Unequal inheritance

[Anonymous]

I had a brother who failed to launch and ultimately died by suicide 3 years ago.

My mother died 10 years years ago. My father is still living.

My parents bought a condo for my brother to live in and paid all of his expenses including his car payment, insurance, etc.

In their Will my parents set it up so that whatever money he spent on my brother for the mortgage, car, etc. would be deducted from his inheritance upon both their deaths if my brother was still living.

[Anonymous]

Your mother is widowed and so with your brother there and the grandkids she is not lonely. She has someone to help take care of things around the house. She is using money to manipulate your brother due to her neediness. I dare say she is scared of being left alone especially if she has never lived alone before or only for short periods.

I see this in my MIL. She gave the house to DH and BIL and the grandchildren have walked away. It was suppose to be a secret but they found out and now she is upset her grandchildren won't see her. She has driven her family away, DH is the only one left who will visit her.

In your case think of it this way even if your brother gets more he will be expected to be her caregiver.

[Anonymous]

OP, my older sibling and I are in the same boat. Brother is a dud and fully capable of work, success, etc but chooses not to because mommy and daddy still pay for everything at 30. He will get way more than us, but the bum always does.

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There are millions at stake.

Just because your mom has 3-4 million now doesn’t mean she will have that much when she dies. I would expect most of the money to be gone, especially if she is supporting your brother and his kids too/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its not worth fighting over. Everyone has their own reasons including your mother. Money does NOT equal love.

dp Sounds like you are the favored one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, that sounds like a bad mother. Reward the lazy one.

+1. And it’s always with the boys. Lazy ass boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could be worse. My dad screwed his kids and grandkids and gave everything to his second wife, who he was married to for seven or eight years.

Yep. I don’t really consider it “screwed” because he earned it and certainly deserved to do what he wanted with it. But it really hurt that’s what he wanted to do because I loved my Dad and he was a really good father. Married to second wife for less than 3 months. Still stings.. I think of my own children and couldn’t imagine hurting them like that when I go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

they all had different needs at different times. And when they did, we spent money on them according to their individual needs. We made no effort to make sure that we spent the same exact amount on each kid over the years, and we never felt like we had to

You are evil. Honestly, I'm 60+ with several adult children and unless one of yours has some extreme outliner condition, all should be treated fairly. And that means equally.

What on earth are you talking about? Since when does fairly mean the same thing as financially equal?

The first PP apparently has a black and white view of the world. They don't understand that most family situations are more fluid, and needs come and go.

I mean, seriously. Do she expect me to keep a spreadsheet of every cent I ever spend on each kid?

Here's an example. We had one kid who needed to go to boarding school for a year. It wasn't free. The other kids were in public school. Are we supposed to give the other kids the cash equivalent?

We had a different kid decide to go to a private liberal arts college because it had a particular major they wanted and otherwise was a better fit for their needs. The others went to state schools with similarly good reputations and programs (think UVA). Are we supposed to pay the other kids the tuition difference?

We had one kid who needed help with child care, another who needed help with a down payment, and another who needed neither. Are we supposed to pay that kid the cash equivalent of the child care or the down payment? Or, since the kid who needed neither was the one who went to boarding school for a year, do we subtract the cost of boarding school from the down payment the other kid got and make up the difference?

I am with you PP. We have four and have done the same. We have gotten a few snide comments from one who chose a very inexpensive college about the private education chosen by her siblings. But 1) she chose the school; 2) her choices don't limit everyone else; and 3) she had many, many opportunities paid for that other people don't have like several Study Abroads; and we have since funded a lavish wedding and gifted money for car and down payment. I shut down those comments now if they ever sneak out. All of my kids are blessed WAY beyond what my husband and I received and WAY, WAY more than the average child in the U.S. I don't want to hear anyone's pity party, and we definitely will spend the $ however we want.

Inheritances are not a right. On the other hand, I totally relate to OP. When I was growing up, my step-sis got pregnant young and was supported by my dad and her mom. When I asked for some money to travel to college for my freshman year, I was told no. So, I was the one making the snide comment and said that maybe I should get pregnant instead. He whipped out the checkbook, but it was the last cash I ever got from him.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It’s none of your business how she divides things. You should be grateful and appreciative for whatever you get. [/quote]


Check the research and expert advice on this. It's really, really poor parenting that continues from the grave and leads to life long rifts. Parents can do whatever they want and their adult children are allowed to to be hurt. Your response is rude and shows ignorance to the dynamics. Nobody is owed anything.

This of it this way. You have young siblings playing nicely. They you take out a huge cookie and you give one most of the cookie and the other a small piece. Sure it's nice to get any cookie, but you have taken harmony and created extreme dysfunction.[/quote]

This. Parents who do this will create rifts that never go away. It's such a bad idea. My spouse and I had to think hard about this as we have a kid with disabilities. We allocated a little more for a few specifics but for the most part, the money is split evenly.[/quote]

Honestly it’s kind of cute that you think that your non disabled kids will be ok with the money being split “for the most part…evenly”. It’s nice to think but it’s not reality. They will be bitter and resentful that more of your time and attention and funds went to their disabled sibling.

[Anonymous]

her choices don't limit everyone else

So they each received the same amount. If so, you did it right!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my older sibling and I are in the same boat. Brother is a dud and fully capable of work, success, etc but chooses not to because mommy and daddy still pay for everything at 30. He will get way more than us, but the bum always does.

+1

Happens because the parent/s enable that particular child, well into adult hood. I see it with my SIL, and I see it with my sister. In both cases, it is the mother who favors the daughter because they see their "good side" in that daughter - there is an intricate psychology to this, however dysfunctional , enabling, stunting and self defeating. My SIL and sister will never be normal, never have normal relationships or lead a normal life, because of it. Be glad if you are not the favored one or the one left the bulk of whatever inheritance, so not worth it, truly.

[Anonymous]

I emphasize with you OP and have similar situation. (Although yours is much better, i think) In my case parents are spending ALL of their life savings (plus getting into debt) now for brother who doesn't work (and never did) but needs to have certain luxurious things like nice condo and fancy car. I am not kidding.. they have huge debts now and I am not sure how they are planning to survive, but it will surely be my responsibility to support them when they stop working (they are past retirement age already)

I can feel your pain. It is not about being ungrateful, like some people told you. Such unfair treatment will take time to heal. if I were you, I would take the money and use them for therapy. Then, perhaps, you donate the rest to charity.

[Anonymous]

So your brothers two kids lived with him and your mom since the divorce since they were 9 and 10. So your brother was a stay at home parent? Of course your mom is going to feel closer to them. How often do you visit or help out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, that sounds like a bad mother. Reward the lazy one.

+1. I would never do this.