A middle aged man's (actual) list of desired qualities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a super fit woman in my mid 40s, I also meet the other criteria except finally secure. I've focused my time on being in the gym, being with friends, and eating healthy, home-cooked meals instead of my career. I used to be a SAHM and am back in the field. Looking to meet someone decent who is willing to be the bread winner, it's tough!

Why does he need to be a bread winner ? Do you plan to have more kids? Men usually take on bread winner role if they have joint kids with you. If that’s not what you plan, then you are better off making a career shift than looking for a sponsor. It will be a relationship with significant power imbalance. I wouldn’t want to tolerate power imbalance in relationship in my mid life. Had enough of it in my first marriage

I want to agree with you because I've always focused on my career, but I have one client whose newest wife is an exception. She's in her late forties (best guess) and very fit and has focused on taking care of herself over a real career. She had already raised her kid before they met. Client (late 60s, still fit and super active) is extremely wealthy and they fly private over the world together to his many houses and on awesome vacations. Who knows how long it will last or what would happen to her if he dies, but she is living a very enviable lifestyle at the moment!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a super fit woman in my mid 40s, I also meet the other criteria except finally secure. I've focused my time on being in the gym, being with friends, and eating healthy, home-cooked meals instead of my career. I used to be a SAHM and am back in the field. Looking to meet someone decent who is willing to be the bread winner, it's tough!

Why does he need to be a bread winner ? Do you plan to have more kids? Men usually take on bread winner role if they have joint kids with you. If that’s not what you plan, then you are better off making a career shift than looking for a sponsor. It will be a relationship with significant power imbalance. I wouldn’t want to tolerate power imbalance in relationship in my mid life. Had enough of it in my first marriage

I want to agree with you because I've always focused on my career, but I have one client whose newest wife is an exception. She's in her late forties (best guess) and very fit and has focused on taking care of herself over a real career. She had already raised her kid before they met. Client (late 60s, still fit and super active) is extremely wealthy and they fly private over the world together to his many houses and on awesome vacations. Who knows how long it will last or what would happen to her if he dies, but she is living a very enviable lifestyle at the moment!

My first husband was of this type. Not sure I want it again: if that ends (in divorce or him dying and leaving everything to his kids), it’s very hard to switch from flying all over the world to an average local life. If her husband provided a good prenup then she’s ok. I wouldn’t date another wealthy husband unless it’s a multi million prenup - the power imbalance is way too much, and you have to build your life around his needs and needs of his family and friends. I have my own estimated future earnings in millions and wouldn’t give it up for nothing.
I had a very carefree 20s and 30s, spending months in Europe on vacations, multiple skiing trips , exotic destinations. At some point you just don’t want it, and would rather be with someone warm and cozy who really appreciates you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Widowed man and I'm looking for her now. Have been on about 15 dates. Didn't want any second dates so far. It's a lot of effort.

Fit, financially secure, likes to stay in and let me cook us a meal then watch a movie as much as dress up and go out dancing, or maybe a hike in the woods. No ex baggage at all-none. Grown kids who don't live with her. Not allergic to cats. Adventurous and expects the same in me. Willing to try new things. Bonus if she has a nice a$$.

Let me guess. You’re 60 and she should be under 45.

You're close. You say that like it's a bad thing.

It’s uneven. Men die earlier typically. People like this don’t want to be known for their money but what else are they actually bringing to the table

Exactly. So let’s see: second marriage, maybe they don’t combine finances because if existing kids. She gets what, ten years if companionship before he’s an old man and then she’s still active while he needs caretaking. Then he dies and she is not only alone with no one to take care of her, but also no money to replace someone taking care of her because it all goes to his kids.

+1

Money goes to kids. This.

That’s why nobody needs these old men. They have literally nothing to offer. I would rather date a 40 something type PP who doesn’t want anything serious: at least I have my freedom to date while I have a FWB my age and his younger body to enjoy

+1 I have a few friends who meet all the criteria listed here and are in their 40s. Attractive, fit, well-dressed, lots of hobbies, great jobs and own their own homes, no kids, etc. None of them are interested in the old retiree men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't brownstamp but accepts if I do, on occasion. #Empathy

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these dudes who say ‘not fat’ havevsex packs and are over 6’1”, right?

Women: What do men want?

Men: We want these things.

Women: F-you!! And you're fat!

Yep, every time. The women of DCUM love to tell us what we should want, and correct us when we answer the question of what we do want. Really, why ask?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Widowed man and I'm looking for her now. Have been on about 15 dates. Didn't want any second dates so far. It's a lot of effort.

Fit, financially secure, likes to stay in and let me cook us a meal then watch a movie as much as dress up and go out dancing, or maybe a hike in the woods. No ex baggage at all-none. Grown kids who don't live with her. Not allergic to cats. Adventurous and expects the same in me. Willing to try new things. Bonus if she has a nice a$$.

