick up my kid each day, and chat with their teacher. I also go on field trips with the kids and do one off events at the school. Adding in driving time, this probably eats up an average of 8 to 10 hours each week during "working hours." You claim that you do these things, but also work full time. Assuming full time = 40 hours a week, when do you make up the 8-10 hours referenced above? At night? I used to do that too. Many many nights I was logging in after my kids' bedtime, sometimes working until 10, 11 PM. I found it very tiring.

Next, during the 3-5 PM spot, I help my kids with homework, reading, go shopping for anything they need, do their extracurriculars, hit up playgrounds, museums and even do those darn science experiments you mention. We also just talk about their day and enjoy the afternoon. If you work full time, you don't get 3-5 PM with your kid. Yet you claim to do everything I do. So are you telling me that between, say 5 and 8 PM, you do everything above, plus make and eat dinner, do laundry, clean the house and get kids ready for bed? I've love to see how you squeeze all that in between 5 and 8!

At 8 PM, my kids are down and my husband and I have some nice time to reconnect and hang out. Let me guess, you work full time and also have that time built in with your spouse, and you also have the best spouse in the world, and your marriage is perfect?

Look, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a SAHM, nor is there anything wrong with being a working mom. But you are doing yourself a disservice by believing that a working mom can - and should - do all the things a SAHM does. You're going to burn out. I look forward to understanding how you squeeze in 40 hours of work, plus all the child related things listed above, plus reconnecting with your husband each night, plus getting 8 hours of sleep, plus getting your physical exercise in, etc etc etc.

Your husband is conspicuously missing from your children’s lives.

I wah 6-2:30 or 7-3:30

My H does morning routine and is at work at 9-5, commute 15 minutes.

We carpool to school, so I drive 1x my h 1x and the other family 2x … we split Friday.

I can do laundry at lunch. I put a load in in the am, switch it during the day, fold at lunch.

I mean really laundry is quicker than making a water.

I don’t clean, I have a cleaner.

We live to cook so I cook 3 night my h 2 nights and weekends are usually spent with family.

I do math and science hw with the kids, my h does English and history.

I coach soccer and basketball, my H coaches football and lacrosse. I’m the secretary for the sports committee. I do lunch duty during my lunch hour. My husband also volunteers at school.

When the kids were teens I planned prom, auctions, etc.

Still nothing is valuable.., it’s just fun.

My h reads to me while i cook and we go on dates every other weekend. Plus we take 1 day off 4x a year to do a whole day date during school hours.

It’s very doable especially if you integrate your husband into your children’s lives.

If you want to not work don’t work but don’t pretend there is some altruistic value to it.

I’ve recently decided to not work, because I don’t want to for a while not because im a saint or doing gods work.

I wouldn’t want to work if I were you, either. Who on earth would want to work from 6 AM to 230 PM and then switch to mom mode and be doing homework, dinner, coaching kid sports until 8 PM. I’m glad you are able to take some time off!

Me I love it. I had the same shift pre kids. When I vacation I’m up hiking, riding bikes, or running at 6am. I love the morning.

“Switch to mom mode” lol… you mean playing, going to parks, riding bikes, painting, reading, coloring, creeking?

You sound exhausting, it’s not intense to play outside or even insides.

Coaching is enjoyable not a job. Cooking takes 30-40 minutes… it’s not complicated.

Good for you! Sorry if “mom mode” was offensive? I just meant turn off the email, shut down the computer, and shift your focus to the kids. I didn’t mean that to be an insult. Glad you have found a schedule and rhythm that works for you, I apologize if my previous post came off rude, I can see that now but I meant it as if I was talking to a friend and saying I’m glad you’re getting some time to rest and chill, you have earned it! <3

[Anonymous]

I'm the former working mom, now SAHM PP. I apologize for anything I said that was taken to insinuate working moms don't "do it all." I see now there's a disconnect - I was only talking about my experience, which shouldn't have been extrapolated to everyone's unique circumstances.

I'm amazed by all the working moms on this thread who are truly rocking it at work and at home. Hope everyone has a great day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

Do you know any real people? Most people who work wouldn’t call it exciting experiences, it is a paycheck. Very few people make or female really love their jobs. Also if you think SAHMS just mop and fold laundry then you must not know any. There are many valuable and rewarding ways in which one can use their time.

