Feel terrible about my finances after reading this site

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As your daughter I’d write you a check for $33K (maybe $40K so you can’t whine about interest) and then change my phone number and never speak to you again.

Same but I’m sure she suffers from a lifetime of guilt and brainwashing.

Americans are so strange and silly. In most cultures around the world, children pay it back by supporting their elderly parents.

Not if your lazy a$$ mom just sat on her a$$ her whole adult life

No. SAH moms were not called lazy a$$ moms. Beside, we did not grow up with divorced and checked out parents. We are able to do well in life because we were loved and felt that we belonged to a family. Most of us, saw our parents look after grandparents and siblings. That is what makes us a family.

No one is looking at a WASP American family and wanting that for ourselves. LOL. You cannot be happy if you are in a cold and selfish family. Most Americans WASPs also do not pay for their kids college or wedding. If they divorce, most are deadbeat parents who do not pay child-support. So, sorry, no one wants the American model of family. It is the kind of emotionally barren family life that spawns Putin, Hitler and Trump.

[Anonymous]

Refreshing to see that for once this is not an Indian bashing thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As your daughter I’d write you a check for $33K (maybe $40K so you can’t whine about interest) and then change my phone number and never speak to you again.

Same but I’m sure she suffers from a lifetime of guilt and brainwashing.

Americans are so strange and silly. In most cultures around the world, children pay it back by supporting their elderly parents.

Not if your lazy a$$ mom just sat on her a$$ her whole adult life

No. SAH moms were not called lazy a$$ moms. Beside, we did not grow up with divorced and checked out parents. We are able to do well in life because we were loved and felt that we belonged to a family. Most of us, saw our parents look after grandparents and siblings. That is what makes us a family.

No one is looking at a WASP American family and wanting that for ourselves. LOL. You cannot be happy if you are in a cold and selfish family. Most Americans WASPs also do not pay for their kids college or wedding. If they divorce, most are deadbeat parents who do not pay child-support. So, sorry, no one wants the American model of family. It is the kind of emotionally barren family life that spawns Putin, Hitler and Trump.

Huh? My wasp kids will have college, grad school, weddings, and down payments paid. And they won’t owe me a cent. Money rolls down. OP and especially his wife are selfish. (And I SAH for a long time.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As your daughter I’d write you a check for $33K (maybe $40K so you can’t whine about interest) and then change my phone number and never speak to you again.

Same but I’m sure she suffers from a lifetime of guilt and brainwashing.

Americans are so strange and silly. In most cultures around the world, children pay it back by supporting their elderly parents.

Not if your lazy a$$ mom just sat on her a$$ her whole adult life

No. SAH moms were not called lazy a$$ moms. Beside, we did not grow up with divorced and checked out parents. We are able to do well in life because we were loved and felt that we belonged to a family. Most of us, saw our parents look after grandparents and siblings. That is what makes us a family.

No one is looking at a WASP American family and wanting that for ourselves. LOL. You cannot be happy if you are in a cold and selfish family. Most Americans WASPs also do not pay for their kids college or wedding. If they divorce, most are deadbeat parents who do not pay child-support. So, sorry, no one wants the American model of family. It is the kind of emotionally barren family life that spawns Putin, Hitler and Trump.

If you “did well” why do your kids owe you?

[Anonymous]

As another korean man of OP's age (well, a few years older than OP), I resent the fact that OP is making it sound like this is a cultural norm in korean society than his own personal issue. within my circle of korean friends (all in 50s with families), I don't know anyone who thinks like OP. now, for the gen before us - people who were born in 1940s/50s during or soon after korean war - OP's attitude is more fitting. OP, I am embarrassed to call you fellow korean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a troll? He complains about his English not being fluent but his written English is excellent.
Otherwise, I wish he’d stop complaining and making excuses.
Count your blessings. You are doing a lot better than most people in the U.S. The fact you can’t see that says a lot about your character.
I feel badly for your daughter.

I was thinking the same thing. Seems more like a humblebrag post more than a “woe is me” post. Many people wish they had that much saved for retirement and had a house worth over a million dollars making six figures. The OP is doing better than 97% of the rest of the country.