Let me guess. You’re 60 and she should be under 45.

You're close. You say that like it's a bad thing.

It’s uneven. Men die earlier typically. People like this don’t want to be known for their money but what else are they actually bringing to the table

Exactly. So let’s see: second marriage, maybe they don’t combine finances because if existing kids. She gets what, ten years if companionship before he’s an old man and then she’s still active while he needs caretaking. Then he dies and she is not only alone with no one to take care of her, but also no money to replace someone taking care of her because it all goes to his kids.

Last wife was 13 years younger than me. I ended up being her caretaker to the end, same as my wife before her who was 5 years younger than me. F cancer. My kids are doing well and certainly don't need my money when I'm gone. I can still run circles around most men 15 years younger than me and I'm in great health. But thanks for your projections. Life isn't always so predictable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Widowed man and I'm looking for her now. Have been on about 15 dates. Didn't want any second dates so far. It's a lot of effort.

Fit, financially secure, likes to stay in and let me cook us a meal then watch a movie as much as dress up and go out dancing, or maybe a hike in the woods. No ex baggage at all-none. Grown kids who don't live with her. Not allergic to cats. Adventurous and expects the same in me. Willing to try new things. Bonus if she has a nice a$$.

Widow here and we would be a good match, though I've found a really good man I'm enjoying dating.
I meet most of the criteria on these lists and have not had a problem getting dates with decent men. So there must not be many of us out there. (I'm not that pretty, just average.)
Fit and financially secure are probably the hardest to come by. Amongst my single friends, no one is both.
Also, if I came across your profile I would be interested. Good luck and sorry for your loss.

Thank you. By, financially secure, I don't mean wealthy. I just mean someone who can at least support herself and isn't in serious debt. I've met a few of those. There are no many of you out there for sure, but they are out there. I'm patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Widowed man and I'm looking for her now. Have been on about 15 dates. Didn't want any second dates so far. It's a lot of effort.

Fit, financially secure, likes to stay in and let me cook us a meal then watch a movie as much as dress up and go out dancing, or maybe a hike in the woods. No ex baggage at all-none. Grown kids who don't live with her. Not allergic to cats. Adventurous and expects the same in me. Willing to try new things. Bonus if she has a nice a$$.

Let me guess. You’re 60 and she should be under 45.

You're close. You say that like it's a bad thing.

It’s uneven. Men die earlier typically. People like this don’t want to be known for their money but what else are they actually bringing to the table

Exactly. So let’s see: second marriage, maybe they don’t combine finances because if existing kids. She gets what, ten years if companionship before he’s an old man and then she’s still active while he needs caretaking. Then he dies and she is not only alone with no one to take care of her, but also no money to replace someone taking care of her because it all goes to his kids.

+1

So who do they date? If I imagine a counterfactual version of myself now having never married or had kids, I think dating would be hard. Not sure I'd date younger because I don't respect men who are clearly subordinate to me, and not sure I'd want to date older, especially if he had kids and I didn't. The dating pool seems impossibly small....

Money goes to kids. This.

That’s why nobody needs these old men. They have literally nothing to offer. I would rather date a 40 something type PP who doesn’t want anything serious: at least I have my freedom to date while I have a FWB my age and his younger body to enjoy

+1 I have a few friends who meet all the criteria listed here and are in their 40s. Attractive, fit, well-dressed, lots of hobbies, great jobs and own their own homes, no kids, etc. None of them are interested in the old retiree men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Widowed man and I'm looking for her now. Have been on about 15 dates. Didn't want any second dates so far. It's a lot of effort.

Fit, financially secure, likes to stay in and let me cook us a meal then watch a movie as much as dress up and go out dancing, or maybe a hike in the woods. No ex baggage at all-none. Grown kids who don't live with her. Not allergic to cats. Adventurous and expects the same in me. Willing to try new things. Bonus if she has a nice a$$.

Let me guess. You’re 60 and she should be under 45.

You're close. You say that like it's a bad thing.

It’s uneven. Men die earlier typically. People like this don’t want to be known for their money but what else are they actually bringing to the table

Exactly. So let’s see: second marriage, maybe they don’t combine finances because if existing kids. She gets what, ten years if companionship before he’s an old man and then she’s still active while he needs caretaking. Then he dies and she is not only alone with no one to take care of her, but also no money to replace someone taking care of her because it all goes to his kids.

+1

So who do they date? If I imagine a counterfactual version of myself now having never married or had kids, I think dating would be hard. Not sure I'd date younger because I don't respect men who are clearly subordinate to me, and not sure I'd want to date older, especially if he had kids and I didn't. The dating pool seems impossibly small....