Like Pilates and lunch duty?

If not, can you explain what is valuable and rewarding?

Oh come on now. NP but why are you being so dense? I’m a SAHM. I was previously an attorney. I majored in STEM. I love immersing my children in science and math experiments, going to the museums with them and spending time at the library. I find it super rewarding to watch them learn and explore the world around them, and I add value by exposing them to new things and educating them.

When I was working, I never set foot in their school. Now I actually do sometimes volunteer for lunch duty and actually, it’s been really helpful to get to know their classmates, teachers and see the dynamics at school. I also love being able to pick them up after school and hear about their day - I find it’s the time that they are most open and honest about what went on during the school day.

I also loved practicing law - I practiced in Big Law for 15 years. One is not Bette than the other, both can be rewarding and valuable.

So. I work and still do all the things you do.

I still would not describe it as valuable and rewarding.

I like science so we do experiments big deal, they won’t even remember it pre 10 years old it’s just a vague memory.

Lunch duty is in my valuable to the teacher who got a break from it.

It’s not earth shattering, it’s just life.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, you could practice law and not be big law and do all those things.

I'm the attorney-turned-SAHM PP. I think there's a disconnect here. I was responding to a poster who implied that all SAHMs do is "Pilates and lunch duty" and that staying at home was not "rewarding or valuable." I wasn't trying to compare working moms to SAHMs.

But since you want to compare, no, you do not work full time and do "all the things" a SAHM does. Unless you don't sleep?

For starters, I volunteer on occasion at school during the workday and I pick up my kid each day, and chat with their teacher. I also go on field trips with the kids and do one off events at the school. Adding in driving time, this probably eats up an average of 8 to 10 hours each week during "working hours." You claim that you do these things, but also work full time. Assuming full time = 40 hours a week, when do you make up the 8-10 hours referenced above? At night? I used to do that too. Many many nights I was logging in after my kids' bedtime, sometimes working until 10, 11 PM. I found it very tiring.

Next, during the 3-5 PM spot, I help my kids with homework, reading, go shopping for anything they need, do their extracurriculars, hit up playgrounds, museums and even do those darn science experiments you mention. We also just talk about their day and enjoy the afternoon. If you work full time, you don't get 3-5 PM with your kid. Yet you claim to do everything I do. So are you telling me that between, say 5 and 8 PM, you do everything above, plus make and eat dinner, do laundry, clean the house and get kids ready for bed? I've love to see how you squeeze all that in between 5 and 8!

At 8 PM, my kids are down and my husband and I have some nice time to reconnect and hang out. Let me guess, you work full time and also have that time built in with your spouse, and you also have the best spouse in the world, and your marriage is perfect?

Look, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a SAHM, nor is there anything wrong with being a working mom. But you are doing yourself a disservice by believing that a working mom can - and should - do all the things a SAHM does. You're going to burn out. I look forward to understanding how you squeeze in 40 hours of work, plus all the child related things listed above, plus reconnecting with your husband each night, plus getting 8 hours of sleep, plus getting your physical exercise in, etc etc etc.

I’m not the poster you quoted, but you seem very defensive and there’s no reason to be.

By the time many of us had our kids, we were able to expect flexibilities at work to allow much do what you describe. I can volunteer for any trip, read to class, etc. I do it when my daughter asks, which has so far been twice.

Since having my baby my team only does meetings between 10-4, and I arrive at work after dropping my daughter off at 8:30. The last hour of work are typically things that can be done while my husband does bathtime. His relationship with our kid also matters. After that, like you, we chill out. I exercise in the morning and take long walks with my kid after school.

The thing you do that I don’t do is laundry and cleaning the house, those are outsourced.

Agreed, as another WOHM. Except I do laundry (maybe I should outsource that too!)

The only way it's feasible is having a job that's flexible. But I do work 40+ hours a week. I don't generally work late, but often work at my child's activity after I get here there. I volunteer at certain activities at school, not all, but neither do most SAHMs I know either (particularly if they have younger kids that are still at home with them). I don't pick DD up from school, but she takes the bus as it's easier/quicker for all. I quit a job when I was pregnant because I knew I would have no flexibility and it would be miserable. Best thing I ever did was starting a new, more flexible job when my DD was an infant.