OP here. I am confused. I see posts like this, and then I see others that say that I should cut my expenses aggressively and save 30% of my income. Which one is true?

OP, they are both true. Yes, you are better off than average Americans, if that is a comfort. However, you should probably save more if you want a comfortable retirement. And your wife should probably get a job.

I also feel behind reading this forum but we are in our mid 40's with $2 million in retirement ($250k HHI). We have far less home equity and are still saving for college for multiple kids though, and you are done with college, so you are doing better in that respect.

You can't compare yourself to the people claiming to make $500k HHI. If you read posts from those with $160k, most of those talk about how hard it is to save a lot for retirement. You are doing fine as long as you keep earning and don't plan to retire soon.

that is ridiculous. you are ahead...not behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

OP, here is some logical perspective. My mom moved here at 45, gave up her job as an engineer in the home country and started out by cleaning other peoples houses, yes, toilets too. She did it for us, my brother and I, but never ever she as much as hinted that we owe her something for that. Unlike your lazy wife who has been sitting on her butt for the last 15 years, mom eventually found a blue color union job, worked for 20 years and retired with pension. She owns a condo and between her pension and her part time job (which she does because she really wants to) she completely supports herself. I am curious, since your wife has never really worked a demanding job, why does she think your daughter should? And if she does think so, why isn't she leading by example? Princess got tired from raising one kid?

OP, your math doesn't necessarily work out. You are expecting your daughter to support you because you supported your daughter? How is that sustainable?
You supported your daughter... so your daughter should support HER child.

And as PP mentioned, it doesn't sound like your wife has been supporting her parents. Yet you expect your daughter to support you?

Well, my wife has a sibling who can help as well. But my daughter is an only child.

Look, I'm not saying kids shouldn't help out their parents. If kids have the means to help out their parents, that's great. But your sense of entitlement is astounding. Especially when combined with your denial of your wife's responsibility in all this.

Your daughter hasn't needed hourly minding in at least ten years. What was your wife doing during this time? Watching her sibling help her parents? If you wanted to give her a break that's very nice, and if you're looking for someone to get you out of what you see as your current financial dilemma, it should primarily be your wife...or your daughter's non-existent sibling.

My wife did have some part-time work in retail when DD was younger, and for about a year when DD was in middle school, she was an admin assistant. But she got fired after a year because she was not fluent in English enough to do the job.

Most importantly, my wife was a wonderful SAHM to my daughter. She drove her to sports practices and after school activities and supported her in excelling academically. I’m sure my wife is a big part of the reason why my daughter was able to get into an Ivy.

Every parent does this (including moms who work full time). Your wife is not special.

Your daughter got into her college because of her grades. Your wife has nothing to do with it.

Your wife is lazy.

Stop taking that out on your daughter.

You have 10-15 years to save. Max out your retirement now. Cut expenses. You should have been doing this the whole time. And your wife should have been working part time at least some of the time in some capacity.

[Anonymous]

This has to be a troll. I work with a ton of foreign born, including Asian, PhDs in a relatively prestigious, highly compensated job, and not one of them has written English as good, and more tellingly as “natural”, as OPs.

I’m also a 1.5 gen Asian immigrant, and my mom has busted her butt working at restaurants while learning English, and then as a nurses aide for 30years to help support our family (dad in a white collar but not so high compensated job). She endured plenty of racism and suffered ill-mannered coworkers due to her language and cultural barriers while working. My mom still tries to pay for things for me and save me money by declining gifts even though our HHI is 3x theirs right before my parents retired.

If on the off chance OP is truly who he says he is, then I can clearly see the barrier to him progressing in his job - he clearly lacks the common sense, self-awareness and humility necessary to make connections to other humans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

Thank you. Yes, taking out a 401k loan means that my daughter has at least some obligation to support me in retirement.

No, it does not. She should have taken out a 30k federal loan instead.