Money goes to kids. This.

That’s why nobody needs these old men. They have literally nothing to offer. I would rather date a 40 something type PP who doesn’t want anything serious: at least I have my freedom to date while I have a FWB my age and his younger body to enjoy

+1 I have a few friends who meet all the criteria listed here and are in their 40s. Attractive, fit, well-dressed, lots of hobbies, great jobs and own their own homes, no kids, etc. None of them are interested in the old retiree men.

I'm not retired. I plan to work until I'm about 70.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Widowed man and I'm looking for her now. Have been on about 15 dates. Didn't want any second dates so far. It's a lot of effort.

Fit, financially secure, likes to stay in and let me cook us a meal then watch a movie as much as dress up and go out dancing, or maybe a hike in the woods. No ex baggage at all-none. Grown kids who don't live with her. Not allergic to cats. Adventurous and expects the same in me. Willing to try new things. Bonus if she has a nice a$$.

Let me guess. You’re 60 and she should be under 45.

You're close. You say that like it's a bad thing.

It’s uneven. Men die earlier typically. People like this don’t want to be known for their money but what else are they actually bringing to the table

Exactly. So let’s see: second marriage, maybe they don’t combine finances because if existing kids. She gets what, ten years if companionship before he’s an old man and then she’s still active while he needs caretaking. Then he dies and she is not only alone with no one to take care of her, but also no money to replace someone taking care of her because it all goes to his kids.

+1

Money goes to kids. This.

Plus his di(k may or may not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Widowed man and I'm looking for her now. Have been on about 15 dates. Didn't want any second dates so far. It's a lot of effort.

Fit, financially secure, likes to stay in and let me cook us a meal then watch a movie as much as dress up and go out dancing, or maybe a hike in the woods. No ex baggage at all-none. Grown kids who don't live with her. Not allergic to cats. Adventurous and expects the same in me. Willing to try new things. Bonus if she has a nice a$$.

Let me guess. You’re 60 and she should be under 45.

You're close. You say that like it's a bad thing.

It’s uneven. Men die earlier typically. People like this don’t want to be known for their money but what else are they actually bringing to the table

Exactly. So let’s see: second marriage, maybe they don’t combine finances because if existing kids. She gets what, ten years if companionship before he’s an old man and then she’s still active while he needs caretaking. Then he dies and she is not only alone with no one to take care of her, but also no money to replace someone taking care of her because it all goes to his kids.

+1

So who do they date? If I imagine a counterfactual version of myself now having never married or had kids, I think dating would be hard. Not sure I'd date younger because I don't respect men who are clearly subordinate to me, and not sure I'd want to date older, especially if he had kids and I didn't. The dating pool seems impossibly small....

Money goes to kids. This.

That’s why nobody needs these old men. They have literally nothing to offer. I would rather date a 40 something type PP who doesn’t want anything serious: at least I have my freedom to date while I have a FWB my age and his younger body to enjoy

+1 I have a few friends who meet all the criteria listed here and are in their 40s. Attractive, fit, well-dressed, lots of hobbies, great jobs and own their own homes, no kids, etc. None of them are interested in the old retiree men.

I'm not retired. I plan to work until I'm about 70.

Yeah and then you’re retired at home while she’s still in her career prime. And when she’s retired and wants to travel you’re 80 if you’re alive at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Widowed man and I'm looking for her now. Have been on about 15 dates. Didn't want any second dates so far. It's a lot of effort.

Fit, financially secure, likes to stay in and let me cook us a meal then watch a movie as much as dress up and go out dancing, or maybe a hike in the woods. No ex baggage at all-none. Grown kids who don't live with her. Not allergic to cats. Adventurous and expects the same in me. Willing to try new things. Bonus if she has a nice a$$.

Let me guess. You’re 60 and she should be under 45.

You're close. You say that like it's a bad thing.

It’s uneven. Men die earlier typically. People like this don’t want to be known for their money but what else are they actually bringing to the table

Exactly. So let’s see: second marriage, maybe they don’t combine finances because if existing kids. She gets what, ten years if companionship before he’s an old man and then she’s still active while he needs caretaking. Then he dies and she is not only alone with no one to take care of her, but also no money to replace someone taking care of her because it all goes to his kids.

Last wife was 13 years younger than me. I ended up being her caretaker to the end, same as my wife before her who was 5 years younger than me. F cancer. My kids are doing well and certainly don't need my money when I'm gone. I can still run circles around most men 15 years younger than me and I'm in great health. But thanks for your projections. Life isn't always so predictable.

It you are so well off, healthy and took care of 2 wives, why do you look for a “financially secure” woman? You should be able to support a third wife no prob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Widowed man and I'm looking for her now. Have been on about 15 dates. Didn't want any second dates so far. It's a lot of effort.