For sure it's crazy and working PT would be the best of both world's, it's just not really an option in my profession, so I make it work the best I can.

Outsource FOR SURE. Set it to be returned Friday. Leave bags folded until dad takes kids to swim Saturday morning. Put away while drinking coffee and listening to an audiobook. Total weekly laundry investment: 21 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Well yeah of course. Being a stay at home mom is a full-time job. But being a work out of the home means you have two full time jobs which is exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

Do you know any real people? Most people who work wouldn’t call it exciting experiences, it is a paycheck. Very few people make or female really love their jobs. Also if you think SAHMS just mop and fold laundry then you must not know any. There are many valuable and rewarding ways in which one can use their time.

Like Pilates and lunch duty?

If not, can you explain what is valuable and rewarding?

Oh come on now. NP but why are you being so dense? I’m a SAHM. I was previously an attorney. I majored in STEM. I love immersing my children in science and math experiments, going to the museums with them and spending time at the library. I find it super rewarding to watch them learn and explore the world around them, and I add value by exposing them to new things and educating them.

When I was working, I never set foot in their school. Now I actually do sometimes volunteer for lunch duty and actually, it’s been really helpful to get to know their classmates, teachers and see the dynamics at school. I also love being able to pick them up after school and hear about their day - I find it’s the time that they are most open and honest about what went on during the school day.

I also loved practicing law - I practiced in Big Law for 15 years. One is not Bette than the other, both can be rewarding and valuable.

So. I work and still do all the things you do.

I still would not describe it as valuable and rewarding.

I like science so we do experiments big deal, they won’t even remember it pre 10 years old it’s just a vague memory.

Lunch duty is in my valuable to the teacher who got a break from it.

It’s not earth shattering, it’s just life.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, you could practice law and not be big law and do all those things.

I'm the attorney-turned-SAHM PP. I think there's a disconnect here. I was responding to a poster who implied that all SAHMs do is "Pilates and lunch duty" and that staying at home was not "rewarding or valuable." I wasn't trying to compare working moms to SAHMs.

But since you want to compare, no, you do not work full time and do "all the things" a SAHM does. Unless you don't sleep?

For starters, I volunteer on occasion at school during the workday and I pick up my kid each day, and chat with their teacher. I also go on field trips with the kids and do one off events at the school. Adding in driving time, this probably eats up an average of 8 to 10 hours each week during "working hours." You claim that you do these things, but also work full time. Assuming full time = 40 hours a week, when do you make up the 8-10 hours referenced above? At night? I used to do that too. Many many nights I was logging in after my kids' bedtime, sometimes working until 10, 11 PM. I found it very tiring.

Next, during the 3-5 PM spot, I help my kids with homework, reading, go shopping for anything they need, do their extracurriculars, hit up playgrounds, museums and even do those darn science experiments you mention. We also just talk about their day and enjoy the afternoon. If you work full time, you don't get 3-5 PM with your kid. Yet you claim to do everything I do. So are you telling me that between, say 5 and 8 PM, you do everything above, plus make and eat dinner, do laundry, clean the house and get kids ready for bed? I've love to see how you squeeze all that in between 5 and 8!

At 8 PM, my kids are down and my husband and I have some nice time to reconnect and hang out. Let me guess, you work full time and also have that time built in with your spouse, and you also have the best spouse in the world, and your marriage is perfect?

Look, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a SAHM, nor is there anything wrong with being a working mom. But you are doing yourself a disservice by believing that a working mom can - and should - do all the things a SAHM does. You're going to burn out. I look forward to understanding how you squeeze in 40 hours of work, plus all the child related things listed above, plus reconnecting with your husband each night, plus getting 8 hours of sleep, plus getting your physical exercise in, etc etc etc.

Regarding the bit about hanging out with DH each evening...I've been a SAHM, a PT working mom, and a FT WOHM, and have never had that weekday evening time with my DH because HIS job requires that HE be logged back on during that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well yeah of course. Being a stay at home mom is a full-time job. But being a work out of the home means you have two full time jobs which is exhausting.

