Feel terrible about my finances after reading this site

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

OP, here is some logical perspective. My mom moved here at 45, gave up her job as an engineer in the home country and started out by cleaning other peoples houses, yes, toilets too. She did it for us, my brother and I, but never ever she as much as hinted that we owe her something for that. Unlike your lazy wife who has been sitting on her butt for the last 15 years, mom eventually found a blue color union job, worked for 20 years and retired with pension. She owns a condo and between her pension and her part time job (which she does because she really wants to) she completely supports herself. I am curious, since your wife has never really worked a demanding job, why does she think your daughter should? And if she does think so, why isn't she leading by example? Princess got tired from raising one kid?

OP, your math doesn't necessarily work out. You are expecting your daughter to support you because you supported your daughter? How is that sustainable?
You supported your daughter... so your daughter should support HER child.

And as PP mentioned, it doesn't sound like your wife has been supporting her parents. Yet you expect your daughter to support you?

Well, my wife has a sibling who can help as well. But my daughter is an only child.

Look, I'm not saying kids shouldn't help out their parents. If kids have the means to help out their parents, that's great. But your sense of entitlement is astounding. Especially when combined with your denial of your wife's responsibility in all this.

Your daughter hasn't needed hourly minding in at least ten years. What was your wife doing during this time? Watching her sibling help her parents? If you wanted to give her a break that's very nice, and if you're looking for someone to get you out of what you see as your current financial dilemma, it should primarily be your wife...or your daughter's non-existent sibling.

OP, I think you should do some research into how much assisted living/nursing homes cost in the U.S. Or home health care. These are all possibilities you want to be thinking about.

For perspective, when my parents needed round the clock care in their home, it was over $20/hour, which quickly added up to a small fortune. If they had not had savings, there's no way I could've paid for it for more than, say, a couple months.

Later, one of my parents needed memory care at a facility for dementia. I looked up decent places around here, they cost a minimum of $10-$12k per month! That is my entire take home pay, so again, I could not have afforded to pay for this, especially with my own kids to take care of and my own retirement contributions I'm putting in to make sure my kids don't have so support me. That parent lived in another state where it was a bit cheaper, so that's another reason to think carefully about where you want to settle in the later years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

OP, here is some logical perspective. My mom moved here at 45, gave up her job as an engineer in the home country and started out by cleaning other peoples houses, yes, toilets too. She did it for us, my brother and I, but never ever she as much as hinted that we owe her something for that. Unlike your lazy wife who has been sitting on her butt for the last 15 years, mom eventually found a blue color union job, worked for 20 years and retired with pension. She owns a condo and between her pension and her part time job (which she does because she really wants to) she completely supports herself. I am curious, since your wife has never really worked a demanding job, why does she think your daughter should? And if she does think so, why isn't she leading by example? Princess got tired from raising one kid?

OP, your math doesn't necessarily work out. You are expecting your daughter to support you because you supported your daughter? How is that sustainable?
You supported your daughter... so your daughter should support HER child.

And as PP mentioned, it doesn't sound like your wife has been supporting her parents. Yet you expect your daughter to support you?

Well, my wife has a sibling who can help as well. But my daughter is an only child.

Look, I'm not saying kids shouldn't help out their parents. If kids have the means to help out their parents, that's great. But your sense of entitlement is astounding. Especially when combined with your denial of your wife's responsibility in all this.

Your daughter hasn't needed hourly minding in at least ten years. What was your wife doing during this time? Watching her sibling help her parents? If you wanted to give her a break that's very nice, and if you're looking for someone to get you out of what you see as your current financial dilemma, it should primarily be your wife...or your daughter's non-existent sibling.

My wife did have some part-time work in retail when DD was younger, and for about a year when DD was in middle school, she was an admin assistant. But she got fired after a year because she was not fluent in English enough to do the job.

Most importantly, my wife was a wonderful SAHM to my daughter. She drove her to sports practices and after school activities and supported her in excelling academically. I’m sure my wife is a big part of the reason why my daughter was able to get into an Ivy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

OP, here is some logical perspective. My mom moved here at 45, gave up her job as an engineer in the home country and started out by cleaning other peoples houses, yes, toilets too. She did it for us, my brother and I, but never ever she as much as hinted that we owe her something for that. Unlike your lazy wife who has been sitting on her butt for the last 15 years, mom eventually found a blue color union job, worked for 20 years and retired with pension. She owns a condo and between her pension and her part time job (which she does because she really wants to) she completely supports herself. I am curious, since your wife has never really worked a demanding job, why does she think your daughter should? And if she does think so, why isn't she leading by example? Princess got tired from raising one kid?

