I do not like the parent population at my kids school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So how bad would it be for me to move my child after K to another private? I have seen enough to know that this is not the place for our family. My child seems ok but the community is not the place for us. I struggle with this because I do not want to jump from school to school but I just know deep down this is not going to work.

Kindergarten? That's not even a blip on a radar. Kids transfer in 1st, 3rd, 4th, nobody cares. If you don't like it, bail. Sooner the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In retrospect, I feel lucky that I experienced this intensely at a top preschool, because it led us to a decidedly not clubby private. I had never been in an environment where people literally wouldn’t respond to a greeting at pickup because you had nothing to offer them socially.

There are times when I wonder if my DCs are missing out on some of what’s to offer at a Beauvoir or St. Pat’s because I wasn’t willing to “pay the price,” but the feeling of lightness that comes from not dealing with (some of) those parents has been worth it.

Was this LFS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In retrospect, I feel lucky that I experienced this intensely at a top preschool, because it led us to a decidedly not clubby private. I had never been in an environment where people literally wouldn’t respond to a greeting at pickup because you had nothing to offer them socially.

There are times when I wonder if my DCs are missing out on some of what’s to offer at a Beauvoir or St. Pat’s because I wasn’t willing to “pay the price,” but the feeling of lightness that comes from not dealing with (some of) those parents has been worth it.

It is important especially during the younger years when playdates and social things between kids are organized by parents. We did the same for k-8 (went with a very low key and friendly school) and now at big 3 type school for high school. My kid has been surprised by the snooty behavior and some of the girls ignoring her, but the nice girls all know which girls to avoid, I'm sure it is the same for boys, etc, and they avoid the snooty kids.
It feels nice to just socialize with nice people. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having been a public and private mom, it seems to me that at both, there are a few stay at home moms whose worlds revolve achieving a level of social status at the school and are toxic. Their kids school is like them being at school all over again - finding BFs, forming cliques, parties, FB selfies, excluding others or just being overt bullies, all of it. It's like this fraction of women never evolved emotionally past 22. School continues to be their life and area of influence. At 35, 45, . .

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having been a public and private mom, it seems to me that at both, there are a few stay at home moms whose worlds revolve achieving a level of social status at the school and are toxic. Their kids school is like them being at school all over again - finding BFs, forming cliques, parties, FB selfies, excluding others or just being overt bullies, all of it. It's like this fraction of women never evolved emotionally past 22. School continues to be their life and area of influence. At 35, 45, . .

+1.

I don’t think it is just SAHMs. Having been both a sahm and working mom I would say there are just as many toxic moms that work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In retrospect, I feel lucky that I experienced this intensely at a top preschool, because it led us to a decidedly not clubby private. I had never been in an environment where people literally wouldn’t respond to a greeting at pickup because you had nothing to offer them socially.

There are times when I wonder if my DCs are missing out on some of what’s to offer at a Beauvoir or St. Pat’s because I wasn’t willing to “pay the price,” but the feeling of lightness that comes from not dealing with (some of) those parents has been worth it.

It is important especially during the younger years when playdates and social things between kids are organized by parents. We did the same for k-8 (went with a very low key and friendly school) and now at big 3 type school for high school. My kid has been surprised by the snooty behavior and some of the girls ignoring her, but the nice girls all know which girls to avoid, I'm sure it is the same for boys, etc, and they avoid the snooty kids.
It feels nice to just socialize with nice people. Life is too short.

Good advice, however there are grades where the toxic element dominates the grade. you can have 15 toxic, snobby families and then 25 more attempt to follow and the rest just mostly disengage socially with the school (kids and parents alike). When the grade is 70-80 kids (as it is at some Big3) then this can change the entire grade.
I've had this happen. In contrast, when the snobby segment (kids or parents) is 5 kids, they have almost no impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and I don't know what to do about it. It is a great school but I am miserable.My kids seem happy and that its what matters. I am miserable

How long have you been there? It's possible that connections will grow over time.

I have nothing in common with the parents at the school my child goes to and yet everyone is cordial and welcoming and I am definitely not miserable.

Is it a matter of you hoped to get your own friends when you enrolled your child? Say more so we understand why you are miserable, sounds like you are having a hard time with the unmet expectations.

I hav

Different poster here.