Being a sahm to school aged is NOT a full time job. I think that’s been clearly established.
Which is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

Do you know any real people? Most people who work wouldn’t call it exciting experiences, it is a paycheck. Very few people make or female really love their jobs. Also if you think SAHMS just mop and fold laundry then you must not know any. There are many valuable and rewarding ways in which one can use their time.

Like Pilates and lunch duty?

If not, can you explain what is valuable and rewarding?

Oh come on now. NP but why are you being so dense? I’m a SAHM. I was previously an attorney. I majored in STEM. I love immersing my children in science and math experiments, going to the museums with them and spending time at the library. I find it super rewarding to watch them learn and explore the world around them, and I add value by exposing them to new things and educating them.

When I was working, I never set foot in their school. Now I actually do sometimes volunteer for lunch duty and actually, it’s been really helpful to get to know their classmates, teachers and see the dynamics at school. I also love being able to pick them up after school and hear about their day - I find it’s the time that they are most open and honest about what went on during the school day.

I also loved practicing law - I practiced in Big Law for 15 years. One is not Bette than the other, both can be rewarding and valuable.

So. I work and still do all the things you do.

I still would not describe it as valuable and rewarding.

I like science so we do experiments big deal, they won’t even remember it pre 10 years old it’s just a vague memory.

Lunch duty is in my valuable to the teacher who got a break from it.

It’s not earth shattering, it’s just life.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, you could practice law and not be big law and do all those things.

DP but your tone reads as though you don’t actually genuinely enjoy any if the things you do. Maybe you’re actually burnt out and that’s why you fail to see value in the non earth shattering, “just life” moments? Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well yeah of course. Being a stay at home mom is a full-time job. But being a work out of the home means you have two full time jobs which is exhausting.

Being a sahm to school aged is NOT a full time job. I think that’s been clearly established.
Which is ok.

It depends. You can be an intense cook, cleaner, gardener, handyperson, room parent, helping neighbor or family, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% true even if stay at home moms love to pretend it’s not. Because their life is just sooooooo hard.

Eh. I agree with OP--it is easier to be a better parent when not trying to balance a paid job. But, being a SAHM is, for many women, soooo hard. I mean, if you have 1 kid and a full time nanny and tons of money, I imagine that is a cushy life. But that isn't the typical SAHM. My friends who have done it have 2-5 kids, varying amounts of money, and someone always needs something. I only have one SAHM friend whose husband truly takes on an equal share of work between 5:30 pm or so and 8 am or so. For the most part, SAHMs seem to do ALL or almost all of the kid and household stuff. I would go out of my mind in that situation. Yes, I get that there are some women who do all of almost all of the household and kid stuff except for outsourcing childcare while they also work a full-time job, and that would also be a nightmare to me. But I know more working moms with spouses that do their share of the work than SAHMs with spouses doing their share (I don't mean 50%--but 50% of what needs to be done when the working spouse is not working).

Once the kids are school aged, it’s silly for the DH of a SAHM to do 50% after work hours. I have down time during the day when the kids are at school/camp, he doesn’t. Of course he should have down time in the evenings! He was completely hands on in the under-5 years and still is very involved, helps cook, drives to activities, even coaches. But now that the kids don’t need supervision for showers or evening play time, he’s fine to sit and read while I clean the kitchen or switch the laundry. I get my rest during his workday! I can’t imagine nickel-and-diming him when we have such a nice life thanks to him.

Idk… there is just something so pathetic about this dynamic to me. I don’t want my kids thinking “Dad goes into the world and makes money and has exciting experiences. Mom mops the kitchen and folds laundry.” It’s better to model a healthy, balanced relationship with spouses on equal footing.

Do you know any real people? Most people who work wouldn’t call it exciting experiences, it is a paycheck. Very few people make or female really love their jobs. Also if you think SAHMS just mop and fold laundry then you must not know any. There are many valuable and rewarding ways in which one can use their time.

Like Pilates and lunch duty?

If not, can you explain what is valuable and rewarding?

Oh come on now. NP but why are you being so dense? I’m a SAHM. I was previously an attorney. I majored in STEM. I love immersing my children in science and math experiments, going to the museums with them and spending time at the library. I find it super rewarding to watch them learn and explore the world around them, and I add value by exposing them to new things and educating them.