OP, your math doesn't necessarily work out. You are expecting your daughter to support you because you supported your daughter? How is that sustainable?
You supported your daughter... so your daughter should support HER child.

And as PP mentioned, it doesn't sound like your wife has been supporting her parents. Yet you expect your daughter to support you?

Well, my wife has a sibling who can help as well. But my daughter is an only child.

Look, I'm not saying kids shouldn't help out their parents. If kids have the means to help out their parents, that's great. But your sense of entitlement is astounding. Especially when combined with your denial of your wife's responsibility in all this.

Your daughter hasn't needed hourly minding in at least ten years. What was your wife doing during this time? Watching her sibling help her parents? If you wanted to give her a break that's very nice, and if you're looking for someone to get you out of what you see as your current financial dilemma, it should primarily be your wife...or your daughter's non-existent sibling.

My wife did have some part-time work in retail when DD was younger, and for about a year when DD was in middle school, she was an admin assistant. But she got fired after a year because she was not fluent in English enough to do the job.

Most importantly, my wife was a wonderful SAHM to my daughter. She drove her to sports practices and after school activities and supported her in excelling academically. I’m sure my wife is a big part of the reason why my daughter was able to get into an Ivy.

This is OP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

OP, here is some logical perspective. My mom moved here at 45, gave up her job as an engineer in the home country and started out by cleaning other peoples houses, yes, toilets too. She did it for us, my brother and I, but never ever she as much as hinted that we owe her something for that. Unlike your lazy wife who has been sitting on her butt for the last 15 years, mom eventually found a blue color union job, worked for 20 years and retired with pension. She owns a condo and between her pension and her part time job (which she does because she really wants to) she completely supports herself. I am curious, since your wife has never really worked a demanding job, why does she think your daughter should? And if she does think so, why isn't she leading by example? Princess got tired from raising one kid?

OP, your math doesn't necessarily work out. You are expecting your daughter to support you because you supported your daughter? How is that sustainable?
You supported your daughter... so your daughter should support HER child.

And as PP mentioned, it doesn't sound like your wife has been supporting her parents. Yet you expect your daughter to support you?

Well, my wife has a sibling who can help as well. But my daughter is an only child.

Look, I'm not saying kids shouldn't help out their parents. If kids have the means to help out their parents, that's great. But your sense of entitlement is astounding. Especially when combined with your denial of your wife's responsibility in all this.

Your daughter hasn't needed hourly minding in at least ten years. What was your wife doing during this time? Watching her sibling help her parents? If you wanted to give her a break that's very nice, and if you're looking for someone to get you out of what you see as your current financial dilemma, it should primarily be your wife...or your daughter's non-existent sibling.

OP, I think you should do some research into how much assisted living/nursing homes cost in the U.S. Or home health care. These are all possibilities you want to be thinking about.

For perspective, when my parents needed round the clock care in their home, it was over $20/hour, which quickly added up to a small fortune. If they had not had savings, there's no way I could've paid for it for more than, say, a couple months.

Later, one of my parents needed memory care at a facility for dementia. I looked up decent places around here, they cost a minimum of $10-$12k per month! That is my entire take home pay, so again, I could not have afforded to pay for this, especially with my own kids to take care of and my own retirement contributions I'm putting in to make sure my kids don't have so support me. That parent lived in another state where it was a bit cheaper, so that's another reason to think carefully about where you want to settle in the later years.

Koreans don’t throw their parents into nursing homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

OP, here is some logical perspective. My mom moved here at 45, gave up her job as an engineer in the home country and started out by cleaning other peoples houses, yes, toilets too. She did it for us, my brother and I, but never ever she as much as hinted that we owe her something for that. Unlike your lazy wife who has been sitting on her butt for the last 15 years, mom eventually found a blue color union job, worked for 20 years and retired with pension. She owns a condo and between her pension and her part time job (which she does because she really wants to) she completely supports herself. I am curious, since your wife has never really worked a demanding job, why does she think your daughter should? And if she does think so, why isn't she leading by example? Princess got tired from raising one kid?

OP, your math doesn't necessarily work out. You are expecting your daughter to support you because you supported your daughter? How is that sustainable?
You supported your daughter... so your daughter should support HER child.

And as PP mentioned, it doesn't sound like your wife has been supporting her parents. Yet you expect your daughter to support you?

Well, my wife has a sibling who can help as well. But my daughter is an only child.

