Date has no online presence

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Are you the same op as the video dates thread

Why would that matter? I do video dates sometimes, this guy said he wasn't comfortable with a video date. He was more attractive in real life than on photos. Btw I had a video date with someone else just recently who really liked me. He immediately offered his actual phone number, job place, position, connect on LinkedIn. Name matched the number and location on google, he is an involved dad. I liked that openness, and although he's not as tall/hot, he is more educated, has well established career and better mannered.

Men don't realize they also have a competition for female attention and we will drop out if they try to install privacy locks on everything about them online. We live in modern world: it's not like I expect everyone to twit or Facebook but something should come up about a person when you google IMHO.

This also comes from my experience in hospitality business; when you don't check an ID and someone's name doesn't match the phone number on google it ends up in 90% cases with credit card fraud.

I am not a stalker (god forbid never call men first, or text them first). But ultimate purpose of dating is to find a sexual and hopefully life partner, and I want that search to be transparent.

Well, you obviously feel that this information should be easily accessible to the public or that the man who is the subject of this thread should give it to you, and he hasn't. You have multiple men competing for your attention and giving you all of this information, including one who is more educated, better mannered, and has a well established career. Seems to me like you should just forget about this man who you find suspicious and focus on all the better, un-shady ones calling and texting you.

OP here. He offered to meet for dinner yesterday. I woke up and there was no response from him to my text suggesting to spend an afternoon together over this long weekend for drinks and learn more about each other. Seems like a player to me, not really interested in learning more beside meeting in intimate settings while using his burner number. I moved on to schedule the LinkedIn IT guy to spend my afternoon with. I do try my online dating experience to be maximum approaching meeting someone via friends or colleagues. It just gives me a sense of trust.

Thanks everyone.

I wouldn't say he sounds like a player.
I would say good luck with IT guy, but you'll find a reason to red flag him too

He did respond that it’s a great idea to spend an afternoon, but it took him over 24 hrs to respond to my text. He’s probably not that interested and dating many women as he’s objectively tall and handsome. Regardless, I am not wasting my time on secretive guys who use burner phones, and take too long to come up with alternate date ideas. Life is too short to allow in it total strangers who only need one thing from me

You aren't a couple so 24 to 48 hours is a reasonable response time

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, are you single because you always find a ridiculous way to sabotage your relationships? Because that looks like what is happening here.

I was in a very long marriage for most of my adult life. Men in middle age behave very differently from what I observed 20 years ago. I am not going to be intimate with strangers, won’t pursue a man if he does reciprocate, or wait for 24 hrs for him to respond. Before he does, I will already have different plans. I am busy and have other interests. If my Saturday-Sunday date is not confirmed by Friday EOB, I make other plans.

The men you dated 20+ years ago had social media?

They were very active pursuing further dates, inviting me to hand out with their friends, shared business cards and /or where they studied. And yes some had online presence there was a website prior to LinkedIn I forgot how it was called

20 years ago you were in your 20s and so we're they we had that kind of time then. It's also not really a big deal to invite a random from Myspace to meet up with you at a bar

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you single because you always find a ridiculous way to sabotage your relationships? Because that looks like what is happening here.

I was in a very long marriage for most of my adult life. Men in middle age behave very differently from what I observed 20 years ago. I am not going to be intimate with strangers, won’t pursue a man if he does reciprocate, or wait for 24 hrs for him to respond. Before he does, I will already have different plans. I am busy and have other interests. If my Saturday-Sunday date is not confirmed by Friday EOB, I make other plans.

No here. So the answer is yes you are self sabotaging because you haven't properly dealt with whatever caused your divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Why would I meet for dinner with someone of uncertain identity ?

Usually because you are hungry and you want to talk to another person.

To me dinner is safer than spending the afternoon doing x with someone you don't know much about that includes Link guy.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have no online presence. We hate social media.

OP, I don't understand what your problem is.

Did you google your names? Even if you are not active on social media something should come up if you used a landline at some point, file tax returns, owned or rented property. Spouses names usually appear next to each other.

That is all unless you paid a service to erase everything (which I find suspicious, many guys with criminal history would do this)

There's nothing much, OP, actually. Maybe the house we bought with our names, that's all. We do not have any social media accounts, Linked In, FB, Insta, Twitter, etc.

I feel like people have missed the point because they equate online presence with playing on social media apps and OP is talking about how if you are an adult and have bought a home or gotten married, divorced etc. there is a record of that online and this man has none of that.

+1

And people have pointed out multiple reasons why your online presence might be extremely limited to not existent nine of these reasons are shady or criminal

That's correct. We understand that. We can still choose not to pursue it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point is here we all have our comfort thresholds when it comes to dating and backgrounds. Some are more free-spirited than others.

Online or not, some prefer to date within their community and affiliations and some are open to a wider circle.

If I met a guy at a bar and then went home and couldn't find anything about him online it would be a hard pass for me. This is not just about OLD.

You can have your comforts and people can point out that your " comforts" aren't helping you and are likely why you are struggling to find someone and have a healthy relationship

Who is struggling? This conservative method served me well. And I have been in a great relationship for 4 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point is here we all have our comfort thresholds when it comes to dating and backgrounds. Some are more free-spirited than others.