Fit, financially secure, likes to stay in and let me cook us a meal then watch a movie as much as dress up and go out dancing, or maybe a hike in the woods. No ex baggage at all-none. Grown kids who don't live with her. Not allergic to cats. Adventurous and expects the same in me. Willing to try new things. Bonus if she has a nice a$$.

Let me guess. You’re 60 and she should be under 45.

You're close. You say that like it's a bad thing.

It’s uneven. Men die earlier typically. People like this don’t want to be known for their money but what else are they actually bringing to the table

Exactly. So let’s see: second marriage, maybe they don’t combine finances because if existing kids. She gets what, ten years if companionship before he’s an old man and then she’s still active while he needs caretaking. Then he dies and she is not only alone with no one to take care of her, but also no money to replace someone taking care of her because it all goes to his kids.

+1

So who do they date? If I imagine a counterfactual version of myself now having never married or had kids, I think dating would be hard. Not sure I'd date younger because I don't respect men who are clearly subordinate to me, and not sure I'd want to date older, especially if he had kids and I didn't. The dating pool seems impossibly small....

Money goes to kids. This.

That’s why nobody needs these old men. They have literally nothing to offer. I would rather date a 40 something type PP who doesn’t want anything serious: at least I have my freedom to date while I have a FWB my age and his younger body to enjoy

+1 I have a few friends who meet all the criteria listed here and are in their 40s. Attractive, fit, well-dressed, lots of hobbies, great jobs and own their own homes, no kids, etc. None of them are interested in the old retiree men.

I'm not retired. I plan to work until I'm about 70.

Yeah and then you’re retired at home while she’s still in her career prime. And when she’s retired and wants to travel you’re 80 if you’re alive at all.

Yep, my own mom was a burst of energy making money buying and flipping properties at 55 yo. She just slowed back a little bit at 70. I cannot imagine her with a guy who’s 70, leaving alone myself ! In my 40s I am planning for a second baby !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these dudes who say ‘not fat’ havevsex packs and are over 6’1”, right?

Women: What do men want?

Men: We want these things.

Women: F-you!! And you're fat!

Yep, every time. The women of DCUM love to tell us what we should want, and correct us when we answer the question of what we do want. Really, why ask?

You have an issue with people who age at the same rate as you. Have some introspection as to why this is an issue for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Widowed man and I'm looking for her now. Have been on about 15 dates. Didn't want any second dates so far. It's a lot of effort.

Fit, financially secure, likes to stay in and let me cook us a meal then watch a movie as much as dress up and go out dancing, or maybe a hike in the woods. No ex baggage at all-none. Grown kids who don't live with her. Not allergic to cats. Adventurous and expects the same in me. Willing to try new things. Bonus if she has a nice a$$.

Let me guess. You’re 60 and she should be under 45.

You're close. You say that like it's a bad thing.

It’s uneven. Men die earlier typically. People like this don’t want to be known for their money but what else are they actually bringing to the table

Exactly. So let’s see: second marriage, maybe they don’t combine finances because if existing kids. She gets what, ten years if companionship before he’s an old man and then she’s still active while he needs caretaking. Then he dies and she is not only alone with no one to take care of her, but also no money to replace someone taking care of her because it all goes to his kids.

+1

So who do they date? If I imagine a counterfactual version of myself now having never married or had kids, I think dating would be hard. Not sure I'd date younger because I don't respect men who are clearly subordinate to me, and not sure I'd want to date older, especially if he had kids and I didn't. The dating pool seems impossibly small....

Money goes to kids. This.

That’s why nobody needs these old men. They have literally nothing to offer. I would rather date a 40 something type PP who doesn’t want anything serious: at least I have my freedom to date while I have a FWB my age and his younger body to enjoy

+1 I have a few friends who meet all the criteria listed here and are in their 40s. Attractive, fit, well-dressed, lots of hobbies, great jobs and own their own homes, no kids, etc. None of them are interested in the old retiree men.

I'm not retired. I plan to work until I'm about 70.

Yeah and then you’re retired at home while she’s still in her career prime. And when she’s retired and wants to travel you’re 80 if you’re alive at all.

Yep, my own mom was a burst of energy making money buying and flipping properties at 55 yo. She just slowed back a little bit at 70. I cannot imagine her with a guy who’s 70, leaving alone myself ! In my 40s I am planning for a second baby !

I was just thinking the same thing about my mom. She's in her late 60s and rides her bike or skis almost everyday. She doesn't date, but I can't imagine her with someone her own age, let alone someone any older than her. She's just seems so young, vibrant and fun right now. To put herself in a potential caretaking roll again would be the worst.