Look, I'm not saying kids shouldn't help out their parents. If kids have the means to help out their parents, that's great. But your sense of entitlement is astounding. Especially when combined with your denial of your wife's responsibility in all this.

Your daughter hasn't needed hourly minding in at least ten years. What was your wife doing during this time? Watching her sibling help her parents? If you wanted to give her a break that's very nice, and if you're looking for someone to get you out of what you see as your current financial dilemma, it should primarily be your wife...or your daughter's non-existent sibling.

OP, I think you should do some research into how much assisted living/nursing homes cost in the U.S. Or home health care. These are all possibilities you want to be thinking about.

For perspective, when my parents needed round the clock care in their home, it was over $20/hour, which quickly added up to a small fortune. If they had not had savings, there's no way I could've paid for it for more than, say, a couple months.

Later, one of my parents needed memory care at a facility for dementia. I looked up decent places around here, they cost a minimum of $10-$12k per month! That is my entire take home pay, so again, I could not have afforded to pay for this, especially with my own kids to take care of and my own retirement contributions I'm putting in to make sure my kids don't have so support me. That parent lived in another state where it was a bit cheaper, so that's another reason to think carefully about where you want to settle in the later years.

Koreans don’t throw their parents into nursing homes.

Well if OP's daughter is working all day and either OP or his wife need round the clock help, she/they will have to hire someone to come in and do that. Which is expensive. And those home health workers can only do certain tasks. Or, OP's daughter will have to join the ranks of the (mostly) women who have had to give up their careers and drop out of the labor force to become caregivers for their parents. If that's what OP expects, that is truly sad after investing so much in her ivy education. Either way, if it gets beyond a certain level of care needed, they may have to move to a nursing home.

Or not, maybe they will be perfectly healthy up until the day they die in their sleep. But since none of us knows how our end will come, it's better to plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

OP, here is some logical perspective. My mom moved here at 45, gave up her job as an engineer in the home country and started out by cleaning other peoples houses, yes, toilets too. She did it for us, my brother and I, but never ever she as much as hinted that we owe her something for that. Unlike your lazy wife who has been sitting on her butt for the last 15 years, mom eventually found a blue color union job, worked for 20 years and retired with pension. She owns a condo and between her pension and her part time job (which she does because she really wants to) she completely supports herself. I am curious, since your wife has never really worked a demanding job, why does she think your daughter should? And if she does think so, why isn't she leading by example? Princess got tired from raising one kid?

OP, your math doesn't necessarily work out. You are expecting your daughter to support you because you supported your daughter? How is that sustainable?
You supported your daughter... so your daughter should support HER child.

And as PP mentioned, it doesn't sound like your wife has been supporting her parents. Yet you expect your daughter to support you?

Well, my wife has a sibling who can help as well. But my daughter is an only child.

Look, I'm not saying kids shouldn't help out their parents. If kids have the means to help out their parents, that's great. But your sense of entitlement is astounding. Especially when combined with your denial of your wife's responsibility in all this.

Your daughter hasn't needed hourly minding in at least ten years. What was your wife doing during this time? Watching her sibling help her parents? If you wanted to give her a break that's very nice, and if you're looking for someone to get you out of what you see as your current financial dilemma, it should primarily be your wife...or your daughter's non-existent sibling.

My wife did have some part-time work in retail when DD was younger, and for about a year when DD was in middle school, she was an admin assistant. But she got fired after a year because she was not fluent in English enough to do the job.

Most importantly, my wife was a wonderful SAHM to my daughter. She drove her to sports practices and after school activities and supported her in excelling academically. I’m sure my wife is a big part of the reason why my daughter was able to get into an Ivy.

This is OP here.

That's great, but now you are empty nesters, so what has she been doing the past four years?

[Anonymous]

It is unfair to think your daughter will be able to support you in retirement.

Life here is expensive. Child care is very expensive. If she is working and she has a child, there is no way she will be able to pay for her own expenses, childcare ($2,500 a month at least for a daycare--not even a nanny) and your retirement.

Your wife should have contributed or you should have had less house all along.

You should downsize to a smaller living situation and cash out your equity in retirement.

I say this as a divorced 45-year-old woman. My parents did not pay for college and I had massive college debt. I worked my butt off. I paid off 70k by the time I was 32. I maxed out retirement from age 22. I have 600k in retirement (all mine...not my ex's--he has his own), 50k in savings, and 200k in my house.