OP here. In my first post I said that my daughter took out the $30k federal loan. In addition to that, I also took out the 401k loan because we could not meet our EFC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

While "sacrifice" is a common in the value system of immigrants, it would be helpful for you to count all the other benefits you gained:

-Employment with a steady paycheck, and one that makes use of your foreign degree
-Owning a home in America
-Being able to afford a lifestyle where your wife does not work
-Having a kid who was able to get an ivy-league education
-Having a 401k that you might not have had if you stayed in S. Korea

These "sacrifices" were not ALL for your kid.

[Anonymous]

2nd gen Korean American woman here. My parents immigrated here in their mid to late 30s before I was born and my dad worked in IT. He capped out with a salary below $110K when he retired. My mom stayed home once I was born to raise the kids.

What kind of car do you drive, OP? My parents always had a cheap car compared to the other Korean families I knew. My mom only bought clothes off the sale racks. I never had brand name clothes growing up unless it was handed down to us by another Korean family. We lived in a tiny 3-bdrm ranch house. They refused to try to “keep up with the Kims”.

My dad put us kids through good private colleges. We graduated with loans, but are all doing well as adults. I worked in finance in NYC. By the way, these jobs are hugely stressful. Wall Street firms routinely fire low performers. The pressure to perform and the long hours are intense.

My dad always says how grateful he feels that they do not have to ask us for money and we do not have to ask our parents for money. Your sacrifice is small to what my dad endured. He worked dangerous blue collar jobs to support himself and send money home before he got his education. Being underpaid in white collar corporate America was the most he ever achieved, and I am incredibly proud of him.

My parents have continued to live within their means as retirees. My mom doesn’t have any designer purses or clothes, nor does she value or expect them. They place no expectations or guilt on us kids to support them, although we took them on a big vacation this year that they unsuccessfully tried to help pay for.

I hope that you’ll adjust your expectations and your lifestyle, if appropriate. Your daughter was raised here, and she will feel resentment for having to help her parents financially, especially if you are living a lifestyle in which you are trying to keep up with flashy Korean families. It will hurt your relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2nd gen Korean American woman here. My parents immigrated here in their mid to late 30s before I was born and my dad worked in IT. He capped out with a salary below $110K when he retired. My mom stayed home once I was born to raise the kids.

What kind of car do you drive, OP? My parents always had a cheap car compared to the other Korean families I knew. My mom only bought clothes off the sale racks. I never had brand name clothes growing up unless it was handed down to us by another Korean family. We lived in a tiny 3-bdrm ranch house. They refused to try to “keep up with the Kims”.

My dad put us kids through good private colleges. We graduated with loans, but are all doing well as adults. I worked in finance in NYC. By the way, these jobs are hugely stressful. Wall Street firms routinely fire low performers. The pressure to perform and the long hours are intense.

My dad always says how grateful he feels that they do not have to ask us for money and we do not have to ask our parents for money. Your sacrifice is small to what my dad endured. He worked dangerous blue collar jobs to support himself and send money home before he got his education. Being underpaid in white collar corporate America was the most he ever achieved, and I am incredibly proud of him.

My parents have continued to live within their means as retirees. My mom doesn’t have any designer purses or clothes, nor does she value or expect them. They place no expectations or guilt on us kids to support them, although we took them on a big vacation this year that they unsuccessfully tried to help pay for.

I hope that you’ll adjust your expectations and your lifestyle, if appropriate. Your daughter was raised here, and she will feel resentment for having to help her parents financially, especially if you are living a lifestyle in which you are trying to keep up with flashy Korean families. It will hurt your relationship with her.

OP here. Okay, finally someone who gets it. We have only one car (which is rare in this area), and it’s a 12 year-old Toyota. We live as frugally as your parents, it seems like.

Also, how is it possible that your dad worked “dangerous blue collar jobs” but also worked in IT?

I get that NYC finance is hard. My daughter complains a lot about the hours. But I hope my daughter doesn’t feel resentment for trying to help me and my wife in retirement. It’s part of our culture, as you know. I hope that you don’t feel resentful towards your parents when you have to help them out as they age. They sacrificed a lot for you, as you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd gen Korean American woman here. My parents immigrated here in their mid to late 30s before I was born and my dad worked in IT. He capped out with a salary below $110K when he retired. My mom stayed home once I was born to raise the kids.

