DH WFH is a huge turn off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree about DH getting into a rut. I suspected my DH did also, because I had many of the same concerns as OP (although I am a SAHM with young kids) and my DH started going into the office twoish times a week after some nagging on my part. Then, once he settled into that after about a month he started going in almost every day completely by his own choice. Our marriage has been so much better!

Good for you!! Married couples were not meant to be together 24/7.. It's unhealthy.

Cool. Then OP can get an office job. Her kids are older, so no more excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of this resonates with me, too. We were full time remote during the pandemic and my husband’s job stayed remote. My husband rarely stays in his office (we only have one office) and will sit on the couch or wherever I am for hours. The only time he leaves is to go to Costco or grocery shopping. On the weekends we will do stuff as a family or I will meet friends but he rarely does anything on his own. It drives me crazy. I am an introvert and something of a homebody who needs time alone to feel recharged and the only time I can be alone is if I go to bed early.

You bring up a good point. I'm one of the sahm who posted earlier about getting my dh back in the office 2-3x/wk. I am an introvert and need dedicated alone time in a quiet house each day. When I had babies and toddlers at home nap time and later quiet time were strictly enforced. This aspect of my personality was well established before we got married.

OP, if this resonated with you it might be a fair discussion point with you DH. I'm guessing if you have WAH for this long it's a really important component of your overall well being.

God, you’re all so ridiculous. She is the one who has a problem with the situation. She can be the one to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about finding an office job?

I'm 50 years old and haven't worked in an office since I was early 30's.. I selected my line of work for the remote flexibility because we have kids. I also do not have an office to go to.

Yeah, you’re FUBAR’ed

[Anonymous]

I'm team OP. If I were in your DH's shoes, i'd be back in the office pronto if it meant a better relationship with my wife. It really wouldn't even be a thought for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about finding an office job?

I'm 50 years old and haven't worked in an office since I was early 30's.. I selected my line of work for the remote flexibility because we have kids. I also do not have an office to go to.

I get what you're saying - but you've enjoyed 20 years of getting to WFH and refuse to give it up. Can you understand why your husband enjoys it now, too?

I'm not saying you're wrong and he's right - just, I've worked from home on and off for 20 years too and it would really take something special for me to give it up.

UMMM - Years of working from home while raising kids.. Intentionally as I'm the main caretaker. Please do not glorify this.

Please, if she was working she had childcare. She took a lower pace job, got to work from and hang out with kids in afternoon, while he dragged himself to an office to bankroll her leaning out.

Said like someone who has never tried to respond to client follow up emails while a child asks you to play with them and the other child demands another snack. Or tried to finish writing a work proposal on your laptop outside swim/gymnastics/ballet/hockey. Or gotten the call that your kid has a fever and needs to be picked up right before you are scheduled to deliver a live webinar, when your partner is at least an hour from the school.

I am very grateful for my flexible, WFH job that enables me to be present in my kids’ lives. But it is very different from a WFH set up that merely allows you to sleep in late and wear sweat pants all day. Comparing OP’s WFH experience to her husband’s is inaccurate. For her WFH was essential to family functioning. To him, it’s a cool perk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM but everything else about your post resonates with me 100%. A few months ago DH started going to back to the office 2-3 days/wk and it's turned everything around. How is your sex life? That's the one piece of evidence I was able to use to persuade DH to get out of the house on a regular basis. We used to have sex regularly 2-3 x/wk and when he was home it was more like 2x/month. On my part it was b/c of everything you listed, he was just around too much and I never got to miss him. There are so many psychological benefits for him getting out of the house even if they aren't tangible. And there is solid data that staying at home (whether WAH or SAHD) reduces testosterone levels.

Exactly - too much time together is killing my desire and feeling I once had for him. Even a couple of times/week would make a difference, but he refuses. I am not attracted to him at all. Glad your DH listened and at least got out of the house a bit!

Find yourself a space to work outside of your home! Be it Starbucks, a shared space or anything. This seems like something you could fix if you wanted to!