The thing is that at some schools, many people are NOT cordial or welcoming. That is the problem. I am NOT looking for my new BFFs or even friends but it would be nice if people who I chatted with 2 or 3 times at previous events would even acknowledge me when passing at the next event It's just weird. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday and have been in many DC circles of busy people who still manage to engage politely with others. So when SAHMs of high schoolers at our school look through me (and others) I know it's not because they're "too busy"; rather that they're just being obnoxious.
Vent over: I have met some lovely people and have a dozen or so I can chat with at events and a few that I will probably keep in touch with long after my kids graduate. But the rest I could really do without.

Not a private school situation. It's the mean high school kids not changing and being mean adults. Why do you want to be friends with people who make you feel bad? You have a few people who you say are lovely so put your energy there makes more sense.

Good question. I don't want to be friends with them. But being ignored and/or looked through by a large sector of a community that you are part of is grates over time and is quietly stressful/annoying. I don't think anyone likes that feeling. I'm 47 years old with teenagers and a high level job. I probably shouldn't give a crap but I don't like it. And this school is the only place I've felt this way since I was literally a teenager myself. I've never been treated this way in a professional setting, another DC social setting, etc.
I know I'm not alone because those I am friends with at the school (also highly functional professionals) are always quick to ask (prior to school-wide events) "are you going?" "will you be there?" Every time. It's like we cling to each others for a few friendly faces amongst a decidedly unfriendly crowd.
So why do we put up with this BS? Well the education is excellent, our kids are high schoolers who are reasonably happy (hard to move them) and it's fundamentally not about us.

Maybe you are the person this school needs to make it more welcoming for everyone. I don't mean to add more to your already full plate, but it sounds like you're already serving as a hub for the nice people. Could you get those other nice people to do an experiment at the next event: Engage with all the people on the outskirts of the room. As your group gets bigger and bigger, you'll crowd out those mean girls. Even if you don't crowd them out, at least you'll have more interesting people to talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So how bad would it be for me to move my child after K to another private? I have seen enough to know that this is not the place for our family. My child seems ok but the community is not the place for us. I struggle with this because I do not want to jump from school to school but I just know deep down this is not going to work.

Make sure you give the community a chance, but don't feel guilty if it's not working out. You want a place that feels good. There are a lot of factors that go into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people feeling surprised by OP’s post may have grown up in this area and/or be part of the problem.

I really don’t want to be friends with the cliquish parents, but I get sad when I get totally ignored. It shows a basic lack of courtesy. I am sad my kids are growing in this environment. They seem fine and are well liked so far, but they may pick the general ethos of this area at some point and/or be ignored as well at some point.

In high school, I went to a school where my parents did not feel comfortable socializing. I didn't realize it then, but as an adult, I understand that it was primarily because of the disparity in wealth. My parents had never been to a gala/auction and didn't feel like the other parents cared to get to know them.

But as a kid, I had a very different experience. I was aware of some people having a lot more money and some having less, but it was not at all an issue at my progressive school. I think the kids were much more universally welcoming. I can't think of a single snobby student at that school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having been a public and private mom, it seems to me that at both, there are a few stay at home moms whose worlds revolve achieving a level of social status at the school and are toxic. Their kids school is like them being at school all over again - finding BFs, forming cliques, parties, FB selfies, excluding others or just being overt bullies, all of it. It's like this fraction of women never evolved emotionally past 22. School continues to be their life and area of influence. At 35, 45, . .

Thank you for writing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and I don't know what to do about it. It is a great school but I am miserable.My kids seem happy and that its what matters. I am miserable

How long have you been there? It's possible that connections will grow over time.

I have nothing in common with the parents at the school my child goes to and yet everyone is cordial and welcoming and I am definitely not miserable.

Is it a matter of you hoped to get your own friends when you enrolled your child? Say more so we understand why you are miserable, sounds like you are having a hard time with the unmet expectations.

I hav

Different poster here.

The thing is that at some schools, many people are NOT cordial or welcoming. That is the problem. I am NOT looking for my new BFFs or even friends but it would be nice if people who I chatted with 2 or 3 times at previous events would even acknowledge me when passing at the next event It's just weird. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday and have been in many DC circles of busy people who still manage to engage politely with others. So when SAHMs of high schoolers at our school look through me (and others) I know it's not because they're "too busy"; rather that they're just being obnoxious.
Vent over: I have met some lovely people and have a dozen or so I can chat with at events and a few that I will probably keep in touch with long after my kids graduate. But the rest I could really do without.

