MIL mad that we changed the door code without telling her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

Name one reason why she couldn’t have asked permission before doing this. Name one.

Name one reason why if she did this she could not have told them about it after the fact. Name one.

One reason why she should not ask for permission? Because she is family and is only using the powder room, sitting down for a moment, getting a drink of water, keeping her parcels in your house, putting some perishables in the fridge while she runs some more errands...in short, because she is the member of your family and can use your house for simple convenience.

One reason why she did not inform the OP after the fact of popping in her house for a bit? Because it is inconsequential and because she is family. This kind of formality is expected from friends. Not parents, siblings, kids or grandkids (blood relatives)...or their spouses.

You’re impressively, verbosely wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s crazy and a huge violation of normal boundaries. Get video doorbells on all doors ASAP. We have a Ring and we get text alerts when people stop by - and it recognizes people and tells you by name.

If my MIL or mother mentioned they would be out all day and would like to stop by and rest before a longg drive, we’d of course say it’s ok. It’s the sneaking and lying that crosses the line.

Exactly. Nutter MIL doesn’t get a code.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you are overreacting. I wouldn't have any issues having inlaws pop in to rest when we aren't there.

Because as much as ILs insist they’re so careful with not leaving the door open (we have cats), they leave the door open. If you want to stop by, fine - but yes you absolutely need to give me a heads up so I can shut the cats in downstairs.

[Anonymous]

To the troll repeatedly posting:

Please get help. You're using DCUM as an unhealthy coping mechanism, which may feel gratifying to you at the moment but it isn't helping you solve your problems or result in long-term changes in your self-image so that you feel better about yourself.

If you're in therapy, then tell your therapist what your doing here on DCUM so your therapist can help you set up a better plan to help you cope with your issues and/or change your meds. If you're not already in therapy, then get into is stat.

From your writing style, it seems like you're young, perhaps in your teens. You should talk to your parents. Hopefully they will want to help you. If they aren't interested, then please reach out to a teacher or your school counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a horrible daughter in law

I’ve seen a few threads on here from adult children who have discovered that their aging mothers have taken up trolling as a hobby. Here’s an example of one. Hey grandma, do yourself a favor and get off the computer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

Name one reason why she couldn’t have asked permission before doing this. Name one.

Name one reason why if she did this she could not have told them about it after the fact. Name one.

One reason why she should not ask for permission? Because she is family and is only using the powder room, sitting down for a moment, getting a drink of water, keeping her parcels in your house, putting some perishables in the fridge while she runs some more errands...in short, because she is the member of your family and can use your house for simple convenience.

One reason why she did not inform the OP after the fact of popping in her house for a bit? Because it is inconsequential and because she is family. This kind of formality is expected from friends. Not parents, siblings, kids or grandkids (blood relatives)...or their spouses.

This presumptive MIL is most certainly doing a bunch of snooping when she lets herself in. I guarantee she looks through OP’s mail, office drawers for financial information, in closets, in drawers, medicine cabinets. She probably checks out what youve watched on TV. There’s no way she’s just going to the bathroom. This sneaky behavior is par for the course for nosey, scheming MILs.

[Anonymous]

I am on Team OP! I would be furious and never give her code again. Trader Joe’s has a restroom; she can get a water an nap in her car in the parking lot . If she cannot do that, she should shop closer to her own home. I love PP idea of tracking who uses your code on Apple Watch. To those PP who say this is ok, do not put your MIL relationship on same level as this one. You do not know her!

[Anonymous]

Team OP. I don’t understand why MIL is coming over. Stores have restrooms. Does she have IBS? Does she literally drive for hours and your home is a midway point? It makes no practical sense, which leads me to believe she’s just snooping. Or does OP have an amazing, resort-like house that MIL can’t resist? I’ve just never heard of this. It’s so odd. Or maybe she brags to friends about how she can always take a break at her son’s
home. So puzzling.

[Anonymous]

She's not close family, period. Close family is parents and kids. They are the only ones with access to the house. Grandparents are extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. I don’t understand why MIL is coming over. Stores have restrooms. Does she have IBS? Does she literally drive for hours and your home is a midway point? It makes no practical sense, which leads me to believe she’s just snooping. Or does OP have an amazing, resort-like house that MIL can’t resist? I’ve just never heard of this. It’s so odd. Or maybe she brags to friends about how she can always take a break at her son’s
home. So puzzling.

And the irony is she could have always taken a break at her son’s home if she had simply:
A) Asked if she may do so
B) Told them about it after the fact, and be open to any discussion
C) Instead of calling to complain that the code was changed, call and say hey I’ve been doing this and may I get the code to do so in the future, and be open to their thoughts and feelings on the matter

But nope, MIL kept it a secret and then had the audacity to complain that they changed the code—as she had an entitled right to it—and didn’t apologize or promise to adapt her behavior in the future once they talked to her about it.

Oh well, MIL!

[Anonymous]

That’s crazy, OP. I would be super annoyed. My parents and my in-laws have a key to our house. We have keys to theirs. None of us would ever enter a hone without permission unless it was a true emergency. Example - my father-in-law has Parkinson’s and I couldn’t get him to answer his phone or the door a few weeks ago. I used my key to go in and check on him. He was fine. Just asleep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP. Here’s a thought - drive to MIL’s house when you know she’s out, key in, and hang out for a few hours. Let her know you did that a few days later.

I am willing to bet just about anything she will not be thrilled.

Lol. Spot on.

And make sure to say you just used the fridge, toilet and rested in the couch. Of course!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He won’t let his mom use the bathroom??

+1 this family is doomed

Just stop. OP and her husband have no problem with mother stopping by. They simply asked that she let them know she’s coming over. But MIL is pouting and mad that she has to do that and is refusing. So I guess she really doesn’t need to use the bathroom that badly.

Exactly. She’s either hiding something or stubbornly fixated. Maybe she’s been belligerent about other things too?

[Anonymous]

She could go to the bathroom at the library, or in the Supermarket or CVS. Plenty of bathrooms are open to the public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. I don’t understand why MIL is coming over. Stores have restrooms. Does she have IBS? Does she literally drive for hours and your home is a midway point? It makes no practical sense, which leads me to believe she’s just snooping. Or does OP have an amazing, resort-like house that MIL can’t resist? I’ve just never heard of this. It’s so odd. Or maybe she brags to friends about how she can always take a break at her son’s
home. So puzzling.

And the irony is she could have always taken a break at her son’s home if she had simply:
A) Asked if she may do so
B) Told them about it after the fact, and be open to any discussion
C) Instead of calling to complain that the code was changed, call and say hey I’ve been doing this and may I get the code to do so in the future, and be open to their thoughts and feelings on the matter

But nope, MIL kept it a secret and then had the audacity to complain that they changed the code—as she had an entitled right to it—and didn’t apologize or promise to adapt her behavior in the future once they talked to her about it.

Oh well, MIL!

+1

No code, OP. Done and done.