[Anonymous]

We had a somewhat similar dynamic when we both WFH during the pandemic, but this past spring we both committed to working at the office 1 day a week and it does really help. OP I know you don’t have a physical office, but go find somewhere to work - even part of the day! - I bet it will help. It’s silly but it did improve our sex life also, to have some separation (and also see the person in real clothes once in a while).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of this resonates with me, too. We were full time remote during the pandemic and my husband’s job stayed remote. My husband rarely stays in his office (we only have one office) and will sit on the couch or wherever I am for hours. The only time he leaves is to go to Costco or grocery shopping. On the weekends we will do stuff as a family or I will meet friends but he rarely does anything on his own. It drives me crazy. I am an introvert and something of a homebody who needs time alone to feel recharged and the only time I can be alone is if I go to bed early.

You bring up a good point. I'm one of the sahm who posted earlier about getting my dh back in the office 2-3x/wk. I am an introvert and need dedicated alone time in a quiet house each day. When I had babies and toddlers at home nap time and later quiet time were strictly enforced. This aspect of my personality was well established before we got married.

OP, if this resonated with you it might be a fair discussion point with you DH. I'm guessing if you have WAH for this long it's a really important component of your overall well being.

God, you’re all so ridiculous. She is the one who has a problem with the situation. She can be the one to change.

We may seem ridiculous but you are absolutely ignorant and clueless. Get a grip on reality, personalities, and the importance of one's well-being. Especially a working parent who is mainly responsible for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about finding an office job?

I'm 50 years old and haven't worked in an office since I was early 30's.. I selected my line of work for the remote flexibility because we have kids. I also do not have an office to go to.

I get what you're saying - but you've enjoyed 20 years of getting to WFH and refuse to give it up. Can you understand why your husband enjoys it now, too?

I'm not saying you're wrong and he's right - just, I've worked from home on and off for 20 years too and it would really take something special for me to give it up.

UMMM - Years of working from home while raising kids.. Intentionally as I'm the main caretaker. Please do not glorify this.

Please, if she was working she had childcare. She took a lower pace job, got to work from and hang out with kids in afternoon, while he dragged himself to an office to bankroll her leaning out.

Said like someone who has never tried to respond to client follow up emails while a child asks you to play with them and the other child demands another snack. Or tried to finish writing a work proposal on your laptop outside swim/gymnastics/ballet/hockey. Or gotten the call that your kid has a fever and needs to be picked up right before you are scheduled to deliver a live webinar, when your partner is at least an hour from the school.

I am very grateful for my flexible, WFH job that enables me to be present in my kids’ lives. But it is very different from a WFH set up that merely allows you to sleep in late and wear sweat pants all day. Comparing OP’s WFH experience to her husband’s is inaccurate. For her WFH was essential to family functioning. To him, it’s a cool perk.[/quote

BINGO!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a SAHM but everything else about your post resonates with me 100%. A few months ago DH started going to back to the office 2-3 days/wk and it's turned everything around. How is your sex life? That's the one piece of evidence I was able to use to persuade DH to get out of the house on a regular basis. We used to have sex regularly 2-3 x/wk and when he was home it was more like 2x/month. On my part it was b/c of everything you listed, he was just around too much and I never got to miss him. There are so many psychological benefits for him getting out of the house even if they aren't tangible. And there is solid data that staying at home (whether WAH or SAHD) reduces testosterone levels.

Exactly - too much time together is killing my desire and feeling I once had for him. Even a couple of times/week would make a difference, but he refuses. I am not attracted to him at all. Glad your DH listened and at least got out of the house a bit!

Find yourself a space to work outside of your home! Be it Starbucks, a shared space or anything. This seems like something you could fix if you wanted to!

I don't get the posters telling the OP to work outside the house. She is clearly the one responsible for taking care of the kids, not the DH drinking wine and watching tv until midnight. He should be the one doing what is best for his family, including his wife's emotional well-being, he needs to get back into an office and back into a sensible routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about finding an office job?