When I was working, I never set foot in their school. Now I actually do sometimes volunteer for lunch duty and actually, it’s been really helpful to get to know their classmates, teachers and see the dynamics at school. I also love being able to pick them up after school and hear about their day - I find it’s the time that they are most open and honest about what went on during the school day.

I also loved practicing law - I practiced in Big Law for 15 years. One is not Bette than the other, both can be rewarding and valuable.

So. I work and still do all the things you do.

I still would not describe it as valuable and rewarding.

I like science so we do experiments big deal, they won’t even remember it pre 10 years old it’s just a vague memory.

Lunch duty is in my valuable to the teacher who got a break from it.

It’s not earth shattering, it’s just life.

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, you could practice law and not be big law and do all those things.

I'm the attorney-turned-SAHM PP. I think there's a disconnect here. I was responding to a poster who implied that all SAHMs do is "Pilates and lunch duty" and that staying at home was not "rewarding or valuable." I wasn't trying to compare working moms to SAHMs.

But since you want to compare, no, you do not work full time and do "all the things" a SAHM does. Unless you don't sleep?

For starters, I volunteer on occasion at school during the workday and I pick up my kid each day, and chat with their teacher. I also go on field trips with the kids and do one off events at the school. Adding in driving time, this probably eats up an average of 8 to 10 hours each week during "working hours." You claim that you do these things, but also work full time. Assuming full time = 40 hours a week, when do you make up the 8-10 hours referenced above? At night? I used to do that too. Many many nights I was logging in after my kids' bedtime, sometimes working until 10, 11 PM. I found it very tiring.

Next, during the 3-5 PM spot, I help my kids with homework, reading, go shopping for anything they need, do their extracurriculars, hit up playgrounds, museums and even do those darn science experiments you mention. We also just talk about their day and enjoy the afternoon. If you work full time, you don't get 3-5 PM with your kid. Yet you claim to do everything I do. So are you telling me that between, say 5 and 8 PM, you do everything above, plus make and eat dinner, do laundry, clean the house and get kids ready for bed? I've love to see how you squeeze all that in between 5 and 8!

At 8 PM, my kids are down and my husband and I have some nice time to reconnect and hang out. Let me guess, you work full time and also have that time built in with your spouse, and you also have the best spouse in the world, and your marriage is perfect?

Look, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a SAHM, nor is there anything wrong with being a working mom. But you are doing yourself a disservice by believing that a working mom can - and should - do all the things a SAHM does. You're going to burn out. I look forward to understanding how you squeeze in 40 hours of work, plus all the child related things listed above, plus reconnecting with your husband each night, plus getting 8 hours of sleep, plus getting your physical exercise in, etc etc etc.

I’m not the poster you quoted, but you seem very defensive and there’s no reason to be.

By the time many of us had our kids, we were able to expect flexibilities at work to allow much do what you describe. I can volunteer for any trip, read to class, etc. I do it when my daughter asks, which has so far been twice.

Since having my baby my team only does meetings between 10-4, and I arrive at work after dropping my daughter off at 8:30. The last hour of work are typically things that can be done while my husband does bathtime. His relationship with our kid also matters. After that, like you, we chill out. I exercise in the morning and take long walks with my kid after school.

The thing you do that I don’t do is laundry and cleaning the house, those are outsourced.

Agreed, as another WOHM. Except I do laundry (maybe I should outsource that too!)

The only way it's feasible is having a job that's flexible. But I do work 40+ hours a week. I don't generally work late, but often work at my child's activity after I get here there. I volunteer at certain activities at school, not all, but neither do most SAHMs I know either (particularly if they have younger kids that are still at home with them). I don't pick DD up from school, but she takes the bus as it's easier/quicker for all. I quit a job when I was pregnant because I knew I would have no flexibility and it would be miserable. Best thing I ever did was starting a new, more flexible job when my DD was an infant.

For sure it's crazy and working PT would be the best of both world's, it's just not really an option in my profession, so I make it work the best I can.

Outsource FOR SURE. Set it to be returned Friday. Leave bags folded until dad takes kids to swim Saturday morning. Put away while drinking coffee and listening to an audiobook. Total weekly laundry investment: 21 minutes.

