MIL mad that we changed the door code without telling her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be annoyed by the boundary violation but I don’t think the answer is to punish her by not giving her the new code. Tell her just give you a heads up if she needs to use the restroom, etc, and get a camera doorbell so you’ll know when she does.

There are public bathrooms in every fast food place and at Trader Joe’s. She doesn’t “need” to use OP’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He won’t let his mom use the bathroom??

+1 this family is doomed

Just stop. OP and her husband have no problem with mother stopping by. They simply asked that she let them know she’s coming over. But MIL is pouting and mad that she has to do that and is refusing. So I guess she really doesn’t need to use the bathroom that badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re overreacting 100% Don’t make this an issue you will regret it and it will effect your relationship.

Affect, and no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be mad at you too.

Well, then you’re just as ridiculous as the MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

Name one reason why she couldn’t have asked permission before doing this. Name one.

Name one reason why if she did this she could not have told them about it after the fact. Name one.

One reason why she should not ask for permission? Because she is family and is only using the powder room, sitting down for a moment, getting a drink of water, keeping her parcels in your house, putting some perishables in the fridge while she runs some more errands...in short, because she is the member of your family and can use your house for simple convenience.

One reason why she did not inform the OP after the fact of popping in her house for a bit? Because it is inconsequential and because she is family. This kind of formality is expected from friends. Not parents, siblings, kids or grandkids (blood relatives)...or their spouses.

What emeshed world are you from?
Have some respect for your adult children’s home and own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. DH and I have no problem with her resting, using the restroom, or getting food and drink while we are out. What we do have a problem with is that she didn’t ask us, or at least inform us after the fact. I can totally see a time when our place was where she needed to go in case of (let’s delicately say) “tummy troubles” and wanted to go somewhere private. But there is no reason she couldn’t tell us about that after the fact, at the very least.

Thank you to all the posters who get that this was a violation of our privacy and our trust. I appreciate the support and cannot believe she wouldn’t at the very least tell us after the fact, “Just so you know, I stopped by and used your restroom and had a ginger ale to settle my stomach after a shopping trip today.” I would have had no issue with that, at all.

LOL. In other words, thank you for validating my opinion and nuts to everyone (the majority) who posted to indicate that they think I am overreacting.

You’re not the majority, Brenda. Plenty of us agree with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He won’t let his mom use the bathroom??

She can use the bathroom all she wants. But she has to let the home owners know first. Because it’s not her house.

Apparently that’s asking too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, some more: notice that not one person can answer either of these questions:

NAME ONE REASON why she couldn’t have called first.

NAME ONE REASON why she couldn’t have informed them after the fact.

Name.
One.
Reason.

Nobody’s answering you because it’s a stupid question. She shouldn’t have to ask, it’s common courtesy to allow your parents to come take a nap when they’re tired and that courtesy shouldn’t be dependent on anything including calling first.

No, it’s not. It’s common courtesy not to enter a married couple’s home without an express, specific invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12 Signs Of A Toxic Daughter-In-Law

1. She is controlling
2. She is selfish
3. She is unpredictable
4. She is spiteful
5. She is dominating
6. She brings her husband into trivial matters
7. She blames you for everything
8. She plays games
9. She disrespects you
10. She talks behind you
11. She is aggressive
12. She doesn’t let you talk to her children

https://www.momjunction.com/articles/toxic-daughter-in-law-signs-how-to-deal_00812138/

Ah, yes, such a scholarly, totally unbiased source: “Momjunction.” ROFL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12 Signs Of A Toxic Daughter-In-Law

1. She is controlling
2. She is selfish
3. She is unpredictable
4. She is spiteful
5. She is dominating
6. She brings her husband into trivial matters
7. She blames you for everything
8. She plays games
9. She disrespects you
10. She talks behind you
11. She is aggressive
12. She doesn’t let you talk to her children

https://www.momjunction.com/articles/toxic-daughter-in-law-signs-how-to-deal_00812138/

I give her 10 out of 12. Definitely toxic

You’re insane. Pathetic, and insane.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP. Here’s a thought - drive to MIL’s house when you know she’s out, key in, and hang out for a few hours. Let her know you did that a few days later.

I am willing to bet just about anything she will not be thrilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

NP. It’s not that, I think? It’s the boundary violation of doing this without asking or at least telling the OP and her husband. There was no understanding among them that this was okay.

If there was no understanding then they just had different expectations about what was deemed appropriate use of the code. If I were OP I would just talk to her and give her another code. Tell her to check in when she comes. People make mistakes and miscommunications happen but for OP just to shut her out seems unnecessary and fruitless. She could be handling this situation in a much gentler and more effective way.

OP here. That’s…literally what we did. We tried to talk to her and get on the same page. She would have none of that and instead stayed max. She refused to agree to call or text first or even to notify us when she is in the house, so no more code for her. It was my husband’s final decision.

All these posters saying you’re overreacting and rude need to read this and apologize.

OP still #$&* now we know her husband is too

HAHAHAHA. You’re a fool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12 Signs Of A Toxic Daughter-In-Law

1. She is controlling
2. She is selfish
3. She is unpredictable
4. She is spiteful
5. She is dominating
6. She brings her husband into trivial matters
7. She blames you for everything
8. She plays games
9. She disrespects you
10. She talks behind you
11. She is aggressive
12. She doesn’t let you talk to her children

https://www.momjunction.com/articles/toxic-daughter-in-law-signs-how-to-deal_00812138/

Ah, yes, such a scholarly, totally unbiased source: “Momjunction.” ROFL.

Even if OP is toxic and controlling etc… MIL’s son has sided with his wife. The end. Nothing more for MIL to do but be in her feelings. Aw, shucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He won’t let his mom use the bathroom??

Trader Joe’s has a bathroom.