I'm 50 years old and haven't worked in an office since I was early 30's.. I selected my line of work for the remote flexibility because we have kids. I also do not have an office to go to.

I get what you're saying - but you've enjoyed 20 years of getting to WFH and refuse to give it up. Can you understand why your husband enjoys it now, too?

I'm not saying you're wrong and he's right - just, I've worked from home on and off for 20 years too and it would really take something special for me to give it up.

UMMM - Years of working from home while raising kids.. Intentionally as I'm the main caretaker. Please do not glorify this.

Please, if she was working she had childcare. She took a lower pace job, got to work from and hang out with kids in afternoon, while he dragged himself to an office to bankroll her leaning out.

Said like someone who has never tried to respond to client follow up emails while a child asks you to play with them and the other child demands another snack. Or tried to finish writing a work proposal on your laptop outside swim/gymnastics/ballet/hockey. Or gotten the call that your kid has a fever and needs to be picked up right before you are scheduled to deliver a live webinar, when your partner is at least an hour from the school.

I am very grateful for my flexible, WFH job that enables me to be present in my kids’ lives. But it is very different from a WFH set up that merely allows you to sleep in late and wear sweat pants all day. Comparing OP’s WFH experience to her husband’s is inaccurate. For her WFH was essential to family functioning. To him, it’s a cool perk.

I feel the same. But if the kids are older, I wonder if this is more resentment than actual dissatisfaction with the current situation. Like, OMG it would have been amazing if you had done this when it would be helpful more than I hate you are doing it now. Because unfortunately you have found out your husband is happy to do this for himself, but not to help you/the kids. Even if he goes back to the office, the resentment is still going to be there if nothing else happens. I would invest in a very nice home office for myself, have strong boundaries about him not coming in without checking (I do complicated data analysis work and it is distracting to have someone wander in, luckily my husband is good about this) and then let it go.

FWIW I feel like a really boring person now I WAH all the time and I feel like I have nothing to talk about with my husband besides the kids. If my kids were older and needed me less I would love to leave the house more either for work or gym classes, hobbies something! Maybe you can find something to make your own life more interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about finding an office job?

I'm 50 years old and haven't worked in an office since I was early 30's.. I selected my line of work for the remote flexibility because we have kids. I also do not have an office to go to.

I get what you're saying - but you've enjoyed 20 years of getting to WFH and refuse to give it up. Can you understand why your husband enjoys it now, too?

I'm not saying you're wrong and he's right - just, I've worked from home on and off for 20 years too and it would really take something special for me to give it up.

UMMM - Years of working from home while raising kids.. Intentionally as I'm the main caretaker. Please do not glorify this.

Please, if she was working she had childcare. She took a lower pace job, got to work from and hang out with kids in afternoon, while he dragged himself to an office to bankroll her leaning out.

Said like someone who has never tried to respond to client follow up emails while a child asks you to play with them and the other child demands another snack. Or tried to finish writing a work proposal on your laptop outside swim/gymnastics/ballet/hockey. Or gotten the call that your kid has a fever and needs to be picked up right before you are scheduled to deliver a live webinar, when your partner is at least an hour from the school.

I am very grateful for my flexible, WFH job that enables me to be present in my kids’ lives. But it is very different from a WFH set up that merely allows you to sleep in late and wear sweat pants all day. Comparing OP’s WFH experience to her husband’s is inaccurate. For her WFH was essential to family functioning. To him, it’s a cool perk.

DP, not the one to whom you're responding, and while I agree with the examples you use -- and I have been that WFH mother for many years -- two things:

One: "For her WFH was essential," the key word being "was," depending on the kids' ages now. I do agree that even older kids who are not driving for themselves can mean it's far better to WFH with kids in MS and even HS (which is exactly what I did).

But let's bear in mind that OP also notes, if I'm reading the thread right, that she does not have an office to which she can "return" so those saying she should go back to the office don't know what they're talking about. Nor should she be forced to find a different job in an office (as someone else here insisted) JUST because her DH is now at home and she does not like that fact.