Maybe a dumb question... what do you do about things that need to be hung up, not folded? Surely they don't send those back hung... or do they? That's where I get stuck... the putting away part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well yeah of course. Being a stay at home mom is a full-time job. But being a work out of the home means you have two full time jobs which is exhausting.

Being a sahm to school aged is NOT a full time job. I think that’s been clearly established.
Which is ok.

100%. SAHM of an infant/toddler is not the same as SAHM to a school aged kid. Totally ok (and sounds delightful to me) but there's a distinction that needs to be made. Because I certainly do all that a SAHM of a school aged kid does, PLUS work a full time job. Now I cannot say this of a SAHM mom of an infant/toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well yeah of course. Being a stay at home mom is a full-time job. But being a work out of the home means you have two full time jobs which is exhausting.

Being a sahm to school aged is NOT a full time job. I think that’s been clearly established.
Which is ok.

It depends. You can be an intense cook, cleaner, gardener, handyperson, room parent, helping neighbor or family, etc.

Right? Often jobs are as intense as you make them. I certainly wasn’t working intensely for 8-9 hours straight at my paid employment with zero downtime/breaks/social interaction. I suspect a lot of other professional jobs are similar. The only full-time thing about it in many seasons was the fact that I had to be physically present full-time to take care of any tasks as they came up (and those tasks were often mundane and easy and quite frankly pointless). There were of course busy times where I worked my butt off, but that was not the norm.

I feel like maybe people don’t realize they hold SAHM as a “job” to a completely different standard than they might hold their own paid employment. Because I don’t think my experience was totally unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well yeah of course. Being a stay at home mom is a full-time job. But being a work out of the home means you have two full time jobs which is exhausting.

Being a sahm to school aged is NOT a full time job. I think that’s been clearly established.
Which is ok.

It depends. You can be an intense cook, cleaner, gardener, handyperson, room parent, helping neighbor or family, etc.

Right? Often jobs are as intense as you make them. I certainly wasn’t working intensely for 8-9 hours straight at my paid employment with zero downtime/breaks/social interaction. I suspect a lot of other professional jobs are similar. The only full-time thing about it in many seasons was the fact that I had to be physically present full-time to take care of any tasks as they came up (and those tasks were often mundane and easy and quite frankly pointless). There were of course busy times where I worked my butt off, but that was not the norm.

I feel like maybe people don’t realize they hold SAHM as a “job” to a completely different standard than they might hold their own paid employment. Because I don’t think my experience was totally unusual.

You were lucky to have an easy job. But when so. Being away from your home for 8 hours plus commute and having to spend your remaining waking hours caring for a child/children is exhausting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well yeah of course. Being a stay at home mom is a full-time job. But being a work out of the home means you have two full time jobs which is exhausting.

Being a sahm to school aged is NOT a full time job. I think that’s been clearly established.
Which is ok.

It depends. You can be an intense cook, cleaner, gardener, handyperson, room parent, helping neighbor or family, etc.

Those are not related to childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well yeah of course. Being a stay at home mom is a full-time job. But being a work out of the home means you have two full time jobs which is exhausting.

Being a sahm to school aged is NOT a full time job. I think that’s been clearly established.
Which is ok.

It depends. You can be an intense cook, cleaner, gardener, handyperson, room parent, helping neighbor or family, etc.

Right? Often jobs are as intense as you make them. I certainly wasn’t working intensely for 8-9 hours straight at my paid employment with zero downtime/breaks/social interaction. I suspect a lot of other professional jobs are similar. The only full-time thing about it in many seasons was the fact that I had to be physically present full-time to take care of any tasks as they came up (and those tasks were often mundane and easy and quite frankly pointless). There were of course busy times where I worked my butt off, but that was not the norm.

I feel like maybe people don’t realize they hold SAHM as a “job” to a completely different standard than they might hold their own paid employment. Because I don’t think my experience was totally unusual.

You were lucky to have an easy job. But when so. Being away from your home for 8 hours plus commute and having to spend your remaining waking hours caring for a child/children is exhausting

That’s the thing - you can do just as much stuff as a sahm if you work and have school aged kids - esp if you have location flex (which frankly I would not take a job without). You’re just more burned out.
But the ‘sahm to school aged kids is a full time job’ people need to just - stop.