What kind of car do you drive, OP? My parents always had a cheap car compared to the other Korean families I knew. My mom only bought clothes off the sale racks. I never had brand name clothes growing up unless it was handed down to us by another Korean family. We lived in a tiny 3-bdrm ranch house. They refused to try to “keep up with the Kims”.

My dad put us kids through good private colleges. We graduated with loans, but are all doing well as adults. I worked in finance in NYC. By the way, these jobs are hugely stressful. Wall Street firms routinely fire low performers. The pressure to perform and the long hours are intense.

My dad always says how grateful he feels that they do not have to ask us for money and we do not have to ask our parents for money. Your sacrifice is small to what my dad endured. He worked dangerous blue collar jobs to support himself and send money home before he got his education. Being underpaid in white collar corporate America was the most he ever achieved, and I am incredibly proud of him.

My parents have continued to live within their means as retirees. My mom doesn’t have any designer purses or clothes, nor does she value or expect them. They place no expectations or guilt on us kids to support them, although we took them on a big vacation this year that they unsuccessfully tried to help pay for.

I hope that you’ll adjust your expectations and your lifestyle, if appropriate. Your daughter was raised here, and she will feel resentment for having to help her parents financially, especially if you are living a lifestyle in which you are trying to keep up with flashy Korean families. It will hurt your relationship with her.

OP here. Okay, finally someone who gets it. We have only one car (which is rare in this area), and it’s a 12 year-old Toyota. We live as frugally as your parents, it seems like.

Also, how is it possible that your dad worked “dangerous blue collar jobs” but also worked in IT?

I get that NYC finance is hard. My daughter complains a lot about the hours. But I hope my daughter doesn’t feel resentment for trying to help me and my wife in retirement. It’s part of our culture, as you know. I hope that you don’t feel resentful towards your parents when you have to help them out as they age. They sacrificed a lot for you, as you know.

She will absolutely resent you. And her spouse definitely will. Especially when your daughter has to bust her a$$ as a working mom so her mom never had to work at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd gen Korean American woman here. My parents immigrated here in their mid to late 30s before I was born and my dad worked in IT. He capped out with a salary below $110K when he retired. My mom stayed home once I was born to raise the kids.

What kind of car do you drive, OP? My parents always had a cheap car compared to the other Korean families I knew. My mom only bought clothes off the sale racks. I never had brand name clothes growing up unless it was handed down to us by another Korean family. We lived in a tiny 3-bdrm ranch house. They refused to try to “keep up with the Kims”.

My dad put us kids through good private colleges. We graduated with loans, but are all doing well as adults. I worked in finance in NYC. By the way, these jobs are hugely stressful. Wall Street firms routinely fire low performers. The pressure to perform and the long hours are intense.

My dad always says how grateful he feels that they do not have to ask us for money and we do not have to ask our parents for money. Your sacrifice is small to what my dad endured. He worked dangerous blue collar jobs to support himself and send money home before he got his education. Being underpaid in white collar corporate America was the most he ever achieved, and I am incredibly proud of him.

My parents have continued to live within their means as retirees. My mom doesn’t have any designer purses or clothes, nor does she value or expect them. They place no expectations or guilt on us kids to support them, although we took them on a big vacation this year that they unsuccessfully tried to help pay for.

I hope that you’ll adjust your expectations and your lifestyle, if appropriate. Your daughter was raised here, and she will feel resentment for having to help her parents financially, especially if you are living a lifestyle in which you are trying to keep up with flashy Korean families. It will hurt your relationship with her.

OP here. Okay, finally someone who gets it. We have only one car (which is rare in this area), and it’s a 12 year-old Toyota. We live as frugally as your parents, it seems like.

Also, how is it possible that your dad worked “dangerous blue collar jobs” but also worked in IT?

I get that NYC finance is hard. My daughter complains a lot about the hours. But I hope my daughter doesn’t feel resentment for trying to help me and my wife in retirement. It’s part of our culture, as you know. I hope that you don’t feel resentful towards your parents when you have to help them out as they age. They sacrificed a lot for you, as you know.

You are truly gifted with language skills. Just sayin'

[Anonymous]

She will resent your expectation.