But she does exhibit, in her posts serious inflexibility and apparent lack of any interest in helping work out better solutions with her DH. She seems so angry that she just has chosen to stay that way and not come up with actual ideas beyond wanting things back exactly as they were before 2020.

Two: "To him, it's a cool perk." In this specific case, yes, since this DH seems to have coworkers who have returned to an office.

But I'm just noting for the broader discussion: That's not the case for every DH or DW who continues to work at home. It's not always a choice and not always about "I like to stay in my PJs all day." My DH and his team all work from home four days a week and go to the office one day each week (the same day, to meet etc.). This is going to be their arrangement for the foreseeable future, in part because his team's work is doable remotely, and in part because his employer reduced office space during the pandemic. He could not "go back to the office" five days a week (or even three or four) if he wanted to -- someone else "hotels" on the other four days a week in the office he used to use.

I'm noting this though it doesn't apply to the OP, because I think some PPs are assuming that many WFH spouses could choose simply to stroll back into offices FT, but that isn't always the case. My DH is not the only person I know whose office has arranged things for at least partial WFH as a permanent thing, going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you still sleeping with him?

If you told him it’sa turn off and you stopped sleeping with him then that should have changed his behavior.

It's a chore that I give into occasionally. He knows I'm not interested.

Very few wives are interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about finding an office job?

I'm 50 years old and haven't worked in an office since I was early 30's.. I selected my line of work for the remote flexibility because we have kids. I also do not have an office to go to.

I get what you're saying - but you've enjoyed 20 years of getting to WFH and refuse to give it up. Can you understand why your husband enjoys it now, too?

I'm not saying you're wrong and he's right - just, I've worked from home on and off for 20 years too and it would really take something special for me to give it up.

UMMM - Years of working from home while raising kids.. Intentionally as I'm the main caretaker. Please do not glorify this.

Please, if she was working she had childcare. She took a lower pace job, got to work from and hang out with kids in afternoon, while he dragged himself to an office to bankroll her leaning out.

Said like someone who has never tried to respond to client follow up emails while a child asks you to play with them and the other child demands another snack. Or tried to finish writing a work proposal on your laptop outside swim/gymnastics/ballet/hockey. Or gotten the call that your kid has a fever and needs to be picked up right before you are scheduled to deliver a live webinar, when your partner is at least an hour from the school.

I am very grateful for my flexible, WFH job that enables me to be present in my kids’ lives. But it is very different from a WFH set up that merely allows you to sleep in late and wear sweat pants all day. Comparing OP’s WFH experience to her husband’s is inaccurate. For her WFH was essential to family functioning. To him, it’s a cool perk.

If op can’t afford to use a wework spade, she doesn’t have that kind of job. She leaned back and DH made the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of this resonates with me, too. We were full time remote during the pandemic and my husband’s job stayed remote. My husband rarely stays in his office (we only have one office) and will sit on the couch or wherever I am for hours. The only time he leaves is to go to Costco or grocery shopping. On the weekends we will do stuff as a family or I will meet friends but he rarely does anything on his own. It drives me crazy. I am an introvert and something of a homebody who needs time alone to feel recharged and the only time I can be alone is if I go to bed early.

You bring up a good point. I'm one of the sahm who posted earlier about getting my dh back in the office 2-3x/wk. I am an introvert and need dedicated alone time in a quiet house each day. When I had babies and toddlers at home nap time and later quiet time were strictly enforced. This aspect of my personality was well established before we got married.

OP, if this resonated with you it might be a fair discussion point with you DH. I'm guessing if you have WAH for this long it's a really important component of your overall well being.

God, you’re all so ridiculous. She is the one who has a problem with the situation. She can be the one to change.

We may seem ridiculous but you are absolutely ignorant and clueless. Get a grip on reality, personalities, and the importance of one's well-being. Especially a working parent who is mainly responsible for kids.

You’re impressively wrong. “Personalities?” Get a grip on OP’s ridiculous entitlement.

(working parent of multiple kids)