I do not like the parent population at my kids school

[Anonymous]

It's not the same at all schools. I think the school OP is talking about is one where there is a group of people who all seem to know each other who sit together at school and sports events, so there is clearly a parent community experience to be had but only available to some. You can be there for years and still feel like you're on the outside of something and you see it all the time because the parents are involved in the life of the school. There's nobody who says "hey come join us" even if you've been together at this school for years.

That's different from other schools where all the parents say hi and chat for a second.

[Anonymous]

We started at a Catholic school this year and thank God all the parents have been so nice! But my son doesn't like any of the kids with friendly moms. He has made three friends so far and all three go to aftercare so I've never seen the parents, they aren't in the directory and they don't come to after school events. He wants to make playdates and I don't know how to find these people.

[Anonymous]

I would say NPS is a rare safe zone amongst its peer schools. Not that the parents aren’t pre connected and monied, but they are committed to being nicer because that’s the culture of the school and it’s become a differentiator.

When I was in OP’s position, the toughest part was that some of the fancy moms were truly kind and eager to connect but it just took one clubby, status obsessed parent to shift everything. And the nice fancy ones don’t know it’s happening since they are treated well thanks to their social capital.

The critical question is when and how these toxic dynamics trickle down to the kids, and IME that varies a lot by age, gender, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We started at a Catholic school this year and thank God all the parents have been so nice! But my son doesn't like any of the kids with friendly moms. He has made three friends so far and all three go to aftercare so I've never seen the parents, they aren't in the directory and they don't come to after school events. He wants to make playdates and I don't know how to find these people.

How can they not be in the directory? That makes no sense. Don’t you have a class email or parent list? What school is this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We started at a Catholic school this year and thank God all the parents have been so nice! But my son doesn't like any of the kids with friendly moms. He has made three friends so far and all three go to aftercare so I've never seen the parents, they aren't in the directory and they don't come to after school events. He wants to make playdates and I don't know how to find these people.

How can they not be in the directory? That makes no sense. Don’t you have a class email or parent list? What school is this?

Reach out the to then school and ask for their contact info. Can’t be that difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say NPS is a rare safe zone amongst its peer schools. Not that the parents aren’t pre connected and monied, but they are committed to being nicer because that’s the culture of the school and it’s become a differentiator.

When I was in OP’s position, the toughest part was that some of the fancy moms were truly kind and eager to connect but it just took one clubby, status obsessed parent to shift everything. And the nice fancy ones don’t know it’s happening since they are treated well thanks to their social capital.

The critical question is when and how these toxic dynamics trickle down to the kids, and IME that varies a lot by age, gender, etc.

Yes, this is the critical question. It's about the kids! I'm not moving or purchasing a vehicle to impress anyone, but hopefully that doesn't result in my kids being shunned. If so, that is pathetic and sad. OP, a lot of these people have socialized for years in preschool settings, popular neighborhoods, clubs, churches, through older siblings, etc., and this is how they know people. For both genders, the parents of the popular "alpha" kids seem to stick together, so the question is whether the kids became that way bc of the parents or whether the parents became that way bc of the kids....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say NPS is a rare safe zone amongst its peer schools. Not that the parents aren’t pre connected and monied, but they are committed to being nicer because that’s the culture of the school and it’s become a differentiator.

When I was in OP’s position, the toughest part was that some of the fancy moms were truly kind and eager to connect but it just took one clubby, status obsessed parent to shift everything. And the nice fancy ones don’t know it’s happening since they are treated well thanks to their social capital.

The critical question is when and how these toxic dynamics trickle down to the kids, and IME that varies a lot by age, gender, etc.

Yes, this is the critical question. It's about the kids! I'm not moving or purchasing a vehicle to impress anyone, but hopefully that doesn't result in my kids being shunned. If so, that is pathetic and sad. OP, a lot of these people have socialized for years in preschool settings, popular neighborhoods, clubs, churches, through older siblings, etc., and this is how they know people. For both genders, the parents of the popular "alpha" kids seem to stick together, so the question is whether the kids became that way bc of the parents or whether the parents became that way bc of the kids....

The critical question is whether your kid becomes like their friends and their friends’ parents since that is the social environment they are living in.

[Anonymous]

What is "social capital". If you are not in politics you really have zero capital in this town.

[Anonymous]

Well that is not true and not nice regarding NPS. We are there and will say there are all kinds of parents personalities. The majority of whom seem to be nice and welcoming.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About to go through the admissions process this year. How does one pick up on this sort of thing before we actually commit to a school?? I have plenty of friends but would like to meet more friends through our kids’ school and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I don’t want to inadvertently join one of these cliquish schools!

St. Albans and Flint Hill have been named and seconded.

I'm curious about St. Pats, Beauvoir, NPS, and primary day. Because I've heard similar complaints.

NPS? I think parents there are way nerdier than at st pats and Beauvoir.

[Anonymous]

So how bad would it be for me to move my child after K to another private? I have seen enough to know that this is not the place for our family. My child seems ok but the community is not the place for us. I struggle with this because I do not want to jump from school to school but I just know deep down this is not going to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is "social capital". If you are not in politics you really have zero capital in this town.

Social capital at our school is based on $$$$, plus the "it" factor, charisma and sometimes good looks. Tale as old as time...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say NPS is a rare safe zone amongst its peer schools. Not that the parents aren’t pre connected and monied, but they are committed to being nicer because that’s the culture of the school and it’s become a differentiator.

When I was in OP’s position, the toughest part was that some of the fancy moms were truly kind and eager to connect but it just took one clubby, status obsessed parent to shift everything. And the nice fancy ones don’t know it’s happening since they are treated well thanks to their social capital.

The critical question is when and how these toxic dynamics trickle down to the kids, and IME that varies a lot by age, gender, etc.

Yes, this is the critical question. It's about the kids! I'm not moving or purchasing a vehicle to impress anyone, but hopefully that doesn't result in my kids being shunned. If so, that is pathetic and sad. OP, a lot of these people have socialized for years in preschool settings, popular neighborhoods, clubs, churches, through older siblings, etc., and this is how they know people. For both genders, the parents of the popular "alpha" kids seem to stick together, so the question is whether the kids became that way bc of the parents or whether the parents became that way bc of the kids....

The critical question is whether your kid becomes like their friends and their friends’ parents since that is the social environment they are living in.

This. Either they fit in by taking on this bad behavior as the norm or are on the "outside" with a few others because they are nice. Outside is my choice. BTDT
The real issue is if this is the majority of OP's school or just a loud or noticeable minority? We have been in both environements and it is much easier to stay away from these families if there are at least 100 kids(coed).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So how bad would it be for me to move my child after K to another private? I have seen enough to know that this is not the place for our family. My child seems ok but the community is not the place for us. I struggle with this because I do not want to jump from school to school but I just know deep down this is not going to work.

Not bad at all. I did something similar.
but dont move then for four years at least

[Anonymous]

Having been a public and private mom, it seems to me that at both, there are a few stay at home moms whose worlds revolve achieving a level of social status at the school and are toxic. Their kids school is like them being at school all over again - finding BFs, forming cliques, parties, FB selfies, excluding others or just being overt bullies, all of it. It's like this fraction of women never evolved emotionally past 22. School continues to be their life and area of influence. At 35, 45, . .

[Anonymous]

Nerd parents? Beauvoir!