I don’t think this is a SAHM are the culprits thing … many working moms are snobby about SAHMs. It is a insecure parent thing .. people who feel secure in themselves usually are chill with others ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and I don't know what to do about it. It is a great school but I am miserable.My kids seem happy and that its what matters. I am miserable

How long have you been there? It's possible that connections will grow over time.

I have nothing in common with the parents at the school my child goes to and yet everyone is cordial and welcoming and I am definitely not miserable.

Is it a matter of you hoped to get your own friends when you enrolled your child? Say more so we understand why you are miserable, sounds like you are having a hard time with the unmet expectations.

I hav

Different poster here.

The thing is that at some schools, many people are NOT cordial or welcoming. That is the problem. I am NOT looking for my new BFFs or even friends but it would be nice if people who I chatted with 2 or 3 times at previous events would even acknowledge me when passing at the next event It's just weird. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday and have been in many DC circles of busy people who still manage to engage politely with others. So when SAHMs of high schoolers at our school look through me (and others) I know it's not because they're "too busy"; rather that they're just being obnoxious.
Vent over: I have met some lovely people and have a dozen or so I can chat with at events and a few that I will probably keep in touch with long after my kids graduate. But the rest I could really do without.

I don’t think this is a SAHM are the culprits thing … many working moms are snobby about SAHMs. It is a insecure parent thing .. people who feel secure in themselves usually are chill with others ..

Are parents snobbier and more judgemental in DC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and I don't know what to do about it. It is a great school but I am miserable.My kids seem happy and that its what matters. I am miserable

Translation: I’m a striver and the rich cool parents haven’t invited me into their orbit. Sorry your social climbing scheme hasn’t worked. If you didn’t have a lot of rich outgoing friends before your kid went to private school — via your neighborhood, career, country club, college and private school alum network, travel sport circuit, church or synagogue — why would you have them now? You have nothing in common, you don’t speak their language, you don’t know so and so and so and so. And frankly, you’re delusional on what private school provides you as a parent. It doesn’t guarantee any parent some brand new social orbit. And anyone who goes in expecting or fishing for that is pegged a social climbing worm from the get-go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:and I don't know what to do about it. It is a great school but I am miserable.My kids seem happy and that its what matters. I am miserable

Translation: I’m a striver and the rich cool parents haven’t invited me into their orbit. Sorry your social climbing scheme hasn’t worked. If you didn’t have a lot of rich outgoing friends before your kid went to private school — via your neighborhood, career, country club, college and private school alum network, travel sport circuit, church or synagogue — why would you have them now? You have nothing in common, you don’t speak their language, you don’t know so and so and so and so. And frankly, you’re delusional on what private school provides you as a parent. It doesn’t guarantee any parent some brand new social orbit. And anyone who goes in expecting or fishing for that is pegged a social climbing worm from the get-go.

Translation: I'm a horrible human being who will judge you based on your job, clothes, country club, friends, school. I am one of those moms who will give you my elevator pitch on where I went to college twenty years ago, every job I have had since then, and I'll be sure to let you know how rich I am. I am shallow and don't have much depth as a human being so when I see you don't have value you to me I'll ignore you and pretend you don't exist. But I sure am hell nice to people who I deem rich and worthy and you'll see me pandering and lollygagging around them. So if your neighborhood, career, country club, college and private school alumni network aren't up to mine don't bother talking to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having been a public and private mom, it seems to me that at both, there are a few stay at home moms whose worlds revolve achieving a level of social status at the school and are toxic. Their kids school is like them being at school all over again - finding BFs, forming cliques, parties, FB selfies, excluding others or just being overt bullies, all of it. It's like this fraction of women never evolved emotionally past 22. School continues to be their life and area of influence. At 35, 45, . .

It’s called status and power. You’re describing life, in general. Everyone sorts themselves. The social rungs have to be maintained. Life isn’t fair. There are aggressive elbowy people, there are timid people. There are rich and connected, there are middle class nobodies, there are middle class who will do anything to claw their way up the ladder. Half the threads on DCUM are explicitly and implicitly about strivers trying to worm their way up the social ladder. Well sweetie, it’s a dog eat dog world. A striver’s attempt up the ladder is seen as a threat. Just as ruthlessly as you seek entry into a higher rung (at the expense of someone already there: zero sum), why be surprised the current status quo doesn’t ruthlessly protect their standing and orbit from such interlopers? They don’t like you and they are under no obligation to like you or welcome you.