DH WFH is a huge turn off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have found out what he likes to do, when he has more freedom to choose. This is likely the life he might opt for in retirement.

It is a little rich that you like working from home and now resent that he wants that same lifestyle (which you have enjoyed in the past). If you are unhappy with the current arrangement, why do you assume he should be the one to get out? Perhaps it is your turn to commute, be tied to strict hours, etc?

Who is he hurting by sleeping later and wearing comfy clothes...if he is getting his work done? Sad that you loved a stereotype instead of a person.

Mind you, if he is drinking too much, that could be a health issue. I would recommend he discuss that with his doctor (honestly). But your other complaints just sound judgy, shallow and selfish.

UMM you seem to have missed the post that OP has kids and has WFH to be the main caretaker. I wouldn't like my DH drinking and staying up until midnight, waking at 9am, jams at 4:30 for my kids to see on a daily basis. what kind of role model is that?

Hasn't OP been working from home for nearly 20 years? The statute of limitations on OP saying she is WFH for the kids has expired.

There is a big possibility they have kids that are under 10, not driving, etc. "self-sufficient" probably means they can get their own water and granola bar. But not necessarily driving themselves to/from school and Dr appts..

[Anonymous]

Some of this resonates with me, too. We were full time remote during the pandemic and my husband’s job stayed remote. My husband rarely stays in his office (we only have one office) and will sit on the couch or wherever I am for hours. The only time he leaves is to go to Costco or grocery shopping. On the weekends we will do stuff as a family or I will meet friends but he rarely does anything on his own. It drives me crazy. I am an introvert and something of a homebody who needs time alone to feel recharged and the only time I can be alone is if I go to bed early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of this resonates with me, too. We were full time remote during the pandemic and my husband’s job stayed remote. My husband rarely stays in his office (we only have one office) and will sit on the couch or wherever I am for hours. The only time he leaves is to go to Costco or grocery shopping. On the weekends we will do stuff as a family or I will meet friends but he rarely does anything on his own. It drives me crazy. I am an introvert and something of a homebody who needs time alone to feel recharged and the only time I can be alone is if I go to bed early.

You bring up a good point. I'm one of the sahm who posted earlier about getting my dh back in the office 2-3x/wk. I am an introvert and need dedicated alone time in a quiet house each day. When I had babies and toddlers at home nap time and later quiet time were strictly enforced. This aspect of my personality was well established before we got married.

OP, if this resonated with you it might be a fair discussion point with you DH. I'm guessing if you have WAH for this long it's a really important component of your overall well being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about finding an office job?

I'm 50 years old and haven't worked in an office since I was early 30's.. I selected my line of work for the remote flexibility because we have kids. I also do not have an office to go to.

I get what you're saying - but you've enjoyed 20 years of getting to WFH and refuse to give it up. Can you understand why your husband enjoys it now, too?

I'm not saying you're wrong and he's right - just, I've worked from home on and off for 20 years too and it would really take something special for me to give it up.

UMMM - Years of working from home while raising kids.. Intentionally as I'm the main caretaker. Please do not glorify this.

Please, if she was working she had childcare. She took a lower pace job, got to work from and hang out with kids in afternoon, while he dragged himself to an office to bankroll her leaning out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know you don't want to get an office job, but I would really consider it if I were you. It will solve the problem of annoying each other all day. Plus, you can pawn off all kinds of annoying tasks on DH - meet the repairman, bring in the mail, unpack the grocery delivery, etc - and live the way he lived when you were home as the primary parent/house manager. Win-win!

Bring in the mail? You are really grasping as straws for the make work of being home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree about DH getting into a rut. I suspected my DH did also, because I had many of the same concerns as OP (although I am a SAHM with young kids) and my DH started going into the office twoish times a week after some nagging on my part. Then, once he settled into that after about a month he started going in almost every day completely by his own choice. Our marriage has been so much better!

Nagging wife drives DH from home. That’s better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of this resonates with me, too. We were full time remote during the pandemic and my husband’s job stayed remote. My husband rarely stays in his office (we only have one office) and will sit on the couch or wherever I am for hours. The only time he leaves is to go to Costco or grocery shopping. On the weekends we will do stuff as a family or I will meet friends but he rarely does anything on his own. It drives me crazy. I am an introvert and something of a homebody who needs time alone to feel recharged and the only time I can be alone is if I go to bed early.

