Unequal inheritance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

they all had different needs at different times. And when they did, we spent money on them according to their individual needs. We made no effort to make sure that we spent the same exact amount on each kid over the years, and we never felt like we had to

You are evil. Honestly, I'm 60+ with several adult children and unless one of yours has some extreme outliner condition, all should be treated fairly. And that means equally.

What on earth are you talking about? Since when does fairly mean the same thing as financially equal?

The first PP apparently has a black and white view of the world. They don't understand that most family situations are more fluid, and needs come and go.

I mean, seriously. Do she expect me to keep a spreadsheet of every cent I ever spend on each kid?

Here's an example. We had one kid who needed to go to boarding school for a year. It wasn't free. The other kids were in public school. Are we supposed to give the other kids the cash equivalent?

We had a different kid decide to go to a private liberal arts college because it had a particular major they wanted and otherwise was a better fit for their needs. The others went to state schools with similarly good reputations and programs (think UVA). Are we supposed to pay the other kids the tuition difference?

We had one kid who needed help with child care, another who needed help with a down payment, and another who needed neither. Are we supposed to pay that kid the cash equivalent of the child care or the down payment? Or, since the kid who needed neither was the one who went to boarding school for a year, do we subtract the cost of boarding school from the down payment the other kid got and make up the difference?

I am with you PP. We have four and have done the same. We have gotten a few snide comments from one who chose a very inexpensive college about the private education chosen by her siblings. But 1) she chose the school; 2) her choices don't limit everyone else; and 3) she had many, many opportunities paid for that other people don't have like several Study Abroads; and we have since funded a lavish wedding and gifted money for car and down payment. I shut down those comments now if they ever sneak out. All of my kids are blessed WAY beyond what my husband and I received and WAY, WAY more than the average child in the U.S. I don't want to hear anyone's pity party, and we definitely will spend the $ however we want.

Inheritances are not a right. On the other hand, I totally relate to OP. When I was growing up, my step-sis got pregnant young and was supported by my dad and her mom. When I asked for some money to travel to college for my freshman year, I was told no. So, I was the one making the snide comment and said that maybe I should get pregnant instead. He whipped out the checkbook, but it was the last cash I ever got from him.

I’ll ask you too—do your children know (even your snarky child) that you look to help them where you can. And do you have some children who ask for help and some who don’t, and if so, do you ever offer to help the child(ren) who don’t ask for help? And when it comes to dividing your assets will you think through the needs of each child and split accordingly or just give equal percentages?

I get your point about inheritances not being a right, but I’m so curious as to how parents of adult children think through real-time help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a great way to ensure these siblings will never have a relationship

+1. Absent a SN diagnosis or crazy addiction issues, I can’t understand why a parent would not split their estate equally. I’ve seen inequitable treatment in my family and my husband’s family. I am not on good terms with my sibling and my husband is not on good terms with one of his siblings — and the root of this is unequal treatment under the guise of “this person makes less money then you and we need to somehow make things equal.” This thinking perpetuates jealousy and entitlement.

I agree

+3
Once again, due to poor choices or just plain laziness does not entitle the bum to bigger share.

I would never do this to my kids. They know if one chooses to do the work and become a doctor versus a yoga instructor - they get equal share. We don't punish the more successful, hardworking child - reeks of difunctionally and contradictory.

[Anonymous]

Leaving the money to the dud kid is a gift for the parents to themselves because they don’t think they can make it on their own and don’t want to feel worried. It’s perverse but because your mom can see that you can function she probably doesn’t even think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leaving the money to the dud kid is a gift for the parents to themselves because they don’t think they can make it on their own and don’t want to feel worried. It’s perverse but because your mom can see that you can function she probably doesn’t even think about it.

Of course they think about it. How could they not? They've just rationalized their terrible decision without any regard to the consequences. But they know exactly what they are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, that sounds like a bad mother. Reward the lazy one.

Anyone read the parable of the prodigal son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, that sounds like a bad mother. Reward the lazy one.

Anyone read the parable of the prodigal son?

To be fair, I have read it many times, and I always feel a bit bad for the kid who stayed home and helped his dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leaving the money to the dud kid is a gift for the parents to themselves because they don’t think they can make it on their own and don’t want to feel worried. It’s perverse but because your mom can see that you can function she probably doesn’t even think about it.

Don't want to feel GUILTY - for not doing what (the parent/s SHOULD have done!) Fixed that for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a great way to ensure these siblings will never have a relationship

+1. Absent a SN diagnosis or crazy addiction issues, I can’t understand why a parent would not split their estate equally. I’ve seen inequitable treatment in my family and my husband’s family. I am not on good terms with my sibling and my husband is not on good terms with one of his siblings — and the root of this is unequal treatment under the guise of “this person makes less money then you and we need to somehow make things equal.” This thinking perpetuates jealousy and entitlement.