Online or not, some prefer to date within their community and affiliations and some are open to a wider circle.

If I met a guy at a bar and then went home and couldn't find anything about him online it would be a hard pass for me. This is not just about OLD.

You can have your comforts and people can point out that your " comforts" aren't helping you and are likely why you are struggling to find someone and have a healthy relationship

Who is struggling? This conservative method served me well. And I have been in a great relationship for 4 years.

Op here: I have zero struggles meeting at least one man each month who is from my circle or one connection away. Who doesn’t hide we both worked in same field, went to the same school, lived in same neighborhood. There are many single men with lifestyle similar to mine in dmv! I don’t see a good reason to date people who appear secretive or non-existent online.

[Anonymous]

Guy with no online presence here.

I feel downsides outweigh upsides in online presence in general. My friends / family text me and that’s all I need.

[Anonymous]

I do genealogy research, and it is rare that I cannot find out some information about someone online. You don't have to have an "online presence." You don't need LinkedIn or Facebook, Insta., etc. But with a name and a city, you can usually find an address or a phone number along with names/relatives you are associated with. I look on whitepagescom, or addresses.com.

You also might be listed as a relative in an obituary announcement or as the subject in a former marriage/engagement announcement or as a parent in a birth announcement. You might be mentioned in a church bulletin or a volunteer group or if you ran a race. If you bought real estate, I can look up real estate transactions or property records. If you have a kid and mention his name, he may be listed on school/sports/scout sites, etc.

The hardest people to find are those with very common names in large cities. So John Smith in Los Angeles and David Schwartz in New York would be very hard without additional information. But Elliott Blackburn in Bethesda should be pretty easy to find if he's not lying about his name.

[Anonymous]

My now fiancé didn’t have an online presence on social media either. I really tried hard to find him but it was really impossible. I’d be cautious and make sure someone knows where you are at all times but not sure it is a red flag!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do genealogy research, and it is rare that I cannot find out some information about someone online. You don't have to have an "online presence." You don't need LinkedIn or Facebook, Insta., etc. But with a name and a city, you can usually find an address or a phone number along with names/relatives you are associated with. I look on whitepagescom, or addresses.com.

You also might be listed as a relative in an obituary announcement or as the subject in a former marriage/engagement announcement or as a parent in a birth announcement. You might be mentioned in a church bulletin or a volunteer group or if you ran a race. If you bought real estate, I can look up real estate transactions or property records. If you have a kid and mention his name, he may be listed on school/sports/scout sites, etc.

The hardest people to find are those with very common names in large cities. So John Smith in Los Angeles and David Schwartz in New York would be very hard without additional information. But Elliott Blackburn in Bethesda should be pretty easy to find if he's not lying about his name.

OP here. Think about John Smith in Kensington or similar. There might be some, but what puzzled me none with anything close to his age, his former family members genders as he claimed, or recently purchased properties (he named the year of the house acquisition). I was in credit card fraud investigation in the past and also know that complete lack of hints about a person online is suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who doesn't understand the dinner date thing and what's so offensive about it?

I don't want him to take me to fancy place, pay for the dinner and then expect some increase level of proximity. I won't be kissing him, hugging him etc until I am certain about his identity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who doesn't understand the dinner date thing and what's so offensive about it?

I don't want him to take me to fancy place, pay for the dinner and then expect some increase level of proximity. I won't be kissing him, hugging him etc until I am certain about his identity.

On the other hand, I am interested in him enough to learn more about him, and if he's truthfully looking for a partner and not someone married, criminal etc. I proposed him another daylight meeting, and he didn't suggest anything yet. He of course sensed I am keeping the distance, and probably got offended. He honestly looked like he really liked me and attempted to kiss (I allowed him to pull me closer at first coffee date and kiss on the check as I liked him, too). But now I have concerns he's not the person he pretends to be. I will communicate this to him (if we meet again) that I am ready to continue seeing him as a friend, but need to know him better before going into his car, to his house (which he mentioned taking me to) etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would not be the reason I didn’t go on a 2nd date with someone. I work with a lot of police officers and they use fake names for social media to protect themselves and their families.

But how would I develop this relationship with someone who I don't really know? He did attempt to hug me so I presume kissing would be expected soon. Shall I raise this issue at the dinner, or counter propose something less formal ?

You’re neurotic. Needless worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems that some people have lost the ability to detect human character traits with the advent of social media. Whatever happened to instinct, trusting your gut - the kind of stuff that comes with IRL interactions?
Here's what social media can't tell you - charisma, humor, follow-thru capacity, family dysfunction, all the soft skill and red flag stuff.
I personally don't do social media except linkedin and thankfully I have an extremely common name. I was forced onto facebook by my children's PTAs and then Instagram by their sports teams.
My first introduction to facebook was another mom from long ago. Her page had inspirational quotes and images of herself like the stuff a suburbanite might buy at a mall store selling Bob Ross prints. I was embarassed for her and from then on thought of facebook as self promotional BS. I also didn't want to be her friend and stayed away from her.

If anybody knew my Ebay handle, they'd know that I am a 100% positive review seller of my children's outgrown stuff. That's about the only online feedback I get.

+100

The issue isn't his lack of social media; he's already raising red flags in OP's gut and this is a justification. For that reason, she shouldn't pursue him further imo.