He has an office. Why not put a desk in your bedroom and close the door (say you have some calls) and work there? Don’t your kids have desks in their bedroom? You can hotel swap with your kids for desk space. That’s how we do it, we know when you are working at a desk in a room with closed door you are working.

Hanging out on the couch “working” — a communal area no wonder he thinks you are free for water cooler break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much worse than WFH, my husband retired in 2021 and it's a nightmare. He literally leaves the house for 3-5 hours a week. I WFH three days but I might start going in more than two days a week. The sloth kills our marriage.

UGH!! This sounds miserable, especially since you are still working and he is not. He needs a hobby to get him some fresh air and outside. Maybe volunteer? golf? tennis? something!!

I agree, but it's been 16 months and he is a pro at surfing his iPad. Rides his bike in warm weather. Otherwise, nada. Luckily I'm not ready to retire but when I do, I'll need to have a structured volunteer and exercise schedule.

[Anonymous]

So YOU get the benefits of working from home, but he doesn’t? Yeah, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about finding an office job?

I'm 50 years old and haven't worked in an office since I was early 30's.. I selected my line of work for the remote flexibility because we have kids. I also do not have an office to go to.

If this is so important to you, go get a job that gives you an office to go to. “Problem” solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you thought about finding an office job?

I'm 50 years old and haven't worked in an office since I was early 30's.. I selected my line of work for the remote flexibility because we have kids. I also do not have an office to go to.

I get what you're saying - but you've enjoyed 20 years of getting to WFH and refuse to give it up. Can you understand why your husband enjoys it now, too?

I'm not saying you're wrong and he's right - just, I've worked from home on and off for 20 years too and it would really take something special for me to give it up.

I have a very good job that I like and do not have an office to go to. This was the arrangement since we married and started a family. No, I do not think I should change jobs.

Cool. Then you’ll both be working at home.

You’re ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can COMPLETELY relate. I’ve worked from home for the past ten years while DH worked (mostly) at the office. When COVID hit, he took over my home office because he’s on calls most of the day and we have a very small house and little kids, so it made sense at the time.

Here we are coming up on 2023 and my home office is only “mine” at night and on the weekends. Even so, we’re making it work… but it’s the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” part that is really killing us. When you are constantly around one person 24/7 it’s just a lot. I don’t have an office building to pop into if I need my own space. Even small things like being able to have a friend over for coffee and private conversation or turning up the music while I’m cleaning or - hell, being able to get out of the shower and not have to dodge Mr. Sweatpants because I have sh-t to do and don’t want to have sex right then. It’s. A. Lot. Of. Togetherness.

For those saying OP has had her moment in the sun being home alone for all these years, please understand that they probably had a system that worked well and that system has been upended with no end in sight, and if you don’t have an outlet or an escape, your home can start to feel like a prison.

Are you always this melodramatic, or only on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like there are a lot of very defensive ppl that enjoy WFH since covid on here.

OP has not had an office job for years, but should change jobs so she has an office to go to? When her husband has an office out of the house, but refuses? come on...

You come on. He has an office his employer does not require him to work in. He prefers WFH now that it’s available to him, just as she does.

Come on, indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I realize this is going to be hard for the DCUM girl boss and jaded beta-male sets to acknowledge, but please consider that mating strategies are hardwired and for most women having a spouse in the domestic sphere all day--even if they are providing for the family by 21 c standards--is going to be a huge turn off. You can blast me for being sexist or un-PC or whatever, but it's a hallow moral victory if the marriage is ruined. Going to the office a few days a week is not a big ask. Obviously this doesn't apply to couples who agreed to this on their own terms, but for a lot of women having their spouse around at home all day is going to be unattractive and it's unrealistic to expect the OP to just turn that switch off when there is a reasonable middle ground here.

HAHAHAHA. You’re absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I realize this is going to be hard for the DCUM girl boss and jaded beta-male sets to acknowledge, but please consider that mating strategies are hardwired and for most women having a spouse in the domestic sphere all day--even if they are providing for the family by 21 c standards--is going to be a huge turn off. You can blast me for being sexist or un-PC or whatever, but it's a hallow moral victory if the marriage is ruined. Going to the office a few days a week is not a big ask. Obviously this doesn't apply to couples who agreed to this on their own terms, but for a lot of women having their spouse around at home all day is going to be unattractive and it's unrealistic to expect the OP to just turn that switch off when there is a reasonable middle ground here.

I’m as feminist as they come, but I agree.

Then you’re not a feminist. Sorry.