I agree

+3
Once again, due to poor choices or just plain laziness does not entitle the bum to bigger share.

I would never do this to my kids. They know if one chooses to do the work and become a doctor versus a yoga instructor - they get equal share. We don't punish the more successful, hardworking child - reeks of difunctionally and contradictory.

+1

Don't punish the other kids for what you, the parent, refused to do. My God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, that sounds like a bad mother. Reward the lazy one.

Anyone read the parable of the prodigal son?

To be fair, I have read it many times, and I always feel a bit bad for the kid who stayed home and helped his dad.

+1000. I have never understood the “lesson” from this parable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your brothers two kids lived with him and your mom since the divorce since they were 9 and 10. So your brother was a stay at home parent? Of course your mom is going to feel closer to them. How often do you visit or help out?

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry. My grandfather did that with his children. He disowned my father. He left $100,000 to two of my aunts, $300,000 to another aunt, and $10 million to his favorite son. My grandfather was an extreme narcissist and my father was the scapegoat and my uncle was the golden chlld (and an awful, awful human being).

It stung. More than the money, just the complete disregard for my father as a person still stings. My grandfather was abusive to my dad my entire life, but the will was the last word on the relationship, and it was painful to know how much my grandfather hated my father. My dad was much like you. He was hard working and successful and had successful children. My uncle is a classic Fail Son.
'
I have no advice. Just empathy.

[Anonymous]

For parents who say they provide to each child what each child needs ... and somehow believe providing unevenly is acceptable, you are wrong. What you have is a quiet child. Just because they aren't speaking-up, demanding more, that doesn't mean they don't deserve to be treated equally.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It’s none of your business how she divides things. You should be grateful and appreciative for whatever you get. [/quote]


Check the research and expert advice on this. It's really, really poor parenting that continues from the grave and leads to life long rifts. Parents can do whatever they want and their adult children are allowed to to be hurt. Your response is rude and shows ignorance to the dynamics. Nobody is owed anything.

This of it this way. You have young siblings playing nicely. They you take out a huge cookie and you give one most of the cookie and the other a small piece. Sure it's nice to get any cookie, but you have taken harmony and created extreme dysfunction.[/quote]

This. Parents who do this will create rifts that never go away. It's such a bad idea. My spouse and I had to think hard about this as we have a kid with disabilities. We allocated a little more for a few specifics but for the most part, the money is split evenly.[/quote]

Honestly it’s kind of cute that you think that your non disabled kids will be ok with the money being split “for the most part…evenly”. It’s nice to think but it’s not reality. They will be bitter and resentful that more of your time and attention and funds went to their disabled sibling. [/quote]

Wow, PP, just wow. I am from a family of five kids and one of our older siblings had a developmental disability and remained at home for nearly her entire life. None of us were bitter or resentful about the situation. They were generous with the limited resources they had available and raised us to be community-minded and grateful.

Your comment is sad. I hope your worldview is not permanently skewed that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry. My grandfather did that with his children. He disowned my father. He left $100,000 to two of my aunts, $300,000 to another aunt, and $10 million to his favorite son. My grandfather was an extreme narcissist and my father was the scapegoat and my uncle was the golden chlld (and an awful, awful human being).

It stung. More than the money, just the complete disregard for my father as a person still stings. My grandfather was abusive to my dad my entire life, but the will was the last word on the relationship, and it was painful to know how much my grandfather hated my father. My dad was much like you. He was hard working and successful and had successful children. My uncle is a classic Fail Son.
'
I have no advice. Just empathy.

What a horrible man. Why did he behave that way? Why didn't the uncle divvy up some of his largesse? He had to realize how egregious it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 75. My brother divorced at 38 and moved back in with her. She is widowed. My brother quit his job at 40 with plans to get another job someday. It's been 10 years and mom has been supporting him. He has an excellent degree and would easily have been employable. He just says he hates work and work is stressful. His kids who are now 19 and 20 also lived with my mom since the divorce.

My mom is worth a few million around 3-4. She previously told me the will is 50/50. She has been doing questionable things recently. So, I asked her about the will and she said " I need to protect people in the will. You have had much more success than your brother. He has not been successful and will need more money". We will meet to discuss this further. After many instances of being treated unfairly, I am done. I am punished for working hard throughout my life. If it is not equal, then I don't want any money.

OK, sounds good.

You're confusing what is fair and what is equal. They are not the same thing.

I do think you have found the right decision though -- don't expect or accept any of the money. Now you have one less thing to stress about.

+1000