I plan to live in an apartment when my kids go to college and invest the money from my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

OP, here is some logical perspective. My mom moved here at 45, gave up her job as an engineer in the home country and started out by cleaning other peoples houses, yes, toilets too. She did it for us, my brother and I, but never ever she as much as hinted that we owe her something for that. Unlike your lazy wife who has been sitting on her butt for the last 15 years, mom eventually found a blue color union job, worked for 20 years and retired with pension. She owns a condo and between her pension and her part time job (which she does because she really wants to) she completely supports herself. I am curious, since your wife has never really worked a demanding job, why does she think your daughter should? And if she does think so, why isn't she leading by example? Princess got tired from raising one kid?

OP, your math doesn't necessarily work out. You are expecting your daughter to support you because you supported your daughter? How is that sustainable?
You supported your daughter... so your daughter should support HER child.

And as PP mentioned, it doesn't sound like your wife has been supporting her parents. Yet you expect your daughter to support you?

Well, my wife has a sibling who can help as well. But my daughter is an only child.

Look, I'm not saying kids shouldn't help out their parents. If kids have the means to help out their parents, that's great. But your sense of entitlement is astounding. Especially when combined with your denial of your wife's responsibility in all this.

Your daughter hasn't needed hourly minding in at least ten years. What was your wife doing during this time? Watching her sibling help her parents? If you wanted to give her a break that's very nice, and if you're looking for someone to get you out of what you see as your current financial dilemma, it should primarily be your wife...or your daughter's non-existent sibling.

My wife did have some part-time work in retail when DD was younger, and for about a year when DD was in middle school, she was an admin assistant. But she got fired after a year because she was not fluent in English enough to do the job.

Most importantly, my wife was a wonderful SAHM to my daughter. She drove her to sports practices and after school activities and supported her in excelling academically. I’m sure my wife is a big part of the reason why my daughter was able to get into an Ivy.

This is OP here.

That's great, but now you are empty nesters, so what has she been doing the past four years?

More to the point, why can't she get a job now? It might help her English.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

You have no idea what Wall Street is like.

It is not a huge deal to move here married at age 35. People have been doing this alone as teenagers for generations. My family came ALONE at 16 with no education or language skills (Eastern Europe). She can't have a child and work a Wall Street job. You are completely unrealistic. It is like an 80-hour-week. You have no clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As your daughter I’d write you a check for $33K (maybe $40K so you can’t whine about interest) and then change my phone number and never speak to you again.

Same but I’m sure she suffers from a lifetime of guilt and brainwashing.

Americans are so strange and silly. In most cultures around the world, children pay it back by supporting their elderly parents.

Not if your lazy a$$ mom just sat on her a$$ her whole adult life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have 15 years to save for your retirement. I recommend selling your home, downsizing to a small apartment, cutting your expenses to the bone and start saving 30% of your gross income. If you do that, you’ll add $1M or so to your savings assuming the market gives you something back over those years. You guys have lived beyond your means for a long time. It’s time to buckle in and get savings. It’s not your daughter’s responsibility to finance your retirement.

+1. This is excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have 15 years to save for your retirement. I recommend selling your home, downsizing to a small apartment, cutting your expenses to the bone and start saving 30% of your gross income. If you do that, you’ll add $1M or so to your savings assuming the market gives you something back over those years. You guys have lived beyond your means for a long time. It’s time to buckle in and get savings. It’s not your daughter’s responsibility to finance your retirement.

+1. This is excellent advice.

I completely agree but even if OP doesn’t do that, his $400k retirement will easily be worth $1M (between new contributions and a market doubling) and his house with be worth $1.5M conservatively by the time he retires. He’s going to go to his daughter with his hand out with a net worth of $2.5M?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

Thank you. Yes, taking out a 401k loan means that my daughter has at least some obligation to support me in retirement.

No, it does not. She should have taken out a 30k federal loan instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

Thank you. Yes, taking out a 401k loan means that my daughter has at least some obligation to support me in retirement.

I don’t understand? You said you took out a 30k loan. That is such a small amount. If she is working on Wall Street she can pay that back quickly.If coming out of you 401k then she pays you and you put in another savings vehicle. I don’t see why this small amount makes her obligated to support you in retirement? I read where people use all of their home equity or drain accounts for 100-200k but 30k seems quite small to make much difference in retirement, and where others have said if your wife did something she could easily make 10k a year and in 3 yrs you would have the 30k back.

Well, you also have to consider the huge loss in earning potential we made when we moved to America and sacrificed everything (such as the upper end of my salary potential or my wife’s salary) just for my daughter.

You made that decision. That was for you. Not for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As your daughter I’d write you a check for $33K (maybe $40K so you can’t whine about interest) and then change my phone number and never speak to you again.

This.